Food pantries

This post was prompted by the Weight Watchers Lose for Good campaign. I love and am very grateful for Weight Watchers. It has changed my life, and I am really grateful for everything the program has taught me. Through Weight Watchers, I've lost 70 lbs.

The biggest thing I love about Weight Watchers is that I can eat real food, and that I can eat whatever I want. I cannot eat as much as I want of whatever I want, but Weight Watchers has taught me how I can "budget" for the foods I want and enjoy them in moderation. As someone who has never really done much of anything in moderation, this is a great skill for me to learn.

I read on a fellow Weight Watcher's blog about the Lose for Good campaign, where they ask you to donate something (a food item, a pound of food, etc) for every pound you've lost to a food pantry. I love this idea. I lately have felt very prompted to give more of my money away, and heard just last week about how many of our local food pantries are running very low on food. This is not a coincidence; I believe that this is a direct sign that I need to give food to these food pantries. I felt great about all of this.... (except for the food pantries being short; that part made me sad)

...then I thought to myself, "What should I give these food pantries?" I think canned food is gross and I really don't eat that much from bags or boxes or cans as I think they're mostly unhealthy (although convenient). I prefer fresh vegetables, milk, fruit, and obviously my favorite -- cheese! But I don't know how I can donate these, as they are harder to store and distribute than shelf-stable items. Also, I don't know how to effectively strike the balance between being like the fuddy-duddy who gave bags of carrots away for Halloween and the person who gives candy to kids in third world nations where they can't easily brush their teeth. I mean, what is the right answer? Donate some Ramen noodles and PopTarts? Or donate some bagged lentils -- surely those would not really be a huge hit, although they're healthy (and a personal favorite of mine).

I welcome your thoughts. Weight Watchers has changed for my life and I'd love to participate in their noble efforts to pay it forward via food drive donations...but paying it forward with unhealthy, sodium laden processed foods that played a major role in my own weight struggles just seems wrong. I don't know. Thoughts? Suggestions?

Back down

As I mentioned, when I was moving I didn't track my food or anything and I got out of the habit of attending OA meetings. I need to re-integrate OA into the schedule, but with everything going on it just has not happened -- but I've been solidly on WW for a little over a week. I lost about 3 lbs last week. Anyhow, because I was eating out a lot (when all the dishes were packed and life was just insanely busy etc) and because I was not tracking my food, I got back up to around 235 over the course of the move/birthday/finally this proposal is done stuff. On the one hand this is good because this is were I was stuck for a year, and during that period when I gained weight it was usually up to about 240 so that's a net loss of 5 lbs. However, any regression is regression and who likes moving backwards?! It's tough to celebrate a gain when, well, it's a gain.

Anyway, the point of this point -- as of this morning I'm back down to 228.8. So nice to be solidly back in the 220s again.

One of the unexpended surprises (all good BTW) of moving in with a roommate is that it is easier to eat more normally since she is around. I had gotten into the pretty bad habit of eating an entire watermelon for dinner once or twice a week when I lived alone. Now, yes, it's "free" on WW, but that is abusing their free fruit policy -- it is not at all the way they intended for that rule to be used. I do not do that anymore because 1) it is just wrong, 2) others know it is wrong, so it would appear (for good reason) to be gluttonous to others so I don't want to look weird around others, 3) there is more to do/I feel way less lonely. So, the roommate decision is good all around.

I intended this to be a one sentence post just reporting the good news that I'm back in the 220s. I guess I had a little more to say than I realized :) The good news is, well, it's all good news!

Tough week

I told you how last week I was teetering on edge with food. I didn't quite explain the whole story. Last weekend, I went with my brother to St. Louis for a quick mini-vacation. I was stressed and my productivity was waning, so I thought two days completely off (NO work, not even a little) would help me out. Incidentally, I have found that taking weekends off guilt free about 80%+ of the time is something that is pretty important for me to have a level head and to ward off depression. I honor this, and take weekends. I may do work around the house, but I don't do school work most weekends.

But anyway, last weekend I met my brother in St. Louis. I prayed for help from God with the food. "Please help me to make wise decisions." I felt good about my decisions, but my Weight Watchers week starts Sunday and on Sunday I was down to 12 weekly points (you start with 49 so basically I had a ton of food Sunday). I made the decision to track it and move on. I would not shirk my responsibility to be accountable for my food.

Anyway, that made it hard for the rest of the week as I had very little leeway on what I could eat (and I rarely stay within my daily points). And when you eat carrot cake? You know, that stuff that costs 18 points/slice? You're kind of hosed for the day unless you've got some extra points to dig into.

All this to day? I was starting on very thin ice if I was going to stick to WW for the week. But I did it, and I ended up only at -10 for the week (I thought for sure I'd end up much deeper in the hole than that).

I am realizing that Weight Watchers is something very deep to me. Not because it's the very best program out there (although I like it a lot, and so do nutritionists), but because it's an act of submission and surrender, and I feel accountable to it. As long as I am honest about what I eat, I am doing ok. Once I start fudging and not recording my food, I feel like it is a slippery slope. I am grateful for the structure the program provides. I am realizing it's important to be honest about what I eat even when especially when you ate half a deep dish pizza and some chocolate all in one day and that leaves you mostly out of any extra points for the week.

Not the Answer You Expected...

The other day I was leaving work to go to lunch. One of the coworkers I don't get to see often (she is in administration and in a different part of the building than I am) was headed out of the building the same time as I was.

We made some smalltalk, exchanging our plans for and accomplishments so far during summer. She then paid me a compliment, saying I looked great. She asked me, "So I never did hear how you lost all the weight. What did you do?"

I am sure she was expecting a short and succinct answer -- something along the lines of Jenny Craig, or gastric bypass, or Weight Watchers. I simply couldn't give her one. The further and further I get down the path of healthy living -- a path along which the scenery and tools will change, but that I should never leave -- the less convinced I am that there are quick answers to what are meant to be easy questions about this journey.

I told her that I hadn't lost weight in a year, but that it has been an important year mentally for me with respect to staying healthy. I told her how I've worked to get a handle on my compulsive eating. I told her how I work to integrate exercise into my everyday life, taking the stairs instead of the elevator and riding my bike to work when the weather is nice. I told her that I eat tons and tons of fruits and vegetables and make healthier choices. I told her I had to focus on getting my mental health in order. I told her that I haven't cut out certain foods altogether, but I really make it worth it when I splurge.

