I'm Back

So when people disappear from healthy living blogs, it's generally not because they're out there just living on the healthy straight and narrow.  This is true of me too.

Since I last blogged, I've gained a significant amount of weight and am now north of 250 again.  It is frustrating.  It is a result of my actions, obviously, but it is frustrating.

Since I last blogged so much has happened.  Most notably, I suffered from very severe hip injury where many times I was unable even to walk.  This meant exercise was out of the question, and I fell back on an old friend who has brought me significant comfort in hard times: food.  A fickle friend, food is.

The story is long and involved, but suffice it to say that through my hip pain and inability to walk I met God in the most real, tangible way I ever have and He changed my life.  Ultimately He healed me for which I am supremely grateful.  My life is a testament to His goodness, even when I do not understand what the hell is going on.

So, last week I knew it was time.  Time to exercise again.  Time to get going on living a healthy life.  At 252 I joined Weight Watchers.  It wasn't without its bumps, but things were working and I even took a walk one day and swam another.  Yay activity!

Then Friday afternoon, I got a text from my mom.

her - "How old was Titus?" (my cousin)
me - "I have no idea.  Maybe two years older than me?"
her - "He died of a heart attack."

It's hit me like a ton of bricks.  I am heartbroken for his family.  It's not because we were close.  Not at all, in fact.  It's mostly fear co-mingled with a helping of "Wow your family sucks."  The fear is because of the heart disease that runs rampant on both sides of my family.  Titus wasn't even obese as far as I know, but he died at age 35ish of a heart attack.  That is simultaneously crazy and terrifying.  The family sucking thing?  It's just true.  I'll keep the details off the blog but it is true.

I have been surprised how deeply this has affected me, but it is hard not to revert to stuffing my face instead of feeling the emotion.  Saturday was not good in this regard.  Sunday was better but also not great.

So that's where I am.  I am 252 right now.  Very few of my clothes fit.  I am sad.  I haven't been taking care of my body.  But I am a fighter and I know I will not give up.  Please pray for me, though, because this is hard.

It's been a month

SO. Yeah. It's been a month.

Things here have been a lot of hard going. Not really sure why, but what's a blog good for if not a little introspection and conjecture?

The long and the short of it is that I'm up about 10 lbs. It feels like so much more.

So....yeah.

In early November, I was traveling for about 2 weeks. Living out of a suitcase and eating from restaurants everyday used to hold some appeal to me when I was in college and I wanted to be a consultant, but I can now say there is no bed like my own and no food like the kind I can make. That's not to say I don't love travel and adventure and restaurants -- I do -- but there's just something to be said for being able to make and eat your own food. Doing without all of that and having less control than I'd like over what I ate was not that great.

Also, I'm not going to lie, I was pretty lazy when traveling. The good news is that staying on college campuses and in cities several blocks from where my conference was being held led me to do a lot of walking. But as to a formal workout? Yeah, that didn't happen. Not even once in two weeks.

Another critical factor is the emotional battle that is a professional conference. I used to REALLY look forward to these conferences, as they were one of a handful of social outlets that I had when I did not yet have friends in Arkansas. Now that I have friends here? The stress of feeling judged all the time and regretting my early years with little productivity outweigh the nice-ness of seeing my friends at these conferences. That's not to say I don't love to see my friends; I do -- but I find the pre-tenure constant judgement pretty grating. And I'm not pleased to admit that I drowned my sorrows in food a few times. Yep, compulsive eating still leaves you feeling belittled and like a failure and gross. Don't do it.

So when I got back to Arkansas, it was SO hard to get back in a routine! After I got back from traveling, it was Thanksgiving. I did not really hold anything back for that. And I cannot even tell you the last time I went to the gym more than once during a week. Sigh.

So, here I am, 10 lbs heavier, and I feel squishier than I have in a long time (muscle loss from not working out??). It's pretty gross. I am not eating enough fruits and veggies, nor am I drinking enough water.

I want to turn this ship around. Today, I packed my lunch. I said no to leftovers from a work party that would have been delicious but pretty unhealthy in favor of what I'd brought. My goal was to drink 96 oz of water today; so far I've had about 70 oz. Tonight, I am meeting a friend at the gym for an hour long (!!) spin class. And I am going public in saying that I will go to the gym tomorrow too.

So? I feel so grateful that I know that I've been here before, having undone progress but then re-doing it and ending up pushing forward. I feel glad that I am changing my all or nothing thinking. (e.g., I'm not giving up completely after this and saying, "Well I guess I'll always be fat"). That's not to say that my feelings about my current weight loss situation isn't mixed with a fair amount of regret or just feeling gross, but I am glad that I see past this and won't quit.

Hoarders and the QuickFix

Last night my roommate and I got Netflix. I feel like I am the last person in the world to have Netflix, but since we are not getting cable, we decided to get Netflix. I love it so far.

I have talked about how I moved recently. I don't think I talked about it here, but I'd estimate that I got rid of about 60% of my stuff during the move. During the first three years I was in Arkansas, I got extremely depressed as long-time blog readers know. I dealt with the stress in two ways. The first is discussed here -- eating. The second was by spending money and buying stuff. I accumulated a lot of things, and material objects are no better at curing loneliness and depression than food is. There are other layers to why I accumulated stuff, but I won't discuss them here. Over the course of the move, I got rid of stuff and casually said I was a hoarder.

