Peanut Butter

When I went to Yosemite last month, I had PBJ for the first time in probably a couple years. It was SO GOOD! I loved it and didn't even realize what I'd been missing for so long. And I wanted to have some to make at my house!

I rarely have bread at my house -- it's not that I don't like it, it's just not something I can usually go through fast enough so it usually molds so I don't have it often. When I DO have it though, I make sure it is the good stuff either from a good bakery or something I've made myself.

About three weeks ago, I had bread that I had gotten to make grilled cheese (another favorite, which I am sure is no surprise). I decided I wanted to have PBJ sandwiches too, but I really did think long and hard before deciding to do that. Why?

PB has been a longstanding binge food for me -- one of those things that, in the past, I'd dig into with a spoon, a glass of milk, and more often than not a heavy heart. In the past it's typically been eaten by the jar, not the tablespoonful. So I wondered -- should I get the PB for PBJ? My typical workarounds for foods like this are either to get single serving containers (e.g., Doritos), eat the food at a restaurant (e.g., ice cream) so I only have a single size, or to avoid the food altogether. I could not figure out a way to easily do any of these things, so I decided a) that I really did want the PBJ; it was worth the risk and that b) if it became a problem, I would wash it down the sink (throwing it away isn't always enough -- I've been known to trash dig in the past).

I am pleased to report that my PB is still around. It's been about three weeks and I've enjoyed lots of PBJ delicacies including the straight up sandwich and the PBJ pizza. I think I will try it with oatmeal next week.

The best part? The peanut butter isn't even a temptation. I've been totally enjoying it but not obsessing over it or thinking about the next chance I'd have to eat it.

I am so glad that OA and God are helping me to overcome my food compulsions. I could not even have imagined having PB in my house a year ago and, if it had been there, I am sure I would have been absolutely on edge white-knuckling it through the temptation until I probably would have given in and eaten it all. Now I feel nothing toward that PB. I am so incredibly grateful (but I'm not ready to try to have Nutella in my house just yet).

One Step at a Time

Photo credit: J@m's flicker page

Today I am not sure what was wrong with me, but I just felt all over the place at work. I got stuff done, yes, but I felt like I was not firing on all cylinders. That's a problem because now is a time I definitely need to be harnessing every ounce of productivity I have, and more. I was kind of frustrated, honestly.

Do you know what I did? I went to go swim. Then I went for dinner (pizza, which I had points to eat -- and I ordered an 8" mini pizza). I was not really feeling like I could work just yet again so I went for a "quick" bike ride -- 11 miles. It was so cathartic.

I was thinking to myself, who ever thought this was possible? Who thought I would deal with stress by exercising?! And who ever thought I would order a pizza smaller than a small?! AND BE COMPLETELY SATISFIED?!?!?!

I remember one time when I was sick (probably about 3 years ago) I circled the Walmart parking lot for literally 10 minutes looking for a spot right next to the door because I did not want to walk any further than I had to. Now parking far away is no big deal.

I remember when I used to walk up the hill where I work wheezing and out of breath. Now I do that, then take the stairs to my office, and I'm not even breathing hard.

I remember when not having soda or dessert every day was unthinkable; now it's not really a big deal (although I do admit, I still love soda).

I was trying to figure out, "When did this happen? When did I change so much?!" As I thought about it, I realized it happened little by little -- by taking one step and making one decision at a time. That's both incredibly gratifying and incredibly humbling all at the same time.

On the one hand, it's great because it just means I need to make just one decision at a time or take one little step followed by another followed by another and I can eventually end up where I want to be, even if it's a place I never thought was possible. When I weighed 300 lbs, I never thought it would be possible to be back down to 229 -- but for the last several days I have been. And it's incredibly humbling and amazing.

At the same time, it's humbling because I can make one "little" decision that's bad and if I'm not careful I can take the path to destruction. I know, because I've done it once before, gaining 70 lbs in just over 2 years. Just by making one little decision at a time. However, I've also made plenty of not stellar decisions over the last 3 years, but I've rebounded. It's not a single bad decision that will do you in, but a series of them. And it's hard to see that you're making them sometimes when you're just living in the moment.

Anyway, tonight I'm kind of on a high because of this new life I'm living. Who thought I would do 1.5+ hours of exercise just for fun, not because it's the right thing to do -- but because it was what I wanted to do -- even more than watching TV or reading a book.

