New Pictures

I really don't have that many pictures from my biggest days. Like many, I ran and hid or looked for any sort of excuse to not be in pictures at the first hint of a camera ("No, let me take the picture!"). I do have a couple though, and maybe there are some more out there besides the ones I have -- but seriously, I really tried to avoid cameras back in the day. And I think to a large degree, I was successful.

I no longer do this, and now I even have a ridiculous number of pictures I've taken of myself either with the long-arm self photo technique, or of me in the mirror from my phone. Anyway, as I uploaded the latest set of pictures from my camera on to my computer, I was surprised at how skinny my face looks. I wanted to dig up a comparison photo and found this one from a trip to NYC in 2008. I bought those pants in the photo on the left prior to my trip because none of my others fit; they were all too tight. The olive green pants were a size 24, and eventually got too tight. Three years and 70 lbs later, I now wear size 16W or 18.

BTW, the picture on the right is of my roommate Katie and I at the Razorbacks game last weekend. Our seats were high up, but it makes for a very scenic picture. Plus, if I had to choose, I'd rather have close seats for the theatre and far seats for the football games -- so I am doing pretty well in life :)

Lots and lots of stuff going on!

I moved into my new house this past weekend with the help of 14 great friends and a 1.25 month old baby. I have to absolutely brag about my friends and how grateful I am for them -- you have to be a great friend to get up at 8 AM to avoid the 105F projected high, and to work in 90F, humid weather to move me out of my second floor apartment. I felt so loved. It sounds cheesy to say that, but seriously I thought in the middle of this "Wow, they are willing to give this huge chunk of their Saturdays for me? And get up so early on Saturday?! And help even though this historically hot weather smothers you the moment you walk outside?!" I was (and am) incredibly grateful for their help, and the spirit behind their help. Beyond the friends who helped with the move itself, there was a friend who stopped by to bring us cold drinks. There was another who watched someone's little daughter because she was pregnant and didn't feel comfortable doing all the lifting, and this freed up two more friends to be able to help. It was a real team effort and I was unspeakably grateful for and humbled by everyone's help. For someone who had a very long and hard season of isolation and crushing loneliness in Arkansas, it was incredible to realize how vast and rich my pool of friends here is now. Again, gratitude is the word that comes to mind -- not only for their help in moving, but for their friendship and for having them in my lives. I am so so blessed and grateful for each of them.

Along these lines, I had a birthday almost two weeks ago now. I think it was the best birthday I've had in probably 10 years. I loved it. My license expired this year so I had to get a new one. It was shocking to compare the new picture with the old. I am so much skinnier looking in this new one; in fact, I could not believe that I had a sleeveless dress on (I didn't think about having to take a license picture when I got dressed that morning -- let's blame my blondness) and that it looks really good in the picture. I then met my friend/new roommate for lunch, ran some more errands, went over to a friend's house (the one with baby Benson, my move in helper), and then met another friend for frozen yogurt where she had a very thoughtful surprise from my mom -- a beautiful bunch of gerbera daisies which are my favorite.

The day was so full (not in an "I'm running around and can't cram a single other thing in the day" kind of way, but in an "I can't believe what a good day this is, and my heart is about to burst" way.). It was only afterward when I reflected on it how different it was from the previous years' birthdays in Arkansas. Previously since I had very few friends in Arkansas, the way I celebrated my birthdays was with food. I'd let myself eat whatever I wanted in whatever amounts I wanted and say that that was just a part of celebrating. In contrast, this year I barely thought about food. Yes, I met friends for lunch/dinner, but food was really in the backdrop and not in the forefront of why we were getting together -- the real reason was to celebrate and have fun together, not to eat for the sake of eating. I thought to myself "THIS is what normal people must feel like around food" -- and it was not lost on me that, at least for the day, I fell into that category of people who were treating food as a part of the background of their lives, not in the starring role. I was amazed and, again, I felt very grateful.

It is incredible to think about how much God has blessed me in the last year, in very unexpected ways. I distinctly remember my birthday last year. I felt probably the worst I have ever felt in my life. I had been diagnosed with depression a few weeks earlier, and somehow putting a label on the emptiness I felt made me even a little sadder. I spent a good chunk of my day crying face down on the floor of my apartment thinking, "This is just not right. Life should not be like this." I was so lonely and sad and I felt utterly defeated. It was on that day that I gave myself permission to leave Arkansas. I cried and thought, "I have no good friends in Arkansas." I felt very strongly the voice of God whispering to me, "I am your friend." It sounds crazy -- well, it is crazy -- but it was unmistakable to me. I cry just writing about it.

I decided I would give myself one year. I would try in earnest to make friends one last time. I had already tried everything I knew to do (and my counselors agreed that the list was long and that I HAD tried a lot) one more time -- and if it didn't work out again this time, I would leave in a year with no guilt and absolutely no remorse.

The move to a place just across town (not out of the state, as I had contemplated a year earlier) and my birthday are a testament to how much God has helped me to make friends here. My friends here have affirmed that I am not weird (at least not enough to justify my having no friends), that I am valued, and that they love me -- and after the drought of local friends, the value of this is immeasurable and I in no way take this for granted.

There are other things I would have never guessed would happen over the last year -- moving in with a roommate after living alone for 10 years, joining a 12-step program, getting a year's extension on my tenure clock -- but I see God's hand in every one and am convinced this is what He has for me in this season of life. I want to learn every lesson and enjoy every day because His plan is best for me.