Now, this is a little true, but I guess it's like the people who need to lose 5-10 lbs. talking about how fat they are. I mean, could they tone up a little? Sure -- but overall, I think that many of us who are or have been morbidly obese tend to discount their stories and say that they're not really fat and that they don't understand, etc. I think that my saying I was a hoarder would make a real hoarder roll their eyes and/or piss them off like very marginally overweight do to me. I see that now after watching an episode of hoarders.

What struck me about this show is how many parallels there are between hoarding and compulsive overeating. Both are unhealthy, compulsive behaviors. Both are not problems that develop overnight: you can't fill your house with garbage in a single day, nor can you gain 50+ lbs. in a single day. Both are exacerbated by painful emotions -- compulsive overeaters often binge to stave off sadness or pain, and hoarders' behavior often intensifies after the loss of a loved one. Both cause you a definite sense of shame and a sharp decrease in the quality of life. Neither are well understood by the world at large.

Bottom line: I could see a lot of myself in the hoarders, even though I now realize I'm not a compulsive hoarder. It was hard to watch, honestly.

Most of all, I felt that the show Hoarders was doing them a huge disservice. For those who have not seen the show, they send in a crew to remove trash (obvious product placement for 1-800-GOT-JUNK), a psychologist, and a professional organizer. I have no idea how long the process takes, but definitely on the order of days, not weeks or months. They show before and after pictures and then the show ends. The stories and lives of two hoarders are showcased in 44 minutes in a nice package with a bow.

As someone who identified very strongly with many aspects of these hoarders lives, I was so appalled! To me, cleaning the hoarders' homes and leaving them is like giving someone who is morbidly obese liposuction and skin removal surgery, showing pictures, and then saying "The end". Will that really work in the long term?! How many of us would not regain the weight?

I guess I can only speak for myself, but I thought before I ever had lost a single pound of weight that if I could snap my fingers and lose the weight that my life would be magical. I don't think that anymore. I am so grateful for the year I spent not losing weight, but stalled out. It forced me to wrestle with some very real emotions and to make some not easy choices. I am grateful for the journey of fitness I've taken. I wish I didn't have back problems, but in the end I'm even grateful for the lessons of learned as a result of having them. To me the process of losing this weight and figuring out what causes me to eat in the first place is as valuable and maybe even more valuable than losing the weight itself. Had I had a quick fix, I would not have reaped the benefits that have resulted from fixing my super-dysfunctional relationship with food and finding other ways to deal with difficult emotions. I also would have given myself only a 5% chance to actually keep the weight off, since I had not learned the skills and behaviors that would help me to maintain my weight.

Not only that, but I think I would have damaged my self worth even more than it already was if I had lost weight via a quick fix and then failed to keep it off. I think that A&E is doing the hoarders a disservice by offering them a quick fix and limited aftercare. And I refuse to feed into it by watching that show ever again. It makes me sad for the hoarders, because I see so much of myself in them -- and even though I am by no means perfect at this healthy living thing and do not always feel this way as it is happening, I am grateful for every single setback on this journey because they have all caused me to learn a whole lot about myself and to improve myself in so many ways beyond just losing the weight.

Pareto Principle

Do you know what the Pareto Principle is? This is something very fundamental that we teach students in my field. Basically, it says that 80% of your problems are caused by 20% of your situations (or more generally, k% of your problems are caused by 100-k% of your situations). I am finding that this is so true on the WL/life change front.

This week we had a very not great weather week. School was cancelled 3 of the 5 days, and the roads were impassable. Friday I decided to work from home as the roads were still not good and nothing I needed to do required me to be at the office. Hence, I was stuck in the house almost all week.

During this time, I gained 8 lbs. EIGHT FREAKING POUNDS!!

It is funny. Sometimes I really think I've got the whole healthy living thing down. It feels easy and natural. I can go to a party, have lots of unhealthy choices, and have thought about how I am going to handle it, and make the choices I am comfortable with -- either a calculated splurge, or making the best choices available to me. I feel like a rock star.

Other times, such as this snowstorm and Christmas break, not so much. These uncommon (and/or unplanned) situations fall into the 20%(or less) of situations which cause me 80% of the damage on my WL/healthiness journey. I wonder "Why?"

Well, four days of not leaving the house will leave a girl with plenty of time to ponder such questions. Here are the things I can think of.

1. Feeling trapped and cold makes me crave comfort food. I tell you, I really don't even keep anything unhealthy or trigger-food-ish in my house. However, during the break I found a way to eat unhealthy stuff. I made pecan sandies and pumpkin cookies with cream cheese frosting. Sure enough, I ate the whole freaking batch each time I made something. This was no small task, actually. Finding stuff to make required me to spend a significant amount of time browsing allrecipes for something that was simultaneously delicious (and unhealthy) sounding, and that I had all of the ingredients for which was quite tough given my very limited supply of unhealthy stuff (I think sugar and butter are probably the "worst" thing around). Sigh. I guess we can call that a "premeditated binge" and a case of "old habits die so hard".
2. The idle mind is the devil's playground. Without the usual routine and distractions, it left me plenty of time to do what I wanted -- and to think about what I wanted. More often than not, that was food. Sigh.
3. Willpower can only carry you so far. I find that when I talk myself up for something, I can usually last 24-48 hours. I was good on tracking and drinking water for the first day of the snowstorm. After that, it was significantly downhill. I find the same thing on vacation. After the expiration of the 24 hour willpower window, I basically do what I want. Sometimes that is the "right" thing. Sometimes, it's not (see bullet one).

