Breakfast - 1/2 - 3/4 of a Sam's club sized tub o' hummus, 3/4 sleeve Zesta crackers, 3 cups milk.
Lunch - 1.25 lbs King Crab, mashed potatoes (2 potatoes worth, reasonable amount of 1/2 and 1/2 and butter) -- this would have been a legit meal were it not for the lack of vegetables.
Dinner - (this is the worst part) 1 large thin crust Papa John's pizza with onions, sausage, and cheese. THE.WHOLE.THING. Also about 1 L diet Coke.
Sigh. 2010 cannot be my year if I binge like this very often, as I have for the last 2 Sundays.
Although thus far n = 2, I'd say we're starting a trend here -- a trend of bingeing on Sundays that I don't like and must curtail. What is happening? What can I do to stop it?
Well to start, hummus has always been something that I have enjoyed and I think it has now risen to the level of a trigger food. Time to get that out of the house. I don't think I can have it around anymore (though anyone is welcome to invite me over and I will gladly eat some of your hummus, and because of cultural norms I'm unlikely to eat the whole tub when I'm at your house!). Sigh. I didn't even want the crackers I ate with the hummus to be honest. I just felt less gross eating hummus with crackers than doing the finger dip in hummus trick (I guess I'm classing it up in my old age -- I used to not be ashamed to dip my finger in a tub o' frosting! Over and over until the whole thing was gone. Sheesh, I wonder how I ever reached breaths away from being 300 lbs?!).
More fundamentally, I think I am feeling sad and jipped on the weekends. The pressure and volume of work at my job lately does not permit me to have legitimate weekends these days. Yes, I work less on weekends than I do on the weekdays, but I really do resent having to work so much on the weekends. Today, for example, I would bet that I worked 6 hours. That pisses me off. I think I ate partially to deal with that. The thing is, bingeing hurts no one but myself and it puts me in an even deeper funk than just working so much does -- something I definitely don't need/want as baggage to start the week off with! Does anyone have any coping strategies around this one? I think I need to find a way to get this all out. It might be time to start therapy again.
It is still hard to feel like my friend options are so limited. I have made a couple new friends lately, but with most of them (not all) I feel like there is something forced about these friendships. I feel that I can't whine about not having friends if I don't do stuff with people I don't know well (i.e., make attempts to gain friendships), but some of them end up just being such a waste of effort. I feel awkward around them, and not at all like I have the freedom to be myself. I have a hard time justifying spending the time on building these friendships when I am so exhausted and my time is stretched thin to start with. I mean, by Fridays I am usually so spent -- for example, this week I fell asleep this Friday on the couch at 6:30, woke up and went right to bed at 8, was up between midnight and 1, and then slept until around 5:30.
On the weekdays it feels like the busy-ness I experience is justified. I get up early, work hard all day, work out, come home, sometimes work and sometimes don't, pack lunch, pack workout clothes, go to sleep around 10 or 10:30, and get up the next morning and start it all over again. I have (besides the workout time) usually 1-2 hours plus lunch to myself or with work friends. I hate having to give the weekends up too.
You know, another thing that might play into these binges is fear. I used to think it was such a line of BS when people losing weight would talk about being afraid once they started losing the weight. For example, one common thing I would hear from women (especially those who have been in destructive relationships or have trust issues with men) is that once they lose weight, guys start hitting on them again, they freak out, and then they balloon up. While I'm nowhere near the point that this is happening (I still weigh more than 250 lbs people!!!), on some level I do think my recent weight loss has freaked me out a little. The binges might be an attempt to sabotage that. This week I was losing 0.8 lbs everyday. Last week I lost 4.4 lbs. As far as I can tell, I am not doing anything unhealthy -- I work out a lot, I eat all of my WW points (and almost always use all 35 free points and am not shy about using my activity points, although I do like to have a balance of 35 when the week is over). However, I am losing weight at a faster than recommended pace, and that scares me a bit, perhaps to the point that it played into the binge. That is no reason to self sabotage, yet I am doing it.
This post has been all over the place. I do not know what is causing the bingeing. The bingeing bothers me, makes me feel ashamed, is not worth it in the end, and is not healthy for me. But yet I do it anyway. I don't think I know why. I want to cry when I think about it. I am not sure what the void is, but I am using food to fill some kind of void. Food was not meant to fill any sort of a void, and it is unable to do that -- it is simply fuel for my body. I need to figure out what is causing these binges, work to alleviate whatever that is, and STOP IT!!! 2010 is so my year, but it can't be if I sabotage myself like this weekly.
Edited to add - I am usually not one to beg for comments, but I need to tonight. I feel really alone on this one. If you have any hypotheses, experiences or encouragement to share, I would really appreciate it. I am really trying to figure this out and dig myself out of, not deeper into, this funk. If you can't/don't want to comment -- please FB message, text, or e-mail me if you feel so inclined. Thank you so much.