Just a quick update on life. It is really a great season of life right now, and for this I am unspeakably grateful especially after such a hard three year stretch after I first moved to Arkansas. The fullness and richness of life is certainly not lost on me.

(And by the way, the food part is going pretty well these days too. Again, I'm grateful.)

Loose Clothes

As I've told you before, I've been mainintaining my weight for about a year or so. Recently, I think I've broken that streak and I've started to see the scale trending downward again. Overall, this is a great development.

However, there is something I'd forgotten about losing weight since I hadn't been doing it so long: I forgot that when you lose weight, your clothes don't fit anymore.

At first that was a good thing. I'd been about 230 one other time in grad school -- and from that time, I had some clothes that I really liked. There were a couple of pairs of jeans in particular that I couldn't wait to get back into. Having worn them for a little over a year now, I don't give them too much thought anymore. That's probably because I've been at this weight before, and I've been at 235 +/- 5 lbs for about a year now, allowing me to accumulate a normal wardrobe. Actually, I don't give the idea of clothes overall much thought.

Until Saturday. Here's a picture from Saturday in one of the pink polos I've worn for a year or so (and I love this shirt -- it reminds me of Legally Blonde). As I put it on I thought "Why is this too loose?!?!" In just a second I went from confusion to elation to "Oh crap, this means I will have to buy new clothes again."

I'm now moving into uncharted territory. I haven't been this size or smaller since high school through sophomore year of college. I didn't save any jeans or other clothes from that era, which is probably ok since I am unlikely to be wearing carpenter jeans or tapered leg jeans anyway -- but what that means is that very soon I will have no clothes to wear! I forgot about that part of weight loss. It's not that I mind buying new clothes -- part of me thinks it's fun actually. But I really don't mind it presuming you'll be able to wear them for several months, not that they'll just be transient as you pass through on your way to something smaller.

Overall, it's a good problem to have. I need to focus on that rather than annoyance. On the bright side, I'm currently in an 18 (normal, not W) or sometimes a 16W. The good news is that that means I'm not restricted to stores like Lane Bryant or plus sized sections of department stores. This means both more selection and BETTER PRICES! In addition, these sizes are more likely to be available at consignment shops and thrift stores -- which is great.

Upper Yosemite Falls Trail Hike

Me and Kristi at the bottom of Yosemite Falls. We climbed the whole way up!

So, as I said last post, I did it. I climbed up to the very top of Yosemite Falls and it was really no small feat: 7.6 miles round trip with an elevation gain of 2500 ft (that’s twice the height of the Empire State Building for those keeping track at home). And let me tell you...I don’t think I’ve had a more physically demanding experience in my life, or a physical demand with such a huge emotional high at the end. Let me chronicle the journey for you.

I got up at 3 AM Friday so I could shower and catch my 6 AM flight. I flew to Reno, where I rented a car. Google maps told me I had a 4.5 hour trip to Yosemite ahead of me. What it didn’t know about this trip is that it would actually be 10 hours due to navigational errors and seasonal road closures I wasn’t aware of, and that I’d get the first speeding ticket since I was 18 (I guess we'll be glad for the 13 year streak…). Sigh. I finally made it to Yosemite Friday at 10 PM, and was frustrated, disgruntled and tired. That all went away, though, when I saw my friend Kristi who I hadn’t seen since our November trip to Disney. It is always so very very great to see her, and was even greater when I learned some exciting personal updates about her life! She and I stayed up until 1 AM chatting and catching up – and yes, for those of you keeping track of the time difference, that is a full 24 hours of being awake for me. That’s really not the way I roll (I get 7 hrs of sleep/night like clockwork). It was a small price to pay to see Kristi and to have arrived in such a beautiful place (even though I could not tell it was beautiful under cover of darkness!).

The next morning I woke up at 7:30 AM. The good thing about being so tired was that I acclimated to Pacific time from central with no problem! Kristi and I got a slow start – eating a big breakfast, making sure to pack a healthy lunch and a lot of snacks for our hike, checking out the visitor’s center, seeing Yosemite Falls from the ground – before we finally started up the trail around 12:30. The hike was supposed to take 6-8 hours, so we all figured we’d be fine and back on the ground by sunset around 8 PM. And I would be remiss if I did not mention that the weather was perfect -- very slightly overcast with a high of around 60-65. PERFECT weather to be outside.

An overview of the trail. 135+ switchbacks. 7.6 miles roundtrip. ~2600 ft elevation gain.

When the hike started, I had serious serious stomach issues. I was not feeling well AT ALL and was not even sure the hike was a good idea because I felt so badly. I knew deep down that I would regret it if I did not at least TRY the hike so I decided to go despite stabbing stomach pains. About ¼ - ½ mile into the hike let’s just say the spirit moved in a major way (TMI) and I was feeling a whole lot better. I was glad that I had decided to press on and was now sure that I would make it up the mountain. A little bit later we stopped for lunch. I had the first PBJ I’d had in probably 3-4 years and wow it was great! I also had some fruit and a string cheese, and then we soldiered on up the mountain. The first 1-2 miles were not that bad. Some switchbacks, yes, but the rocks weren't slippery or unstable feeling, and I was grateful for whoever had constructed such a cool trail to the top. We made it to an overlook and I was feeling pretty good. I definitely wasn’t fast, but I thought “I’ve so got this.”

