Still Fat

I have read a few posts this week that have really resonated with me. As you longer-term readers know, I started off seriously a breath away from 300 lbs. My decision to take action was independent of this number, although when I actually took the step to weigh myself, I have to say that I was absolutely shocked at how high it was, and my resolve to do something about my weight was strengthened.

I now feel so much better than I used to. I can and do ride my bike to work. I love to go to the gym. I crave vegetables. I’m so much healthier than I used to be. The difference really amazes me when I stop to contemplate it.

Sometimes, though, I’ll really be struck by how I’m still fat. I’ll catch a glimpse of myself in a three way mirror, or a full body mirror with bad lighting, and I’ll have to suppress my gag reflex. While I am really happy with the changes in my body and my habits, I’ll occasionally be reminded that I’m so not there yet – and when it happens, it sucks.

For my height, the weight charts indicate that I should be between 124 and 164. When I graduated from high school, I weighed around 195 (I think I actually weighed more and that our home scale was really generous with me). The lowest I’ve ever weighed in my adult life is 229.5. Lately, I’ve been weighing in in the 235-239 range. I think that if I get to around 180, I will be very very happy with my figure and may talk to a doctor about whether this is a healthy weight for me or if I should lose more weight.

If you run the numbers (and being an engineer, of course I do), I’m only about halfway there! I’ve done really really well with this lifestyle change and the fact that I’m only halfway there…it kind of sucks! Especially since the last 10 or 15 lbs are so much tougher to lose than the first.

Another thing I’ve been struggling with is the fact that I don’t like some of the changes in others that I see when I see them thin. For example, I love Jennifer Hudson and agree she was probably overweight when she started her journey. I’m also pretty sure that Weight Watchers won’t let her get too thin while she is their paid spokesperson. But her new body? I’m not feeling it. I think her head looks too big on her body now. And I don’t like it.

I’m not sure if it’s because I’m not used to her the way she looks when she's bigger, or what. I’m not sure if it’s becase I usually feel quite happy when I look at myself in the mirror now that my 2+ chins rarely show up in pictures anymore – I usually just see one. I’m not sure why, but I have a harder time accepting the new bodies of some people who have drastically overhauled their lives. How much harder will it be to accept my own? This is something that I struggle with. (But PS it's really not any of my business. They are the masters of their own destinies, thanks...)

I am glad that I acknowledge this issue that I have now and am really really working hard to resolve this so that I don’t sabotage my progress as I get further down the road. One of the bloggers I really respect and identify with and have learned a lot from, Lyn at Escape from Obesity, has discussed this at length over on her blog. Seeing her thoughts on this issue have helped me to identify and begin to wrestle with my own thoughts. I really appreciate this and am determined not to let this mess me up as I get closer to my own goals.