I'm Back

So when people disappear from healthy living blogs, it's generally not because they're out there just living on the healthy straight and narrow.  This is true of me too.

Since I last blogged, I've gained a significant amount of weight and am now north of 250 again.  It is frustrating.  It is a result of my actions, obviously, but it is frustrating.

Since I last blogged so much has happened.  Most notably, I suffered from very severe hip injury where many times I was unable even to walk.  This meant exercise was out of the question, and I fell back on an old friend who has brought me significant comfort in hard times: food.  A fickle friend, food is.

The story is long and involved, but suffice it to say that through my hip pain and inability to walk I met God in the most real, tangible way I ever have and He changed my life.  Ultimately He healed me for which I am supremely grateful.  My life is a testament to His goodness, even when I do not understand what the hell is going on.

So, last week I knew it was time.  Time to exercise again.  Time to get going on living a healthy life.  At 252 I joined Weight Watchers.  It wasn't without its bumps, but things were working and I even took a walk one day and swam another.  Yay activity!

Then Friday afternoon, I got a text from my mom.

her - "How old was Titus?" (my cousin)
me - "I have no idea.  Maybe two years older than me?"
her - "He died of a heart attack."

It's hit me like a ton of bricks.  I am heartbroken for his family.  It's not because we were close.  Not at all, in fact.  It's mostly fear co-mingled with a helping of "Wow your family sucks."  The fear is because of the heart disease that runs rampant on both sides of my family.  Titus wasn't even obese as far as I know, but he died at age 35ish of a heart attack.  That is simultaneously crazy and terrifying.  The family sucking thing?  It's just true.  I'll keep the details off the blog but it is true.

I have been surprised how deeply this has affected me, but it is hard not to revert to stuffing my face instead of feeling the emotion.  Saturday was not good in this regard.  Sunday was better but also not great.

So that's where I am.  I am 252 right now.  Very few of my clothes fit.  I am sad.  I haven't been taking care of my body.  But I am a fighter and I know I will not give up.  Please pray for me, though, because this is hard.

STRUGGLING

Dude, I am struggling so hard core on my eating. I just want to eat all the time. ALL. THE. TIME.

And although I don't ALL the time, I eat more than I should and the scale reflects that. And I am tired about it. And sad.

And, if I don't get a grip soon, in the not too distant future I will have no more pants that fit. And that SUCKS.

And my back/hip hurts like a mofo a lot of the time. I even tried to go swimming the other day and couldn't because of the excruciating pain. How pathetic is that?! I can't even swim, the gentle-st of all exercises. I am frustrated.

Deja Vu

So if I had to pick a word to describe this break, it would be "sucked". I had the worst bout of sciatica I've had in a long time. I barely left my house because it hurt so much to move.

Well, general holiday-ness + frustration from pain and immobility + immobility due to sciatica and pain = weight gain. To be exact, I was up to 243 Tuesday when I finally braved the scale.

Part of that is from traveling and stress in November. Lots of it is from the holiday food that seems to be pervasive. And what's sadder is that the weight gain doesn't tell the whole story. Working out very little or not at all over those months led my body composition to change rather significantly, exchanging muscle for fat.

So here I am in a place I've been before -- heavier, squishier, and with limited ability to work out due to the sciatica. And despite my having been here before, it somehow seems very different. I am not freaking out. I started seriously tracking things two days ago and I have stayed the course (and let me tell you there are times -- usually in the evenings when I am home by myself -- that it takes almost everything I have not to gorge myself). I will get this weight off and push myself even further. I will honor my body and work through the sciatica issue (which is already markedly better. Last night was my first night without Vicodin and muscle relaxers and though my sleep was terrible, I did make it through).

I just wanted to do a brief check in and be honest about this weight gain because goodness knows I'd get on here and trumpet my success if I had lost 15 lbs rather than gained it! Wishing everyone a happy and healthy new year.

Hard going

The last few weeks have been tough on the food front. I don't know why. Hormones, sick, lots of travel, not having many groceries...they definitely all play into it. But still, I have just not been disciplined about working out or eating, and the scale has reflected that.

I leave again for basically two weeks on Monday (I will be in the office one day, but other than that will be gone). I am very excited about each of the trips for different reasons, but I am not looking forward to not being able to cook for myself or have good control over what I eat or when/whether I exercise.

I am still getting good external feedback about the changes I've made in my life. Today I had someone ask me, "You're totally under 200 lbs now, right?" I said, "Nope. 231 this morning." She couldn't believe it, insisting I'd lost 20-30 lbs since she last asked. I thought to myself, "Ha! If we're talking 20-30 lbs, we're going to have to rewind to November 2009." But still, it is nice to hear and feel like my body is changing.

Not sure what the point of this post is. I will still get sick sometimes (and more if I don't start exercising). I won't always have groceries at home. Sometimes I will be traveling or otherwise not have great control over my food. That is in no way an excuse to eat compulsively, so I need to learn to deal with these challenges. If I am honoring my body, exercising, eating healthy foods in moderation and not eating compulsively, I will be fine if I stay at this weight forever. Given that I am not doing all of these things right now, though, something has to change.

I will pack fruit and string cheese for my trip. I am glad that for one of the trips, my hotel is actually 6 blocks away from where the conference is. I will make a concerted effort to drink a lot of water. I will work out once or twice. And most of all, I will work to be grateful and surrender my food each day. Those two cornerstones of OA really make a huge difference when I am working on them. (Hence the OA mantra "It works if you work it", in reference to working the steps of the program.)