Us at the first big outlook. It is after the first set of switchbacks. A lot of people quit the trail here, but not us!! Great view of Half Dome in the background.

We then hit an odd part of the trail that took us downhill for like ¼ mile. For anyone trying to reach the top of anything (mountain, waterfall, whatever), you know that extended stretches of downhill are not good when your goal is to go uphill. Finally, though, we started to go uphill again. This is where things got bad.

The last part of Upper Yosemite Falls trail is steep, long, and has lots of slippery, unstable rocks. My psoas was spasming with nearly every step I took. It hurt so so badly.

…and this stretch of the trail was where I learned I was not in as good a shape as I thought I was and that my friend Kristi may truly be the most patient person on the planet. I googled it and found that there are more than 135 switchbacks to the top of the falls. I started off able to do 2-3 switchbacks before needing a break. It got to the point where I would need to rest once or twice EACH switchback. Kristi never got annoyed or impatient, and was incredibly encouraging. It was incredible. Although I seriously (and I mean it literally and not for dramatic effect) considered turning back twice, I didn't. And it was due in no small part to Kristi's encouragement. She is such a great friend and was so kind to be so helpful and patient.

This might give you an idea how steep and rocky the trail was. But probably not -- I think you have to see it to believe it.

Finally we made it to the top. And would you believe I did not get a single picture? I am virtually certain we had some taken, but I think the camera was switched to the wrong setting because I'll be darned if I didn't get to the bottom and learn that we had no pictures. So so sad.

But I will never forget it at the top. To actually get to the overlook you had to go over these extremely scary stairs (with no guard rail) cut out of the side of a rock face. Despite my exhaustion and fear of heights, I DID IT and Kristi and I enjoyed a beautiful dinner at the top around 5:30. We enjoyed it and I almost cried because I was so proud of myself. It was a full circle moment to have made it to the top of the falls; the fact that I used to not be able to climb a single flight of stairs without getting winded certainly wasn't lost on me.

Scary scary stairs to get to the overlook -- yes, you had to go downhill after climbing and climbing uphill. Crazy. But serious gratitude and props to those who made this trail and these stairs!!!

The way back down? I thought it would be a lot easier than it was. And I definitely thought it would be a lot faster than the way up. I will say this: it killed my knees and we didn't make it to the bottom until 9:30. Fortunately I had bought a headlamp and I had it with me because, even with the headlamp, it was one of the scariest things I'd done in my life. However, we made it unscathed and I was so so proud.

View from the top of the Falls. Yes, I stole this picture from someone online (as I did with the pictures of the trail and the stairs).

And more than being proud I was sore. My psoas was killing me (the uphills). My hamstrings killed me (the uphills). My quads killed me (the downhills). My knees killed me (the downhills). My back was killing me (the stress and exhaustion and the fact that I just have back problems). It. was. rough.

I thought I would be ravenous but honestly I just wanted to go to stretch and go to bed. I did have some pizza, but only two or three pieces -- my body just was not up for more, despite the fact that I'd done 9 hours of hiking. I thought I'd go to bed and sleep for 12 hours; however, I just slept for 7. I guess that's all my body wanted/needed. Strange.

I will say that this is the toughest thing I think I've ever done physically. I felt pushed to and past my limits. Though I wanted to die at times, I made it. And it was sooo worth it. I won't forget it. It makes me want to get in shape and be able to breeze up the falls next time -- and I will be SURE to get a picture before I leave :)

It's been a year

It was around this time last year that I weighed in at 235. It was the lowest I'd been on the WL train thus far (this time around). This weight is also significant in that it was the weight I maintained the first time I lost weight -- more correctly, I stalled out around 229.5, gained a little over Christmas, and maintained at 235 for several months.

This week, I once again weighed in at 235. In this last year, I've been as low as 228.4, as high as 240.4 and have bounced in between these two weights in the 235+/-5 window. Perhaps a classic case of "the more things change, the more they stay the same." So how do I feel about that?

Actually, I don't really know, but I lean more towards feeling good about it than feeling bad. But let's start by getting the negatives out of the way.

I know that for a person who is my height (5'8"), that 235 is not a healthy weight. I know that I still struggle very heavily with compulsive overeating and that there is progress to be made on that front. I feel somewhat frustrated that I'm about 50 lbs heavier than the weight that I think is probably healthy for my body and that it's been an entire year since I've lost weight. That part is sad/frustrating/annoying.

Before I go on -- I must acknowledge that this is NOT a plateau. To me, a plateau is when you're doing everything right (at least to the best of your knowledge) -- exercising, following your food plan, etc -- and the scale isn't moving. The fact that I haven't lost weight is due to my decision to not follow the Weight Watchers program consistently, my not being as diligent about exercise as I have been in the past, and succumbing to the occasional binge. I KNOW what it takes to lose weight, and in the past year I've either done it inconsistently or sometimes not at all. And THAT'S why I haven't lost weight -- not because my body is confused or I'm starving myself or anything like that. I accept responsibility for my decisions, and am working to change the dysfunctional thought patterns that underly those decisions so that I can once again make progress.