Basically, I told her the truth. For me, the truth of how I've started to change my life and my habits cannot be summed up in a short 2-5 word phrase. It's the result of hard work. It's sometimes a struggle. Sometimes, I mess up.

And, finally, I told her I'd done Weight Watchers but that that's been a more minor piece of the get healthy puzzle. After all, I've been "doing" WW intermittently for the last year, and I've just gained and lost the same 10 lbs over and over. Weight Watchers is really a tool for me to manage what I put in my body, and not an answer in itself.

But all of this? This healthy living thing? It is worth it.

I can climb stairs without getting tired. People don't look at me with "that look" when I'm in public. I am starting to be able to shop in normal stores and normal sections -- ie, something besides Lane Bryant and the tiny corner of old lady fat clothes in regular department stores. I can fit into restaurant booths. I am not so fat that that's the first thing people notice about me.

And although Weight Watchers has played an integral role in all of this -- one that I will forever be thankful for and proud of -- I am the one who has done the work, with the help of my "higher power". And most of it has gone way deeper than just the food I eat -- to why I eat, how I view food, and the emotion behind the food.

And all of this? The changes I've made in my life? I would not trade them for a mountain of cheese dip. There really is life beyond the food. It's so much more than just looking cute walking around in nice clothes. And it is so so so much richer than I would have thought or imagined.

The last few weeks...

I got an e-mail from a friend a couple days ago telling me I had been quiet (as in, not updating my blog) and asking me how things were going.

I am so so glad to say things are going well. There are several things that I am sure are playing into this. I'd say this boils down to four main reasons why things are going so well.

1. The OA program has really helped me. I will write more about this in a future post but for now I will say that if you suffer from compulsive eating, I'd absolutely recommend giving OA a try. For me it has worked wonders. I am excited to share more about this.
2. The doctor has upped the dosage of meds. While I'm not excited about this, per se, I am glad that I seem to be feeling better and that this upped dosage seems to be working in concert with the other changes I'm making and actions I am taking to change my life.
3. I have started therapy again. One of the therapist's suggestions was that I really regiment my time via a strict schedule. While I initially hated/resisted this idea, it has revolutionized the way that I keep track of time and has been wonderful for my productivity. And, being productive helps me to feel good about myself.
4. I rely on my real life friends when things are tough. I actually have a social life and I actually have people who understand me and disordered eating who live in the area. I am so grateful to be able to call on them when I need to, in stark contrast to my first several years here. I'm. so. very. grateful.

In the last few weeks I've lost 6 pounds. While I am of course happy to have the scale headed in a direction I like again, there are other things that I'm even happier about. I'm happy that I've really committed whole heartedly to WW -- not because WW is in and of itself amazing, but because more importantly I've wholly recommitted myself to being accountable for my actions in the form of tracking my food. I am thrilled I have obsessive thoughts about food FAR less than I have in a long time. And, best of all, I am feeling happy and content not just about food but about life and the direction I'm headed. Fantastic, and a great change.

Now Entering VFT

The end of last week was not great. The day of the big snowstorm I went crazy with my eating (to the tune of four grilled cheese sandwiches; oops) in the morning and then got it all together for the afternoon. However, I didn't track for WW the rest of the week. I ended up losing the 1.8 lbs from the week before, but not really making any huge progress.

This week I am back firmly on plan, and I am happy to report that I am not only back to my lowest weight as an adult for the first time since before Christmas, as of this morning I am entering VFT. I forgot where I read this (it was some blog), but that stands for virgin fat territory -- uncharted ground that I haven't been at since I passed it (once) on the way up. This morning I was at 228.4. I can barely believe it. Time to keep the momentum going!

Disappointing Weigh In

This was the first week I can remember thinking "Man, this weigh in is crap!" about a weigh in in light of my performance. There have been plenty of weeks where I haven't lost or have gained, but I usually think they're justified in light of what I've eaten or how much I have exercised. This week, I don't feel like that. I tracked everything. I exercised 4 times this week (fewer than usual, but still not bad). And, I gained 1.8 lbs this week.

Although I am miffed (and confused), I press on. Not sure what is going on with my body, but this is exactly why I don't do time-based weight goals. I can only control my behavior, not the scale so I will continue to focus on what's in my control and hope that my body follows.

Perhaps this is related to the "free" fruit, which I eat liberally. Anyone know whether there are really functional limits to how many of those one should eat?

Obsession, Revisited

I wrote last year about how I felt that WW and food tracking had taken over my life for awhile, and led to an unnatural and unhealthy obsession with food, weight, tracking, measuring, the program, etc. When that happened, I went off WW -- not quitting the healthy living thing, just the tracking, etc. -- for awhile to regain a sense of balance. For about 6 months I maintained in a 10 lb. window (235 +/- 5 lbs).

This weekend I realized why I was obsessed with food and tracking during that time: I was hungry. Honestly. My body was whispering that to me, but I could not figure it out at the time. I finally figured that out this morning.

For the majority of my time on WW (maybe even all of it), I have embraced eating about 70-80% of my food and what I cook from natural, unprocessed sources (though I probably eat out too much). Since I've been on WW, I've almost always chosen the apple or orange over a 100 calorie pack, and I ate eggs for breakfast and drank milk and was vigilant about making sure I had protein at every meal even when they were proportionally more "expensive" points-wise. In retrospect, the old WW system did not really reward this kind of eating and that led to my being hungry. And that hunger led to an unhealthy obsession with food. And THAT is what I could not deal with, even though I did not realize until this very morning that the reason why was that I was hungry.

I love that fruits are "free" now on the new WW PointsPlus plan. I eat probably 4-6 servings of fruit and 2-4 servings of vegetables a day. I love that eggs and milk stayed the same number of points, while my daily points allowance increased. I love that the way that I approach food and the way that WW approaches food are now aligned. I feel so validated.

