Both times I have gotten healthy been similar. I have, in both cases, reached a point where my ability to live life was severely compromised. I felt uncomfortable in my own skin and, ultimately, reached a point where I said "ENOUGH!" and decided to change. And both times, it has been very very difficult initially, I reached a point where it felt natural and like life was great, and then it has gotten tougher. The first time, obviously, it got so tough that I gave up.
To lose weight -- both times -- I have taken a relatively healthy approach. I eat a lot of fruits and vegetables, and try to limit the amount of processed crap that I eat. I exercise 5-6 times a week. I do it the old school way -- the way that I think is healthy and, both times I have tried it, it has worked like a charm. It's not easy, but it gets me results and I feel a ton better when I fitter than when I am fatter.
The first time I lost weight, I really wanted to become a health evangelist. I am not sure how obnoxious I became, but everytime I saw someone fat I thought, "You know, there is no reason to be fat!! You will feel so much better if you lose weight, and losing weight really isn't that hard!!" I rarely (at least as far as I remember) actually said such things out loud, but I thought them often. And when I saw overweight and especially obese people, I judged them. I wondered why they did that to themselves. How could they not just change their eating, their bodies, and their lives? I mean, changing your diet and exercising isn't that hard right?
And then I relapsed. And then I got up to 299.4, about 10 lbs higher than my previous high weight. And then I felt bad for having judged the fat people, because I once again was one. It is a lot easier to dole judgement out than to be on the receiving end, you know?
As a re-morbidly obese person, I saw the world differently than I did the first time I was that way. I was cynical when people on Biggest Loser-type shows would say goodbye to the 400s forever. "Ha!" I thought. "This is so much harder than you realize, and you will be back!" It's not that I wished failure on anyone, but as someone who had been down the road to being healthy and then back up the road to being unhealthy, I was incredulous. I thought everyone else was destined to fail too. And, unfortunately, statistically speaking most people do.
I hope this is the time my lifestyle changes stick. I hope that I am one of the 5% who does not regain the weight back that they lose. I am working to overhaul my life -- AGAIN -- to be one that I enjoy living, is healthy, and I am proud of. It is hard work, but I am finding it worth it.
This time, when I see overweight people I don't judge them. It is hard to describe my feelings toward them. I am a lot slower to see their "laziness" that I used to see the first time I lost weight, and now usually see their sadness. I remember how I wanted to change for so long, but was sad and afraid to fail. I remember how there were points where I felt like food was my only friend. Mostly, I see a lot of the old me in the current them. And it makes me sad.
Yes, losing weight and feeling great is part of the equation, but fixing the me underneath -- the feelings, habits, behaviors, and environments that helped me to get to a breath away from 300 lbs -- is the harder part, and the part that will allow me to be part of the 5% that succeeds at getting and keeping the weight off. I am working so hard at this, and hope I get it. And if I do, I pray that I will not be judgmental of those who are still not there yet and those who are fighting the good fight to get healthy. It is a very hard and tiring fight but one that I imagine will feel great to win.
No comments:
Post a Comment