However, like I said, the larger part of me is proud/happy/optimistic about what I've done with my weight the past year. I have dealt with depression and a lot of anxiety about my career and future. In the past, food would have been my primary source of comfort to deal with these issues; now I more often turn to friends and to God (although food is always there and still gets abused sometimes). I also have just in the past few months have made several realizations that are critical to my longterm succcess, thanks in large part to OA and a book I'm reading called Made to Crave. The biggest realization is that not only do I not have to do this alone, I really can't do this alone -- I must seek help from God if I am truly to recover from using food as a substitute for strength, love, comfort, and hope. And that fills me with unspeakable optimism.

On a pragmatic note, I must acknowledge that I have gone down a size in the past year despite my weight staying the same. I think this is because I work out and I've converted some fat to muscle. I must also admit that I think this is the first time I've ever maintained a weight for a year. While one might see that as a negative, as someone who has either lost or gained a significant (10+ lbs) of weight each and every year of her adult life, I see a year of maintenance as both extremely significant and extremely positive. A year of maintenance puts me one step closer to stopping the madness of gaining gaining gaining or losing a significant amount of weight each year, and so I am extremely proud of that.

I'll leave you with pictures of me from last year this time at 235 (black shirt) and this year (blue tanktop and bad posture). I see a little bit of a change on the side view and I think my face looks skinnier (more pronounced chin), but other than that they look kind of similar to me. I can, however, assure you that those pants fit much better now which means that even though I may not see it, I know progress is being made.

And yes, that's a calendar year of concerted effort to grow my hair. Curly. hair. grows. so. slowly!!!

Picture and the Big Picture

I've been on this journey approaching 2 years now. Sometimes I forget the big picture. I know I'm worlds healthier than when I started. I know that I am both smaller and more in shape...but sometimes I forget how far I've come.

When I think about it hard, I remember some things -- that I used to get winded walking up the hill in front of the building where I work, that I could barely fit in airplane seats and seats at the old movie theatre, that I'd be out of breath walking up a flight of stairs -- but honestly, I think I've blocked a lot of it out. I also think that part of this is due to the HEAVY denial that I was in for such a long time. Even when I weighed 300 lbs, I think that I thought I looked good and was not that fat. I was lying to myself only.

Anyway, I forget how far I've come sometimes. Then someone sends me a picture like this...one that I don't even think I realized anyone was taking...

...and I remember. Wow, I don't want to go back.

Non-Scale Victory!!!

Notice anything special about what I'm wearing in this picture? No?

Well, there is something very special about these clothes. They aren't plus size. They're 18, not 18Ws! Earlier this month I ordered for the first time in ages -- probably since 2000, literally 10 years -- a bunch of clothes that weren't plus sized. There have been a few times I have bought something on sale that I thought would fit later that wasn't plus sized, or times I've made mistakes and gotten the wrong size (unintentionally) that were not plus sized. However, this order was completely intentional. And, I was a little surprised but 100% delighted when my new goodies all fit!

A new chapter in this WL journey. Now when I get to size 14, it will be like a whole new world because I will be able to shop in almost any store. Goodbye Lane Bryant!! It's been real.

What a difference a year makes....

Christmas 2010 (L) vs. Christmas 2009 (R)

There's about a 30 lb. difference. Sometimes I minimize that (e.g. "less than a lb. a week?! that is nothing!!" or "You're still considered obese!"), but I really shouldn't and I am going to stop that. It is negative self talk and, for those of you who know me in real life, you know I would not allow someone else to talk to me like that!

In the past year, I've overcome depression, dealt with 3 bouts of back issues that leave me unable to even sit up too long and exercise, and dealt with family issues/drama.

I have also made a new group of friends and lost 30 lbs. I have discovered that I love cycling and have ridden about 500 cathartic miles on my bike. I have learned a lot about myself and about life and my ability to persevere.

Probably the most important thing I am learning now is that I WANT to do this. I am not doing this because I should. I am not doing this because of the dire consequences of what will happen if I don't do this. I am doing this -- this healthy living thing -- because I want to enjoy a life where my body and health do not inhibit me from doing the things that I want to do. It makes saying no to food easier about 80% of the time, because it's not saying "No" to something desirable like a brownie, but rather saying "Yes" to the ability to walk around all day without getting tired or being able to shop in a "normal" store and not be banished to Lane Bryant or a plus sized section.

Now that's not to say I don't eat brownies or cheese or other treats, but I just have to be more judicious in my choices and not shovel everything in my trap or use food as a crutch so I don't have to deal with how I'm really feeling. I am nowhere near "there" but moderation is becoming a concept I can understand and am starting to employ after years - YEARS - of disordered eating and abusing food.

I look forward to another year of progress. Game on 2011!

Real Food

During my trip to Missouri we went to Amish country. There, we bought several goodies including milk and eggs. We made both yogurt cheese from the milk. The milk was simultaneously the most delicious and the most rich milk I have consumed in my life. I also bought the BEST cream cheese (freshly made of course) I have EVER eaten.

Me, making cheese with our milk from Amish country. It was so good (and I must acknowledge the help I received from Esra's mom -- THANK YOU!!!)

While I was in Columbia, we ate really well -- but differently than I usually eat. We ate a lot of cheese (no complaints from me!). These guys also ate a lot of stuff containing olive oil and yogurt. I eat this stuff too (some of my favorites actually), but there is a difference: everything I ate at my hosts' house was full fat. Full fat yogurt; no concern for using a bit of extra olive oil.