At the same time, I'm humbled because I'm not thinking I'm "fixed" or that I've really arrived at a place of complete recovery -- but I am glad to be living a happy and healthy life today. And I'm convinced I can live another healthy day tomorrow. And the day after... And the day after...

I love this life.

Progress, not perfection.

It's been a year

It was around this time last year that I weighed in at 235. It was the lowest I'd been on the WL train thus far (this time around). This weight is also significant in that it was the weight I maintained the first time I lost weight -- more correctly, I stalled out around 229.5, gained a little over Christmas, and maintained at 235 for several months.

This week, I once again weighed in at 235. In this last year, I've been as low as 228.4, as high as 240.4 and have bounced in between these two weights in the 235+/-5 window. Perhaps a classic case of "the more things change, the more they stay the same." So how do I feel about that?

Actually, I don't really know, but I lean more towards feeling good about it than feeling bad. But let's start by getting the negatives out of the way.

I know that for a person who is my height (5'8"), that 235 is not a healthy weight. I know that I still struggle very heavily with compulsive overeating and that there is progress to be made on that front. I feel somewhat frustrated that I'm about 50 lbs heavier than the weight that I think is probably healthy for my body and that it's been an entire year since I've lost weight. That part is sad/frustrating/annoying.

Before I go on -- I must acknowledge that this is NOT a plateau. To me, a plateau is when you're doing everything right (at least to the best of your knowledge) -- exercising, following your food plan, etc -- and the scale isn't moving. The fact that I haven't lost weight is due to my decision to not follow the Weight Watchers program consistently, my not being as diligent about exercise as I have been in the past, and succumbing to the occasional binge. I KNOW what it takes to lose weight, and in the past year I've either done it inconsistently or sometimes not at all. And THAT'S why I haven't lost weight -- not because my body is confused or I'm starving myself or anything like that. I accept responsibility for my decisions, and am working to change the dysfunctional thought patterns that underly those decisions so that I can once again make progress.

However, like I said, the larger part of me is proud/happy/optimistic about what I've done with my weight the past year. I have dealt with depression and a lot of anxiety about my career and future. In the past, food would have been my primary source of comfort to deal with these issues; now I more often turn to friends and to God (although food is always there and still gets abused sometimes). I also have just in the past few months have made several realizations that are critical to my longterm succcess, thanks in large part to OA and a book I'm reading called Made to Crave. The biggest realization is that not only do I not have to do this alone, I really can't do this alone -- I must seek help from God if I am truly to recover from using food as a substitute for strength, love, comfort, and hope. And that fills me with unspeakable optimism.

On a pragmatic note, I must acknowledge that I have gone down a size in the past year despite my weight staying the same. I think this is because I work out and I've converted some fat to muscle. I must also admit that I think this is the first time I've ever maintained a weight for a year. While one might see that as a negative, as someone who has either lost or gained a significant (10+ lbs) of weight each and every year of her adult life, I see a year of maintenance as both extremely significant and extremely positive. A year of maintenance puts me one step closer to stopping the madness of gaining gaining gaining or losing a significant amount of weight each year, and so I am extremely proud of that.

I'll leave you with pictures of me from last year this time at 235 (black shirt) and this year (blue tanktop and bad posture). I see a little bit of a change on the side view and I think my face looks skinnier (more pronounced chin), but other than that they look kind of similar to me. I can, however, assure you that those pants fit much better now which means that even though I may not see it, I know progress is being made.

And yes, that's a calendar year of concerted effort to grow my hair. Curly. hair. grows. so. slowly!!!

Now Entering VFT

The end of last week was not great. The day of the big snowstorm I went crazy with my eating (to the tune of four grilled cheese sandwiches; oops) in the morning and then got it all together for the afternoon. However, I didn't track for WW the rest of the week. I ended up losing the 1.8 lbs from the week before, but not really making any huge progress.

This week I am back firmly on plan, and I am happy to report that I am not only back to my lowest weight as an adult for the first time since before Christmas, as of this morning I am entering VFT. I forgot where I read this (it was some blog), but that stands for virgin fat territory -- uncharted ground that I haven't been at since I passed it (once) on the way up. This morning I was at 228.4. I can barely believe it. Time to keep the momentum going!

