Raw

This weekend, one of the people at our Thanksgiving was someone that I didn't know too well. She was a part of an arranged marriage with a good friend of mine from graduate school, so it was so nice to get a chance to spend getting to know her.

At some point, the topic of weight came up. I don't even really remember how (although maybe it was due to talking about my mango allergy, which led to my blog?). Anyway, she asked how I got started losing the weight.

As I told her, I cried. I was surprised.

Another friend -- one that I have now known for 9 years (can't believe it's been that long) -- has been friends with me at my fattest and during the first period in my life where I lost weight. He and I were also talking about this journey at one point during my visit.

Once again, I cried.

I have to admit, this kind of surprises me. These guys were not asking anything mean-spirited or judgmental at all. They were both kind and compassionate and genuinely supportive and interested. They were giving out nothing but good vibes.

I've been on this journey for a year and a half now. I have made progress, faced challenges, felt like giving up, pressed on, and have ultimately come out at a much better place. I am feeling like I can do "this" -- this healthy living thing, including but not limited to eating right and exercising often -- forever, and it is shocking to me sometimes the degree to which the choices I'm making feel natural. For example, there was a point last week I was craving lentils, and the thought of Doritos or cake just sounded gross.

So why is this place in my life and my heart -- the one that deals with weight and getting healthy -- still so emotional to talk about? I am not sure, but I feel as though I must figure it out so that I can work through the issues that underlie this sensitivity. Any insights would be appreciated.

Lapped

Hi guys, same stuff as usual - life is busy, blog takes a back seat.

Things are going ok.  Weighed in yesterday at 236.4.  I have been at 235 +/- 5 lbs since late May -- we are going on 6 months now.

Part of me is proud.  Even though I haven't tracked much of anything in awhile, I am able to maintain this weight.  That is evidence that my lifestyle has changed.  I can peel off a 5 mile ride like it is nothing.  Today I did one actually and was surprised when the odometer said I'd gone five miles; I thought it was more like 1.5.  Yesterday I rode my bike to go see a musical at our performing arts center.  Biking and more generally being active are just part of my normal life now.  So are fruits and vegetables and vitamins.  I am working on my abs and am making progress on my gun show even though I haven't blogged much about it lately.  I have maintained this weight while working on (and, I am optimistic, overcoming) bouts with SI joint issues, a herniated disc, sciatica symptoms and depression.  I didn't let physical problems derail me.  I am not letting busy-ness derail me either.  Yay me.  Huge props for the lifestyle change.

On the other hand, part of me is annoyed at myself.  I keep getting lapped by people online and in real life.  In the last six months I've seen people heavier than me sail by 235 and are now in the 210s.  One of my coworkers has lost 25 lbs and looks AMAZING!  She has done this all in the last 6 months where I have lost 0 lbs (actually, if we want to be technical, I've probably lost about 20 lbs, and gained it too -- yoyoing with this small window).  Now, I am so so so delighted for these folks.  I am proud of them, and I know that they have worked very hard to accomplish these amazing feats.  I'd be lying, though, if I didn't admit I was at least a bit jealous of them.

I feel like I am not even the tortoise in the tortoise and the hare story; I feel like a sloth who is getting her tail whooped by even the tortoise.  I am a huge proponent that you have to do what feels right, though (ie, forcing yourself to stay on a plan that doesn't feel right or like something you can do forever and resenting it seems like a recipe for disaster, and for undoing whatever progress you manage on said plan).  I think on some level my brain needs time to wrap its head around this weight loss for some reason.  Today I started tracking for WW again.  I tracked even the burger and fries I had for dinner.  If it feels right, I will continue.  

The good news that life and weight loss are not foot races.  Even if sloths are directed and determined, they will make it to the finish -- just like I will, even if I am 40 when that happens (I am currently 31).

Can anyone identify with this and/or share some motivation/WL mojo?