Yes, the Pareto principle. While I am so proud of myself and convinced to maintain the changes and healthy decisions I typically make in day to day life, I find that I want to continue to change my life and move to the 90-10% or 95-5% rule. I am glad that many of my routines involve making the right choices, but if I want to truly be tranformed I need to find a better way to manage the atypical situations and circumstances that are still tough for me.

It is great that, per the title of my blog, I'm realizing that food doesn't define me about 80% of the time. The truth is, though, that I don't want food to define me, ever. I want to define me and not be captive to food. I'm not there yet.

Disappointing Weigh In

This was the first week I can remember thinking "Man, this weigh in is crap!" about a weigh in in light of my performance. There have been plenty of weeks where I haven't lost or have gained, but I usually think they're justified in light of what I've eaten or how much I have exercised. This week, I don't feel like that. I tracked everything. I exercised 4 times this week (fewer than usual, but still not bad). And, I gained 1.8 lbs this week.

Although I am miffed (and confused), I press on. Not sure what is going on with my body, but this is exactly why I don't do time-based weight goals. I can only control my behavior, not the scale so I will continue to focus on what's in my control and hope that my body follows.

Perhaps this is related to the "free" fruit, which I eat liberally. Anyone know whether there are really functional limits to how many of those one should eat?

Binge

Last night I had one of the first binges I've had in probably 2 or 3 months. It was not good. I told some friends about some interesting/surprising/crappy stuff going on in my personal life and it was harder than I expected. While I am glad that I shared with them, it was surprisingly difficult to let them in on some of the stuff I consider embarrassing, shameful and central to my life.

I first of all want to apologize for being intentionally ambiguous, but I know that a couple my students read this and I don't want to really go there so publicly. Anyway, I told my friends about this situation that I deal with (and have been for about 10+ years now) and it is never fun to talk about or deal with. I told them that it was like a scab had formed over the wound, however, and now the recent developments - while potentially positive - were just ripping the scab right off and exposing some very real hurts underneath. This might be necessary for healing, but I can tell you it still sucks.

I am glad my friends now know and can help support me through this unpleasant situation. However, I was surprised at how unsettled the whole thing left me. I went home by way of Walmart and picked up a bunch of food -- cheese, salami, pretzels, and green onion dip. The funny thing is I thought to myself "You KNOW this will not make you feel better. STOP IT!!!" Like a defiant child, however, I soldiered out of that Walmart with crappy food in hand and ate it. I threw a lot of it away, but still, I ate a lot of it. Yuck. Not one of my finer moments.

The thing is, the situation I'm referring to is crappy. However, there is little or nothing I can do about it. This situation has already caused me (and all of our family) anguish and heartache, so why would I let it bother me more and impede my progress to live a healthy life? The reality is, removing myself from the situation is what I believe to be best for my mental health. That is not always possible, but a large part of the time it is. Engaging in the situation just makes me want to eat and feel sorry for myself, and last night I went there. It was not a proud moment. However, it is a moment I can learn from so that is what I need to do. Learn from it and move on. Maybe in time I can even face this and overcome my instinctual reactions to this situation, but one of the hardest parts is knowing that I cannot change it. There is nothing you can do to make someone else want to change. And knowing that sucks, but is not worth overeating about.

I want a do over

Do you ever do something that you think will be amazing and/or that you build up really high expectations for only to be completely....underwhelmed? It's not a great feeling.

That would describe my eating this week. The week got off to a rough start with the holiday weekend. We had a welcome back to school picnic on Sunday, and those are always rough. I have to say everyone really rose to the occasion on this potluck bringing delicious (but not always healthy) treats instead of lame-o bags of chips. I definitely indulged. I didn't feel like it rose to the level of an out and out binge, but it was indulgent. I also took home some potato salad (probably three servings worth) and I ate it all that evening. It reminded me of the days of bingeing in secret and I do not like that feeling. It was bad.

I thought I would get back to tracking everything on Monday. I forget exactly what happened, but I ended up just not feeling like it. I also didn't feel like it Tuesday. Then I figured "Why bother this week?" AKA, the downward spiral. The worst part is that in retrospect it really wasn't even worth it. There was nothing that I had that I was like "You know, it was totally worth the ____ calories to have this _____." I had a lot of good stuff but nothing that was absolutely amazing or noteworthy or worth losing a week over.

