My Inner Fat Girl Lives

You know the saying "No news is good news"? It tends not to be true when weight loss/healthy living bloggers bow out of the blogosphere for awhile.

My absence over the last week was accompanied by a 10 lb. gain from last Wednesday to Sunday. I don't know what to say except that I started by allowing myself little treats. Then I stopped tracking. Then the wheels fell off and I went over the side of the proverbial cliff.

What do I mean? Well, for example, making a 9x13" carrot cake for Christmas and eating 75% of it in 24 hours before finally throwing the rest away. Copious, copious amounts of eating and throwing caution to the wind. Stuff that is in no way normal and most people would just not understand (and, I am almost certain, would be universally ashamed of).

Now, please don't misunderstand what I'm about to say because I'm not exactly sure how to articulate it. Here it goes: I am learning to embrace failure. It's not that I like it per se and I certainly don't seek it out. However, for me it is probably the best learning tool I have and when I learn the most about myself with respect to the healthy living/decision making thing. Therefore, I embrace it and try to squeeze every lesson possible out of a failure. Hence, I am chalking the gain up to a learning experience and not beating myself up about it.

After this holiday's collosal failure learning experience, I'm easing back on to the healthy eating road. I've been making mostly wise decisions, while still allowing myself some leeway as it is still the holidays. I've come down from my week-high of 239.2 (conveniently on my weigh-in day, sigh) and this morning weighed in at 233.4. I've gone to the gym the last few days. I've finished and/or tossed most of the leftover junk. Starting next week with my new WW week, I believe I will go back to tracking in earnest. For me it is just too hard with holiday parties and the lack of structure with my time right now.

While I did have a few moments of panic and "this is not worth it" upon seeing the huge gains last week, I am proud of myself for getting back on the proverbial wagon. More importantly, I probably actually believe now more than ever that this IS worth it and that my health should remain a priority -- not just because we're entering the new year, but because I am worth it and healthiness is something you don't usually appreciate until it's gone. I, on the other hand, am trying not to take my health for granted, and to enjoy every moment of health that I have.

Down

Man I am down tonight. My eating was atrocious today. I ate:

Breakfast - 1/2 - 3/4 of a Sam's club sized tub o' hummus, 3/4 sleeve Zesta crackers, 3 cups milk.

Lunch - 1.25 lbs King Crab, mashed potatoes (2 potatoes worth, reasonable amount of 1/2 and 1/2 and butter) -- this would have been a legit meal were it not for the lack of vegetables.

Dinner - (this is the worst part) 1 large thin crust Papa John's pizza with onions, sausage, and cheese. THE.WHOLE.THING. Also about 1 L diet Coke.

Sigh. 2010 cannot be my year if I binge like this very often, as I have for the last 2 Sundays.

Although thus far n = 2, I'd say we're starting a trend here -- a trend of bingeing on Sundays that I don't like and must curtail. What is happening? What can I do to stop it?

Well to start, hummus has always been something that I have enjoyed and I think it has now risen to the level of a trigger food. Time to get that out of the house. I don't think I can have it around anymore (though anyone is welcome to invite me over and I will gladly eat some of your hummus, and because of cultural norms I'm unlikely to eat the whole tub when I'm at your house!). Sigh. I didn't even want the crackers I ate with the hummus to be honest. I just felt less gross eating hummus with crackers than doing the finger dip in hummus trick (I guess I'm classing it up in my old age -- I used to not be ashamed to dip my finger in a tub o' frosting! Over and over until the whole thing was gone. Sheesh, I wonder how I ever reached breaths away from being 300 lbs?!).

More fundamentally, I think I am feeling sad and jipped on the weekends. The pressure and volume of work at my job lately does not permit me to have legitimate weekends these days. Yes, I work less on weekends than I do on the weekdays, but I really do resent having to work so much on the weekends. Today, for example, I would bet that I worked 6 hours. That pisses me off. I think I ate partially to deal with that. The thing is, bingeing hurts no one but myself and it puts me in an even deeper funk than just working so much does -- something I definitely don't need/want as baggage to start the week off with! Does anyone have any coping strategies around this one? I think I need to find a way to get this all out. It might be time to start therapy again.