But most of all? I love that I don't feel restricted by my eating, that the program is working (lost 5.8 lbs this week while tracking everything, and eating pizza and burgers and having dinner at the Olive Garden and Panera), that I am not hungry, and that I am not obsessed with the WW program or with food choices, but that they are just a part of what I do and have assumed a supporting role, not front and center in my life. This is so huge for me. A huge step in having food not define me. A huge step toward being in control.

I am making progress. I am proud.

Retro WW Experiment

I have written before about how much I loved my grandma (who I called Mema). She too struggled with her weight, and spent much of her life on WW.

Recently I have discovered a very cool gross cool blog where a girl is living the original circa 1972 WW plan. Some Most of the stuff that she cooks and was part of the original sounds absolutely disgusting, but it is amazing to see where the plan started. I could have never stuck to that plan!!!

However, I have accepted the challenge to make one of the original WW recipes. I will do so in honor of Mema, who I loved very much and miss. I just hope that this recipe does not contain liver (a staple on the original WW). While I've read about the nutritional benefits of liver, I just can't understand how an organ made to filter waste from the body can be good for you. I'll get my protein from other sources like shrimp and cottage cheese, thanks...

Disappointing Weigh In

This week I weighed in at 229.6. The good news is that I'm down 0.4 lbs from last week. The frustrating news is that I'm not officially to the lowest weight I've been as an adult yet, even though I've seen it this week on the scale! While that in and of itself is disappointing, the reason I'm frustrated is that I tracked everything this week like a good little Weight Watcher.

To me this suggests two main things:

1. Perhaps I need to start weighing/measuring things again. Maybe the eyeballing method is not working out for me right now (my eyeballs are typically more generous than a measuring cup or scale).

2. The body will do things in its own time. I often say it, but that's because I'm largely reminding myself because as a competitive and largely high-achieving person. It is hard for me not to perform well or make goals, especially when I give it my all. That having been said: You cannot script weight loss. The body will lose weight when and how it wants to.

I can control my behaviors and choices (e.g., tracking food and exercising), but I can't control when and how my body releases the weight. And, honestly, doing the healthy behaviors is more important anyway given that this is not a sprint or race to lose the weight. This is about living a life that is healthy, enjoyable, and sustainable. As long as I'm making the lifestyle changes to support living a healthy life, who cares when I make if I make it to my goal weight in 18 months or 24? Even if the math says I could bust it out in 4 months with a very strict 1200 calorie diet, personally I don't think I could enjoy life by being the level of a food Nazi that it would take to do make it to my goal so quickly. And OMG I don't think I could ever live on just 1200 calories/day for the rest of my life. (Also, although the changes I've made and continue to make are driven primarily by health reasons and very little by aesthetics, I hear that losing weight more slowly will minimize the chances of loose skin which I think is gross and scary, so that's extra justification for my slow but steady method.)

This week already I am struggling. I have gone way over my points today and probably have blown my weekly points stash too. I don't really even know why. This week will be a challenge to balance the indulgences that traditionally come with holidays (which I have no intention of cutting out completely) with the wise choices that I know will help propel me achieve my health and fitness goals. No one said this journey was easy, and today I am feeling that for sure. This week is likely to be tough -- I can feel it already. Ugh, good thing I usually like challenges.

My Opinions on WW Points Plus

The new Weight Watchers Points Plus system launched the Monday after Thanksgiving. I decided it was a great time to give Weight Watchers another honest try. After so many false starts, I was not sure whether my latest attempt would stick.

But it has. The reason why is because the new program (in my opinion) is great.

The new program emphasizes whole foods -- particularly fruits, vegetables, and lean proteins -- in a way it hasn't before. Here are the differences I've noticed:

• The meaning of a point is re-calibrated - everyone receives a higher daily allotment of points, and a weekly cache of points too. For example, I used to get 29 points a day on the old program, but when I started Points Plus I got 38 points a day. Everyone used to get 35 extra points a week; we now get 49.
• Many of the formerly 1 pt. foods are higher in points (e.g., Bagel Thins are now 3 points whereas they used to be 1). This applies largely to foods high in carbs and/or processed foods. I hear booze is higher too, but I rarely consume it so I don't know for sure.
• Most fruits and vegetables are "free" and do not count against the daily points allowances. The only exceptions I know of are corn, potatoes, peas, and avocados.
• Foods containing protein did not go up much in points values and therefore count less against the daily amount of points you can eat. For example, eggs and a cup of milk are still 2 points apiece as they were on the old WW plan.

I believe that the modified Points Plus program addresses many of the concerns/problems I had with WW previously, but retains the parts I like the most.

Modified parts of the program that I like

• The program emphasizes (subtly) the importance of protein. The importance of protein is something I caught onto via trial and error this summer. When I have a meal that contains both carbs and protein, it keeps me fuller for longer and also curbs cravings for crap. I like that it is now easier to eat more protein because it is proportionally less expensive than it used to be.
• I love the free fruit!!! I still eat a bunch of it, probably more than I have before.
• I have openly criticized the WW foods that they used to sell. Although I do not eat 100% unprocessed foods, I would say that about 80% of what I eat is unprocessed. I like that they have gotten rid of the 1 point faux foods (e.g., 1 point ice cream with fiber added) that contain a ton of chemicals.
• Although I was never at a weight where I had a restrictively low number of points (the lowest I ever had was 29/day), it was not uncommon for me to be hungry despite eating the "right" things (the filling foods, etc). I feel that the modified plan rewards the way I had been eating, and now allows me to eat more food.
• I feel like I can live within my daily points. I could not do this before. I regularly ate 5-7 points above my target on the old plan (which was still technically ok since I usually earned 5-10 activity points/day and could use my weekly points too).

Parts of the program that stay the same that I like

• I like that I can eat anything I want. While the program encourages me to make healthier choices, I can still have cheese dip or a donut if I want to and have the points budget for it. I also like that I don't have to subscribe to a fixed meal plan. That makes me feel like I have control over what I am eating, rather than being forced to eat a meal that is scheduled. It also makes me feel like I can go out to dinner with friends without feeling guilty about it as long as I plan for it.
• I love the concept of weekly points and activity points. This makes me feel like I can splurge on treats every now and then with this plan.
• If you follow it, the program works. I have lost 5.8 lbs in the 10 days I have been on the plan. It's hard for me to argue with results if I feel like I am doing it in a way that is honoring my body. (i.e., eating healthy foods vs. some other gimmicky crash diet)

Other than the annoyance/inconvenience of learning new points values, I cannot think of much that I do not like about the new WW Points Plus system. I feel a renewed sense of excitement about tracking and being on WW that I haven't felt in a long time. I have tracked every single thing I have eaten for 10 days, and I can't even think of the last time that happened before Points Plus.

