Friday, September 24, 2010

Mixed News

Thank you very much for the support you offered me on the last post. I really appreciate it. There are so many things I appreciate about the kind words offered on this blog and in e-mails and texts and FB messages from you guys.

There are two groups of people who read this blog. First, there are the people who I have met online many of whom also are trying to overhaul their health and to lose weight. I very much appreciate these friendships because I know that you get "it". I don't know what "it" is, but "it" includes things like a super-unhealthy relationship to food, a propensity to binge, eating in secret, struggling in a size-ist world, etc. The things that normal sized people with regular "I eat because I'm hungry" relationships with food don't know about and don't deal with. It is helpful not to feel alone and not to feel judged by you all, and more than that to feel very supported by your friendship and our shared struggle to redefine and reframe our relationship with food.

The second group of people who read this blog are those I actually know or have known in real life. The vast majority of you are healthy-sized and have healthy relationships with food. It is really putting myself out there sometimes to talk as candidly as I do about my struggles to get healthy -- with eating, with bingeing, with depression, and so on. I appreciate knowing that you all support me even though your relationship with food is in a very different place. I find that the openness and transparency helps me to remain on track, and also in some small way I hope it helps you to understand how complicated the world of disordered eating can be. It's not as simple as "eat more and move less". There are so many mental/emotional etc things going on too.

Here is an update, and it contains mixed news.
  • My toothache continued. It was usually just a lowgrade "ouch" and it didn't affect my ability to eat until yesterday. Yes, there were periods of sharp "OMG I want to pass out" pain, but they usually lasted about 15 minutes and I could get them to go away by brushing my teeth and/or Anbesol and/or a salt water rinse. Until last night. Last night the pain was relentless, I could not eat, and I could not get the pain to stop for anything -- not even a Lortab. I was googling around and learned that my problem might be a tooth abscess and so I started some of the homeopathic remedies I learned about to treat them. I had a really hard time sleeping, waking up at first every 15 minutes, then every 30 minutes, and finally every hour or so until about 4 AM. At that point, I was able to sleep until around 8 AM. Sure enough, when I woke up this morning, my abscess had popped (they will form a head like a zit and then the gross infection stuff will come out) and my tooth has not hurt much since then. I am so glad I have a dentist appointment on Monday.
  • My food choices the last few days have been poor, but I have not binged. For example, I ate cheese fries yesterday for lunch. However, I did not do my old tricks of "today is blown because I ate cheese fries, so I might as well eat _____ and _____ and ____ too".
  • The scale is holding relatively steady, and I am retaining water. I have been at 235 +/- 4 lbs for 90+ days now. I am glad not to be gaining weight, but I do wish I had it more together and I was doing what it takes to lose weight.
  • I have exercised as usual. I think this is key in my not gaining weight; I am sure I would have blown up if I did not do a lot of exercise.
So, there it is. Thanks for checking on me. While I don't have any great "Man I am kicking tail!!" news, I don't have any "I'm in the depths of despair news" either. And today the high is only 80 and the weather is perfect for biking. I might bike down to campus to see the crazy excitement that is going on with the game if we win. Man, there would be out and out pandemonium. It would be super exciting. GO HOGS!!

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