Wednesday I had the closest thing I have had to a binge in awhile. It is probably the weirdest one I have ever had, or at least the weirdest one I can remember. Usually when I binge, I know why. I am sad or tired or feeling deprived. I feel like I am giving in but then it's like I lose control, or more accurately I feel like I surrender to food. I take a back seat and some weird primal desire to eat takes over. Wednesday I ate a ton -- I ate an entire calzone. I made red velvet cookies and some cream cheese frosting, and I ate half the cookies and made a serious dent in the frosting. The food was very much like a binge. However, my head was totally in control. It was like I was deciding to eat the food -- it was a willful (albeit poor) choice. I don't know how to describe it but to say that I was feeling some sense of agency over the food situation instead of being a hostage to food like I typically feel during a binge. In a weird dysfunctional way it was a nice feeling to feel like I had some control over the food, although I still do wonder why I did make such poor food choices.

The next morning I was up 4 lbs. It was not "real" weight, but I was like "OK, this has to stop." I threw away the rest of the cookies I made, and washed the frosting down the drain and threw away the sugar I bought to make it. I don't feel good about wasting food, but I feel less stable having it around the house and was not even confident I could take the food to school to share without breaking into it on the way to school...so I tossed it.

Over the rest of the week, I made more poor decisions but basically the weight is all gone and I expect to be even for the week -- nothing lost or gained. We will see for sure tomorrow.

I am trying to process through why this all happens, and what to do about it so that I reach a happy medium on how I can handle this from here on out.

• I think I need to have a realistic plan on how to deal with holidays and/or high stakes food challenges like potlucks. I need to find a way to allow myself treats there and to not feel deprived, but not something that is so lackadaisical that it will spiral into wasting a whole week not eating healthily. I think this is likely to be something beyond just the extra 35 points I am allowed for WW.
• I need to figure out something that won't have me baking very often. Making an entire batch of cookies is a bad idea unless there is a very specific plan on what they are for -- a plan that isn't "eat them all until you are disgusted with yourself".
• Daily weighing for me is really helpful. With my industrial engineering training, I am familiar with the concept of variance and how daily fluctuations happen as a result of hormones, salt intake, hydration levels, and other stuff -- that doesn't bother me. However, seeing the +4 lbs overnight is something that scared me straight. Had I not seen that the morning following my faux-binge, I am virtually certain I would have finished the cookies I made and made a further dent in the frosting.
• While I love the concept of the weekly "reset" on WW the day of your weigh in, I feel like this week I used that as an excuse to waste time eating crap for an entire week rather than just getting it together and starting over ASAP. I need to figure out why I allowed myself to use this as an excuse.

I feel like lately I am in some really weird place. I feel like I take 10 steps forward and then 9 steps back. While the net result is progress, it has been REALLY slow and there is definitely no one sabotaging me but myself. I am not sure how much credit to give myself for continuing to make progress while working through issues vs. how hard I should be on myself for not battening the hatches and just hunkering down and doing the work (i.e., should I be proud of the net one step forward, or angry at myself for the 9 steps back?).

I would still really love to lose about 10 lbs. before I go to Disney World. This will not happen unless I am more consistent. Here is to a new week - one where I am back in control rather than surrendering my power to the food.

Relapse

This is a hard blog entry to write.

I am a food addict. If you google food addition, I fit most if not all of the signs. Here is one of the lists I found.

• Obsessed with thoughts about food.
• Eats to relieve worry or stress.
• Feels anxious while eating.
• Worries or feels anxious while eating which results in more eating.
• Overeats because the food is there.
• Eats too fast so they can eat more.
• Eats everything on the plate even when they feel full.
• Feels guilty when they overeat.
• Hides food so they can eat in secret away from other people.
• Goes on a food binge after dieting or after trying to cut back.
• Sees food as something to be avoided or as harmful.

Yep, I'm a prototypical food addict.

In the last year I have been in recovery. I have worked to try to find a place of moderation -- the place where I can enjoy food, recognize it as fuel for life, and not give it an undeservedly and unnecessarily elevated place on priority list.

If you read some addiction literature, they state "Relapse is a part of recovery."

Crap. This has been me this week. I have been eating crap that is not good for my body, and too much of it.

I have tried to figure out why this is happening? I still don't really know, but I think a lot of it is busy-ness. I didn't get a chance to go grocery shopping last weekend and I felt the effect of that all week. I had no eggs to eat in the morning. I couldn't pack lunches. I ate crap instead.

At first, it didn't show up on the scale, but it is starting to now. I've gained about 3 lbs. I caught myself almost writing "only" 3 lbs. Isn't it funny how we are quick to dismiss modest losses, and even are sometimes disappointed with them, but here I am about to rationalize gaining "only" 3 lbs? That would be a very very good weight loss week, or more likely two pretty good weeks. I've sabotaged myself here and gained that back in a week, but I am quick to minimize it.

Can I make a confession though? I read a lot. From my reading (and from common sense really) I know my body is supposed to not like this food and not function as well on all the chemicals and sugar and fat. I have to say, though, I feel fine and like those chemicals haven't really affected me at all. I could be living in a state of denial but seriously, I did just as well at the gym this week as I did any other week. Nonetheless I know that donuts and sausage rolls and excessive amounts of pizza and soda are not good for me, or my heart and that I cannot make good friends with them like I used to be. I still believe I can stop by and say hi once in awhile, but we can't be besties like we used to be.

