Monday, June 13, 2011

New Low

This morning I weighed 228.0, eclipsing my old low of 228.4. The funny thing is that I'm learning that just like food and my attitude toward it don't define me, my weight doesn't either. The next thing that needs to go is my identity as a former fat girl. I sometimes still think of myself that way (often?). It's not that I think it's bad to remember where I've come from; I think that's good/important. It's more that it should not define me -- moving it out of who I think I am at my core.

Now here's the thing -- every other time I've hit a new low in the last year, there is some sort of self sabotage involved (see picture above). It's never conscious and it's always subtle, but it's always been there. Soon after I get to a new low, I get sloppy or gain weight or something. I need to figure out why and not do it now. After all, if weight doesn't define me, why should it dictate my behavior? It shouldn't.

I am cautiously optimistic that this is the week I can break the cycle. I will be praying about this with my higher power. If you are into such things, would you mind praying for me too? I hope to have good news to share soon. Hopefully this is the time where I can break through this maintenance phase I've (unintentionally) been in for the last year.

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