Friday, May 28, 2010

Today I am sad

I don't really know why, but I am. I am incredibly sad, and I don't like it.

This afternoon I was so so lonely. I am single and I have not made too many friends since I moved here almost exactly three years ago. I tried in earnest for awhile, gave up, had a renewed burst of trying, and eventually settled into a place where I thought I was content even though I don't have too many friends here.

I am an introvert. I like me time. I love it actually. I love feeling like I can do what I want, when I want, unencumbered by feeling like I am inconveniencing someone else. I generally don't feel uncomfortable eating by myself, traveling by myself, etc.

But sometimes I just want friends.

I tried to find a church that I liked. I went to one here for awhile, but it was a square peg round hole situation. And I'm always hypersensitive about people judging/hating on the gays because my brother is gay. I just won't go somewhere that would not tolerate him as he is probably one of if not my very best friend, and I fundamentally believe that being gay is not a choice. Given that it is not a choice, I feel it is cruel that God would ostracize someone who he made, in the eyes of the church, "wrong". I wrestle a lot with this.

I have some work friends I like a lot, but we do not hang out much. There are different reasons which I won't go into here. I love them, but most of them are in very different stages of life than me. This makes it hard both to find time to get together and on some level a little bit harder for us to relate.

I don't know where else one goes to find friends and, to be perfectly honest, I am pretty guarded and jaded about the whole thing. I joined the hiking club, but I don't go regularly like I should. I want to join the beginners bike riders group but I haven't. It's almost like I am afraid of getting let down again and not finding friends there either -- but let's not forget the wisdom of Wayne Gretzky who said, "You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take."

I don't feel like I'm that odd. A little eccentric, sure, but not out and out odd. I've had lots of friends in the past but, upon reflection, every other stage in my life I have been in a very friend-rich environment with high turnover and lots of new people and friend making opportunities. I miss that.

So today I am sad and I wish I had more friends here. I am getting so much better at acknowleding underlying feelings and dealing with them in ways other than gorging myself. Today, however, I let food be my friend and, wouldn't you know it, I still feel lonely.

Ironically, this week I bought the Geneen Roth book "Breaking Free from Emotional Eating." I have been too scared to start it, but I should just suck it up. I really do want to decouple food from my emotions, both happy and sad. Today I am such a mess.


  1. I'm sorry your sad Sarah. It's so hard making close friends. I have many friends through church - but yet - if we or they moved, I know we wouldn't stay connected, so I know it's not a real "true" friendship - and that's sad. I would recommend giving church another try. I know your topic is a hot spot for conversation -but try to focus on the other basic principles of the church. Do they believe the creed and keep Jesus as the focus, are they a bible based church? not everyone agrees on everything, but I know God would want you to fellowship with others. It's how he designed us. Our church definitly has a stance on homosexuality - but it's not like it comes up in conversation much. It's been preached before - they're not shy to say what they belive... but they're still a welcoming church(not that this helps you much).

  2. I find it hard to make friends also and the past 5 years have been such a transition for me it VERY hard to find people to be active with.

    Try the hiking group and bike group soon. At least those people are active and have one similar goal.

  3. I wish I could help - and I feel you on the hard to make friends, and hard to find a church (though I realize that I don't fully, what with the husband & kids.) (The lack of a church is high on my list of reasons not to stay here forever.) Another reason to be grateful for Facebook, unfulfilling as it is ;-)

  4. I am not sure I totally agree with your view on homosexuality, but I do agree that the church makes a huge mistake in ostracizing homosexuals. As I see it, that sin is no more repulsive in God's eyes than having an affair. In fact, one of the pillars of the Old Testament, David, not only stole another man's wife, but he had the man killed too. There is no doubt that acting on homosexual desires is a sin, but that sin doesn't mean the person won't make it to heaven. So many people see their sins through rose colored glasses.

    Sorry for the long comment.

  5. Sarah, Get OUT OF MY HEAD! I was just talking about this that I feel like I don't have many friends here. Sure there are people I get along with at work, but outside of that we don't do much anymore (if we ever did at all). People are married, have kids, moved away, going back to school, etc etc. Schedules got really busy for everyone (myself included) and We lost touch. There isn't anyone I can just call up and say hey wanna watch bad tv? Or even want to catch a movie? It take intense planning and more effort than it should be. Don't get me wrong, I did organize a group of girls to go see SATC2 last week but still, calling that a rare occurance is an understatement.

    Sometimes it feels like if I don't have kids and set up play dates, I don't get to see anyone outside of work. Even with having Golf League and trying to do other activities, it's hard finding people to do things with. To get that connection, to have a close friend to just chat with or hang out and watch bad TV.

    One of the things I miss about college is always being able to find someone to just go for a walk with, or hang out, or somehow waste time. I'm in this small town and although I have work friends, and a boyfriend (given he lives an hour and a half away) I too feel lonely a lot.

    I would totally hang out with you if we were closer. I had fun when we'd check out DLister or attempt to try yoga... haha!

  6. Sarah, I am so glad that you commented on my blog because then I had the opportunity to find your blog. Especially because I have been feeling EXACTLY the same way. I moved to Austin only a year ago and due to being let go I had a ton of emotions. Then for me being fat didn't really encourage my get up and go thoughts to meet people.

    I was raised Catholic and when my bottom kinda fell out for me I found a church near me to meet people and find community. But you said it exactly right...a square peg round hole situation. I feel the same way about gay people. I was going to the bible study and I couldn't believe people were taking the bible literally and I found it ironic when we got to the part where circumcision was a sin. I had to stop there and ask the awkward question so all the men in this room and everyone's children aren't circumcised?? Nope, every last one of them were and I don't blame them but when they are saying we must take the bible literally but then they're are going to pick and choose what should be literal, I find disturbing. I'm sorry about my diatribe.


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