Unbelievable

Last night was holiday party 4/4 for the week. It was the one where I went the craziest, but my decisions were calculated and not terrible. It was an Italian potluck, and cheese is my favorite food ever. That made things a bit of a minefield, and a good chance to splurge a bit. I also had several desserts, but only slivers of each (except the peppermint bark and I had 3 or 4 good sized pieces). I had plenty of weekly points, made sure to go to the yoga in the morning since the time of the party conflicted with my usual exercise schedule, and overall felt comfortable with my choices. That having been said, I FULLY expected a small gain this morning or in the best case, to stay even. And I was fine with that, figuring the aftermath would go away in a day or two.

Nope. Down this morning to 230.8. Unbelievable. I'm now 1.6 lbs from my lowest weight in 10+ years (and remember I'm 31 so we're talking like 1/3 of my life). During the Christmas season. During a week where I had 4 parties.

I feel like a rock star.

Renewed Vigor and Tis the Season....

I haven't blogged about it and I think it is significant enough for a post of its own to be written later, but let me tell you all:

I LOVE THE NEW WEIGHT WATCHERS!!!!

I started the program the day it debuted (week after Thanksgiving), and I figured "I'll give it a shot. We'll see if it sticks."

It's been no secret that I've been stuck in a weight loss malaise for the last 4-6 months. I've been maintaining and not gaining, but I've been stuck in the same +/-5 lb window for a long time. The lowest I've gotten was 230.6 which occurred just prior to bout 2 of back problems. I tend to stick closer to 235 though. The lowest I have ever weighed in my adult life was 229.5 which I weighed for several months in graduate school.

Well, I am proud to announce that the spell is broken. I am now loving the new WW plan and am able to easily stick to it. I am also proud to announce that the scale is moving in the right direction!!

The week after Thanksgiving, I weighed in at 237.2 and started the new WW program. The first week on the program, I lost 3.6 lbs and weighed in at 233.6. This morning I weighed in at 231.4 (though it is not my official weigh-in day; my official day is on Sunday). And this, by the way, is in the midst of back pain that leaves me unable to work out as much or as aggressively as I usually do.

I am 2 lbs away from a very magical number. When I weigh 229.4, this will be significant both because it will mark exactly 70 lbs lost and will be the lowest I have weighed as an adult, ever. The last time I know I weighed this was as a sophomore in college (1999). Who knows, I may reach 229.4 this week!

My original goal for the holiday season was not to gain weight. However, I have now set my sights higher and want to lose weight over the holiday season. I'm not oblivious to the increased incidence of land mines around this time of the year (four holiday parties this week alone!), but I think I can do this. So far (two parties down for the week), I have done ok. Having a mindset of saying "Yes" to health rather than "No" to food, and having a plan that is healthy and reasonable to stick to is making all the difference so far.

What a difference a year makes....

Christmas 2010 (L) vs. Christmas 2009 (R)

There's about a 30 lb. difference. Sometimes I minimize that (e.g. "less than a lb. a week?! that is nothing!!" or "You're still considered obese!"), but I really shouldn't and I am going to stop that. It is negative self talk and, for those of you who know me in real life, you know I would not allow someone else to talk to me like that!

In the past year, I've overcome depression, dealt with 3 bouts of back issues that leave me unable to even sit up too long and exercise, and dealt with family issues/drama.

I have also made a new group of friends and lost 30 lbs. I have discovered that I love cycling and have ridden about 500 cathartic miles on my bike. I have learned a lot about myself and about life and my ability to persevere.

Probably the most important thing I am learning now is that I WANT to do this. I am not doing this because I should. I am not doing this because of the dire consequences of what will happen if I don't do this. I am doing this -- this healthy living thing -- because I want to enjoy a life where my body and health do not inhibit me from doing the things that I want to do. It makes saying no to food easier about 80% of the time, because it's not saying "No" to something desirable like a brownie, but rather saying "Yes" to the ability to walk around all day without getting tired or being able to shop in a "normal" store and not be banished to Lane Bryant or a plus sized section.

Now that's not to say I don't eat brownies or cheese or other treats, but I just have to be more judicious in my choices and not shovel everything in my trap or use food as a crutch so I don't have to deal with how I'm really feeling. I am nowhere near "there" but moderation is becoming a concept I can understand and am starting to employ after years - YEARS - of disordered eating and abusing food.