I will not let my hard work go totally to waste. I cannot let this become a gateway to gaining all of this weight back. I need to get back on track, but this is hard.

I remember when I first started this journey, every decision was hard. I had to fight to make most decisions wisely. Eventually, it became easier because the "good" decisions felt natural and the old decisions I used to make all the time felt splurge-y and indulgent. I am getting back to the place where those old decisions are becoming more natural and reflexive. I need to get back to the place where the healthy decisions are the default ones.

Two steps forward, one step back

Some days, I am riding so high on my weight loss horse. "I've got this!" and "Man, 2010 is so my year" repeat through my head. And, most importantly, I actually believe it. I think I can do it. And I am doing it.

Some days, however, the old stuff comes back -- the negative self talk, the wanting to give into bad habits and, at worst, actually doing the stuff that I know is counterproductive to my goal to live a consistently healthy lifestyle. Yesterday was one of those days.

On Saturday, I was going through some of my DVR-ed shows. I have been slammed like a mo fo at work, and so I had very little time to do more than the minimum (eat, sleep, workout, and WORK) this week. Ellie Krieger's Healthy Appetite on the Food Network is one of the shows I like to record. She had a delicious recipe for mixed berry cobbler that looked so good, and actually pretty healthy. If you calculate it out, there are only 4 points per serving -- NOT BAD! I had all of the things the recipe called for so I decided to make it. I enjoyed one serving and man was it great. I did want more (and in the past probably would have finished the whole thing), but I also wanted to be able to enjoy it several more times so I decided to do the wise thing and stick with my one serving.

I woke up the next morning and had a serving for breakfast. I used to do this all the time -- leftover cake? Breakfast food. Leftover pie? Cobbler? Cookies? Pizza? Whatever... if it was really good and somehow there managed to be leftovers (which was admittedly rare), I would not be shy about eating said treat for breakfast.

I'm not sure I'll be able to do that again. After I ate the serving, I wanted another. I usually try to ride cravings out and am often successful at doing so. This craving was somehow different. I felt like I absolutely had to have this cobbler. And, sure enough, I ate the whole damned thing. Ugh. I fell into fatalistic thinking -- "I've ruined the day -- I could not possibly track all this...now it's a food free for all!". For lunch I had two big ham sandwiches and went to the gas station and bought some Diet Coke and a 2 7/8 oz bag of Doritos. The good news is that I got rid of two buns from the freezer that are high point values and now I don't have to feel guilty about throwing them away. I guess you could also consider it progress that I bought 20 oz Diet Cokes and a little bag of Doritos when at the gas station. But, for real, was that really necessary? Um no. And even if I decided it was necessary (or at least worth it), I should have tracked it.

In the afternoon, I went to a Zumba class and a Body Sculpt class. Those are two of my favorites and will really tear through the calories. If I had to bet I probably came out even or with a slight calorie deficit for the day because my binge wasn't that huge...but still, the behavior I exhibit on days like yesterday is in no way rational, necessary or most importantly healthy.

When I do stuff like that I realize that I have a problem -- a real, emotional, visceral connection to food that can control me if I am not careful. I am glad binges like that are no longer as frequent or destructive as they used to be, and that I am starting to analyze these situations to see what causes them. However, I wish I didn't have them at all. I can't wait for the day when food, truly, does not define me or drive my behavior. Food should not inhibit me from living my best life. It is fuel for my body. That's really it. I have elevated it to give it power it should not have and does not deserve. Power that I need to -- and am starting to -- take back.

Mango Allergy Confirmed

I wrote earlier about how I thought I might be allergic to mangos. I wasn't really sure, and most of the stuff I read was about how people have bad reactions to the SKIN of mango and not the meat so I thought I would give it another shot. Astute observers might have noticed those mangos in my groceries.

I had cut up the mangoes on Friday evening and was very careful to wash my hands, not touch my face, etc. Saturday morning I was fine so I thought I had dodged the bullet. Phew, my mango career was not over! That morning I had mangoes, cottage cheese, and kiwi mixed together for breakfast. Quite tasty.

Monday my skin was blotchy and kind of angry at me. I was not sure what was the deal. You can see in this picture from Monday (incidentally on my trail exploration) that my face is fatter and puffier than the day before. I did not notice that until posting all of these pictures and writing all of these blog entries.

Tuesday morning I was feeling kind of terrible, and my face was puffier. It continued to worsen throughout the day. In fact, when I went to bed that evening, I was worried my eyes might swell shut and even found my phone and slept with it right next to me just in case I needed to call 9-1-1 about that very fact.

Wednesday morning I looked like death warmed over. Terrible. I decided I needed to go to the doctor since this clearly was not getting any better and since her office was going to be closed over the Christmas holiday.

She confirmed that it is very likely that I am allergic to mango and said not to eat them again, ever. Um, YEAH NO KIDDING! Fortunately, mango allergies are very unlikely to cause anaphylactic shock (the kind that swells your windpipe shut), so I do not need an epipen or anything like that. However, she did say that the allergy will likely get stronger over time so future exposure to mango is a definite no no.