I'm not going to lie, this freaked me out at first. However, when I returned from the trip I only gained 0.2 lbs (which is nothing considering the rich food I ate). I also returned with a different mindset.

God made foods as whole fat foods. Cheese is generally made to be full fat; lesser-fat versions are just more processed. I don't generally love the modified/processed foods like the (formerly) 1 pt. english muffins -- why is taking all of the fat out of milk any different? It is just processing the milk into an unnatural state.

I am not sure what changes I will make to my diet, but I am going to be less quick to buy the reduced fat versions of things, and the reduced fat versions of things that taste gross are DONE! It is better to have a little of something that I really enjoy than to have more of something that is processed and unnatural and not even all that appealing.

I am going to try to eat more REAL food, and less processed stuff (even though I did this to a large extent already).

My First 5K

The morning of Thanksgiving, I went to do my first 5K. It was called the Turkey Trax, and I had found out about it online. It was in the low 30s the day of the race (not remarkable for my friends and past life up north, but I now consider it unseasonably cold weather for where I live), so I dressed in layers.

I was proud of my decision to register for this 5K. My registration was significant for a few reasons...

1. I sought this out. It wasn't something that I had a bunch of friends participating in and I decided to tag along. I did the research, found out about something happening in a town 5 hrs away from where I usually live but where I would be on Thanksgiving, and registered.
2. It was my first 5K. I really didn't know what to expect - would this be a "fun run" where there wasn't much pressure? Would this be super competitive? Would there be walkers or just runners? I wasn't sure, but decided I didn't care: I would try anyway, letting the chips fall where they may.
3. This represents a shift in my priorities. Thanksgiving is another day; exercise and healthy living is no less important on one day than any other. Now, I'm not saying it's not ok to indulge every once in awhile (holiday or otherwise) and in fact I did indulge food-wise on this day; however, it is important for me day in and day out to make healthy living a priority, and this 5K is one way that I did just that.

So how did I do? I'd say the answer is mixed. I had entertained the idea of trying to run/walk it. I decided I would stretch a lot both before and after, but would just see how in shape I was if I decided to go after this run/walk idea with no training whatsoever. That ended up not happening because early in the walk my back started to hurt. I was walking relatively quickly, but was not jogging. I was happy I listened to my body and did not push the running thing.

I finished the 5K in 49:09, which means my pace was 15:49/mile. I finished 424th of the 448 people who participated. Though my stats are unremarkable (maybe even poor), the decision to participate at all is something I am so so proud of.

Thanksgiving

I spent this Thanksgiving with some friends in Columbia, Missouri. I was supposed to go visit them last year for Thanksgiving, but my back problems were terrible and I just could not sit up for that long to drive to visit them. This year I was happy to be able to make the trip. I not only got to see several good friends from graduate school, I got to meet for the first time a baby that one couple had! He was adorable and at 6 weeks had the most hair for a 6 week old that I have ever seen as well.

Before I left for Missouri (I was supposed to leave the Wednesday before Thanksgiving), I talked to my friend about menu planning and shopping. He was very unconcerned about it, figuring it would all come together at the last minute which was sort of fine with me. He did not share my concern that the grocery store would be out of the staples for a traditional meal. In fact, he went to far as to say, "The important thing is not the food; the important thing is that we are together for Thanksgiving and able to be together." Ouch. Point taken.

A bit of background - the friends at this occasion were a married Indian vegetarian couple and a married Turkish halal-eating couple (similar to the idea of kosher, but for Muslims), and myself - a dyed in the wool midwestern omnivore and a self-diagnosed recovering food addict. Point being? Finding a meal with something for everyone -- protein for the vegetarians, etc -- was not going to be easy to start with even with unlimited resources/time at the grocery store.

So how did it go? It was without a doubt the most disorganized Thanksgiving I had ever been a part of. We did not send our first delegation to the grocery store until 3 PM on Thanksgiving day (mind you, guests were scheduled to arrive for dinner at 7 PM). The first trip to the grocery store resulted in some forgotten items, so I was sent on a second trip to the store around 4 PM. I was so stressed out and ended up coping with that with food (not proud of the choice, but it was progress in that the transgressions were much more minor than past food-related transgressions). A halal turkey could not be located, so chicken was substituted.

I have to give everyone credit. The meal really did turn out wonderfully and amazingly only 15-30 minutes after the originally scheduled dinner time of 7, everything was ready! Everything except the chicken was vegetarian, and everything tasted good.

Above is a picture of my plate. I did go back for seconds of the carrots and mashed potatoes, I had a piece of pumpkin pie (a sliver) and a cheesecake/sour cream dessert, and a small scoop modified watergate salad. I felt, for having skipped lunch because of a late and large breakfast, I controlled things very well. I was happy with how I did.

Progress Pics

Here is a picture I took about a week ago (on the left). It's been awhile since I've posted progress pictures. Interestingly, I took a set of pictures in the same place (locker room at the gym) in the same outfit in May (on the right). I have "only" lost 5 lbs since then (I weighed 242 in May and 237 this week), but it is amazing how much working out has changed the composition of my body. The difference is remarkable, even to me.

Austin and turning a Corner

I had a great time in Austin at my conference. I met some new people, learned about new stuff going on in my field, and connected with old friends. I really love to do that.

