New Low

This morning I weighed 228.0, eclipsing my old low of 228.4. The funny thing is that I'm learning that just like food and my attitude toward it don't define me, my weight doesn't either. The next thing that needs to go is my identity as a former fat girl. I sometimes still think of myself that way (often?). It's not that I think it's bad to remember where I've come from; I think that's good/important. It's more that it should not define me -- moving it out of who I think I am at my core.

Now here's the thing -- every other time I've hit a new low in the last year, there is some sort of self sabotage involved (see picture above). It's never conscious and it's always subtle, but it's always been there. Soon after I get to a new low, I get sloppy or gain weight or something. I need to figure out why and not do it now. After all, if weight doesn't define me, why should it dictate my behavior? It shouldn't.

I am cautiously optimistic that this is the week I can break the cycle. I will be praying about this with my higher power. If you are into such things, would you mind praying for me too? I hope to have good news to share soon. Hopefully this is the time where I can break through this maintenance phase I've (unintentionally) been in for the last year.

Upper Yosemite Falls Trail Hike

Me and Kristi at the bottom of Yosemite Falls. We climbed the whole way up!

So, as I said last post, I did it. I climbed up to the very top of Yosemite Falls and it was really no small feat: 7.6 miles round trip with an elevation gain of 2500 ft (that’s twice the height of the Empire State Building for those keeping track at home). And let me tell you...I don’t think I’ve had a more physically demanding experience in my life, or a physical demand with such a huge emotional high at the end. Let me chronicle the journey for you.

I got up at 3 AM Friday so I could shower and catch my 6 AM flight. I flew to Reno, where I rented a car. Google maps told me I had a 4.5 hour trip to Yosemite ahead of me. What it didn’t know about this trip is that it would actually be 10 hours due to navigational errors and seasonal road closures I wasn’t aware of, and that I’d get the first speeding ticket since I was 18 (I guess we'll be glad for the 13 year streak…). Sigh. I finally made it to Yosemite Friday at 10 PM, and was frustrated, disgruntled and tired. That all went away, though, when I saw my friend Kristi who I hadn’t seen since our November trip to Disney. It is always so very very great to see her, and was even greater when I learned some exciting personal updates about her life! She and I stayed up until 1 AM chatting and catching up – and yes, for those of you keeping track of the time difference, that is a full 24 hours of being awake for me. That’s really not the way I roll (I get 7 hrs of sleep/night like clockwork). It was a small price to pay to see Kristi and to have arrived in such a beautiful place (even though I could not tell it was beautiful under cover of darkness!).

The next morning I woke up at 7:30 AM. The good thing about being so tired was that I acclimated to Pacific time from central with no problem! Kristi and I got a slow start – eating a big breakfast, making sure to pack a healthy lunch and a lot of snacks for our hike, checking out the visitor’s center, seeing Yosemite Falls from the ground – before we finally started up the trail around 12:30. The hike was supposed to take 6-8 hours, so we all figured we’d be fine and back on the ground by sunset around 8 PM. And I would be remiss if I did not mention that the weather was perfect -- very slightly overcast with a high of around 60-65. PERFECT weather to be outside.

An overview of the trail. 135+ switchbacks. 7.6 miles roundtrip. ~2600 ft elevation gain.

When the hike started, I had serious serious stomach issues. I was not feeling well AT ALL and was not even sure the hike was a good idea because I felt so badly. I knew deep down that I would regret it if I did not at least TRY the hike so I decided to go despite stabbing stomach pains. About ¼ - ½ mile into the hike let’s just say the spirit moved in a major way (TMI) and I was feeling a whole lot better. I was glad that I had decided to press on and was now sure that I would make it up the mountain. A little bit later we stopped for lunch. I had the first PBJ I’d had in probably 3-4 years and wow it was great! I also had some fruit and a string cheese, and then we soldiered on up the mountain. The first 1-2 miles were not that bad. Some switchbacks, yes, but the rocks weren't slippery or unstable feeling, and I was grateful for whoever had constructed such a cool trail to the top. We made it to an overlook and I was feeling pretty good. I definitely wasn’t fast, but I thought “I’ve so got this.”

Us at the first big outlook. It is after the first set of switchbacks. A lot of people quit the trail here, but not us!! Great view of Half Dome in the background.

We then hit an odd part of the trail that took us downhill for like ¼ mile. For anyone trying to reach the top of anything (mountain, waterfall, whatever), you know that extended stretches of downhill are not good when your goal is to go uphill. Finally, though, we started to go uphill again. This is where things got bad.