She gave me a prednisone shot and prednisone to take for the next two weeks. Have you read about the side effects of this drug? They are NASTY! Insomnia is one of the ones that I think, objectively, is the worst. Dizziness is another one.

However, weight gain, increased appetite, water retention, and fat redistribution are side effects. To me, these seem like the worst (even though, as I said, on paper not being able to sleep is the worst). These particular side effects are really hard on me because it was such a goal of mine to keep my eating pretty un-indulgent over break while allowing myself some holiday treats (if that makes sense). I now can't even really check on this progress because the scale is rising and I'm not sure how much is real weight, how much is water weight, and what in the world is going on with my body. Oh well, I will do what is right and take these drugs. I will get the weight I gain off (if it isn't all water weight). I will be vigilent about portion control and watching what I eat. I will not let this defeat me. I have worked too hard and come too far to let this derail me.

So far I haven't had a major problem sleeping. I did wake up more often than usual and it was harder to fall asleep, but not too bad. The problem is supposed to get worse the longer you take the medicine.

A happy side effect, though, is that this prednisone has virtually eliminated any sciatic nerve pain that I have had since I started taking it. I've gotta look on the bright side of this situation, and be confident in the end that it will all work out. I am glad that I am on the mend, and that my allergy does not constrict my airway. That would be absolutely terrifying to feel like you were choking to death.

Not on track

This morning I weighed in at 259.2. Saturday morning, I was 255.something. There is a very real possibility this is all real weight, not salt or retained water weight. Yuck. I am embarrassed.

My food Saturday was...indulgent. I went to the movies and even ordered popcorn. What a waste. It was good, but not good enough to justify all the calories. On the way home I stopped at a gas station and got two hot dogs (I had driven 2 hrs away so I could see Precious, which is not playing in our market and is unlikely to) in addition to a stick of cheese and Doritos. I forget what all I ate Sunday, but I do know that I made delightful Christmas cookies and ate a lot of them. And I have eaten a lot of them in the days since. They were not good enough for me to take to work (too hard/not soft enough), but of course I had no problem jettisoning them down the hatch. Maybe I should get rid of the rest. I guess it is progress that at least some of them have survived to today? That's a very small consolation prize.

Last night was our department's annual Christmas party. Our boss goes all out and we have dinner at the swankiest of swank restaurants in town each year. This year's was great. There was also some good news here. Because the restaurant was so swanky, they give tiny portions, not the 2-3 realistic meal sized portions you'd get at, say, the Olive Garden. However, I did have all four courses of the meal. It was delcious and there were some indulgent choices, but not an all out bingefest. I would give myself a B-/C+ on that meal. Too bad I had a plate full of cookies when I came home in addition to a normal-ish sized meal.

I am bummed that I cannot counteract any of this with exercise. I may try to go to the gym today anyway; it just depends how I am feeling. I am absolutely slammed at work (that is what happens at the end of the semester), and am not sure if I have time to go and obviously I am not sure if I am physically capable of going.

I have tickets tonight to an event at the Walton Arts Center which is about the Rat Pack and Christmas. I LOVE the Rat Pack, and I am ok with Christmas but this thing looks like it will be a festering turd. I really wish I had traded in the tickets for credit to use to go to something else. I do not really think I have time to go, because I need to pack for a trip (out of town tomorrow through Sunday; serving on an NSF panel). We will see. Somehow I will manage to get this all done, and hopefully I can still get some sleep. We will see. I need to stop writing this post so I can get a jump on my day.

Where I have been...

First of all, I appologize for the lack of posting lately. Things have been busy and, well, I have fallen off the wagon somewhat and that is exactly when I should be posting. I have also been really discouraged.

As to the "Yay I can exercise!" and "Wow, I am so going to own this Thanksgiving!" posts? Yeah, not going so well. I woke up several times through the night on Sunday with excruciating hip pain that has lasted all week. It totally sucks. My eating this week has been good sometimes, but mediocre to poor most of the time.

Things really took a downward turn when I went to Sam's Club Friday night. I happened on an event called "Taste of Sam's" (a complete coincidence) which was a sample day on steroids -- they had SO much good stuff to try! My favorite thing they had was smoked cheddar cheese. Man it was delicious. I made a mistake and I bought some: 1.16 lbs of cheese. I ate it in two days. Man.

The next day was Saturday and, like I posted, I had to work. It was catered with Panera and I did ok, but the food was not healthy and there were no fruits or veggies. Diet for the day: Panera, lots of milk, cheese, crackers, and hummus. Not stellar, and sorely sorely lacking in fruits and veggies.

The next day I finished off the cheese and ate dinner with friends. Great to catch up with them, and we made delicious (and relatively healthy) gyros. Go us. Eating grade for that day was a solid B.

Monday I have no idea what happened but I was so munchy. Perhaps I was genuinely hungry, I don't know. Either way, the bottom line is I ate 4 cookies and 1 brownie over the course of the day (in addition to regular food). By the way, we're not talking about normally-sized cookies either, but rather the "we're catering and giving you a cookie that is the size of 2.5 cookies" variety. Not stellar. Lunch was catered for a faculty meeting, and in the evening I went out to eat and overdid it. A tiny victory there is that I did take about half of the dinner home because it was too big for me to eat at once.