I have this same problem sometimes--I work out hard during the week, eat really well...and then on the weekend, I just eat whatever, even though I'm not hungry. Then I end up embarrassed and uncomfortably full, ashamed of my lack of control.
ReplyDeleteMy theory is that (at least for me) it's the lack of structure, my boyfriend's snacking, and the fact that I'm at home more where I'm tempted to eat random stuff in the fridge. Also our weekly potluck where there is food galore. I also think that working and focusing really hard is difficult to maintain, so I let my guard down a bit and lapse into old habits.
Encouraging thought: shake it off. Learn to recognize the signs that you are heading in the binge direction, and figure out strategies to divert it, like getting out of the house, going somewhere non-food related, etc. And if you do binge, don't let it overwhelm the AWESOME and AMAZING work you've been doing: it's a mistake that you can learn and grow from, not something that should completely take over your efforts. Recovering is a slow process, but you can learn to begin to stop yourself if you start heading that direction until it's no longer a programmed habit. That's what you've got to change--the habit and the desire and the triggers.
Sounds like we both need to join/form a binge eating support group! :) Hope this helps.
Hey Sarah,
ReplyDeleteIn regards to the work thing, I feel ya! I think what I would ideally like to do is "schedule" a block of time for myself to do the work and then when the time is up walk away. Try to break it up a little, do something unrelated, work out, whatever and then go back to it. I know it's difficult b/c once I get into a work groove I don't want to stop and then have to come back but I think it's better than spending the other half of the time ticked off that I'm still working away my "free time".
As for the bingeing on Sundays my theory is that you're "burned out" from the week. Like the comment Jenn left, you are doing an amazing job. I have the issue that during the week I do pretty good on watching what I eat but then by the weekend I feel like "it's my free time, I'll eat what I want". All week you work hard (career and exercise wise) that come the weekend maybe you're tired of tracking every last thing you do or eat.
For trigger foods and etc, what has worked for me and stopped me from randomly snacking is running "lean" on food. Buying only what I will eat that week and having that food rationed out per meal. I'm not literally setting everything into little tupperware boxes marked monday - friday (pill box style)... but knowing that I bought this one thing speciifically for a planned meal on Wednesday keeps me from eating it early as a snack or whatever. Maybe if you are snacking to dish out some of what you're eating rather than taking the tub of hummus with you. From your previous posts, you seem more inclined to consciously not go back for seconds or taking more when you set some aside. It's harder to have finished a portion, take inventory of it and have to make a conscious effort to get up and go dish out more.. maybe a break between portions would give you time to stop.
Sarah, you're doing an amazing job. This is a little bump in the road and I know that you are motivated and strong enough to get over this hump. YOU CAN DO IT!!!!
I don't know why some of us tend to have that self-destructive behavior, I just know I have a problem with it. I can be having a stellar week and blow it on Saturday or Sunday. Grrr! I think you have made a good analysis though. If the humus is a trigger food, then you may have to say goodbye to it (keep in mind, I haven't totally said goodbye to my trigger food, but I am getting close to forever cutting the ties).
ReplyDeleteJust don't let this get you down - you are just having a little slump, which can also be looked at as an energy builder to propel you to the next level.
@all -- including those who sent me offline messages -- thank you so much for responding to my neediness. I appreciate it.
ReplyDelete@Jenn -- support group = yes!!! It is in some odd way helpful to know that I am not the only one who struggles with this, although I hope we all get over this crap. Additionally, it was great to see you at Commit to Fit. I realized I was rude not saying bye to you, but it was great to sit with you. I am thinking about run-walking the frozen 5K.
@Lisa - thanks for the encouragement.
@Steve - thanks for the encouragement too :)
Sarah, you're doing an amazing job and your strength is really inspiring.
ReplyDeleteThe important thing is to not let a "bad" day put you down and discourage you. Just put it behind you and forget it and focus on going back on track the following days. As time goes on, bad days will be less and less frequent.
Hugs and Kisses!
I did not read all the comments - no time after reading this post!!! Sarah - I think you're doign great!!! and your real inspiring!!! I'm reading this before I get my day started - so I'm motivated to do my best! Yes - it is obvious that something happens on Sundays... I too do worse on the weekends.... mostly bc that's when we eat out and are more social... but I think what helps(not that I do this as much as I should) is really preplanning and then stickign to the plan. If you're going to splurge because you know you'll be working and will need that crutch to get you through - then just be honest and say - I will not eat the whole pizza - but I'll have 3 slices. more than you should - but certainly better than the whole thing... 2010 is SOOO your year! don't let a few Sunday's get in the way!
ReplyDelete