The last part of Upper Yosemite Falls trail is steep, long, and has lots of slippery, unstable rocks. My psoas was spasming with nearly every step I took. It hurt so so badly.

…and this stretch of the trail was where I learned I was not in as good a shape as I thought I was and that my friend Kristi may truly be the most patient person on the planet. I googled it and found that there are more than 135 switchbacks to the top of the falls. I started off able to do 2-3 switchbacks before needing a break. It got to the point where I would need to rest once or twice EACH switchback. Kristi never got annoyed or impatient, and was incredibly encouraging. It was incredible. Although I seriously (and I mean it literally and not for dramatic effect) considered turning back twice, I didn't. And it was due in no small part to Kristi's encouragement. She is such a great friend and was so kind to be so helpful and patient.

This might give you an idea how steep and rocky the trail was. But probably not -- I think you have to see it to believe it.

Finally we made it to the top. And would you believe I did not get a single picture? I am virtually certain we had some taken, but I think the camera was switched to the wrong setting because I'll be darned if I didn't get to the bottom and learn that we had no pictures. So so sad.

But I will never forget it at the top. To actually get to the overlook you had to go over these extremely scary stairs (with no guard rail) cut out of the side of a rock face. Despite my exhaustion and fear of heights, I DID IT and Kristi and I enjoyed a beautiful dinner at the top around 5:30. We enjoyed it and I almost cried because I was so proud of myself. It was a full circle moment to have made it to the top of the falls; the fact that I used to not be able to climb a single flight of stairs without getting winded certainly wasn't lost on me.

Scary scary stairs to get to the overlook -- yes, you had to go downhill after climbing and climbing uphill. Crazy. But serious gratitude and props to those who made this trail and these stairs!!!

The way back down? I thought it would be a lot easier than it was. And I definitely thought it would be a lot faster than the way up. I will say this: it killed my knees and we didn't make it to the bottom until 9:30. Fortunately I had bought a headlamp and I had it with me because, even with the headlamp, it was one of the scariest things I'd done in my life. However, we made it unscathed and I was so so proud.

View from the top of the Falls. Yes, I stole this picture from someone online (as I did with the pictures of the trail and the stairs).

And more than being proud I was sore. My psoas was killing me (the uphills). My hamstrings killed me (the uphills). My quads killed me (the downhills). My knees killed me (the downhills). My back was killing me (the stress and exhaustion and the fact that I just have back problems). It. was. rough.

I thought I would be ravenous but honestly I just wanted to go to stretch and go to bed. I did have some pizza, but only two or three pieces -- my body just was not up for more, despite the fact that I'd done 9 hours of hiking. I thought I'd go to bed and sleep for 12 hours; however, I just slept for 7. I guess that's all my body wanted/needed. Strange.

I will say that this is the toughest thing I think I've ever done physically. I felt pushed to and past my limits. Though I wanted to die at times, I made it. And it was sooo worth it. I won't forget it. It makes me want to get in shape and be able to breeze up the falls next time -- and I will be SURE to get a picture before I leave :)

Challenge to Self

This weekend I am going to Yosemite National Park with a friend from graduate school. I am beyond delighted to see her, and to experience the beauty of one of our national parks. I can barely wait (though you wouldn't know because I haven't had much time to think about packing, getting ready, etc -- although I did order a fold up hiking stick).

My friend lives in California and has been to the park quite a bit. She knows the ins and outs -- she found us a tent cabin to stay in, knows which hikes are good, and so on. I am grateful to utilize her knowledge to help us plan our stay.

She suggested that we do the Upper Yosemite Falls hike. I am very excited about this, but also scared. The coin is always two-sided, right? It sure does seem that way.

Reasons for excitement: obvious. I'm in Yosemite, which is beautiful. I'm with my friend, who I love and don't get to see often. The views from the top of the trail are supposed to be particularly stunning -- as good as Half Dome, but easier to reach.

But I'm also nervous. The hike is 7.8 miles (which is in and of itself is a little challenging but not too bad), and the terrain is steep and rocky. My friend was a varsity collegiate track athlete for a Big 10 school. While I'm in reasonable shape, I am still overweight and carrying the extra pounds will be tough; my friend is literally half my size. I drink a lot and don't want to carry a bunch of heavy water up a mountain. I hate slipping and I have read that the gravel on the trail makes it kind of easy to fall. There's a reasonable chance of rain, making things slipperier and generally more unpleasant. So there are definitely plenty of things to be scared of or nervous about.