I look forward to another year of progress. Game on 2011!

Progress Pics

Here is a picture I took about a week ago (on the left). It's been awhile since I've posted progress pictures. Interestingly, I took a set of pictures in the same place (locker room at the gym) in the same outfit in May (on the right). I have "only" lost 5 lbs since then (I weighed 242 in May and 237 this week), but it is amazing how much working out has changed the composition of my body. The difference is remarkable, even to me.

Reclaiming and emptying my closet

As I lose weight, I am constantly amazed by some of the stuff I am finding in my closet -- some stuff I forgot existed, some stuff I had written off ever wearing again, and some stuff which were my go to clothes when I was a size 26 that is now even laughable to look at.

This outfit tells an amazing story. The first year I had my job, I went home for Christmas. On that trip, my mom, brother, and I took a trip to visit Pitt, my undergraduate alma mater. I stocked up on a bunch of clothes. The truth is, they did not have too many 2XLs, so I bought some XL stuff figuring it would work. Well, the truth is, it didn't work and the other truth is that it certainly didn't work after I gained another 20-40 lbs. Crap, now I had all of these beautiful, barely worn clothes that I could not wear!

There is one particular shirt that I bought that was really comfortable. It was a workout/breathable shirt that was amazingly soft. The problem is that although it was stretchy and I could wear it very comfortably, I looked like a stuffed sausage in it. There was no way I would ever wear that thing in public. Ever. Or so I thought.

Last spring, I tried this shirt on again after a long hiatus in the back of the closet. It fit! It didn't look totally amazing, but it looked passable as long as I wore a spanx shirt underneath. This picture that is shown above was taken on Sunday. No Spanx, and it is loose! This shirt I had written off as a possibility is now loose and can be worn in public with no problem!!

Tonight I did another trip through the closet, and got rid of another 2 garbage bags of clothes. While it is kind of sad to see them go, it is the right decision. I hope someone else can get good use out of them.

There is one thing I keep though: a single pair of size 26 pants that I used to wear. I don't want to forget or minimize where it is that I've come from.

Weigh in

This week I weighed in at 233.4. Again, I am not doing much to work actively toward my goals. I am not making amazing choices in the food department all the time, but apparently I am making enough good choices and controlling the portions on the rest of the choices to make some downward progress on the scale. That is the lowest I have ever weighed in while on WW (although, I am not really "on" WW as I mentioned - I wonder when I will get my mojo back?).

This week's weigh in puts me at a total of exactly 66 lbs. lost. I am really proud of that. This means I have lost 22% of my body weight. In addition, I have significantly changed the composition of my body so that it is much leaner than had I just lost 66 lbs. through diet alone. The working out and the strength training have helped me to build muscle mass and have helped to fuel my overall health, which is something I am really proud of. My mental health is worlds better, although I still do have a hard time sometimes. My spiritual health is probably better too, although this is probably the area with the most room for improvement now. Overall I am in a much better place than I was when I started all of this. That is something to be proud of.

Struggling, Maintaining or What?

The last week or two have been tough for me in some ways. Tough on the eating front, yes, but just tough altogether with respect to my healthiness mindset. Please let me explain.

I wrote that last week, I had a bad week of eating. On the Saturday that I wrote the post, I wrote about how glad I was for a chance at a fresh start the next day. And I really was. And I really meant it.

What I didn't write though was that I think on some level I treated that day like it was my last day of freedom, even though I didn't realize it at the time. That Saturday afternoon/evening, I ordered pizza. There were several reasons - I didn't have anything at home I wanted to eat, it was a football Saturday and I didn't want to leave to get groceries or something from a restaurant - but when I reflect on it, I think the main reason was just that I wanted a last day of freedom. The special I usually order when I get pizza was no longer available (boo), so I ordered a new special...that had cheese bread included. Excellent healthy choice, right? Not so much. The next day - the day of my official weigh in - I was up. By a LOT! I was up to 239.8!! I have lost this weight in a few days, but why do I keep doing this to myself?! This is classic self sabotage.

This week I really wanted to pack my lunches more. It is easier to track that way, and it is also a wiser financial choice. I only did this one day. There is no logical reason for this, especially given that I made enough food to pack for the week on Sunday. I also ate out several times for dinner (although many of these times, I believe it was the only option).