Struggling, Maintaining or What?

The last week or two have been tough for me in some ways. Tough on the eating front, yes, but just tough altogether with respect to my healthiness mindset. Please let me explain.

I wrote that last week, I had a bad week of eating. On the Saturday that I wrote the post, I wrote about how glad I was for a chance at a fresh start the next day. And I really was. And I really meant it.

What I didn't write though was that I think on some level I treated that day like it was my last day of freedom, even though I didn't realize it at the time. That Saturday afternoon/evening, I ordered pizza. There were several reasons - I didn't have anything at home I wanted to eat, it was a football Saturday and I didn't want to leave to get groceries or something from a restaurant - but when I reflect on it, I think the main reason was just that I wanted a last day of freedom. The special I usually order when I get pizza was no longer available (boo), so I ordered a new special...that had cheese bread included. Excellent healthy choice, right? Not so much. The next day - the day of my official weigh in - I was up. By a LOT! I was up to 239.8!! I have lost this weight in a few days, but why do I keep doing this to myself?! This is classic self sabotage.

This week I really wanted to pack my lunches more. It is easier to track that way, and it is also a wiser financial choice. I only did this one day. There is no logical reason for this, especially given that I made enough food to pack for the week on Sunday. I also ate out several times for dinner (although many of these times, I believe it was the only option).

I started out tracking for the week, but I stopped around Tuesday. To be honest, the headache thing really frustrated and annoyed me. When I pack my lunches they are huge -- HUGE -- in terms of the volume they occupy! They take up a ton of space in my lunchbox and nothing else will fit in there. However, I was left hungry and I refuse to deal with headaches. The answer is obviously to get a bigger lunchbox and/or find better/more filling foods to pack - but almost every single one of the foods I ate Monday was designated a WW "filling food"!

I have written before about how my drive/motivation to lose weight waxes and wanes periodically. Here is a picture of my weight since I started this quest to get healthy.

My first WW hiatus was at the end of October. I ended up gaining weight (10ish lbs.) over the holidays and first set of problems with my back/SI joint (which I mention because it really inhibited my ability to exercise). In May I also took a hiatus from WW and had more problems with my back/SI joint, and I ended up getting depressed. I gained 4 lbs. and have yet to lose those back even though I have been flirting with being on WW again since early August!!

Sometimes I feel burned out and just peace out on losing weight for awhile. Now to be clear, this doesn't mean I want to live unhealthily. I still want to exercise, I mostly want to eat healthy (although this week I have totally sucked at this), and I don't want to gain weight -- but I just don't have it all together enough to focus on losing weight. I am starting to feel like this again, which is quite different than the "I want to lose 10 lbs in the next 2 months even though I hate those time/weight goals!" I felt just last week.

What is this? Is it resignation? Frustration in disguise? The first sign of slipping? I feel comfortable at this weight? I am not sure, but I feel like I need to figure this out.

I don't believe 235 is a healthy weight for me. I am still ~47% body fat which is way too high. However, I just don't know if I have what it takes right now, mentally, to lose weight. I cannot gain it back though. That just is not a good option at all.

Does anyone have any insights or related personal experience to share? I would appreciate it. It will help me as I process through this. Maintenance might be enough for now, but I am determined to reach a healthy weight -- even if it takes 5 years -- eventually. I don't think staying 235 forever will work for me.

Living Beyond my Means

You know how you see people who are living life on their credit cards or living a lifestyle they clearly can't afford? I feel like that. With food.

Here is a screenshot of my Weight Watchers tracker from a few weeks ago. It is tough to see the details, but if you click on the picture it will enlarge. The main point is this: I am allotted 29 points daily (I know it is a lot, especially for you lighter people living on 20 points per day; I have no idea how you do it!). If you look at my points consumption, it is 35+ points everyday, with three days 46+!! (Note, I didn't track my dinner on Saturday, but I think it was literally about 25 points although this was 10 days ago and I don't remember the details -- but I do remember that I ended up close to negative if not negative for the week). And for those keeping score, that week I lost 3.8 lbs.

The goal of that week was simply to track. I was not that worried about whether I went over on points, although I did find the responsibility/accountability of tracking did often cause me to make better choices than I would have had I not been tracking.

This week I decided that I wanted to track and I wanted to do a better job staying within my allocated 29 points. I find that I really can't. As I mentioned yesterday I watned to do a better job packing lunches. Today I packed my lunch and it was good. After lunch, I had just eaten 15.5 points.

It is also worth mentioning that I had carrots in the morning (0 points) and had a large peach in the afternoon (1 point). For some reason, I had a headache all afternoon. It was excruciating and finally by 4:30 I had to leave work because it was so bad. In fact, my headache was so bad that I didn't even exercise tonight (which I rarely skip), instead choosing to come home and take a nap. When I woke up 1.25 hours later I still had a headache and it was even a little worse.

I had 1.5 bananas when I woke up and was surprised to find that almost instantly my headache got better. Wow.

I think that the points are miscalibrated for my body. I know many of the ways that my body manifests its hunger. This one was a surprise to me -- yes, I get headaches if I get too hungry, but I ate a lot of food and I also had a peach after my headache started so I thought hunger could not be the reason for the headache. But I guess it was, even though I didn't feel hungry (no growling stomach, etc).

I am still learning about my food and my reaction to hunger. I need to find the place that adequately balance getting the fuel my body needs, but not eating so much that I don't lose weight and get to a more healthy weight for my size.

For the non-WW people, one of the features of WW is that they have 35 points that you can use throughout the week. The idea is that you can use them to splurge -- a big meal out or something. However I basically treat those WW weekly 35 points not as a reserve for treats, but as a part of my regular food "budget", and it is not uncommon for me to be out of those points 2 or 3 days into the week. Another feature of WW is that you earn points as you engage in exercise. I also go through most if not all of my activity points -- I typically earn between 40 and 65 per week. I am not sure how reasonable it is to go through all these points. However, I find that these extra points are what make WW doable for me in the long term. It is amazing to me how I can actually eat foods that I enjoy and not feel too inhibited or like WW is cramping my style if I exercise and just make wiser choices.