Transparency and Relating to Each Other

One of the main reasons I love blogs is that I really identify with so many of you in so many different ways. When I started this journey to get healthy (for the second and I truly hope final time), I felt like a failure. However, in reading many people’s healthiness blogs I realized that I was not alone, that change was possible, and that gastric bypass and some expensive/gimmicky program like Nutrisystem or MRC is not required to lose weight. I felt hope. Realizing I was not alone was such a valuable lesson for me and proved to be a turning point in my life. I rarely encountered people who were 100+ lbs. overweight and candid about their weight related struggles – until I “met” many of you through your blogs.

The other day, I talked to a friend that I rarely see and but I like a lot. It was funny, when I was at a conference in May I think I ran into him/her twice – both times for just a second. One of the times he/she saw me I was just bawling my eyes out in public; in retrospect I believe I had already begun to sink into the quicksand that is depression although I did not realize it and was not up to my neck at this point – probably just my waist. I was embarrassed to be seen like this, and disappointed we did not get to catch up (we see each other only a few times a year).

Turns out that during this time this person also decided to take a hiatus from social networking. Now this is something I have always kind of wanted to do, but never been willing to give up especially with my loneliness issues and lack of friends here. Sadly, social networks were one of the precious few ways I got social interaction and that was too important for me to give up; it’s not like I had any sort of “real” life that was getting shortchanged because of my online one.

Anyway…all this to say that last weekend this person made a rare appearance on Facebook chat. I just briefly messaged him/her just to say hi and see how he/she was doing. It was the most bizarre conversation as almost anything he/she said I could have said. At one point I was seriously like, “Get out of my head!”

In the last 6 months, depression has ravaged both of our lives and neither of us have gotten almost anything done in our professional lives (which are also quite similar). We have both felt like we are trying to stay put and not lose ground against a swiftly moving current – forget about making it to the point upstream where our careers need to go. It was the most bizarre thing. I could almost complete this person’s sentences, and I felt as though he/she could have completed mine.

One of the similarities in our stories is that my friend and I were both so skeptical about going on anti-depressants, but they ended up working for both of us. If you struggle with depression and a medical professional suggests this option, please consider it and don’t dismiss it. It can really work – in my case, it has been instrumental in changing my life. In just 30 days I noticed a remarkable difference, and others have too and have even commented about it here on my blog.

I write this to say the following: you are not alone. Whatever crappy shitstorm of life you find yourself in, there are others who are struggling through something similar just like you are. Hang on and don’t give up.

For problems that are hard and secrets that are shameful, sometimes just knowing that you’re not the only one struggling with something like you're going through is a first step. I wish you luck in finding others like you, and success in overcoming your problems.

While I have not overcome disordered eating habits – particularly an unnatural, unhealthy emotional attachment to food and a tendency to binge when sad, lonely, or frustrated – I am making progress on this front and overall things are easier. I still struggle and some days I give in and make bad decisions, but I am worlds better than I was when I started this in April 2009. There are people who struggle with chronic pain – from my experience with my back/SI issues, I have a small taste of what that is like (and it absolutely sucks). There are others who are depressed, and have emerged on the other side. And I know that it is possible to either get over many of these issues or at least manage them better.

We are not alone. We will make it. Realizing this and acknowledging this is helpful for me in making positive, sustainable changes in my life.

Thank you unnamed friend for helping me realize that I am not alone. There are other normal people out there who struggle with depression too. I wish there were not such a ginormous stigma attached to depression and that people actually talked to each other about it. But hey, as people who were/are morbidly obese and struggle with disordered eating, we know nothing about having shameful secrets and secret lives, right?! Ha.

Here’s to being transparent…acknowledging problems is the most fundamental step in addressing and fixing them. This is just one of the many many things that I am learning on this journey to make a healthier and better me.

The symptom or the problem?

I have known that things with me have not been right with me for awhile. I couldn't figure out what it was, but I knew that I needed to get into a counselor ASAP. As I have written about before, I have been in counseling before and found it very helpful.

I put off calling the counselor last Friday. Finally around 4:45, I called. No surprise; he wasn't in the office. What did surprise me, however, was how tough it was to place the call.

"Nah, you're really ok," my inner voice said. But every shred of evidence and an even deeper inner voice pointed toward the truth. Things are not ok. I am not ok. And I need help.