I started out tracking for the week, but I stopped around Tuesday. To be honest, the headache thing really frustrated and annoyed me. When I pack my lunches they are huge -- HUGE -- in terms of the volume they occupy! They take up a ton of space in my lunchbox and nothing else will fit in there. However, I was left hungry and I refuse to deal with headaches. The answer is obviously to get a bigger lunchbox and/or find better/more filling foods to pack - but almost every single one of the foods I ate Monday was designated a WW "filling food"!

I have written before about how my drive/motivation to lose weight waxes and wanes periodically. Here is a picture of my weight since I started this quest to get healthy.

My first WW hiatus was at the end of October. I ended up gaining weight (10ish lbs.) over the holidays and first set of problems with my back/SI joint (which I mention because it really inhibited my ability to exercise). In May I also took a hiatus from WW and had more problems with my back/SI joint, and I ended up getting depressed. I gained 4 lbs. and have yet to lose those back even though I have been flirting with being on WW again since early August!!

Sometimes I feel burned out and just peace out on losing weight for awhile. Now to be clear, this doesn't mean I want to live unhealthily. I still want to exercise, I mostly want to eat healthy (although this week I have totally sucked at this), and I don't want to gain weight -- but I just don't have it all together enough to focus on losing weight. I am starting to feel like this again, which is quite different than the "I want to lose 10 lbs in the next 2 months even though I hate those time/weight goals!" I felt just last week.

What is this? Is it resignation? Frustration in disguise? The first sign of slipping? I feel comfortable at this weight? I am not sure, but I feel like I need to figure this out.

I don't believe 235 is a healthy weight for me. I am still ~47% body fat which is way too high. However, I just don't know if I have what it takes right now, mentally, to lose weight. I cannot gain it back though. That just is not a good option at all.

Does anyone have any insights or related personal experience to share? I would appreciate it. It will help me as I process through this. Maintenance might be enough for now, but I am determined to reach a healthy weight -- even if it takes 5 years -- eventually. I don't think staying 235 forever will work for me.

Proud

Today I am reveling in being proud of myself.

• I am so much healthier than I was when I started this journey for the second (and I truly hope final) time.
• I have lost about 65 lbs.
• I have learned a lot about myself, how strong I can be, where I have areas of vulnerability, and places where there is room for improvement.
• I am proud that -- even though it was a very hard and very humbling step -- I recognized that it was ok to go on antidepressants and have followed through on taking them. It has completely changed my outlook on life, and for me was absolutely the right step to take, in conjunction with cognitive behavioral therapy.
• I have shown I can change.
• I have learned so much about my body. I can now recognize when muscles are tight and stretch them before they turn into debilitating back aches.
• I am capable of so much physically now than I ever thought possible. An hour of Zumba is now one of my favorite things; I used to leave 15 minutes into class because it killed my feet and I thought I was going to die. I now can easily lift weights, and am still working on progress toward the gun show. I now enjoy yoga and am starting to believe that I might eventually flexible enough to twist myself into some of the more pretzel-y positions they do at yoga (and, BTW I can touch my toes easily and have been able to for quite some time).
• I have such a broader picture of health now. Where I started off thinking health was about weighing less, I have evolved my thinking about this and learned it is about fueling my body with foods that are good for it, exercising and pushing myself, paying good attention to my mental health and my most recent revelation that I must consider and improve my spiritual health. I am beginning to recognize the interconnection between these aspects of health -- physical, mental, and spiritual.
• Today my blood pressure was 114/72. One of the things in the path to scaring me straight was a visit to the doctor in about February 2009 where my blood pressure was about 150/110.
• Yesterday I biked 31 miles at once. It was my longest bike ride, and it was on a cruiser. I made it further up one of the main hills on my ride than I had ever done before (usually I walk it up my bike).
• Today I went to Sam's to get produce. It is Sunday, so the sample pushers were out in full force. I had one sample: ham and cheese rolled up together. I wasn't really interested in anything else (even though I thought several things would taste good, I thought to myself "Nah, it's not worth it" and subsequently thought "OMG, could by attitude toward food really be changing that much?!?!" and almost cried tears of happiness and pride right there in Sam's Club - and I am not exaggerating).
• I am proud that I am capable of recognizing my accomplishments. One of the main themes that has emerged from my counseling is that I am so incredibly hard on myself, quick to dismiss successes, and this can lead to me getting angry at myself and eventually depressed. I am starting to recognize and celebrate these successes more easily. I am optimistic that I will in time be able to do this in other areas of my life as well.

