Mess mess messity mess

Today I am a mess. My back/hip issues have been so so bad lately. Yesterday I had a trip for work that I could basically under no circumstances miss. The meeting I had to attend took place about 3-3.5 hrs away from home, and I was beyond apprehensive about the drive. Fortunately a colleague was willing to do the driving, allowing me to lay down in the back seat the majority of the time. The same colleague helped me to adjust my leg length, temporarily relieving some of the pain and allowing me to sit up for the 3 hr meeting and the lunch that followed. By the time we got back though, I was spent. I laid down flat on my back when I got home around 5 PM, and that felt great. So great, actually, that I fell asleep until 11 PM. I woke up, watched a little TV, took some more ibuprofen, and then tried to go to sleep again around 1. I woke up this morning at 6. For those keeping score, that's 13 hours of sleep in 24 hours (I had to be up at 3:40 to go on the trip).

Today was supposed to be the only day I am in the office, as I leave for another fracking trip tomorrow. I really wanted to go in and take care of a lot of stuff (I was only in the office one day last week as well because of travel), but unfortunately there was absolutely no way that could happen. The pain was simply excruciating and intolerable.

I called the doctor first thing this morning and was very fortunate to get her last appointment for the day, which was around noon. I needed to get a referral for physical therapy (which was helpful but really dragged out last time these SI joint issues presented themselves), and was hoping to get something that would help get me through my trip this week.

When the doctor came in, I immediately started crying. This really surprised me, but is a testament to both how badly this injury hurts, and how absolutely insanely frustrated I am. She gave me a cortisone shot, and controlled-substance-level prescriptions for both muscle relaxers (Flexerol) and pain relief (Lortab). She also told me, "If I could tell you the absolute worst thing to do, it would be to travel and to be forced to sit for long periods." As luck has it, of course, this is the day before I fly to Louisville for a three day 8:30-5 workshop that I was totally stoked to attend.

This morning, my stomach was really letting me know it was super hungry, probably because I went to bed (aka fell asleep on the floor) at 5 without eating dinner, and had only a banana when I woke up from 11-1. Although the physical signs of hunger were there, I didn't want to eat. I could not believe it. This behavior was totally uncharacteristic of me. I just didn't want to have to find a way to sit comfortably, and I could not think of a way to eat lying flat on my back. I ended up eating a bowl of oatmeal with a banana, blueberries, and milk -- but I didn't want to eat it.

For lunch, I was again hungry and I was a little more excited about eating, but not all that much. I ate two tacos.

When I went to pick up my prescriptions this afternoon, I started crying immediately upon entering the Walmart. I was just so so frustrated, and I wanted to binge. I wasn't hungry, but I wanted red velvet cake. I wanted ice cream. I wanted chips and dip. I wanted chocolate. I wanted basically everything.

I thought about that morning in the doctor's office. The technician guessed I weighed somewhere between 160-180 (down from last time when she guessed 180-200). These last 10-15 lbs I have lost have really made a difference in my appearance. Several people have told me they think I look great now, and a few have even suggested that I stop losing weight. I thought about this and weighed it against the prospect of a huge binge. I thought about the two donuts I ate the day before, and how they tasted great but made me feel tired, sluggish, and not myself. I thought about the new clothes I have bought, and how I am maybe 10-15 lbs away from being out of the plus sized section and able to shop in "regular" stores. I also thought about how I just feel better about myself now.

I decided I like my current life better than my old one -- even with this temporary injury -- and reminded myself that binges really lead to nothing good. I cried the entire way through Walmart (and felt like an idiot, but fortunately ran into no one I knew) -- partially out of pain and partially because my brain was screaming for junk food. I steeled myself, and I made it out of there only with my prescriptions, some cottage cheese, and some mandarin orange slices. These are admittedly a treat, but a calculated one.

I am sick of feeling bad, but I am proud of myself for remembering that food will not fix this problem. If anything, carrying more weight will mess up my SI joint even worse. I hope I feel better soon, but I am glad that the mental aspect of figuring out how to live a healthier lifestyle is something that -- at least for now -- I am still able to control.