My eating had been spiraling out of control. Not out of control binge city 24-7, but enough to know that I was teetering on the edge of a cliff that, if I didn't find my way off of, was certain to lead to impending doom. I have worked too hard to make too many good changes to sacrifice this progress. The 3-4 lbs I've gained over the last two week are simply the warning sign of what's certain to be a downward spiral if I'm not careful. My mental health felt similar to how my back feels right before it's about to cause me major trouble. I am learning to recognize the signs.

I was unsuccessful in getting in touch with my counselor from before, so I took to the internet to find someone knowledgeable about food issues and eating disorders. It seems odd to think of myself as having an eating disorder because I have a mental image of people with eating disorders being skinny -- usually scarily and unhealthily so -- and that I sure ain't. However it's hard to make a compelling argument that my thoughts around food are healthy, and that my eating is not disordered, so I think I fall into this category (not to mention that binge eating disorder is officially recognized by the medical community as a problem).

I found a counselor with eating disorder expertise, of course did a bunch of background googling on her, and ended up deciding to give it a shot. I met with her for the first time yesterday.

I went in there expecting to talk about food, how I could reframe my relationship with food, and, eventually get more sane, healthy, and normal in my relationship with eating and food. However, we talked about the gambit of things. The official diagnosis? I am depressed. Very depressed. Again. DAMN IT!!!

As I think about it, though, she is right. Ever since I had the problems with my hip and back recur -- and have had to spend lots of time inside, not doing much so I don't hurt myself more, etc -- I have sunk deeper into a funk. I hate that.

The food and the overeating is a symptom of the problem, not the main problem (for now). The problem is depression, and food is just a coping mechanism for the problem. I will work on my relationship with food during counseling, but I will also work through the other stresses surrounding my life -- most notably, my job and my difficult time finding friends here. By dealing with the root causes and dealing with the food stuff too, I hope I can get fixed. I hate feeling broken, but admit that it's tough to get past the brokenness without acknowledging it first.

I am glad I was able to catch this 3-4 lbs into a gain rather than 20-50-60-100 lbs in. I am optimistic that working with someone who understands disordered eating, life as an academic, and mental health in general will be helpful. And I believe in myself and my ability to overcome depression, again. For the second time since I've moved here. Is this a sign of something?!?!

Mess mess messity mess

Today I am a mess. My back/hip issues have been so so bad lately. Yesterday I had a trip for work that I could basically under no circumstances miss. The meeting I had to attend took place about 3-3.5 hrs away from home, and I was beyond apprehensive about the drive. Fortunately a colleague was willing to do the driving, allowing me to lay down in the back seat the majority of the time. The same colleague helped me to adjust my leg length, temporarily relieving some of the pain and allowing me to sit up for the 3 hr meeting and the lunch that followed. By the time we got back though, I was spent. I laid down flat on my back when I got home around 5 PM, and that felt great. So great, actually, that I fell asleep until 11 PM. I woke up, watched a little TV, took some more ibuprofen, and then tried to go to sleep again around 1. I woke up this morning at 6. For those keeping score, that's 13 hours of sleep in 24 hours (I had to be up at 3:40 to go on the trip).

Today was supposed to be the only day I am in the office, as I leave for another fracking trip tomorrow. I really wanted to go in and take care of a lot of stuff (I was only in the office one day last week as well because of travel), but unfortunately there was absolutely no way that could happen. The pain was simply excruciating and intolerable.

I called the doctor first thing this morning and was very fortunate to get her last appointment for the day, which was around noon. I needed to get a referral for physical therapy (which was helpful but really dragged out last time these SI joint issues presented themselves), and was hoping to get something that would help get me through my trip this week.

When the doctor came in, I immediately started crying. This really surprised me, but is a testament to both how badly this injury hurts, and how absolutely insanely frustrated I am. She gave me a cortisone shot, and controlled-substance-level prescriptions for both muscle relaxers (Flexerol) and pain relief (Lortab). She also told me, "If I could tell you the absolute worst thing to do, it would be to travel and to be forced to sit for long periods." As luck has it, of course, this is the day before I fly to Louisville for a three day 8:30-5 workshop that I was totally stoked to attend.