I am still trying to figure out how many points I should eat. I honestly do not believe 29 daily points is enough for me. I am 31, very active, and 5'8". Does anyone have any insight as to how many points I should eat? I don't want to feel like I'm overdrawing my points account everyday by going severely over my points, but at the same time time I don't want to eat not enough food and get headaches.

Still here, and alive

I am making it folks. Not much to say, so let me do a quick bulleted list.

• I tried Zumba for the first time since my back injury. While it did not hurt my back, my muscles were achy and tight. My knees also hurt. I am needing more sleep (8 hrs. vs. 7). It is how I imagine it must feel to be old.
• I have been taking a class called Body Flow at my gym fairly frequently. It is a mixture of yoga, pilates, and tai chi. I have tried to like yoga on literally 5+ attempts before -- different teachers, different approaches, etc. and I have always hated it. However, I now love it for some reason even though I am not good at it. All of the stretching has been helping my back, which is why I signed up for it in the first place. It is also helping my mental well-being which is fantastic.
• I mentioned how I've been back and forth on WW lately -- signing up, but then not tracking or caring and just trying to get stuff in my mental space fixed and unclogged. While the headgames continue to be an issue, I have tracked everything this week and felt good about it. I'm still eating what I want (i.e., Monday I had 41.5 points and yesterday I had 46.5 points whereas my points allotment is 29), but it somehow is helping to write things down. Also, I have have had a ton of exercise points to cover most of my eating.
• The antidepressants are helping a lot. I still have times when I randomly burst into tears for no reasons, but thankfully they are further apart and only one time has it been in public (yoga class - embarrassing). The counseling is helping a lot too. I need to stop being so hard on myself, but 31 years of doing this constantly means it is hard to change.
• The scale is starting to dip downward. For several weeks I was not trying on the weight loss front and just trying to eat in a balanced way (i.e., eat a lot of fruits and vegetables, make sure to get protein at every meal, etc.). I stayed between 235-237, which was ok for me. This morning I was 234 point something for the first time in several weeks. It feels great to feel capable of handling most of life AND making progress at losing weight for the first time in such a long time (maybe about May or June).
• Several people commented that I had lost weight over the summer. Although this is not really true, I guess I must have toned up a bit. I just smiled and said thanks. I'm getting better at accepting compliments and not going into the "yeah, but..." crap.
• I booked the trip with my friends to Disney World. I am really excited to head there in mid-November. I will be so delighted to go there and not feel ashamed to see pictures of myself when they take them so that they can sell them to you (e.g. at Splash Mountain).

I guess I had more to say than I thought! It's not organized, but I just wanted to let you know I am alive and I am making strides toward living a healthier life. I am realizing that health is so multifaceted -- mental, food-consumption, and exercise are all areas in which I am focusing. Sometimes, I can only work on one or two of these at a time, but not all three. And I am actually really ok with it and am not willing to beat myself up over not being amazing at all three all the time. But for now I am handling 2.5/3 and I feel fabulous about that!

Disappointment - aka an emotional vomit

Can I just say starting from about 7 PM last night, I want a do over? Because I do. Especially from today, around 9 AM.

First of all, Sunday is my new weigh-in day for WW. This was my first week back on the program an this morning I was down to 235.2, which is a 3.8 lb loss from last week. On the one hand, this is fabulous! GREAT news. On the other hand, I can't help but be a bit disappointed because yesterday I was down to 233 (2 lbs lower than what I weighed in today). I realize that it is completely illogical to be disappointed because this extra couple pounds is water weight, and also because losing 4 lbs in a week is fantastic! It all comes back to this root problem of being extra hard on myself which I always have been and, apparently, continue to be. I guess I will be in counseling forever.

This morning I went to church. It is my second time giving this church a go. I thought it was fine. I promised my counselor I would give it another go (the important thing not being going to this particular church or even going to church at all, but more just facing the fear of going). I did it. I even thought it was ok. After church, a couple people (Tara and Josh) I sat next to were friendly and chatty. I really appreciated that. I might even go so far as to say that I needed that -- as the new-to-this-church pastor gave his sermon, he said over and over things about how people 'out there' were lonely and feeling the need to belong to a family, and how important it was to be friendly, welcoming, and inviting. This could not have resonated with me more. I tried to hold back my tears (and did so mostly with success, but some did leak out from time to time), and was so genuinely appreciative that at least two of the people who attended the church listened to and acted upon the pastor's admonition to be friendly and make people feel welcome. I really, truly needed that. I left thinking, "You know, I kind of hate about 80% of church, and I absolutely understand why non-Christians think 90% of Christians are crazy...yet there are some underlying truths here that just keep drawing me back like a moth to a light even though I am terrified of putting myself out there and getting hurt again." (forgive the run-on sentence)

After church I came home and chatted with a friend online about a crazy conversation I had with a friend from grad school last night (hence wanting the d0-over to start at 7 PM last night). Fortunately, the friend reassured me that I am not in fact crazy, and that my point of view is logical and not just emotional or ill-reasoned. I felt validated.

I had an unshakeable craving for deep-dish Chicago pizza this afternoon. I decided to go get some. Now this is not at all WW points friendly. Especially if you get it with sausage. I decided I was going to do it anyway. I ended up eating half of a 12" pizza. I could have done more, but decided that not only did I not need to, but that I would regret it if I did. I wanted to take the other half home, but I ended up leaving it at pizza parlor because I cannot see a good way to enjoy this in moderation, save it for later (later being 1-2 months when I treat myself to this again, not tomorrow for lunch), or fit it into my current eating plan. Some googling online indicates that a slice of Chicago style pizza has about 500-600 calories. I ate four pieces; nice work, champ. The truth is I could have finished that thing though, so I do deserve some credit for not doing that.

I decided to go to the gym afterwards. I had not been since Thursday (though I did go biking and do an abs video yesterday), so I wanted to do some cardio and weight lifting today. After 18 minutes on the elliptical I said "You know what? This just is not going to happen today." I felt this unmistakeable despair and just these doldrums of life. Almost like I couldn't go on.