This morning I was up 1.4 lbs (or something like that) over last week. I have to admit, it was surprising and kind of disappointing because I once again tracked everything and this week I was even within my points (albeit barely). Instead of letting it get me down, I identified things that I know will help me next week (packing lunches and eating out less, for example). I know that I am doing the right things and things that are healthy for me. Those are the things I can control, and eventually the number will follow. And that, too, is something I am proud of myself for recognizing.

My facebook status

I thought I would document it here, since yesterday was a hard day and to show you how I am really starting to feel like myself again.

What a great day - brother's birthday, great progress at Prabuddha's research meeting, Hector passed his qualifying exam, Zumba, 15 miles of biking, Blue Man group, amazing weather, and now a three day weekend!! Every Friday should be like this!

Things are clicking again

This morning I was down to 233. The scale is really moving, mostly because I am working out hard and because I am tracking my food again. It feels nice to have this under control again for now.

This summer I felt like I was treading water with this healthy living thing. Sometimes even that is hard. Now I feel like I am swimming again though and making headway. It really doesn't even feel like an enormous effort. It is amazing to me what a difference the chemicals in our brains can make.

♥ ♥ Seratonin ♥ ♥

Still here, and alive

I am making it folks. Not much to say, so let me do a quick bulleted list.

• I tried Zumba for the first time since my back injury. While it did not hurt my back, my muscles were achy and tight. My knees also hurt. I am needing more sleep (8 hrs. vs. 7). It is how I imagine it must feel to be old.
• I have been taking a class called Body Flow at my gym fairly frequently. It is a mixture of yoga, pilates, and tai chi. I have tried to like yoga on literally 5+ attempts before -- different teachers, different approaches, etc. and I have always hated it. However, I now love it for some reason even though I am not good at it. All of the stretching has been helping my back, which is why I signed up for it in the first place. It is also helping my mental well-being which is fantastic.
• I mentioned how I've been back and forth on WW lately -- signing up, but then not tracking or caring and just trying to get stuff in my mental space fixed and unclogged. While the headgames continue to be an issue, I have tracked everything this week and felt good about it. I'm still eating what I want (i.e., Monday I had 41.5 points and yesterday I had 46.5 points whereas my points allotment is 29), but it somehow is helping to write things down. Also, I have have had a ton of exercise points to cover most of my eating.
• The antidepressants are helping a lot. I still have times when I randomly burst into tears for no reasons, but thankfully they are further apart and only one time has it been in public (yoga class - embarrassing). The counseling is helping a lot too. I need to stop being so hard on myself, but 31 years of doing this constantly means it is hard to change.
• The scale is starting to dip downward. For several weeks I was not trying on the weight loss front and just trying to eat in a balanced way (i.e., eat a lot of fruits and vegetables, make sure to get protein at every meal, etc.). I stayed between 235-237, which was ok for me. This morning I was 234 point something for the first time in several weeks. It feels great to feel capable of handling most of life AND making progress at losing weight for the first time in such a long time (maybe about May or June).
• Several people commented that I had lost weight over the summer. Although this is not really true, I guess I must have toned up a bit. I just smiled and said thanks. I'm getting better at accepting compliments and not going into the "yeah, but..." crap.
• I booked the trip with my friends to Disney World. I am really excited to head there in mid-November. I will be so delighted to go there and not feel ashamed to see pictures of myself when they take them so that they can sell them to you (e.g. at Splash Mountain).

I guess I had more to say than I thought! It's not organized, but I just wanted to let you know I am alive and I am making strides toward living a healthier life. I am realizing that health is so multifaceted -- mental, food-consumption, and exercise are all areas in which I am focusing. Sometimes, I can only work on one or two of these at a time, but not all three. And I am actually really ok with it and am not willing to beat myself up over not being amazing at all three all the time. But for now I am handling 2.5/3 and I feel fabulous about that!

Progress Pictures - July 2010

Today I was at a place with great full length mirrors perfect for taking progress pictures. I couldn't resist.

Despite having a lousy time with food lately, several folks I hadn't seen in awhile told me "OMG you are looking great." Although it's tough to do a direct comparison when not wearing the exact same clothes, I would have to agree with them based on a comparison to my last set of progress pictures and obviously compared to my starting point.

