Friday, March 12, 2010


The original title of this post was "Sick sick sick", but after I started writing it, I decided to retitle it "Guilt".

I am really sick. I have very nearly lost my voice, so teaching today is out of the question. I am really believe it or not bummed about canceling class as I really enjoy my students this semester, and am loving the classes I teach too. Also I feel guilty because my undergrads have an exam a week from Friday and I feel bad about that too. However, there is truly no way I could really teach class today so there is no need feeling guilty.

But yet I do. Guilt is something that I struggle a lot with, not only in the weight loss aspects of my life, but also in virtually every arena. I've gotten better at managing it, but not great.

For example, my eating this week has been pretty bad. Let me explain, first of all, that it is all relative. My eating has been atrocious relative to my recent life of living on plan, tracking religiously, and making sure to eat enough fruits and veggies. I've definitely sucked at basically all of that this week. However, relative to my pre-WW/get healthy days, my eating has probably been a B+. It is all relative. For example, last night I went out between work and seeing a show at the Walton Arts Center (The Jazz at Lincoln Center Orchestra, who were AMAZING and deserve a post of their own. I can even make it WL/healthy living related -- trust me, I thought about how I could plug them on my blog!). I went to Grubs -- a place right next door to the arts center who, at least among my colleagues at work, are known for their excellent cheese fries. Man they are good. I used to order those and make it my lunch. Huh, I wonder how I made it to 299 again?!?

Last night I ordered half an order and had them leave off the queso (they still melt cheese on top). I ordered a burger too, because I wanted protein. I decided on the Philly Burger because I wanted one with veggies on top -- it came with green peppers, onions and mushrooms. When they brought me the burger I thought "OMG there is enough meat here for 3 burgers!!". I used to not even think twice about that. I think I am really starting to readjust my view of what a healthy portion size is. Now, I did eat the whole thing. But the fact that I can even recognize it is certainly a step in the right direction. And attempting to balance my meal (adding veggies and making sure to get protein, and downsizing what it was that I really wanted) was something I would not have done in the old days.

Another thing I feel guilty about is not exercising this week, but this is a guilt I am relatively quick to dismiss. I really don't think that my body needs to spend time exercising right now while it probably needs rest and TLC to recuperate, and I think it was an especially good idea to skip swim class yesterday with all of the congestion I have going on right now.

I think guilt is often an extension of our conscience. We feel guilty because our conscience is telling us not to do something, or that we have made a mistake. In that regard, I think it is healthy. However, there are some times when I think guilt is counterproductive. For example, feeling guilty this week for not exercising I believe is silly since I am so clearly struggling on the health front now. I am just not sure how to manage all of this, but I think managing guilt and finding the healthy level of guilt that keeps us mostly on track but allows us some freedoms is going to be key to living this lifestyle longterm. I will eventually figure it out. And for today, I will try to just get a ton of sleep so I don't think about the guilt and start to feel better.

1 comment:

  1. we just had a speaker at out Mops (Mother of PreSchoolers) meeting that talked about guilt - guilt of parenting, really.. but it still applies here.

    I think your ont he right track, you know you shouldn't feel guilty but it's hard to dismiss. and Our speaker said the first thing you need to do is recognize if it's something you shoudl feel guilty about. Real guilt stems from sin. So if it's not sinful - she pretty much said you need to drop it and cut yourself some slack. Sure we all have regrets, but it just means we need to step back and refocus and prioritize again. It's hard to just drop it, but what's done is done. We're human and God loves us. Period.




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