On the way home I was reflecting. Why did I feel so down? Why did "this" -- the overdoing the pizza, the quitting at the gym -- happen? I began to piece things together.

I think it is because I am afraid. I am really afraid of getting involved in a church. I am afraid of putting myself out there to once again either feel like I need to change who I fundamentally am to belong, or to feel like there is no place for me. It's as though I'd rather be lonely or sit on the sidelines than to try once again to get involved and have my feelings smashed.

I have felt over and over again disappointment with churches and with Christians. Why do I still go to church (very intermittently, and with incredible fear)? Why are people who are supposed to care and exhibit the love of Christ so very often vapid and superficial and one-dimensional? Especially when they so often categorically reject my brother, who is one of the people I hold nearest to my heart for something I feel he has no control over (being gay)? And if I am over it, why do I care one way or the other, or even try to go at all? I have no idea. And why are people who are supposed to be friendly and welcoming so often cliquey, judgmental and just, frankly, so often boring? And so, on the way home, I bought a pint of ice cream (which honestly did not even taste that good) and the jar of Nutella I've been pining over for a month.

In 30 years of living and 25 years of church going, I would have considered myself a part of a reasonably well-functioning, healthy church experience once for about 2-3 years in grad school. Every time else I have either felt miserably uncomfortable, completely used, or have had my trust grossly violated. Predictably, I am not so excited about getting involved again. Especially with about a 10% success rate. Instead of feeling all this stuff -- this fear, this anxiety, this mistrust -- and dealing with it, I decided just to stuff it down and quiet it with food. Predictably, it tasted great but left me completely unfulfilled.

Now I am disappointed with myself. The only reason I joined Weight Watchers again (well besides the obvious that I wanted to lose weight, and that I know it will work) is that I thought I was mentally in a place where I was stable enough to get over these speed-bumps of life. Tonight I question that.

The general truism that "Losing weight is simple - you have to move more and eat less/better" is true, but it is far too simplified. I have to deal with whatever is going on in my head to have any hope of being able to make it through life without food as a crutch, or friend, or support. And that is where I am. And it really ain't pretty right now.

Thanks and update

Thank you for the feedback on the last post. I swear it was not a cry for attention or a manipulation to get you all to tell me nice things; nonetheless, I appreciate your kind words!! And Maile's comment meant so very much to me. I need to e-mail and tell her that. I just bought her book from Amazon, it arrived today, and I really can't wait to read it.

Anyway I want to let you know that life here is changing in some very unexpected ways. Sunday was a very hard day for me -- I went to the movies just to get out of the house, and I found myself crying more than I'd like to. If I had to describe it in a few words, the feeling would be "crushing loneliness." I made some important and big decisions as a result. Although the path forward is not clear, I at least am trudging forward on it and am certain that one way or another, things will change. (Sorry for the vagueness - one of the times I wish I either had more anonymity, or that certain people who I know read this blog didn't)

Some of this change is coming in a very timely and unexpected ways, and is teaching me about myself. Tuesday I was at water aerobics. I found myself talking with Gina, someone who has gone to water aerobics forever but who I don't see and talk to much since I started to work out mostly in other ways. At the end of the class, we were stretching and I was asking her about her favorite fruit and veggie stand because I had a huge craving for BLTs and I just couldn't shake it. To have a really good BLT, however, I think the T part is huge -- an anemic tomato from Walmart just won't cut it (plus, I love tomatoes in general it's not unheard of for me to go through about 3 lbs of cherry tomatoes a week). Next to Gina a stranger said "This is weird, but I have some tomatoes in my car that a coworker gave me. Do you want one?"

After the usual "Are you sure?"'s that ensued, I was delighted to take her up on her offer. On the way to the car, we were making small talk. When she learned how long I had been here and what I did, she asked me how I was liking things in Arkansas. Instead of just emphasizing the positives (as I usually do, especially with strangers I don't know too well or at all), I was honest with her. I told her how I really liked the area (which is the absolute truth, even though it has been averaging about 100 this week with heat indices reaching as high as 115), but how I had had a tough time finding a group of friends. She was not only sympathetic, but had solid suggestions on how to meet people, invited me to lunch the next day, and introduced me to someone who -- among other things -- is part of a very cool-sounding book club! WOW! In addition, I ran into someone at work who I hadn't seen for awhile who I like but had not really hung out with much outside of work. Instead of flashing my smile and telling her things were going fine, I was honest with her and told her a bit about how much my summer has sucked. She said she would invite me to one of her potlucks that she and her friends regularly have. WOW!

I am always afraid of coming across needy or broken. As a result, I try to put on a strong face and hold my head high in public, even when times are tough. Apparently, this can be pretty convincing. While I hate whiny sad sacks and hope never to become a huge needy mess, I think I need to be a bit more vulnerable and hold a little less inside. This honesty thing and letting people know when you are broken and need help may have some merit. The two solid connections I made this week to meeting more people and perhaps finding some friends here is evidence. I feel more hope on this front than I have had here in a long time -- maybe ever.

Lately much of this blog has taken a decidedly non-WL turn. Although many of the issues I am dealing with are not related directly to WL, they are all paradoxically so very related to it. Food has been my friend in the past. Food has helped to numb loneliness and pain. Binging and gorging yourself is so much easier than actually facing up to the feelings and stress and anxiety. I think it is no coincidence that my gaining the 60 lbs. I lost the first time back coincided with losing my grandma, traveling manically around the country trying to find a job, finishing my dissertation, moving somewhere where I knew no one, and ... continuing to know not that many people and having no really close friends in a new place.

Facing the pain, dealing with it, and finding ways to overcome it and let myself heal is where I am right now. I absolutely need to overcome this and not let this derail my decisions to become (and remain) a healthier me.

I decided to rejoin WW. I have such convoluted feelings for WW. On the one hand there are the positives: most notably, that if you follow the plan it absolutely works and you will lose weight. It helped me learn portion control. It helps me to be accountable for my decisions. It lets me plan for and enjoy occasional treats. Lots and lots of pros. The negatives are largely a function of my own neuroses (becoming obsessive, thinking about it all the time), but I am willing to give WW another shot to push on to becoming healthier. If I become too obsessed, I will stop.