This morning, my stomach was really letting me know it was super hungry, probably because I went to bed (aka fell asleep on the floor) at 5 without eating dinner, and had only a banana when I woke up from 11-1. Although the physical signs of hunger were there, I didn't want to eat. I could not believe it. This behavior was totally uncharacteristic of me. I just didn't want to have to find a way to sit comfortably, and I could not think of a way to eat lying flat on my back. I ended up eating a bowl of oatmeal with a banana, blueberries, and milk -- but I didn't want to eat it.

For lunch, I was again hungry and I was a little more excited about eating, but not all that much. I ate two tacos.

When I went to pick up my prescriptions this afternoon, I started crying immediately upon entering the Walmart. I was just so so frustrated, and I wanted to binge. I wasn't hungry, but I wanted red velvet cake. I wanted ice cream. I wanted chips and dip. I wanted chocolate. I wanted basically everything.

I thought about that morning in the doctor's office. The technician guessed I weighed somewhere between 160-180 (down from last time when she guessed 180-200). These last 10-15 lbs I have lost have really made a difference in my appearance. Several people have told me they think I look great now, and a few have even suggested that I stop losing weight. I thought about this and weighed it against the prospect of a huge binge. I thought about the two donuts I ate the day before, and how they tasted great but made me feel tired, sluggish, and not myself. I thought about the new clothes I have bought, and how I am maybe 10-15 lbs away from being out of the plus sized section and able to shop in "regular" stores. I also thought about how I just feel better about myself now.

I decided I like my current life better than my old one -- even with this temporary injury -- and reminded myself that binges really lead to nothing good. I cried the entire way through Walmart (and felt like an idiot, but fortunately ran into no one I knew) -- partially out of pain and partially because my brain was screaming for junk food. I steeled myself, and I made it out of there only with my prescriptions, some cottage cheese, and some mandarin orange slices. These are admittedly a treat, but a calculated one.

I am sick of feeling bad, but I am proud of myself for remembering that food will not fix this problem. If anything, carrying more weight will mess up my SI joint even worse. I hope I feel better soon, but I am glad that the mental aspect of figuring out how to live a healthier lifestyle is something that -- at least for now -- I am still able to control.

Judgement

As I have written before, this is not the first time I've been down the get healthy road. It is the second. Obviously, that means that things derailed the first time.

Both times I have gotten healthy been similar. I have, in both cases, reached a point where my ability to live life was severely compromised. I felt uncomfortable in my own skin and, ultimately, reached a point where I said "ENOUGH!" and decided to change. And both times, it has been very very difficult initially, I reached a point where it felt natural and like life was great, and then it has gotten tougher. The first time, obviously, it got so tough that I gave up.

To lose weight -- both times -- I have taken a relatively healthy approach. I eat a lot of fruits and vegetables, and try to limit the amount of processed crap that I eat. I exercise 5-6 times a week. I do it the old school way -- the way that I think is healthy and, both times I have tried it, it has worked like a charm. It's not easy, but it gets me results and I feel a ton better when I fitter than when I am fatter.

The first time I lost weight, I really wanted to become a health evangelist. I am not sure how obnoxious I became, but everytime I saw someone fat I thought, "You know, there is no reason to be fat!! You will feel so much better if you lose weight, and losing weight really isn't that hard!!" I rarely (at least as far as I remember) actually said such things out loud, but I thought them often. And when I saw overweight and especially obese people, I judged them. I wondered why they did that to themselves. How could they not just change their eating, their bodies, and their lives? I mean, changing your diet and exercising isn't that hard right?

And then I relapsed. And then I got up to 299.4, about 10 lbs higher than my previous high weight. And then I felt bad for having judged the fat people, because I once again was one. It is a lot easier to dole judgement out than to be on the receiving end, you know?

As a re-morbidly obese person, I saw the world differently than I did the first time I was that way. I was cynical when people on Biggest Loser-type shows would say goodbye to the 400s forever. "Ha!" I thought. "This is so much harder than you realize, and you will be back!" It's not that I wished failure on anyone, but as someone who had been down the road to being healthy and then back up the road to being unhealthy, I was incredulous. I thought everyone else was destined to fail too. And, unfortunately, statistically speaking most people do.