Yesterday I did ok not great on the food horizon.

I have really hit a rough patch with the exercise. My doctor says I can and should exercise, but since the hip issues have resurfaced with a vengeance, I sometimes really cannot exercise. I took Saturday and Sunday off, partially because of laziness, partially because of legitimate busy-ness, and I do honestly think it is ok and that I don't need to exercise 7 days a week. That is a slippery slope to start down, though.

Monday I went to aqua abs and tried to go to a PiYo class (pilates/yoga fusion). The water stuff felt ok to good, especially the stretching parts. I only did half of the PiYo class. I did not do anything with intense twisting or anything that caused me extreme discomfort. I ultimately got frustrated and was hurting too badly so I quit halfway into the class. Yesterday, I did the elliptical machine for about 25 minutes and did about half of a cycling class before I quit. It hurt too bad (even though cycling is supposed to be good for my hips and back) so I left. I then was in bed for the rest of the day, laying down. Crap.

When I went to the doctor last week, she gave me a prescription for 15 mg Meloxicam. This is an anti-inflammatory drug and is supposed to help with the arthritis and back stuff. She suggested I take it on an as needed basis. As I have mentioned, I really despise taking medicine. I would much rather go the all-natural way and/or tough it out when possible. However, that is clearly not working in the case of my hip/back issues and so I have buckled and started taking the Meloxicam once a day for now. The first day it really helped, but yesterday it did not do much (or, if it did, I think I would have passed out without it...)

I am really frustrated with all of this. I think I am going to start physical therapy at the first of the year. I am nowhere near my insurance deductible for the year, and everything is out of pocket up until I meet the deductible -- so waiting it is. I have ordered a yoga video that is to stretch, align, and strengthen the hips. I am hopeful that will help in the meantime. If anyone else has other suggestions, please offer them. I will try most anything at this point.

Challenge update.

Despite not having a stellar food day and not working out yesterday evening (worked out in the morning), I am down this morning to 255.8. This challenge is looking doable. A lot of that weight must have been faux-weight (water weight, etc?). I made a huge fruit salad yesterday which should make eating the right thing easier (it will be a quick, non-processed choice while it lasts). Today I have to eat out twice -- once for a lunch at work they are having catered, and also between water aerobics and going to see the Crucible tonight. Will work to make good choices, but at least for lunch this could present a challenge. We'll see.

Reason I didn't work out last night? My back/hip hurt. Crap.

Getting Old Sucks

I went to the chiropractor yesterday -- my alignment was seriously off. I was noticeably tilted again. He helped me and my pinched nerve feeling stopped -- for 6 hrs. UGH! I woke up this morning in EXCRUCIATING pain in my hip (the pelvis is what keeps getting misaligned apparently) and in my ankle. I don't think I have mentioned it here but the diagnosis is that I have arthritis in my ankle. Usually it doesn't hurt, but sometimes WOW it hurts. Today is one such day. Let's get real folks. Thirty is too young to feel like you're in serious need of a walker!

On a positive (but unrelated) note (I read yesterday that optimists live longer than pessimists which is not really a surprise, but let's try to channel a little of that...): today and tomorrow it's supposed to be around 75. Kind of freakishly warm for November, but that means the chance to do stuff outside, so no complaints from me.

I have a couple post ideas brewing. I hope to get to them this weekend.

OUCH

I went to the gym this morning at 6 as planned. However, I only worked out for 20 minutes. The pain in my back was excruciating. It felt like a huge pinched nerve. Fortunately, I am starting to understand and feel where and how my back is out of alignment after having this happen so much recently. I came up and laid down and twisted the way I thought I needed to go back into alignment. Got a huge crack and a little relief right away. Hoping today is a good day and that this pain is gone for the day!! I have to sit ALL. DAY. LONG. (meetings) so I am hopeful that I can make it. And go for a REAL workout once I get back to Fayetteville!!!

Food victories and setbacks

Like I said, I have been trying to maintain my weight around here at a consistent 255-258. I have been doing fine at this, which is surprising actually because a lot of my eating has been pretty bad. Not clean at all. I know I need to step it up in the fruits and vegetables department. And, I have been overeating a bunch and I have no idea why really. It is shocking to me that I haven't gained weight given that I have not been exercising. Let me come clean with you about a few things I have done. I'm not proud of these.

Sunday was a REALLY bad day food wise. In the morning, I ate a whole cheese ball and a bunch of Melba toast crackers. WHAT?! And for dinner, I made my favorite hashbrown casserole -- yes, I made it with 2% cheese, the healthy cream of mushroom soup vs. the full fat one, and with fat free sour cream. However, I ate like 70% of it for dinner. Yes, that's right, 70% of a 9x13" pan. WHAT?! Who does that? (and, in the spirit of honesty, I ate the rest for breakfast the next day). I also had two plums that day. That was my entire diet for the day -- cheeseball, crackers, hashbrown casserole, plums. Hardly nutritious (though I guess it did have a lot of calcium?).