I made several really significant choices that made me realized "Huh, my life has changed and this is totally doable." It was as though I had turned a corner on the trip. Let me give you some examples.

• I packed healthy bars (e.g., Larabars), a bag of apples, and beef jerky for breakfasts and snacks. I felt I would be in better control than leaving these meals to fate. Don't get me wrong, I still love bagels, sausage, eggs, and all kinds of other breakfast foods, but to be honest I didn't really miss not having them and felt 100% satisfied by my breakfasts (once I got a bottle of milk).
• I went out to dinner a lot (what other options are there in a new place with no kitchen?), and a couple of times split things with friends. I knew that ordering a whole plate for myself wouldn't have anything to do with hunger (there is almost always way too much food at restaurants), and I was not sad about this decision. Turns out the food at one restaurant (BBQ) was kind of gross and I ended up leaving the part I didn't like behind. That would have NEVER happened in the past. Mashed potatoes -- whether they were gross or not -- would have been inhaled. Not this time.
• The gym at the hotel was $15 a day to use. I HATE THAT AND VERY LITTLE IRKS ME MORE THAN PAYING $200/DAY FOR A HOTEL AND THEN HAVING TO PAY FOR THE GYM ON TOP OF THAT!!! Instead of using this as an excuse not to work out, I got up at 5 each morning and went for a long walk. It was actually nice to have a chance to explore Austin (and I felt safe doing so), so it ended up to be a good thing since I was otherwise at the conference venue most of the day.
• I felt like I had reasonable control over balancing treats and eating healthy. I came back very very sodium waterlogged, but did not otherwise have a significant weight change, which was great.
• I went out to lunch and one day ordered a side of veggies instead of fries -- not because I felt like I should, but because I wanted to and was concerned my body was not getting enough fiber. I thought to myself as I did it "OMG is this really happening or am I having an out of body experience?!"
• I realized I needed a lot less sleep than I used to. Remember how I wanted to get a bunch of sleep for my upcoming trip? Totally didn't happen. Most nights I slept 5-6 hours. I usually sleep about 7 hours. In spite of the lack of sleep, I did fine. I was surprised but happy to learn that I don't need as much sleep as I thought.
• (This one is huge) I did not once eat in secret. I did not pig out because I could or because I felt like I had an excuse of being out of town. This is huge for me. I thought "Huh, this must be how normal people eat...not that I'd really know."

I've posted a couple pictures of me at the conference. These are significant not only because I look smaller than I did last year at this conference, but also because I bought this shirt last year for the same conference but it ended up being to small. This year it was not. I was ecstatic to be able to wear it. Hopefully next year it might even be loose!

I think for me the reason that this trip was so significant was because I felt very at peace with food. I didn't think about it all that much. I thought about the real reasons I was at the conference, and none of them were to eat. I rarely thought about food other than when I was hungry. For someone with such a hugely dysfunctional past with food, this is huge. I was delighted to feel like I had turned some kind of a corner on this trip. I actually felt normal, which is a very comforting feeling after having felt so weird around food for so long.

Progress in Pictures

My mom came for a visit a few weekends ago. We had a great time, got a good amount of activity in, and didn't really go overboard in the food department. It was a good visit and it was nice to have time to spend together.

One of the things we did was go hiking in Lost Valley. I have been there before, but it was weird that the creek bed was COMPLETELY dry and Eden Falls was nothing but a trickle (see pictures from my last post -- that is NOT normal!)

One of the neat things on the trail is a tree that is basically hollow inside where you can get in and have someone take a picture. The picture on the left was taken a year ago yesterday, when I thought for sure I would be able to fit into the tree but was unable to. The picture on the right was taken October 16 when I thought "Oh right, the tree I don't fit into - I'll give it a shot anyway" and I slipped right in. Sometimes it feels like this journey is taking forever. Sometimes the lack of progress is frustrating. But, sometimes I see a couple pictures or realize I can do an hour of Zumba AND bike there and back and not feel all that tired and I realize "Girlfriend, you may not be there yet but you have come a LOOOOOOOOONG way." On these days I am really proud.

Reclaiming and emptying my closet

As I lose weight, I am constantly amazed by some of the stuff I am finding in my closet -- some stuff I forgot existed, some stuff I had written off ever wearing again, and some stuff which were my go to clothes when I was a size 26 that is now even laughable to look at.

This outfit tells an amazing story. The first year I had my job, I went home for Christmas. On that trip, my mom, brother, and I took a trip to visit Pitt, my undergraduate alma mater. I stocked up on a bunch of clothes. The truth is, they did not have too many 2XLs, so I bought some XL stuff figuring it would work. Well, the truth is, it didn't work and the other truth is that it certainly didn't work after I gained another 20-40 lbs. Crap, now I had all of these beautiful, barely worn clothes that I could not wear!

There is one particular shirt that I bought that was really comfortable. It was a workout/breathable shirt that was amazingly soft. The problem is that although it was stretchy and I could wear it very comfortably, I looked like a stuffed sausage in it. There was no way I would ever wear that thing in public. Ever. Or so I thought.

Last spring, I tried this shirt on again after a long hiatus in the back of the closet. It fit! It didn't look totally amazing, but it looked passable as long as I wore a spanx shirt underneath. This picture that is shown above was taken on Sunday. No Spanx, and it is loose! This shirt I had written off as a possibility is now loose and can be worn in public with no problem!!