I hope this is the time my lifestyle changes stick. I hope that I am one of the 5% who does not regain the weight back that they lose. I am working to overhaul my life -- AGAIN -- to be one that I enjoy living, is healthy, and I am proud of. It is hard work, but I am finding it worth it.

This time, when I see overweight people I don't judge them. It is hard to describe my feelings toward them. I am a lot slower to see their "laziness" that I used to see the first time I lost weight, and now usually see their sadness. I remember how I wanted to change for so long, but was sad and afraid to fail. I remember how there were points where I felt like food was my only friend. Mostly, I see a lot of the old me in the current them. And it makes me sad.

Yes, losing weight and feeling great is part of the equation, but fixing the me underneath -- the feelings, habits, behaviors, and environments that helped me to get to a breath away from 300 lbs -- is the harder part, and the part that will allow me to be part of the 5% that succeeds at getting and keeping the weight off. I am working so hard at this, and hope I get it. And if I do, I pray that I will not be judgmental of those who are still not there yet and those who are fighting the good fight to get healthy. It is a very hard and tiring fight but one that I imagine will feel great to win.

Relapse

This is a hard blog entry to write.

I am a food addict. If you google food addition, I fit most if not all of the signs. Here is one of the lists I found.

• Obsessed with thoughts about food.
• Eats to relieve worry or stress.
• Feels anxious while eating.
• Worries or feels anxious while eating which results in more eating.
• Overeats because the food is there.
• Eats too fast so they can eat more.
• Eats everything on the plate even when they feel full.
• Feels guilty when they overeat.
• Hides food so they can eat in secret away from other people.
• Goes on a food binge after dieting or after trying to cut back.
• Sees food as something to be avoided or as harmful.

Yep, I'm a prototypical food addict.

In the last year I have been in recovery. I have worked to try to find a place of moderation -- the place where I can enjoy food, recognize it as fuel for life, and not give it an undeservedly and unnecessarily elevated place on priority list.

If you read some addiction literature, they state "Relapse is a part of recovery."

Crap. This has been me this week. I have been eating crap that is not good for my body, and too much of it.

I have tried to figure out why this is happening? I still don't really know, but I think a lot of it is busy-ness. I didn't get a chance to go grocery shopping last weekend and I felt the effect of that all week. I had no eggs to eat in the morning. I couldn't pack lunches. I ate crap instead.

At first, it didn't show up on the scale, but it is starting to now. I've gained about 3 lbs. I caught myself almost writing "only" 3 lbs. Isn't it funny how we are quick to dismiss modest losses, and even are sometimes disappointed with them, but here I am about to rationalize gaining "only" 3 lbs? That would be a very very good weight loss week, or more likely two pretty good weeks. I've sabotaged myself here and gained that back in a week, but I am quick to minimize it.

Can I make a confession though? I read a lot. From my reading (and from common sense really) I know my body is supposed to not like this food and not function as well on all the chemicals and sugar and fat. I have to say, though, I feel fine and like those chemicals haven't really affected me at all. I could be living in a state of denial but seriously, I did just as well at the gym this week as I did any other week. Nonetheless I know that donuts and sausage rolls and excessive amounts of pizza and soda are not good for me, or my heart and that I cannot make good friends with them like I used to be. I still believe I can stop by and say hi once in awhile, but we can't be besties like we used to be.

I will not let my hard work go totally to waste. I cannot let this become a gateway to gaining all of this weight back. I need to get back on track, but this is hard.

I remember when I first started this journey, every decision was hard. I had to fight to make most decisions wisely. Eventually, it became easier because the "good" decisions felt natural and the old decisions I used to make all the time felt splurge-y and indulgent. I am getting back to the place where those old decisions are becoming more natural and reflexive. I need to get back to the place where the healthy decisions are the default ones.

Fake it 'til you make it, and Weight Watchers Week 8

I have really been struggling as of late. No idea why really, which is bizzare. However, my food and exercise have not really been on plan. It is so bizarre for me to not want to exercise, but that definitely has been the case lately and I have not exercised since Saturday.

