Relapse

This is a hard blog entry to write.

I am a food addict. If you google food addition, I fit most if not all of the signs. Here is one of the lists I found.

• Obsessed with thoughts about food.
• Eats to relieve worry or stress.
• Feels anxious while eating.
• Worries or feels anxious while eating which results in more eating.
• Overeats because the food is there.
• Eats too fast so they can eat more.
• Eats everything on the plate even when they feel full.
• Feels guilty when they overeat.
• Hides food so they can eat in secret away from other people.
• Goes on a food binge after dieting or after trying to cut back.
• Sees food as something to be avoided or as harmful.

Yep, I'm a prototypical food addict.

In the last year I have been in recovery. I have worked to try to find a place of moderation -- the place where I can enjoy food, recognize it as fuel for life, and not give it an undeservedly and unnecessarily elevated place on priority list.

If you read some addiction literature, they state "Relapse is a part of recovery."

Crap. This has been me this week. I have been eating crap that is not good for my body, and too much of it.

I have tried to figure out why this is happening? I still don't really know, but I think a lot of it is busy-ness. I didn't get a chance to go grocery shopping last weekend and I felt the effect of that all week. I had no eggs to eat in the morning. I couldn't pack lunches. I ate crap instead.

At first, it didn't show up on the scale, but it is starting to now. I've gained about 3 lbs. I caught myself almost writing "only" 3 lbs. Isn't it funny how we are quick to dismiss modest losses, and even are sometimes disappointed with them, but here I am about to rationalize gaining "only" 3 lbs? That would be a very very good weight loss week, or more likely two pretty good weeks. I've sabotaged myself here and gained that back in a week, but I am quick to minimize it.

Can I make a confession though? I read a lot. From my reading (and from common sense really) I know my body is supposed to not like this food and not function as well on all the chemicals and sugar and fat. I have to say, though, I feel fine and like those chemicals haven't really affected me at all. I could be living in a state of denial but seriously, I did just as well at the gym this week as I did any other week. Nonetheless I know that donuts and sausage rolls and excessive amounts of pizza and soda are not good for me, or my heart and that I cannot make good friends with them like I used to be. I still believe I can stop by and say hi once in awhile, but we can't be besties like we used to be.

I will not let my hard work go totally to waste. I cannot let this become a gateway to gaining all of this weight back. I need to get back on track, but this is hard.

I remember when I first started this journey, every decision was hard. I had to fight to make most decisions wisely. Eventually, it became easier because the "good" decisions felt natural and the old decisions I used to make all the time felt splurge-y and indulgent. I am getting back to the place where those old decisions are becoming more natural and reflexive. I need to get back to the place where the healthy decisions are the default ones.