Still Fat

I have read a few posts this week that have really resonated with me. As you longer-term readers know, I started off seriously a breath away from 300 lbs. My decision to take action was independent of this number, although when I actually took the step to weigh myself, I have to say that I was absolutely shocked at how high it was, and my resolve to do something about my weight was strengthened.

I now feel so much better than I used to. I can and do ride my bike to work. I love to go to the gym. I crave vegetables. I’m so much healthier than I used to be. The difference really amazes me when I stop to contemplate it.

Sometimes, though, I’ll really be struck by how I’m still fat. I’ll catch a glimpse of myself in a three way mirror, or a full body mirror with bad lighting, and I’ll have to suppress my gag reflex. While I am really happy with the changes in my body and my habits, I’ll occasionally be reminded that I’m so not there yet – and when it happens, it sucks.

For my height, the weight charts indicate that I should be between 124 and 164. When I graduated from high school, I weighed around 195 (I think I actually weighed more and that our home scale was really generous with me). The lowest I’ve ever weighed in my adult life is 229.5. Lately, I’ve been weighing in in the 235-239 range. I think that if I get to around 180, I will be very very happy with my figure and may talk to a doctor about whether this is a healthy weight for me or if I should lose more weight.

If you run the numbers (and being an engineer, of course I do), I’m only about halfway there! I’ve done really really well with this lifestyle change and the fact that I’m only halfway there…it kind of sucks! Especially since the last 10 or 15 lbs are so much tougher to lose than the first.

Another thing I’ve been struggling with is the fact that I don’t like some of the changes in others that I see when I see them thin. For example, I love Jennifer Hudson and agree she was probably overweight when she started her journey. I’m also pretty sure that Weight Watchers won’t let her get too thin while she is their paid spokesperson. But her new body? I’m not feeling it. I think her head looks too big on her body now. And I don’t like it.

I’m not sure if it’s because I’m not used to her the way she looks when she's bigger, or what. I’m not sure if it’s becase I usually feel quite happy when I look at myself in the mirror now that my 2+ chins rarely show up in pictures anymore – I usually just see one. I’m not sure why, but I have a harder time accepting the new bodies of some people who have drastically overhauled their lives. How much harder will it be to accept my own? This is something that I struggle with. (But PS it's really not any of my business. They are the masters of their own destinies, thanks...)

I am glad that I acknowledge this issue that I have now and am really really working hard to resolve this so that I don’t sabotage my progress as I get further down the road. One of the bloggers I really respect and identify with and have learned a lot from, Lyn at Escape from Obesity, has discussed this at length over on her blog. Seeing her thoughts on this issue have helped me to identify and begin to wrestle with my own thoughts. I really appreciate this and am determined not to let this mess me up as I get closer to my own goals.

Balancing your Greedy Side

One of my favorite twitter pals – Josie, a.k.a. Ms. YumYucky – always talks about balancing out her greedy side and her greedy desires. I’m pretty sure she aims to be silly, but I was thinking about it the other day on a day when I was struggling pretty hard core. I decided that for me, this is ultimately the way to go and is something that for me I believe can be sustained.

Today has not been a good travel day for me. I was supposed to be in a fancy tropical location right now, but due to travel delays I’m instead stuck in an airport. Blech. I stuck up for myself, called BS on Continental’s stance that there was a weather delay (no inclement looking weather on the radar between my airport and the hub airport I was headed to), and scored a travel voucher. I ended up at the hub airport, surveyed the food options, and decided on a swanky seafood place. I knew the voucher wouldn’t cover it completely, but decided it was worth it anyway.

I wanted to order something delicious. Perhaps fried calamari. Perhaps fried shrimp. Something decadent and indulgent.

After thinking about it some more, I decided that I wanted lobster bisque. I felt like this was indulgent (I love virtually anything with butter, cream, or cheese), but not that overboard. A google search reveals that 8 oz (the size I got) is about 300 calories. I also ordered a side order of veggies (green beans and a few new potatoes) steamed without veggies or oil. They were the fresh kind, not canned, and they were good. I felt that this was really a successful balancing of my greedy side with my “No I’m serious about getting healthy” side.