I expressed my concern to my friend -- mainly that I would be slower than she was, but that I was in good shape and thought I could make it if she was willing to be patient with me. I told her either way was fine. She responded

Let's give it a shot! We can take it nice and easy and if we don't make it all the way, it's okay. The important part is that we're together enjoying Yosemite this weekend!

First of all, what a great friend! Second of all, she's right.

After all, when will I be in Yosemite again? When will I get this chance to try this hike again? Life is moving on so let's just harness the proverbial bull by the horns and go for it! I will not let life pass me by just because I'm not at my ideal weight or afraid of heights. I will try this daunting task and probably make it to the top, even though it will be hard. If I don't give it a shot, I will regret it. And if I fail miserably? I won't wonder "what if"...and I'll probably have a good story to tell.

So here goes nothing -- Upper Yosemite Falls here I come! I can't wait to share with you how this goes!

Not Much to Say

I feel like I am going in fits and starts lately, and I do not like it. Things at work have been insane. That means things in the rest of my life have been insane too. Thankfully, one of the big reasons for the insanity is (mostly) over.

We are interviewing people for a position where I work. I remember when I was in the shoes of the candidates. Here is how it works for an academic interview: they wine and dine you. I remember going to super-swanky restaurants each night I interviewed. I mean we're talking the $25-40/plate type restaurants -- and that's before the appetizers and desserts which inevitably are ordered. Plus, about 50% of the time people order booze too. Being on the search committee, you go to dinner with each of the candidates. You do the math.

Last week we also had lots of other abnormal work-engagements -- most of which came with free lunch. Also there were tons of cookies around during the interviews. And let's not forget that the Girl Scout cookies I ordered came in.

Can one make good choices at these events and surrounded by cookies? Absolutely. Remember, I reached a new low during a week with four Christmas parties. Can one make good choices in this environment while feeling physically and emotionally drained? Maybe, but I will just admit that I didn't.

I feel stuck. I feel drained. I feel frustrated. I reached a new low and am now back up to 235 -- this past weekend I was even up to 238! I have been giving WW a half-hearted attempt AT BEST, but really I am just trying not to lose ground. I feel mentally off a little bit and am paying extra attention to my mental health these days.

While I don't think that feeling off is a license to go all out and chuck healthy eating out the window, I think that for me for now keeping mentally healthy is more important than focusing on WL. The two are actually very fundamentally linked for me. You may remember that this summer my blahness about WL actually caused me to seek help from a therapist where I was diagnosed with a raging case of depression.

I need to find a healthy balance of keeping my nose to the grindstone so I can make progress for work, but not grinding my nose off to spite my face. Balance is so tricky, you know?

So that is where I have been -- I don't want to be one of those "I am going to do so awesome because today is DAY ONE!" "Oh, I really messed up again yesterday guys -- oops -- so I'm turning over a new leaf. Today is DAY ONE!!!" bloggers, so I just took a bye on updating my blog for awhile. Not to mention, life is crazy busy. Thanks to my mom for checking in on me. There are unexpected bumps in the road for this healthiness blogger. I will stay the course though, even if I have to wear a helmet and take this healthy living train offroad for awhile. I WILL NOT GIVE UP.

Snow 2.0

OMG it snowed almost 2 feet here yesterday. This is certainly not what I had in mind when I moved from Michigan to Arkansas! School has been cancelled for the last two days, which means I have been stuck inside. AGAIN. We all know how that went last week.

On the one hand, I was/am kind of annoyed to have to face such a hard challenge again. As I reflect on it, though, this is a second chance to make up for what I did wrong last time. I can prove to myself that I CAN do this. I am stronger than food.

My goal for the time I was stuck inside was to track my food. Even if it was bad, I would track it as a way to be accountable for my decisions.

So how have I done? Pretty well overall. I did not meet my goal of tracking -- I stopped on the first day. However, I have done really well on my water intake, I have not made any sweets, and have eaten really healthfully and mindfully. I've probably eaten more than I would on a "normal" day, but I realized something from last time's experience. A lot of times for me those "I want (unhealthy food of choice...)" thoughts are actually hunger that my body is manifesting in an odd way. Instead of satisfying that hunger with (unhealthy food of choice...), it can often be met another related, more healthy way. For example, instead of making cookies I can eat a sweet piece of fruit. If the craving is more high in fat/salt content, I can have cottage cheese or reduced fat cheese. I usually feel satisfied and the craving goes away -- because my hunger has been satisfied. Also I find it so much easier to stop eating fruit when I am satisfied than I usually do with (unhealthy food of choice...) -- mostly because I rarely keep unhealthy choices around so I feel like they are going to disappear on me and I gobble them up like a possessed mad woman. Odd/dysfunctional thinking, but something deeply engrained and that I am working to change.