Tonight I did another trip through the closet, and got rid of another 2 garbage bags of clothes. While it is kind of sad to see them go, it is the right decision. I hope someone else can get good use out of them.

There is one thing I keep though: a single pair of size 26 pants that I used to wear. I don't want to forget or minimize where it is that I've come from.

Progress Pictures - July 2010

Today I was at a place with great full length mirrors perfect for taking progress pictures. I couldn't resist.

Despite having a lousy time with food lately, several folks I hadn't seen in awhile told me "OMG you are looking great." Although it's tough to do a direct comparison when not wearing the exact same clothes, I would have to agree with them based on a comparison to my last set of progress pictures and obviously compared to my starting point.

Gun Show Update and Pictures for my Mom

I have not spoken much about my gun show goal in awhile. There are a few reasons. The first is that I haven't been training like I want to be. Because I reinjured my SI joint, it is tough for me to bend down and bend over correctly. This makes it tough to do the Body Pump class I had been doing twice a week -- my favorite and primary way to lift weights. Although I have been doing other weight lifting activities, they're ad hoc and probably not as frequent as they should be. I do believe I have a serious set of guns, but unfortunately they're buried in fat. I believe to seriously rock the gun show, I need to continue to work on both the lifting and losing weight. While I continue to work on both initiatives, the injury is making it tough to lift in the way that I want and as much as I want. Nonethless, I soldier on though I am careful not to push it too much so as to hurt myself worse than I already am.

Despite not being able to progress as quickly toward this goal as I'd like, I am proud to report that I am no longer embarrassed to walk around with sleeveless shirts. In fact, I mentioned that during the conference I attended, I wore mostly sleeveless stuff. Crazy, right? Here is a picture of me that I took today in my gun show dress. I can tell a significant difference from the before pictures, particularly in my face and I have to say that I think my legs look great too. (I should have been more careful to pose in the same way in both pictures, but I forgot how I posed in the before pics and I took these in the JC Penney's dressing room to use their full length mirror and I am too lazy to go back again to take more pics). Also, notice how misaligned my hips are (caused by the SI crap- I am not straight up and down, but my hips push out toward the right and smash my sciatic nerve. Ouch.)

February 28, 2010 (L) - 248 lbs.

versus

June 12, 2010 (R) - 235 lbs.

I also wanted to post a closer-up pic of the hair for my mom. I took the braids out just a half hour ago because I have a big meeting in Little Rock on Monday where this isn't really an appropriate look, but they were cute and fun while they lasted.

And notice, almost no double chinnage now! Hip hop hooray!

Progress Pictures

I have turned into a terrible blogger, but this is because I have been busy doing real work (i.e., for my job) and out enjoying my life. I wish I had time to do it all, but I am realizing I don't and that certain things are going to fall by the wayside...and that that has to be ok for right now.

Something clicked late last week for me. I wanted to eat healthy. I just don't want to eat most processed junk right now. I want real food. It tastes better, and actually serves as real fuel for my body. I am still not tracking (not a great Weight Watcher), but I am confident that I will begin that again soon.

I wanted to post a couple progress pictures. In preparation, I was looking through some old pictures I've posted on the blog. Although I've come a long way, I still think every time I see these pictures "Man I've got a long way to go!" I am drawn toward looking at my belly, how if I don't stand right I still have two chins, etc. Nonetheless here are some pictures from yesterday.

I felt really skinny yesterday. I think it is the jeans and the fact that the shirt is black. Whatever it is, I'll take it (and a healthy dose of it, please!)

When I look back through the pictures I posted, I have really mixed feelings. Same with the blog entries. For example, I saw that a little over two months ago I weighed 6 lbs more than I do now. Part of me thinks "Geez, what a waste of two months. Only six freaking pounds?! What am I wasting my time on?! Get it together girl, and get that scale moving!!"

The other part of me thinks, "You know, six pounds in two months. That is great! Two years ago, you would have been gaining weight, and probably at that rate. You're fitter than you were 2 months ago, and you're making the real changes you need to to make this a lifestyle change."

So which of these two voices in my head is right? Probably both of them are. I could definitely be doing a better job at this. I could definitely lose the weight faster, and should definitely have fed myself less crap (i.e., food with little to no nutritive value). However, I think any progress in the downward direction is good. I will work to be at peace with myself, and continue to press on toward my bigger goals (riding 1000 miles this summer and working on that gun show).

Try try again

I used to hate failing. It's not that I relish it now, don't misunderstand, but failure now motivates me more than it used to, specifically with regards to athleticism and getting in shape.

You guys know if you've been reading the blog that I am recently obsessed with biking. Last week I made the plunge and decided to get a road bike. I have yet to name her, but I am leaning towards the name Carina which means "dear little one" or Eloise which means "very healthy and sound".

I decided to do it up and, in addition to getting a very nice entry level road bike, to get clipless pedals too. Real cyclists say that this is important to improve the transfer of power between your legs and the bike (allowing you to transfer power as you pull the pedals up in addition to just when you push the pedals down), so I decided why not?

The first day I got my bike I was really excited to ride it. The bike shop installed the pedals on my bike and the clips on my shoes, taught me how to clip in and clip out on a trainer (basically something that makes your bike like a stationary bike), and told me I'd want to go home and practice clipping in and out.

