Wellbutrin

Yesterday I went to the doctor to talk about meds. Lately, things here are somewhat better, but not always, and not to any sort of a level I would call "good". After mulling over the suggestion of my counselor to consider anti-depressive meds, I decided yesterday that this was a good idea.

First of all, my life and work are about to get a lot crazier. I would like to be able to handle all of the stress without crumbling up into a ball and crying all the time. Second of all, I hate feeling like everything -- seriously almost everything -- takes a monumental effort to start or do. Although this is getting easier, it's nowhere near easy. People who have been depressed before know what this feels like. It is absolutely miserable and debilitating.

So, I decided to visit the doctor. I have talked about my old doctor and how I despised him. A coworker recommended to me a new doctor, and I love her. My love for her grows each visit. She is polite and professional, but not really kind and warm. At first it was slightly offputting, but then I realized "Would you expect the same friendliness or warmth from a male doctor?", I realized I wouldn't necessarily, and then got over it. Now I really appreciate her well-reasoned, unemotional approach because I feel like I can trust her more -- she is not telling me what I want to hear or what she thinks will make me not feel bad, but what she believes (I realize anything else would be unethical or unprofessional, but my mind is weird how it works I guess).

When I went into to the office, I explained my situation -- that I had been seeing a counselor for about a month, that the psychologist had suggested that I consider meds, and that this was not my first journey through the barren wasteland of depression as I had successfully overcome depression just 18 months earlier with the help of a psychologist. I also explained my concerns -- that I didn't want to be dulled to the point that I could not feel anything (if that were true, I'd rather just feel sad because at least now I am occasionally happy; I'd prefer that to being a shell of a person with no feelings) and that I did not want to be on drugs forever. I also made it very clear that I was not coming to see her to get a prescription for something. I wanted to talk about the option. I am not opposed to taking these drugs, but I am also not wanting to jump on them for fun and I'm under no illusion that drugs will be a magic bullet that fix everything. Basically, I wanted to be sure that the next steps -- whether or not they included me taking drugs -- were well reasoned and likely to be the right ones.

The way my doctor handled this was amazing. She was very receptive to this approach. She asked me lots of questions, offered some funny but I think appropriate life advice, and had me fill out "tests"/surveys about anxiety and depression. The way the tests are scored, higher numbers mean more -- either more depressed or more anxious; scoring above 50 means you're at the clinical level (either clinically depressed or serious anxiety). On the anxiety test, I scored 46; on the depression test, I scored 61.

The ultimate recommendation was that I go on a medication. She wrote me a prescription for Wellbutrin which helps to treat depression, seasonal affective disorder, and helps people trying to quit smoking by reducing their cravings. I hope it helps. I need to be able to feel better and move on with living my life. If it helps me to better deal with cravings, even better.