Friday, September 17, 2010

Struggling, Maintaining or What?

The last week or two have been tough for me in some ways. Tough on the eating front, yes, but just tough altogether with respect to my healthiness mindset. Please let me explain.

I wrote that last week, I had a bad week of eating. On the Saturday that I wrote the post, I wrote about how glad I was for a chance at a fresh start the next day. And I really was. And I really meant it.

What I didn't write though was that I think on some level I treated that day like it was my last day of freedom, even though I didn't realize it at the time. That Saturday afternoon/evening, I ordered pizza. There were several reasons - I didn't have anything at home I wanted to eat, it was a football Saturday and I didn't want to leave to get groceries or something from a restaurant - but when I reflect on it, I think the main reason was just that I wanted a last day of freedom. The special I usually order when I get pizza was no longer available (boo), so I ordered a new special...that had cheese bread included. Excellent healthy choice, right? Not so much. The next day - the day of my official weigh in - I was up. By a LOT! I was up to 239.8!! I have lost this weight in a few days, but why do I keep doing this to myself?! This is classic self sabotage.

This week I really wanted to pack my lunches more. It is easier to track that way, and it is also a wiser financial choice. I only did this one day. There is no logical reason for this, especially given that I made enough food to pack for the week on Sunday. I also ate out several times for dinner (although many of these times, I believe it was the only option).

I started out tracking for the week, but I stopped around Tuesday. To be honest, the headache thing really frustrated and annoyed me. When I pack my lunches they are huge -- HUGE -- in terms of the volume they occupy! They take up a ton of space in my lunchbox and nothing else will fit in there. However, I was left hungry and I refuse to deal with headaches. The answer is obviously to get a bigger lunchbox and/or find better/more filling foods to pack - but almost every single one of the foods I ate Monday was designated a WW "filling food"!

I have written before about how my drive/motivation to lose weight waxes and wanes periodically. Here is a picture of my weight since I started this quest to get healthy.

My first WW hiatus was at the end of October. I ended up gaining weight (10ish lbs.) over the holidays and first set of problems with my back/SI joint (which I mention because it really inhibited my ability to exercise). In May I also took a hiatus from WW and had more problems with my back/SI joint, and I ended up getting depressed. I gained 4 lbs. and have yet to lose those back even though I have been flirting with being on WW again since early August!!

Sometimes I feel burned out and just peace out on losing weight for awhile. Now to be clear, this doesn't mean I want to live unhealthily. I still want to exercise, I mostly want to eat healthy (although this week I have totally sucked at this), and I don't want to gain weight -- but I just don't have it all together enough to focus on losing weight. I am starting to feel like this again, which is quite different than the "I want to lose 10 lbs in the next 2 months even though I hate those time/weight goals!" I felt just last week.

What is this? Is it resignation? Frustration in disguise? The first sign of slipping? I feel comfortable at this weight? I am not sure, but I feel like I need to figure this out.

I don't believe 235 is a healthy weight for me. I am still ~47% body fat which is way too high. However, I just don't know if I have what it takes right now, mentally, to lose weight. I cannot gain it back though. That just is not a good option at all.

Does anyone have any insights or related personal experience to share? I would appreciate it. It will help me as I process through this. Maintenance might be enough for now, but I am determined to reach a healthy weight -- even if it takes 5 years -- eventually. I don't think staying 235 forever will work for me.


  1. "I want to lose 10 lbs in the next 2 months even though I hate those time/weight goals!"

    when I read that Sarah - it made me realize how I do the same thing, and it's almost like an excuse - or an opportunity (although not in a positive way) to procrastinate and bypass the healthy weightloss *work* because I still have time to meet that goal. But it doesn't happen and doesn't work too well that way. Least not for me. I think themindset(and I think you know this too) is just to keep makign healthy choices and choosing healthy behaviors and make it the life style. And if you can't at least maintain then you need to tweak it until you are. I know loosing weight take alot of energy and focus. And right now - I just don't have it. And Ithink I'm lying to myself when I set these goals or timelines. I think I do it because it sounds great. Wow - 10 lbs in 2 months - sounds great! but I don't have the energy to make it happen.
    Sorry - I should have just blogged about all this!!! I think at minimum though - find a way to maintain until you are ready to step it up. I need to do this too. The scale is creeping up on me!

  2. There is nothing wrong with backing off to maintenance for a while, but you do lost momentum when you do that. Again, there is nothing wrong with that. Just find a way to remind yourself frequently that you need to get back on track again after this break. The one thing you cannot do though is let yourself go without sticking to a maintenace program. That will lead to disaster. Keep your finger on the pulse of this all the time.

  3. Hi Sarah, just found your blog and I appreciate your post. Why we all go through these feelings...I'd be a millionaire if I could figure it, a zillionaire, but one thing I don't want to see is you going backwards. You've done such a good job so far. 65.2 pounds - fantastic. The thing that scares me about your post is the "treating that day like it was my last day of freedom." How many times have I and others done that? I believe it is one of the keys to permanent weight loss...if we eat something "off" or program that doesn't mean we have to go crazy! Hmmm, I need to figure that one out. I wish I could help...just hang in there...please!


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