Fortunately today is a new day (and the start of a new week for WW) so I am making a fresh go at things. I have tracked everything and today I WILL make to to the gym. Gotta keep things moving if I want to see that August gun show.

This morning I was feeling so low. I also felt totally crappy yesterday, but I figured it was the headache and lack of sleep so I just passed out and ended up sleeping a total of about 10 hours yesterday (5:15-9PM, midnight-6:30ish). I felt physically better when I woke up but emotionally I was still a wreck. Part of it is my job, part of it is just feeling like I am sucking at the weight loss thing. Basically, I was having one of those mornings where you feel like a huge steaming pile of failure. Anyone ever have one of those? They suck.

I drug myself to work and ended up crawling into Karen Standley's office where I proceeded to melt into a pile of tears. Almost did the ugly cry. It wasn't pretty. She talked some sense into me and reminded me about the importance of the words we speak. There is a truism about this in almost every religion/belief system -- basically about positive affirmations and speaking things into being. In general I believe in putting an asterisk by such things (i.e., you have to put things into proper context), but today I was willing to take it! I needed to hear it.

I went to my office and did some work, but I ended up making a list of things that I believe are positive and that I want to will be. I am and will be

strong

resilient

motivated

dedicated

caring

healthy

successful

warm

friendly

supported

supportive

collaborative

responsive

proactive

organized

staying the course

CONFIDENT

I really struggle with the last one especially, but I am laying hold of it today. I am CONFIDENT.

WW meeting was today. Once again, the scale did not make sense. Despite eating an entire pizza Saturday, not exercising Sunday through Tuesday, and eating an entire package of Cadbury eggs and Reese's bunnies, I was down a pound. No idea.

Regardless of whether I'm losing or gaining, you cannot say that stuff is healthy. And, as per my affirmations, I am healthy so those are not the types of decisions I will make this week. It's not the falling that matters. It's the doing things over and over so that you get better at them, developing the ability to pick yourself up and keep going, and getting stronger so you don't fall nearly so much. Time to get up and go again. Week 9: game on.

When things don't make sense

This weekend, I went to Columbus OH to see my brother perform his senior recital (he is a bassoon performance and composition major), and I had a really good time. I did not stay on my plan, which was part of my plan. I suppose I could have been more dedicated about it, but I didn't want to. This is not to say that I went completely crazy, but I did have several treats I rarely allow myself (chocolate and other types of sugar) and I let myself have other treats more than usual (cheese dip). I wasn't expecting the number on the scale to be awesome when I got home, but I wasn't sure what it would be.

I was up a pound. That seemed about right, and I was not disappointed. However, it has been really tough to get back on the plan. I feel like the verse in Romans where Paul is talking about feeling like has no control over what he is doing, and doing what he hates. I have been continuing to shovel crappy junk food into my body. Monday when I got back from my trip (which was a nightmare due to the terrible customer service of Delta airlines), I could have easily gone to the gym, but I didn't. I instead went to Chili's for dinner and graded exams all evening. Tuesday I ate out -- twice. And it was not healthy either time.

Yet, today the scale is the lowest it has ever been on this part of the journey (245.8). It makes no sense. The scale I have also gives a number for visceral fat, which is some reading of how much fat is surrounding your organs -- ie, a measure of the dangerous fat. My number has been 8 for as long as I had my scale (the high end of the normal/healthy range), but today it went down to 7. Again, the best ever for me.

I'm not sure why the scale is cooperating when it clearly shouldn't be. Maybe I am dehydrated (though I don't think so -- drank plenty of water yesterday). Maybe this is the hard work I did last week catching up with me, when I barely lost anything. Maybe it's a fluke. I have no idea. Regardless, I need to get back on plan.

I need to eat things that will help my body to stay healthy, and the foods I have been eating are not those types of food. It is important for my heart and my overall health to fuel my body with the right things. Every time I get off plan for any extended period I wonder "Was that really worth it?" simply because it is so hard to get back on the right track. My health should be a strong enough motivator but sometimes it is not. I really need to dig deep today and pack my lunch and stop whining and fretting about all of this. Just do it.

I will myself to do this.

It is time for me to take another prednisone but I don't want to. I will do the right thing and do it though.