As a result of this realization -- that cravings are really hunger in disguise -- I have been vigilant about making sure I stay satisfied and not very hungry which helps me avoid strong cravings and, as a result, binges. I am pleased with this strategy, and we will see how it works out for me at this week's weigh in. Regardless, it is so good for my psyche to have made it through this snowstorm without a binge or monumentally unhealthy choices.

Addiction

I have written before about how I consider myself a food addict. My behavior over Christmas break -- how easily I returned to binge eating and how oddly cathartic (yet disgusting) it felt -- seems to add credence to the mountain of evidence that I am a food addict.

While I usually feel in control over my behavior, sometimes I really don't. Sometimes it is as though I have no control over my decisions and I am just executing some primal, instinctual desire to eat that I have no control over. And for those of you who haven't experienced it? It is a mix of comforting, terrifying, and is without a doubt shameful to feel like you're a robot executing lines of code demanding that you eat everything within sight.

For this reason, I have looked into joining Overeaters Anonymous. Their #1 tenet is "We admitted that we were powerless over food and that our lives had become unmanageable."

Back in the day, I would have believed this. I absolutely felt powerless and hopeless about food. My life WAS unmanageable. Now that I've been in "recovery" for awhile, I no longer feel this way. I still make mistakes. I still have missteps. I'm by no means perfect.

But I am also not a victim. I do not feel powerless, or believe that I am. I am stronger than food.

However, I am aware that with the history that I have and the deeply-engrained (unhealthy) relationship with food that I have worked to change, that I cannot get too cocky and that I'm not above regaining all of the weight back. I want to form some sort of support structure to help support me when I slip and fall. I am not sure what this would look like. I had considered OA because this is what I thought they could help me to do. Since I disagree with their fundamental premise, however, I am not sure that I could join their group.

For you losers/maintainers out there, what are your thoughts and how do you find support? Has anyone tried OA?

Clothing Hit List

This post requires a bit of background. First of all, I have been considering doing a post like this for awhile and I finally have the guts to do it. I may take it down if I get weird visitors or figure out that my students know where my webpage is.

This post may actually may turn into a series. For anyone who has gained and then lost weight, you know that you have a ton of old clothes in your closet that fit at one time, but don't anymore. It is so rewarding to be able to reclaim a part of your wardrobe as you lose weight. This is what is inspiring this post and an idea I call the Clothing Hit List. Although I am allowing myself to stay in maintenance mode through Christmas (weighed in this morning at 255.8 this morning BTW), after that I am going to start going to Weight Watchers again, or enroll in this program called Wholesome HAWGs though school (Razorback = hog = our mascot, HAWG = health and wellness group = sounds like hog). That is the first bit of background. The idea: Clothing Hit List.

Second of all -- every year at one of our professional conferences, we have a University of Arkansas reception and are supposed to wear Razorback gear. Since I don't feel right pulling up in a t-shirt, I felt like I needed to get a Razorback polo. Unfortunately, these are only available (at least that I have seen) through the official channels like the bookstore on campus -- that is, places that are super-expensive. Every year the bookstore has a faculty/staff appreciation day where everything is 25% off for faculty and staff. I decided this would be the year for me to get a polo so I can dress up at our reception in Cancun where our conference will be this year. Unfortunately, the choices for ladies polos were very limited. I had a couple choices. The two most promising were shirt #1 - ladies XXL in white for $57 (are you serious?!) or shirt #2 - ladies XL in red for $29. For size, advantage shirt #1. For price and color, advantage shirt #2. I decided on shirt #2 since I would not want to ruin a $57 if I spilled any sort of food on it. A red shirt is less likely to get messed up than a white one.

I knew this shirt would not fit, but I was not sure how bad it would be. In addition a couple weeks ago I got a really nice pair of jeans that I did not try on (since most size 20s fit right off the rack - HA! This pair of jeans apparently did not get the memo. Love variation in sizes.). I tried the jeans on with the Razorback polo that I bought. It is my goal to have these either fit or be too small by the time IERC rolls around in early June. I will take a picture in Cancun wearing my hog polo and these jeans. However, you can see I have a ways to go...