It is still hard to feel like my friend options are so limited. I have made a couple new friends lately, but with most of them (not all) I feel like there is something forced about these friendships. I feel that I can't whine about not having friends if I don't do stuff with people I don't know well (i.e., make attempts to gain friendships), but some of them end up just being such a waste of effort. I feel awkward around them, and not at all like I have the freedom to be myself. I have a hard time justifying spending the time on building these friendships when I am so exhausted and my time is stretched thin to start with. I mean, by Fridays I am usually so spent -- for example, this week I fell asleep this Friday on the couch at 6:30, woke up and went right to bed at 8, was up between midnight and 1, and then slept until around 5:30.

On the weekdays it feels like the busy-ness I experience is justified. I get up early, work hard all day, work out, come home, sometimes work and sometimes don't, pack lunch, pack workout clothes, go to sleep around 10 or 10:30, and get up the next morning and start it all over again. I have (besides the workout time) usually 1-2 hours plus lunch to myself or with work friends. I hate having to give the weekends up too.

You know, another thing that might play into these binges is fear. I used to think it was such a line of BS when people losing weight would talk about being afraid once they started losing the weight. For example, one common thing I would hear from women (especially those who have been in destructive relationships or have trust issues with men) is that once they lose weight, guys start hitting on them again, they freak out, and then they balloon up. While I'm nowhere near the point that this is happening (I still weigh more than 250 lbs people!!!), on some level I do think my recent weight loss has freaked me out a little. The binges might be an attempt to sabotage that. This week I was losing 0.8 lbs everyday. Last week I lost 4.4 lbs. As far as I can tell, I am not doing anything unhealthy -- I work out a lot, I eat all of my WW points (and almost always use all 35 free points and am not shy about using my activity points, although I do like to have a balance of 35 when the week is over). However, I am losing weight at a faster than recommended pace, and that scares me a bit, perhaps to the point that it played into the binge. That is no reason to self sabotage, yet I am doing it.

This post has been all over the place. I do not know what is causing the bingeing. The bingeing bothers me, makes me feel ashamed, is not worth it in the end, and is not healthy for me. But yet I do it anyway. I don't think I know why. I want to cry when I think about it. I am not sure what the void is, but I am using food to fill some kind of void. Food was not meant to fill any sort of a void, and it is unable to do that -- it is simply fuel for my body. I need to figure out what is causing these binges, work to alleviate whatever that is, and STOP IT!!! 2010 is so my year, but it can't be if I sabotage myself like this weekly.

Edited to add - I am usually not one to beg for comments, but I need to tonight. I feel really alone on this one. If you have any hypotheses, experiences or encouragement to share, I would really appreciate it. I am really trying to figure this out and dig myself out of, not deeper into, this funk. If you can't/don't want to comment -- please FB message, text, or e-mail me if you feel so inclined. Thank you so much.

Ugh

Today is not off to a good start. I also binged last Sunday. Maybe it has to do with Sundays? More likely is that it has to do with things in the house I love and have a hard time portioning out. Today's suspect: a tub of hummus.

The good and the bad

The good: I went to the gym yesterday and today. An hour on the elliptical each time. I remember when it used to be such a struggle for me to do even 10 minutes, and now I can rock an hour on medium resistance without even thinking twice about it.

Now the bad: today I could not stop eating. I had a large but reasonable breakfast. For lunch I made a veggie pizza (will post about this later probably). It was good, but after I had 2 pieces I was not full. Nor 3. My stomach was still rumbling and I wasn't even feeling satisfied after half a pizza (a pizza is made with 1.5 cans of crescent rolls so that should have been more than enough food!). I had an apple, figuring the fiber would help. Then I went back to the pizza and, long story short, I ended up eating the whole thing. I felt dirty and ashamed.

I had a moderate to large dinner of leftover shrimp fajitas. I wasn't hungry, but I ate them anyway.