That's life in Casa de Sarah. Long update. Lots of hard work going on here -- most of it mental and emotional -- but I am really determined to overcome my addiction to food and my depression, and to live a fulfilling life in every sense of the word.

Mindful Eating

Today marks a significant turning point in my get healthy journey. Actually, the switch happened a while back -- somewhat gradually -- but today I am going to go public with my intentions, and to officially mark the beginning of my mindful eating journey, and the end of -- at least for now -- my Weight Watchers journey.

I have written before how, if I'm not careful, I can get bogged down in the data and analysis portion of losing weight -- counting points, tallying activity, analyzing the nutritional content of food, etc. None of that in and of itself is bad, but when I obsess over that, it is simply replacing my obsession with food with an obsession with analysis. I don't want to be obsessed with any of this, really. I want it to hum along in the background of my life -- usually eating healthy stuff, but allowing myself the occasional treat and the occasional lazy day by the pool.

I have also written how I realize that this is my life, and there are times when I'm just not willing to stick to the uber-straight-and-narrow approach to weight loss. In particular, I have never ever been willing to go hungry simply because I am out of points -- even if the options are less than ideal.

I also wrote about how I started (but still have not finished) Geneen Roth's Breaking Free from Emotional Eating book, and how the main message of the book is to trust yourself: your hunger signal, and your ability to stop when you're satisfied. In the meantime, I started her workbook called Why Weight? which explores the reasons you're fat, the reasons you overeat, and helps you identify issues holding you back. I employed these techniques with success, and was able to lose weight even on vacation, and all without counting a single point.

This week, there has been much chatter in the WL corner of the blogosphere about a podcast hosted by Two Fit Chicks and a Microphone, all about this very issue. Turns out that that this "thing" -- this philosophy of listening to and trusting your body -- that I have been learning from books and by trial and error has a name. The name is mindful eating, and I'm giving it an official go.

Carla and Shauna, the hosts of the podcast, explain the concepts that underlie mindful eating (also sometimes referred to as intuitive eating). Much of what they had to say really resonated with me. Here are the two things that resonated the most with me.

1. Everyone's path is highly individual. There are no one size fits all rules. The theme of listening to your body and your spirit applies not only to listening to and trusting your hunger signal, but also your ability to decide which rules should -- and shouldn't -- apply to you. For example, Carla said that "they" say you should not do anything while you eat -- no TV, no reading, no internet. You should instead focus on your food and enjoying it. She explained why that rule doesn't work for her. That really resonated with me -- not only her "defiance" of this rule, but also the fact that there can be logical reasons to override conventional wisdom sometimes, and the fact that "they" don't know more about you than you do. The rules and principles espoused by others are in many cases good to follow, but if you give them a try and find they don't work for you, discard them, don't stress about it, find something that works for you, and move on. No guilt necessary.
2. The hosts said that for them (again, noting that everyone's path is different), it is not sustainable to count calories, points, fat grams, carbs, or anything else forever. They want to be able to enjoy their food guilt free and without thinking too deeply about things. For them, the key has been to listen to when your body is really hungry. Not when you want to eat because you're bored. Not when you want to eat because you're sad. But when you want to eat because there is actual, physical hunger.

There are a number of tools the hosts suggested when starting mindful eating. They suggested a food log when you start a program like mindful eating. Their idea of a food log and what I've grown accustomed to in WW are significantly different. In WW, I would simply track what I ate, and the associated points value with the food. These points values were not to exceed my daily and/or weekly points budget.

A food log for mindful eating records what you eat, but the amount or the number of calories or points in the food is not the important part and actually needn't be recorded at all. In addition to recoding what you consume, you also record your hunger before and after the meal, as well as how you feel during and after the meal. I have found the hunger scale available here (and seriously -- is there anything that MIT doesn't just rock at?!) to be helpful in charting how hungry I was at the beginning and conclusion of the meal.

I have learned/confirmed some things I don't want to accept, but must as a result of just two days of tracking my response to food. First, sugar makes me sluggish and tired. In just a few minutes after eating sugar, I get tired which is highly unusual for me after eating most other foods. Sadly, this happened to me today with a bag of Cheez Its too. Man the thought of giving those up makes me sad! But, on the other hand, it concerns me how I have been oblivious to this for nearly 30 years of my life! Am I really that oblivious to how the food I put in my body affects its performance? I think the answer is yes. And mindful eating will help me change all that.

Today has been a struggle food-wise. I am not proud to admit this, but for lunch I made some hamburgers. I bought 1 lb. of meat, enough for four good-sized burgers. I. COULDN'T. STOP. EATING. THEM. I ate all four. I felt so ashamed and dirty. Surprisingly, though, I didn't feel but a little tired after eating them (probably because the meat was lean, but still -- I should have been satisfied after the first burger, and the 2 ears of corn I ate with it).

Sometimes I feel like my relationship with food will never be mended, but then I am quick to correct myself. I believe that I can learn to trust myself and heal my broken relationship with food. It won't be quick or easy, but a) losing the 65+ lbs I've lost so far hasn't been easy either and b) things that come too quickly/easily are rarely appreciated and the results don't always stick. I will conquer this too and I will use mindful eating for this leg of the journey to help me do so.

Living the WW life in the real world

This week has been great for me and tough for me simultaneously. As I posted here, I decided to take a hiatus from WW meetings and to go it alone online for awhile. This meant that I really needed to start tracking. So I did. Well, let me correct that -- I tried.

The second half of the week, we had a conference for work where folks from universities around the countries came to our school. It was good, but I want to write about the food and exercise aspects of things as it is the part that is relevant to this blog.

First, I made the commitment to ride my bike both days. It was bike to work week this week, and weather and hip/SI joint problems derailed me during the first half of the week so I was **determined** to get at least one day on the bike. This was tough since the rains we had made portions of the trails I ride to work really muddy (this is a problem when you need to dress up and don't want to end up muddy, or carry another pair of clothes in a backpack because they'll be bulky and get wrinkled). I sucked it up, wore a different pair of shoes to ride in than to work in, and rolled up my pant legs so they wouldn't be muddy. This worked fairly well. Although the biking did mess up my schedule a bit, it was overall worth it.