Items #1 and 2 on the clothing hit list are these jeans and this polo. I am focused on getting into them. Memo to the polo and jeans: you are so going down.

Challenge final update

As you may recall, I talked a really big game about wanting to lose 5 lbs. in two weeks over Thanksgiving. At one point I even declared "I have (kind of) arrived". Well, that didn't stick.

I emerged from Thanksgiving at 256.0. This is well within my control limits, but far short of my goal. I could chalk it up to not being able to exercise for a week because of the back. I could chalk it up to poor eating (for, over the weekend following Thanksgiving, there was a fair amount of that). I could chalk it up to giving up and feeling depressed because of the back/hip issue.

But, I will do none of that. I will instead just admit that I have failed, but be glad that I am down but not out. I will eventually conquer this weight thing. And honestly, for now, maintaining for me is a victory. One that is important and that I will work hard at even though I am sad right now.

PS

This morning I was above the goal. I forget the exact weight but it was around 255. Dang it.

Don't know what to do next!

As I mentioned this morning, I have made it to my goal. Well, kind of. I have made it to the number part of my goal, but the goal states that I will make it through Thanksgiving at this number. That obviously implies a lot of discipline, maintaining this weight through this glutton-fest that is Thanksgiving. I think I am up to the challenge. I am going to my friends' place in Missouri which will be great, but will mean that I will be away from the gym. I would like to incorporate walking into my trip up there, and will work hard on portion controls but probably will not say no to any of my normal Thanksgiving favorites.

This sudden and dramatic weight loss has me absolutely baffled. If you recall, a long time ago I had a goal to make it to 249.4 by September 21 ("50 by fall"). Obviously I didn't make that and have been hanging out in the mid 250s for quite awhile now. I decided it was time to saddle up the horses and get going on the weight loss thing and, voila, it just drops off. Bizzarre.

There are a couple hypotheses I have as to why the weight could be falling off so quickly.

• It's like the initial weight loss all over again. When people start to lose weight, the first 5-10 pounds fall off so so quickly.
• I started to exercise again after an almost 3 week time off of that. My body's metabolism could be really revved up.
• I am eating a lot more fruits and somewhat more veggies than usual. Maybe something do with that?
• It could just be a fluke (but I don't really think so -- 1-3 lbs can be a fluke; 5 lbs is starting to be "real" weight I think).

The weirdest part (to me) of this loss is that I have been making ok but not stellar choices. For example, let me talk about what I ate yesterday. For breakfast, I had 3/4ish cups of fat free cottage cheese with a ton of fruit salad on top (fresh pineapple, strawberries, blackberries, papaya). I also ate two oranges throughout the morning to keep me from being hungry. Like I mentioned yesterday, lunch yesterday was catered. Turns out it was catered by Qdoba -- delicious! Bad stuff first: I had some chips and cheese dip. Cheese and cheese dip definitely are definitely weaknesses for me. For the rest, I had a reasonable portion of rice, black beans, a little steak, some cheese, sour cream, guacamole, and a lot of corn relish and pico di guillo. Not too bad. For dinner, I went to Jimmy John's and got my usual (#5 Vito, no capicola, extra lettuce, tomatoes, onions with Skinny Chips). At night, I had a huge bowl of cherry tomatoes and also a pear. I would say that is a decent day of eating, but nothing stellar. Certainly nothing like 1200 calories. For exercise, I did my usual 1/2 hr of aqua abs and 1 hr of water aerobics. It was good. I would have expected to be at a calorie deficit but nothing extreme, and CERTAINLY not enough to justify a couple pounds.

Oh well. I will take it. I am ecstatic to be working toward my goal and am committed to doing this the natural and healthy way (i.e., eating "real" foods not shakes, eating a balanced diet, being able to find something to eat in what everyone else eats, etc). Plus, I love carbs way too much to ever do something like the Atkins diet!

Idea

I will post the idea tonight in its more filled out version, but I had an idea. I have told you guys that I am working to maintain my weight through the holidays. I usually give myself a couple pounds leeway figuring there is a little give and take around how much sodium you consume, how much water you consume, etc.

Anyway I feel so invigorated after some good news I received this morning (I will post about it later -- at work now and I want to give this news the semi-lengthy post it deserves) that I feel inclined to step it up a notch. I want to post a loss by Monday November 30. I will post more about how much I weighed this morning and what I will consider a victory tonight when I have time to think about it and analyze the numbers.