I don't do stuff like that everyday, but it still bothers me that it happens at all. I have no idea why I do stuff like that. I have been trying to figure this out. I think a lot of it has to do with feeling like I "earn" things. Sunday I went hiking, and so I thought I would burn a lot of calories -- thus "earning" the cheeseball. I'm not sure if that's the reason or not. It's not like I was extra sad on Sunday or anything. I know for sure that food is not the way to deal with emotion and am trying (somewhat successfully) to decouple the two. I have the occasional setback with that, but overall I'm doing a lot better.

Yet I still overeat -- why? I must figure this out if I expect to be successful in the longrun.

These setbacks are not to say I have not been without victories. Two specific things from this weekend come to mind. First of all, I am a member of the local movie theater's reward club. Basically it's like a frequent shopper card where if you go to a certain number of movies, you can earn rewards. I have earned free popcorn before, and I did not use it (have you ever googled the amount of calories in movie theatre popcorn? Even WITHOUT the butter it is absolutely outrageous). This weekend I earned a premium reward. With this, you can either choose a free popcorn and drink or a free movie. I chose the movie without hesitation. Back in the day, I would have picked the popcorn and pop without thinking. Victory!

The second victory was PERILOUSLY close to a defeat. Fatties worldwide love December 26, November 1, February 15, and the day after Easter. Why? HALF PRICE CANDY!!! This girl was no different. November 1, I went to Walmart at 7:00 (thank you time change and thank you hiking for making me not feel obligated to shower that day) and I did troll through the Halloween clearance section. I carefully made my selection (a Reese's multipack with peanut butter cups, Reeses pieces, etc) and placed it into my basket. I felt guilty about it, but made all kinds of excuses to rationalize it to myself. I got up to the checkout lane to pay for this bag o' goodies and decided I just could not do it. Instead of getting a value-sized bag o' candies, I would just get a candy bar or two. I picked out a Mounds and a Reeses PB cup and decided to get those instead. However, I eventually decided that was lame also and just didn't get any candy. I was proud of myself (although, as I mentioned, I did get a cheeseball so it's not like I'm THAT awesome or anything -- but originally the plan was cheeseball + candy so it is an improvement).

Those are some of the things going on around here. I have good food days. I have bad food days. I need to figure out why I eat so much. If I don't, I do not think I can be very successful at winning this battle against living unhealthily. It's really just never a good idea to eat a whole cheeseball at once, even though they are delicious.

Back update...again

Things here? They continue to move on. I have had a pretty frustrating week. I have had a relapse (x2) with my back. The chiropractor thinks I have lumbar subluxation (facets syndrome), and in googling around the diagnosis seems consistent with my symptoms. The bad news is, he wants me to come in 3x/week for 4-8 weeks. (mind you, this is after going to him for almost a month already) That seems crazy to me! However, the problem seems to be getting increasingly worse as time goes by so it seems that sticking to the status quo is not going to work.

I was/am unwilling to commit to a long course of treatment like that without a second opinion. Today I went to another chiropractor/wellness person and I feel like those guys were essentially useless. They asked me about the first chiropractor, I told them who it was and they said "Yep, he's a really great guy. We've got nothing but good things to say about him." Honestly, I had really mixed feelings about that. On the one hand, I was delighted they had good things to say about him. I mean, I want to go to go to a good chiropractor if I have to go to one at all. However, the BAD thing is that they basically told me to listen to what he had to say, follow his treatment protocol, etc. without confirming or denying his diagnosis. THE REASON I WAS THERE WAS TO GET A SECOND OPINION, NOT A ROUSING ENDORSEMENT OF MY CHIROPRACTOR! I felt like these chiropractors are all members of a secret chiropractic good ol' boys network who were there just to endorse each other (though in fairness, the second chiropractor was female...not quite good ol' boys, but same feel). I feel like I'm getting suckered here.

I don't know what to do. I am hesitant to commit to so much treatment. That is a huge (and inconvenient) time sink, and it is a lot of $$$ also. However, I haven't been able to exercise in a week now and so my back problems are most definitely affecting my life (and weight loss/maintenance) plan so the status quo is not going to work out in the long run. I have had three distinct episodes since the beginning of October. Does anyone have any experience with this? I welcome all advice.

Ugh, my back

I have no idea what is going on, but my body is revolting on me again. Tuesday, my hamstrings were really tight. I don't really know what caused this. Monday I did the eliptical for almost an hour and was not so stellar about stretching, but I have done this before without having my hamstrings tense up on me. I doubt if it was the hiking, since Monday I felt fine. I think my body is used to that kind of thing.

Anyway, yesterday (Wednesday) things were worse despite lots of stretching, Icy Hot usage, and taking it relatively easy Tuesday. I started to get back spasms, and finally needed to go home and take the muscle relaxers. Working out was not going to happen. Today things are even worse, but I have been working to lay flat and/or stay upright so that hopefully the muscle spasms don't pull my back out of alignment. So far, so good I think on that front but the muscle relaxers kind of zombie me out and make it hard to do much. I hate that.

I am hoping this stuff gets over soon! I have no idea what is going on with me. I am only 30 and should not be having these kinds of problems. My recent back problems also started in my hamstrings. I wonder what is the deal with that? Does anyone know about this kind of thing?