Now to the main point of the post: food challenges and social stigma associated with food. For this (and many) conferences/workshops/meetings I attend, lunches and dinners are provided. Since one of the main points/benefits of these workshops is networking, it's not really a good option to skip the dinner in favor of a healthy dinner on your own. Although it would have worked in this case, packing is rarely an option since these meetings usually are not in my backyard (instead in other cities). Furthermore, I do not want to draw attention to myself by having different food, or insisting on healthier options, or going ahead of time to get some sort of a different meal option. Maybe that is justified, maybe I've magnified how this would draw attention to myself in my own head but -- in either case -- it's just not something I'm willing to do for now.

Lunch the first day was catered by a local Italian restaurant. The options were salad, lasagna, two types of pasta both with alfredo or a cream based sauce, and cheesecake. Oh, bread too. What's a weight watcher to do? I loaded up my plate with a ton of salad (probably 3/4 of a plate), but there is no way that would keep me full until dinner time. I also had a piece of lasagna and a piece of wheat bread. I had packed 2 apples in case I got hungry, and I ended up eating one for dessert. I also had one later that afternoon.

Around 4:30, I was so hungry. Typically, conferences/meetings like this have several breaks to use the restroom, network, check email and make calls. Usually snacks and beverages are provided. Not the case for this meeting. I ate my second apple. 30 minutes later I was still so hungry, but out of food and there was nothing around except leftover cheesecake from lunch. I hemmed and hawed over what to do, especially since my lunch was much different/more points heavy from a lunch I'd usually eat when I'm counting points for WW. Eventually I decided that the hungriness won, and I had half a piece of cheesecake. It was good, but I wasn't really in the mood for it and it felt like a wasted splurge.

I had to ride home between the meetings and the evening reception (didn't want to bike home after the reception because it would have been so dark), and I had some fruit so I would not be as hungry at the evening reception. Again, the choices were not great. I had some but really tried to tune into my body's hunger signals. I think it worked ok.

The next day, I skipped the breakfast at the conference in favor of cooking for myself (except I did snag one piece of bacon, and boy was it good!). I felt ok about this. Lunch was a build your own sandwich buffet, chips, and some fruit. I had one piece of wheat bread, loaded it up with meat (trying to pick the pieces without fat on them) and vegetables and added one piece of cheese. I did have some chips, and I tried to have a bunch of fruit. I would have given this meal a C+ for healthiness instead of the D- for the previous day's meal.

So...bla bla bla... about the food. What did I learn from this? A whole bunch of things. Things I have been thinking about since they happened.

1. There are some sacrifices I will not make for weight loss. I am a person who, if I don't eat enough, will get debilitating headaches. They are not fun for me, they are not fun for those around me because I morph into a huge bitch when I get them. They're not fun period. I refuse to eat only salad to stay in my points range if it is going to adversely affect how I feel. Lesson learned: I will eat if I am hungry, even if cheesecake is the only thing available. This is a self preservation behavior, and it is a waste of guilt to feel guilty about this.
2. Eating is so social. I am not to the place yet where I will go too far out of the mainstream for the purposes of saving points or losing weight. I have no problem asking for dressings on the side or vegetables to be cooked without oil or butter at restaurants. That having been said, I am not willing to pack my lunch when everyone else is eating one thing or from a buffet unless I know them well and/or feel comfortable around them and/or will never see them again. I won't do this at professional conferences where I know I will see these folks again. I want to be "Sarah the researcher who does ____" rather than "Sarah the food fanatic who is obsessive about packing lunches and eating only stuff cooked without butter" to these people.
3. That having been said, there are things I can do to make these days successful. If I look at everything that is available on a buffet first and then choose, I can devise a strategy and make wiser choices. If I pack apples, I can eat them before receptions to take the edge off (and those are things I can pack in my suitcase easily -- don't need access to a grocery store in an unknown city or anything!)
4. At receptions and luncheons, I should focus on the real reason I am there: networking opportunities. In the past, such events have been equally about food and networking to me. This shouldn't be how I approach these situations. The food is fuel for my body and to give me energy to network and get around, but it is really just a part of the supporting cast. The main reason I am at events like this is to network, and so this should consume my focus.

So how did I do? I give myself a B+ or an A-. I don't feel like I earned this grade because I ate only healthy things -- in fact, as you can see I really didn't at all. I gave myself this grade because I am starting to reach the place where I feel comfortable that my food, eating and exercising life will not and probably even should not be 100% perfect. I am developing strategies that will help me reach the balancing place between feeling normal and not drawing attention to myself because of what I am or am not eating, and sticking up for myself enough to get choices that I feel are healthy and balanced.

One of the things that was frustrating about this conference/workshop was not feeling like I could pull up my laptop or phone and track things right away. I also didn't feel comfortable checking the points values of all the foods I didn't know in public, so I just guessed what was the healthiest choice, wrote it down on a piece of paper, and tracked it later. It was frustrating not knowing how much a portion was and having to guess. Was a piece of the lasagna at the conference the same size as the peices WW considers? I had no idea, but just assumed it was.

So...that is a reflection on my last few days, and my first days back on plan in a ***LONG*** time. Guess what? I'm down to 237.3 as of this morning. This is only about 8 lbs away from the lowest weight of my adult life, and it marks the lowest I've been on this journey. This has happened during a week when I have been injured and unable to exercise like I'd like. This has happened during a week where eating right was more of a challenge than it usually is. This is a testament to what being mindful of your food choices and what you put in your mouth really matters. And this is proof to me that watching what you eat and doing your best even when it is not easy can actually work. This is something that I don't always believe, so it is wonderful to get this confirmation.

Another Vlog!

Here is the post from Jen, the Prior Fat Girl that I was talking about in the vlog.

Here is a graphic depicting my weight loss, starting last April that I talked about in the vlog. (It's hard to see unless you enlarge it, but I started a breath away from 300 and am now around 242.)

And, no, I was not exaggerating. The weather here really has sucked lately. Here is the map from when I was considering biking to work around lunch (I worked from home this morning). Needless to say, I drove.

WW Meeting - Levels of Change

Thought I would try something new and post a video blog. Faster and easier than writing a post.

Here is the graphic about the levels of change that we talked about at the WW meeting this week. Tough stuff.