I should also mention that since my layover is so long, I went for a long walk to the neighboring terminal. I am glad that I am learning to incorporate activity into my everyday life, even when it’s not feasible to go to the gym. I am glad that I am able to have treats, and that I’m learning which treats are more indulgent and which actually aren’t as “bad” as you might expect. I feel like this is something reasonable that I can sustain in the long haul.

Afterall, I just can’t swear off cheese dip forever. My greedy side simply wouldn’t allow it – so I will just work to keep the greedy side in check.

Fitting into the World Again

60 lbs ago, I really didn't fit in. Yes, there's the figurative sense -- feeling 0% confidence in myself which I am sure projected through, having only a very precious few friends in NWA, etc which made me feel like I didn't fit in -- but I also didn't fit in in the very literal sense. And that is a TERRIBLE feeling.

For those of you who have been morbidly obese, I bet you identify. Not fitting into restaurant booths, choosing which movie theatres to go to based on which (if any) of the chairs fit you, taking a pass at amusement parks because you can't ride anything because you don't fit, and of course the dreaded airplane seats. Everyone hates those.

When I took ergonomics in college, we learned about designing stuff like this to fit everyone based on data that can be found in anthropometric charts. What this basically means is that you consult tables full of body measurements, and usually design stuff so that 95% of the population can use it easily and/or comfortably. I remember learning about this in college and thinking "Yeah, more people should do this!" What I failed to realize, however, is that people probably *do* do that, but I just was in the top 5% -- and while, many times, that is a great thing, here is a time when it isn't.

I am pleased to report that I feel like I am fitting back into the world in which I live. I went to a show at the Walton Arts Center (Momix by Botanica which I HIGHLY RECOMMEND if you are in town or get the chance to see it), and I had people on either side of me, and it wasn't a big deal. Fitting into the chair was no problem, and having other people on either side of me didn't cramp me at all. Usually, stuff like this -- fitting into a booth at a restaurant, going to watch a movie, flying on a plane -- is unremarkable. Every once in awhile (like last night), though, I will just pause, take it all in, and feel really excited and proud.

For someone who has felt abnormal for so long, feeling normal is a pretty amazing feeling. The world was engineered for me again. I can fit in stuff without feeling like a sardine smooshed in a can, or feeling like I will break something if I sit on it. While I love being remarkable and special in many ways*, being one of the huddled masses feels pretty great when it means you can fit into a chair without feeling uncomfortable or like you will break it. I feel like I fit again.

*This came out a lot more arrogant sounding than I mean. We are all special, not just me!

Progress Pictures

I have turned into a terrible blogger, but this is because I have been busy doing real work (i.e., for my job) and out enjoying my life. I wish I had time to do it all, but I am realizing I don't and that certain things are going to fall by the wayside...and that that has to be ok for right now.

Something clicked late last week for me. I wanted to eat healthy. I just don't want to eat most processed junk right now. I want real food. It tastes better, and actually serves as real fuel for my body. I am still not tracking (not a great Weight Watcher), but I am confident that I will begin that again soon.

I wanted to post a couple progress pictures. In preparation, I was looking through some old pictures I've posted on the blog. Although I've come a long way, I still think every time I see these pictures "Man I've got a long way to go!" I am drawn toward looking at my belly, how if I don't stand right I still have two chins, etc. Nonetheless here are some pictures from yesterday.

I felt really skinny yesterday. I think it is the jeans and the fact that the shirt is black. Whatever it is, I'll take it (and a healthy dose of it, please!)

When I look back through the pictures I posted, I have really mixed feelings. Same with the blog entries. For example, I saw that a little over two months ago I weighed 6 lbs more than I do now. Part of me thinks "Geez, what a waste of two months. Only six freaking pounds?! What am I wasting my time on?! Get it together girl, and get that scale moving!!"

The other part of me thinks, "You know, six pounds in two months. That is great! Two years ago, you would have been gaining weight, and probably at that rate. You're fitter than you were 2 months ago, and you're making the real changes you need to to make this a lifestyle change."

So which of these two voices in my head is right? Probably both of them are. I could definitely be doing a better job at this. I could definitely lose the weight faster, and should definitely have fed myself less crap (i.e., food with little to no nutritive value). However, I think any progress in the downward direction is good. I will work to be at peace with myself, and continue to press on toward my bigger goals (riding 1000 miles this summer and working on that gun show).