I want a do over

Do you ever do something that you think will be amazing and/or that you build up really high expectations for only to be completely....underwhelmed? It's not a great feeling.

That would describe my eating this week. The week got off to a rough start with the holiday weekend. We had a welcome back to school picnic on Sunday, and those are always rough. I have to say everyone really rose to the occasion on this potluck bringing delicious (but not always healthy) treats instead of lame-o bags of chips. I definitely indulged. I didn't feel like it rose to the level of an out and out binge, but it was indulgent. I also took home some potato salad (probably three servings worth) and I ate it all that evening. It reminded me of the days of bingeing in secret and I do not like that feeling. It was bad.

I thought I would get back to tracking everything on Monday. I forget exactly what happened, but I ended up just not feeling like it. I also didn't feel like it Tuesday. Then I figured "Why bother this week?" AKA, the downward spiral. The worst part is that in retrospect it really wasn't even worth it. There was nothing that I had that I was like "You know, it was totally worth the ____ calories to have this _____." I had a lot of good stuff but nothing that was absolutely amazing or noteworthy or worth losing a week over.

Wednesday I had the closest thing I have had to a binge in awhile. It is probably the weirdest one I have ever had, or at least the weirdest one I can remember. Usually when I binge, I know why. I am sad or tired or feeling deprived. I feel like I am giving in but then it's like I lose control, or more accurately I feel like I surrender to food. I take a back seat and some weird primal desire to eat takes over. Wednesday I ate a ton -- I ate an entire calzone. I made red velvet cookies and some cream cheese frosting, and I ate half the cookies and made a serious dent in the frosting. The food was very much like a binge. However, my head was totally in control. It was like I was deciding to eat the food -- it was a willful (albeit poor) choice. I don't know how to describe it but to say that I was feeling some sense of agency over the food situation instead of being a hostage to food like I typically feel during a binge. In a weird dysfunctional way it was a nice feeling to feel like I had some control over the food, although I still do wonder why I did make such poor food choices.

The next morning I was up 4 lbs. It was not "real" weight, but I was like "OK, this has to stop." I threw away the rest of the cookies I made, and washed the frosting down the drain and threw away the sugar I bought to make it. I don't feel good about wasting food, but I feel less stable having it around the house and was not even confident I could take the food to school to share without breaking into it on the way to school...so I tossed it.

Over the rest of the week, I made more poor decisions but basically the weight is all gone and I expect to be even for the week -- nothing lost or gained. We will see for sure tomorrow.

I am trying to process through why this all happens, and what to do about it so that I reach a happy medium on how I can handle this from here on out.

• I think I need to have a realistic plan on how to deal with holidays and/or high stakes food challenges like potlucks. I need to find a way to allow myself treats there and to not feel deprived, but not something that is so lackadaisical that it will spiral into wasting a whole week not eating healthily. I think this is likely to be something beyond just the extra 35 points I am allowed for WW.
• I need to figure out something that won't have me baking very often. Making an entire batch of cookies is a bad idea unless there is a very specific plan on what they are for -- a plan that isn't "eat them all until you are disgusted with yourself".
• Daily weighing for me is really helpful. With my industrial engineering training, I am familiar with the concept of variance and how daily fluctuations happen as a result of hormones, salt intake, hydration levels, and other stuff -- that doesn't bother me. However, seeing the +4 lbs overnight is something that scared me straight. Had I not seen that the morning following my faux-binge, I am virtually certain I would have finished the cookies I made and made a further dent in the frosting.
• While I love the concept of the weekly "reset" on WW the day of your weigh in, I feel like this week I used that as an excuse to waste time eating crap for an entire week rather than just getting it together and starting over ASAP. I need to figure out why I allowed myself to use this as an excuse.

I feel like lately I am in some really weird place. I feel like I take 10 steps forward and then 9 steps back. While the net result is progress, it has been REALLY slow and there is definitely no one sabotaging me but myself. I am not sure how much credit to give myself for continuing to make progress while working through issues vs. how hard I should be on myself for not battening the hatches and just hunkering down and doing the work (i.e., should I be proud of the net one step forward, or angry at myself for the 9 steps back?).

I would still really love to lose about 10 lbs. before I go to Disney World. This will not happen unless I am more consistent. Here is to a new week - one where I am back in control rather than surrendering my power to the food.