Tomorrow is a new day. I am glad about that. I need a fresh start.

I have so many ideas for posts, but I lack the motivation to write them. Also I am really not feeling the idea of going to work but I have way too much to do so I need to get going. I don't want to post, I don't want to work, I don't want to do much of anything. I have the biggest case of the blahs, seasoned with a tinge of sadness. I hope this doesn't put me over the edge today, on a day where I am already eating out twice (taking my class to lunch to celebrate the end of the semester, and then going to a girls' night for one of the people in the office who is retiring).

Today is not the day to deal with feeling sad by gorging.

Today is not the day to deal with feeling overwhelmed by stuffing myself.

Today is not the day to deal with feeling like a loser by pigging out.

I can do this. Breathe in, breathe out, get breakfast, get dressed, and get to work. Hope the momentum pushes me through.

Blood pressure

My blood pressure was high this morning. 119/89. I need to get back to exercising. I hope I can.

Challenge final update

As you may recall, I talked a really big game about wanting to lose 5 lbs. in two weeks over Thanksgiving. At one point I even declared "I have (kind of) arrived". Well, that didn't stick.

I emerged from Thanksgiving at 256.0. This is well within my control limits, but far short of my goal. I could chalk it up to not being able to exercise for a week because of the back. I could chalk it up to poor eating (for, over the weekend following Thanksgiving, there was a fair amount of that). I could chalk it up to giving up and feeling depressed because of the back/hip issue.

But, I will do none of that. I will instead just admit that I have failed, but be glad that I am down but not out. I will eventually conquer this weight thing. And honestly, for now, maintaining for me is a victory. One that is important and that I will work hard at even though I am sad right now.

Lunch

Today I had Pizza Hut buffet for lunch. I did not practice moderation in the least. Lunch food FAIL. I wish things around here did not bother me as much as they did. Even when they do, though, I cannot let it get me down and I should not numb myself to the pain/annoyance by eating food that is crappy for me.

Victory and Defeat

First of all, my new fancy scale tells me I am continuing to gain muscle and lose fat, even though I have not exercised since Saturday (more on that in a second). Also I got 2 pairs of new pants, both at a size 20. They fit nicely, loose through the waist (but not too loose), and it's great -- especially considering I started this off at size 26, three sizes bigger. I look really skinny in them actually. So those are the victories I'm dealing with around here. Nice to experience victories, that's for sure.

These haven't been without defeat. The root of all of this is that I really messed up my back somehow. I'm not sure how -- I can't point to a moment where I was like "I bent down to pick something up and then I heard this awful crack and fell to the ground in pain." Over the course of Monday it started to hurt more and more and then by Tuesday I could barely sit up. They were so bad I almost cancelled my class, but in the end I toughed it out and made it through class. If I had to guess, my injury is the result of not stretching after surfing. My hamstrings got really tight and maybe they eventually caused lower back spasms.

I noticed yesterday morning while getting ready that I was tilted about 10 degrees to the left -- my right shoulder was 1-2" higher than my left shoulder. It was the weirdest thing. I ended up going to the chiropractor twice yesterday to have this looked at and cracked into place. She helped me quite a bit but I am still not fixed (slight tilt remains) or out of pain, although I am in much less pain than before (and less crooked as well).

Suffice it to say, I've been laying down on my back or side a lot this week. I've been taking muscle relaxers when the pain is really bad and at one point even considered taking some Vicodin. This is significant because I have had this prescription for over 2 years and have never taken it even when in intense pain because I am afraid I will like it a little too much. This time I hurt so bad I didn't even care. I toughed it out, though, so no Vicodin for me.

I haven't been eating that stellar-ly. I ordered pizza and had that, for example. I just don't have many good groceries around (I've been out of town so much!), and I hurt too much to do a major shopping trip and to cook. I also haven't been exercising. I miss it. I just wish I felt better. I hope to be back to at least 95% by the time I leave for my next trip Saturday morning at 6 AM. We'll see.