Sunday, January 17, 2010

Two steps forward, one step back

Some days, I am riding so high on my weight loss horse. "I've got this!" and "Man, 2010 is so my year" repeat through my head. And, most importantly, I actually believe it. I think I can do it. And I am doing it.

Some days, however, the old stuff comes back -- the negative self talk, the wanting to give into bad habits and, at worst, actually doing the stuff that I know is counterproductive to my goal to live a consistently healthy lifestyle. Yesterday was one of those days.

On Saturday, I was going through some of my DVR-ed shows. I have been slammed like a mo fo at work, and so I had very little time to do more than the minimum (eat, sleep, workout, and WORK) this week. Ellie Krieger's Healthy Appetite on the Food Network is one of the shows I like to record. She had a delicious recipe for mixed berry cobbler that looked so good, and actually pretty healthy. If you calculate it out, there are only 4 points per serving -- NOT BAD! I had all of the things the recipe called for so I decided to make it. I enjoyed one serving and man was it great. I did want more (and in the past probably would have finished the whole thing), but I also wanted to be able to enjoy it several more times so I decided to do the wise thing and stick with my one serving.

I woke up the next morning and had a serving for breakfast. I used to do this all the time -- leftover cake? Breakfast food. Leftover pie? Cobbler? Cookies? Pizza? Whatever... if it was really good and somehow there managed to be leftovers (which was admittedly rare), I would not be shy about eating said treat for breakfast.

I'm not sure I'll be able to do that again. After I ate the serving, I wanted another. I usually try to ride cravings out and am often successful at doing so. This craving was somehow different. I felt like I absolutely had to have this cobbler. And, sure enough, I ate the whole damned thing. Ugh. I fell into fatalistic thinking -- "I've ruined the day -- I could not possibly track all it's a food free for all!". For lunch I had two big ham sandwiches and went to the gas station and bought some Diet Coke and a 2 7/8 oz bag of Doritos. The good news is that I got rid of two buns from the freezer that are high point values and now I don't have to feel guilty about throwing them away. I guess you could also consider it progress that I bought 20 oz Diet Cokes and a little bag of Doritos when at the gas station. But, for real, was that really necessary? Um no. And even if I decided it was necessary (or at least worth it), I should have tracked it.

In the afternoon, I went to a Zumba class and a Body Sculpt class. Those are two of my favorites and will really tear through the calories. If I had to bet I probably came out even or with a slight calorie deficit for the day because my binge wasn't that huge...but still, the behavior I exhibit on days like yesterday is in no way rational, necessary or most importantly healthy.

When I do stuff like that I realize that I have a problem -- a real, emotional, visceral connection to food that can control me if I am not careful. I am glad binges like that are no longer as frequent or destructive as they used to be, and that I am starting to analyze these situations to see what causes them. However, I wish I didn't have them at all. I can't wait for the day when food, truly, does not define me or drive my behavior. Food should not inhibit me from living my best life. It is fuel for my body. That's really it. I have elevated it to give it power it should not have and does not deserve. Power that I need to -- and am starting to -- take back.

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