I'm Back

So when people disappear from healthy living blogs, it's generally not because they're out there just living on the healthy straight and narrow.  This is true of me too.

Since I last blogged, I've gained a significant amount of weight and am now north of 250 again.  It is frustrating.  It is a result of my actions, obviously, but it is frustrating.

Since I last blogged so much has happened.  Most notably, I suffered from very severe hip injury where many times I was unable even to walk.  This meant exercise was out of the question, and I fell back on an old friend who has brought me significant comfort in hard times: food.  A fickle friend, food is.

The story is long and involved, but suffice it to say that through my hip pain and inability to walk I met God in the most real, tangible way I ever have and He changed my life.  Ultimately He healed me for which I am supremely grateful.  My life is a testament to His goodness, even when I do not understand what the hell is going on.

So, last week I knew it was time.  Time to exercise again.  Time to get going on living a healthy life.  At 252 I joined Weight Watchers.  It wasn't without its bumps, but things were working and I even took a walk one day and swam another.  Yay activity!

Then Friday afternoon, I got a text from my mom.

her - "How old was Titus?" (my cousin)
me - "I have no idea.  Maybe two years older than me?"
her - "He died of a heart attack."

It's hit me like a ton of bricks.  I am heartbroken for his family.  It's not because we were close.  Not at all, in fact.  It's mostly fear co-mingled with a helping of "Wow your family sucks."  The fear is because of the heart disease that runs rampant on both sides of my family.  Titus wasn't even obese as far as I know, but he died at age 35ish of a heart attack.  That is simultaneously crazy and terrifying.  The family sucking thing?  It's just true.  I'll keep the details off the blog but it is true.

I have been surprised how deeply this has affected me, but it is hard not to revert to stuffing my face instead of feeling the emotion.  Saturday was not good in this regard.  Sunday was better but also not great.

So that's where I am.  I am 252 right now.  Very few of my clothes fit.  I am sad.  I haven't been taking care of my body.  But I am a fighter and I know I will not give up.  Please pray for me, though, because this is hard.