One Step at a Time

Photo credit: J@m's flicker page

Today I am not sure what was wrong with me, but I just felt all over the place at work. I got stuff done, yes, but I felt like I was not firing on all cylinders. That's a problem because now is a time I definitely need to be harnessing every ounce of productivity I have, and more. I was kind of frustrated, honestly.

Do you know what I did? I went to go swim. Then I went for dinner (pizza, which I had points to eat -- and I ordered an 8" mini pizza). I was not really feeling like I could work just yet again so I went for a "quick" bike ride -- 11 miles. It was so cathartic.

I was thinking to myself, who ever thought this was possible? Who thought I would deal with stress by exercising?! And who ever thought I would order a pizza smaller than a small?! AND BE COMPLETELY SATISFIED?!?!?!

I remember one time when I was sick (probably about 3 years ago) I circled the Walmart parking lot for literally 10 minutes looking for a spot right next to the door because I did not want to walk any further than I had to. Now parking far away is no big deal.

I remember when I used to walk up the hill where I work wheezing and out of breath. Now I do that, then take the stairs to my office, and I'm not even breathing hard.

I remember when not having soda or dessert every day was unthinkable; now it's not really a big deal (although I do admit, I still love soda).

I was trying to figure out, "When did this happen? When did I change so much?!" As I thought about it, I realized it happened little by little -- by taking one step and making one decision at a time. That's both incredibly gratifying and incredibly humbling all at the same time.

On the one hand, it's great because it just means I need to make just one decision at a time or take one little step followed by another followed by another and I can eventually end up where I want to be, even if it's a place I never thought was possible. When I weighed 300 lbs, I never thought it would be possible to be back down to 229 -- but for the last several days I have been. And it's incredibly humbling and amazing.

At the same time, it's humbling because I can make one "little" decision that's bad and if I'm not careful I can take the path to destruction. I know, because I've done it once before, gaining 70 lbs in just over 2 years. Just by making one little decision at a time. However, I've also made plenty of not stellar decisions over the last 3 years, but I've rebounded. It's not a single bad decision that will do you in, but a series of them. And it's hard to see that you're making them sometimes when you're just living in the moment.

Anyway, tonight I'm kind of on a high because of this new life I'm living. Who thought I would do 1.5+ hours of exercise just for fun, not because it's the right thing to do -- but because it was what I wanted to do -- even more than watching TV or reading a book.

At the same time, I'm humbled because I'm not thinking I'm "fixed" or that I've really arrived at a place of complete recovery -- but I am glad to be living a happy and healthy life today. And I'm convinced I can live another healthy day tomorrow. And the day after... And the day after...

I love this life.

Progress, not perfection.