Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Riding it out

Last week I didn't track for Weight Watchers. This week so far I haven't either. In fact, my eating yesterday was atrocious -- very stressful day. Today was a bit better. Through the last two days of intense boringness and stress (the paradox of all day meetings), exercise has been my sanity. I can't believe it. I was sooo looking forward to my Body Flow (yoga, pilates, tai chi) class yesterday and water aerobics today.

I would really like to get my eating together again soon though. My friend and I are tentatively planning a trip to Disney World in October. I really hope we are able to make it work. I really need something to look forward to. I have been in day-to-day survival mode here for so long; this would be something I can look forward to with joy not anxiety or dread. I would love to see and catch up with my friend (and possibly meet another great friend who lives in the Orlando area for dinner or something), and I can think of no better place to do it than the happiest place on earth! (which we both love)

Although I don't believe in the "Lose x lbs. by y time frame" type goals anymore (reason: I realize I can only control my behaviors -- while the scale is likely to follow, there is no guarantee and sometimes it does weird things), I would love to lose another 10 lbs (or more) in the next two months. While this seems doable, there has to be something better -- more manageable and measurable -- that I aim for. Maybe tracking at least half the weeks (or more) or something like that? Suggestions, peanut gallery?

Lately, I have just been riding it out. Working to deal with the emotions and the sadness that seem to come in waves. I am starting to notice a difference with the Wellbutrin. I am feeling more like myself, although I still sometimes feel sad and in a daze. I am working to cope with this and deal with the intense and overwhelming sadness in ways other than with food. Sometimes I am successful, sometimes not. I don't beat myself up over it and am working to give myself latitude. While a part of me is sad/angry with myself that I am not losing, I am very proud that I am continuing to work out regularly and with vigor and am maintaining my weight. I will get back to WL when I am ready. I have been in this mental holding pattern before -- and it was 9 months and 25 lbs ago. I am confident that I can deal with my issues, get things mentally squared a way, and -- when the time is right, get back to pushing toward a lower weight. I have been at this place before -- a self imposed plateau to get things in my head squared away so that I was back and re-engaged in losing weight, not resenting it. I am confident I will get out of here again. A healthy life, though, is not something you take time off from. I will continue to eat a bunch of fruits and vegetables, workout, and see a counselor to improve my mental health. But I'm not going to lie, I would love to get all this squared away soon so I am soon excited about losing weight again and willing to do the work it will require.


  1. Sarah,

    We've been to Disney a couple of times in October and it's probably our favorite time to go. Back in our higher flying days (i.e. before I retired and we had more income to do wilder things) we had season passes to Disney and have been in just about every month. October brings gorgeous flowers in the garden and smaller crowds.

    I sense a subtle shift in today's post. Sorry I've been largely absent with my support, but that doesn't mean I haven't been here cheering you on. Sometimes when we are struggling with depression, it is simply easier to work on one thing at a time because anything more is just plain overwhelming.

  2. Weight loss is mentally draining- for me anyway, especially when it's like a roller coaster. Hang in there Sarah! I love looking forward to things too- Hope that trip happens for ya! :)

  3. Oh I hope you can go ont he trip! That sounds like so much fun! and 1 on 1 girl time will be great!


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