I took their advice. Foolishly, I decided to practice on an asphalt parking lot. Bad idea.

After I fell the first time, I decided that surely it was a fluke and if I just tried again I would not fall. Although I was humbled, I would not quit. I just spent a good chunk of change on this bike, and I will be using it darn it! I leaned up against the car, clipped in, and then practiced clipping in and out while leaning against the car. Once I felt more confident and comfortable, I did laps around the parking lot. I rode for 2.2 miles, pushing me over the fativersary goal I set for myself. I was happy. As I pulled up to my car, I had successfully clipped out my right foot and figured I was home free and would not fall.

Wrong. Fell again. Busted up the other leg, and got some scraped elbow as a bonus. I was humbled, and decided to quit for the day (it was getting dark and I was starving since I was just coming from the gym and it was about 8).

Well, last week was crazy. Truly truly crazy -- so crazy that I did not get another chance to practice riding my bike. However, I did get to watch a couple hours of TV (Survivor and Biggest Loser). As I watched, I leaned against the bar that separates my kitchen and living room. I clipped in. I clipped out. In. Out. In. Out. 3 hrs (-the commercials) worth.

Eventually it became more natural feeling and maybe even reflexive. It got easier to do. I decided I was ready to take it to the parking lot again. Yesterday the weather was rainy and crappy all day, but today I got to spend a half hour or so in the same parking lot, practicing. One of my students taught me a trick to clipless pedals. It is pretty genius and I wondered why I didn't think of myself. Here's the trick: clip in with one foot like usual. Use that foot to start pedaling and get going pretty well -- fast enough so that you can coast. Once you get going, then use the coasting time to clip the other foot in.

I decided to try this, and was kind of afraid I was going to fall. I didn't!!! I started, I stopped. Clipped in, clipped out. Repeat, repeat, repeat. I was proud of myself.

Eventually I decided I needed to try crazier maneuvers -- for example, keeping one foot clipped in like I stopped at a stop sign and then would need to start again. The first time I tried this, I was so so sure (and disappointed) that I was going to fall. To my surprise, my left foot realized that we were going down and in a moment of reflexive genius, twisted and unclipped. I was grateful to avoid another week of Neosporin and scabs. I had one other close call too, but was able to use the weird instinctive nature that took over. Those three hours of practicing while watching TV paid off!

I'm still not convinced I'm ready for primetime yet. I live on the top of a big hill. It's big enough that I reach 25ish MPH going down the hill in my heavy cruiser. Worse than that, there is a freaking stoplight at a busy intersection about a third of the way down said hill. How am I possibly going to swing that without falling?! I will figure it out, and I WILL do it! And I WILL get back up the hill too! I usually walk the cruiser up, but with 10 gears on my new bike there is no reason why I should do that anymore. I will definitely blog about it when my roadbike gets, you know, some time on the road. Or at *LEAST* a bike trail. Anywhere but a parking lot or my hallway, for the love.

I wrote this blog to say that I am proud of myself. In the past, I would have let my failure be another excuse to sit on my butt. I would have used it to reinforce my idea that activity sucks, and that I'd better just sit this one out. That sedentary lifestyles were really the way to go. I mean, fat people don't break bones -- only the crazies on their mountain bikes and climbing rocks and such. (Never mind the fact that they rarely keel over dead of heartattacks).

The problem was that years of sitting out time after time had really impeded my ability to live life to the fullest and, if I wasn't careful, to live life at all. Yes, my obesity was going to kill me. It already had killed my spirit.

Now that I am living life again, I don't get nearly as afraid when I fail. Now I let it push me. It motivates me to work and work until I conquer something. This girl is back in the game.

Now I'm not under the illusion that I am going to be Lance Armstrong-ette (minus the doping of course), but I am confident that I *will* be a competent to good road biker by the end of the summer. I will have damn good legs too. You can already see a bit of definition in my quads but by the end of the summer -- watch out!

Commit to Fit wrapup, Measurements, and Progress Pictures

This semester, I participated in a program called Commit to Fit. They had several strength training sessions throughout the week, and did an initial, midterm, and final assessment of body composition and weight over the course of the midweek program.

In parallel, I also decided to take initial measurements and final measurements. Over the course of the program, I lost 16 lbs. Their measurement says that my body fat percentage remained the same (which by the way is still good given that my overall weight decreased), but my scale says that my body fat percentage has decreased and my muscle weight percentage has increased.

Most encouraging, though, is the fact that I lost 13.25" in 10 weeks. Can you believe that?! I have lost 1.5" on each arm, as I continue to push toward that August 1 gun show goal.

I took another set of progress pictures.

This shirt is too baggy for you to really see what is going on, but things look much better underneath, I promise. What I can tell you, though, is that when I started this journey I could not even wear this shirt in public as it was too tight to look decent. (Also, my posture in the second picture is terrible. Although 4.25" of the 13.25 did come from the chest, I promise the situation is not as bleak as it appears. I came directly from the gym in this picture, and that Enell sports bra is really doing its job of keeping the ladies confined - I wholeheartedly recommend that bra to well-endowed active ladies.)

I think you can see a lot of improvement since the beginning of the year. My face looks skinnier. My midsection is shrinking, right along with my chest. My arms too. Everything is toning up. Gotta keep the progress moving!