Proud

Today I am reveling in being proud of myself.

• I am so much healthier than I was when I started this journey for the second (and I truly hope final) time.
• I have lost about 65 lbs.
• I have learned a lot about myself, how strong I can be, where I have areas of vulnerability, and places where there is room for improvement.
• I am proud that -- even though it was a very hard and very humbling step -- I recognized that it was ok to go on antidepressants and have followed through on taking them. It has completely changed my outlook on life, and for me was absolutely the right step to take, in conjunction with cognitive behavioral therapy.
• I have shown I can change.
• I have learned so much about my body. I can now recognize when muscles are tight and stretch them before they turn into debilitating back aches.
• I am capable of so much physically now than I ever thought possible. An hour of Zumba is now one of my favorite things; I used to leave 15 minutes into class because it killed my feet and I thought I was going to die. I now can easily lift weights, and am still working on progress toward the gun show. I now enjoy yoga and am starting to believe that I might eventually flexible enough to twist myself into some of the more pretzel-y positions they do at yoga (and, BTW I can touch my toes easily and have been able to for quite some time).
• I have such a broader picture of health now. Where I started off thinking health was about weighing less, I have evolved my thinking about this and learned it is about fueling my body with foods that are good for it, exercising and pushing myself, paying good attention to my mental health and my most recent revelation that I must consider and improve my spiritual health. I am beginning to recognize the interconnection between these aspects of health -- physical, mental, and spiritual.
• Today my blood pressure was 114/72. One of the things in the path to scaring me straight was a visit to the doctor in about February 2009 where my blood pressure was about 150/110.
• Yesterday I biked 31 miles at once. It was my longest bike ride, and it was on a cruiser. I made it further up one of the main hills on my ride than I had ever done before (usually I walk it up my bike).
• Today I went to Sam's to get produce. It is Sunday, so the sample pushers were out in full force. I had one sample: ham and cheese rolled up together. I wasn't really interested in anything else (even though I thought several things would taste good, I thought to myself "Nah, it's not worth it" and subsequently thought "OMG, could by attitude toward food really be changing that much?!?!" and almost cried tears of happiness and pride right there in Sam's Club - and I am not exaggerating).
• I am proud that I am capable of recognizing my accomplishments. One of the main themes that has emerged from my counseling is that I am so incredibly hard on myself, quick to dismiss successes, and this can lead to me getting angry at myself and eventually depressed. I am starting to recognize and celebrate these successes more easily. I am optimistic that I will in time be able to do this in other areas of my life as well.

This morning I was up 1.4 lbs (or something like that) over last week. I have to admit, it was surprising and kind of disappointing because I once again tracked everything and this week I was even within my points (albeit barely). Instead of letting it get me down, I identified things that I know will help me next week (packing lunches and eating out less, for example). I know that I am doing the right things and things that are healthy for me. Those are the things I can control, and eventually the number will follow. And that, too, is something I am proud of myself for recognizing.