By Myself

I have been failing miserably at this healthy eating and healthy living thing. I am pretty disgusted with myself.

I am realizing a lot of things about myself. Things that I don't like.

• I can now binge on food that is healthy. Eating a whole watermelon in one sitting? Done that, just last week. Twice. I also ate 1/2 bushel of peaches last week. By myself.
• Once I have a slip, the next one is so much easier both to rationalize and to execute.
• Once I stop having quiet time, it is hard to reinstitute. When I'm not regularly spending time with God I forget that I'm not the one overcoming this compulsive overeating thing (at least not in my own power).

I haven't worked out in almost a week. I have not eaten well since Thursday and I really went off the rails last weekend. Today was a little better, but still rough. And I look bloated and my face looks so fat. I am not sure if anyone else would notice, but it looks really terrible to me.

But most of all, I feel ashamed and mad at myself, and kind of sad. The topic at tonight's OA meeting was willingness -- and I really needed to hear that. I forget that I need to just be willing to do what God asks me to do with food, and remember to ask for His help to tell me what to do. I realize that may sound simplistic to many, but it is really one of the things that has revolutionized all of this healthy eating thing for me.

Doing this by myself and in my own strength just does not work.

Struggling with food, what now?

The week has been great with respect to my personal productivity. I have worked a LOT this week, and I am very proud of the way everything has shaped up. I actually think I have a really good shot to get this proposal funded, which no joke would change my career and my life (this award is very prestigious). But even if I don't, I am very proud of the work I've done and grateful for the help of colleagues and friends who have offered very helpful suggestions to improve the quality of my work, and spent their valuable time reading the proposal and offering improvements. So so grateful.

While the productivity has been great, the eating especially the last two days have been bad. Yesterday I'd say I had my first act of willful disobedience with respect to food. I was working with my grad student at a coffee shop. We'd worked together for probably 10+ hours over the course of the week at this coffee shop. While I was very grateful for her willingness to work there and work so hard, it has been stressful since the reason we've been meeting is that this one aspect of our research is not coming together.

It was about 6:30 (yes, on a Friday) and we were still at the coffee shop. Things hadn't been working out. I wasn't hungry, but to say I was stressed and tired? Yes, that'd be a fair characterization. I decided I wanted something sweet.

Now I'm really not opposed to sweets or enjoying them to moderation -- assuming you have planned for them and have the points budgeted and you're hungry for them. This was none of the above. This was an impulse, I'm out of points and just want to eat for comfort decision. The thing I ate was expensive, not that good, and overall not worth it. And I ate every bit of it. Reminded me of the old days.

In talking to a friend this week, I've realized I'm getting reasonably good about responding to the moment-of-crisis "I am so sad or angry and all I want to do is eat" things without relying on food. I am not, however, good at this low-level but ever present stress that wears down my resolve and makes me want to eat. I have experienced this all week, and for the last two days have responded really poorly. It's like "dude, the reason I am stressed is because I am working hard and all the time; I really don't have time to get on an OA meeting!", yet that is when I need the meetings/support the most.

I am struggling with feeling like "Meh, I've already blown it I might as well go off the rails now" thing today. Overcoming compulsive eating is hard.

Stress!!!!

The end of the semester is usually grueling, but for some reason it seems even more so this semester. I am buried in a stack of grading and just as I make progress on it, it seems that more gets dumped on me. I'm so stressed out.

I've visited the ol' friend of compulsive overeating to help me get through. The busy-ness has also crowded out most of the exercise I'd usually do. After gaining about 10 lbs in about 4 weeks, I feel gross. I feel lethargic and I am starting to feel softer in places that shouldn't be soft, and am losing muscle definition. By all accounts, these things are undesirable.

But do you know what? I realized I am oddly grateful for this. As a result of this, I got to feel how my body shuts down when it's not properly fed or nourished. It's not pretty, and I feel disgusting. It was a great reminder as to why I'm getting healthy. Also, it really reinforced the idea that I am a food addict. Though I am not proud of the title, I think I need reminders sometimes when I feel like "man, I've got this" -- you know, the whole "pride comes before a fall" thing. I have ruined my brain chemistry and neural pathways pathways to not treat food normally (or it genetic, I don't know -- but either way, the result is the same).

Starting yesterday, I said "This is enough." Yesterday and today I have eaten food that honors and nourishes my body; I went for a bike ride yesterday and went to Zumba today. I have worked a whole lot, but I am cutting out TV and excessive internet usage as a way to relax, and instead spending that time on working out. I feel a lot better, even with just 2 days of healthiness under my belt.

I've said it before, and I've said it again: I am a tough broad and I will not give up. This healthiness thing is the way God intended for us to live, and I am going to need to trust Him to help me restore my body to the way he intended for it to work. That starts with giving the body what it needs and deserves both in the form of food and exercise.

Not Much to Say

I feel like I am going in fits and starts lately, and I do not like it. Things at work have been insane. That means things in the rest of my life have been insane too. Thankfully, one of the big reasons for the insanity is (mostly) over.

We are interviewing people for a position where I work. I remember when I was in the shoes of the candidates. Here is how it works for an academic interview: they wine and dine you. I remember going to super-swanky restaurants each night I interviewed. I mean we're talking the $25-40/plate type restaurants -- and that's before the appetizers and desserts which inevitably are ordered. Plus, about 50% of the time people order booze too. Being on the search committee, you go to dinner with each of the candidates. You do the math.

Last week we also had lots of other abnormal work-engagements -- most of which came with free lunch. Also there were tons of cookies around during the interviews. And let's not forget that the Girl Scout cookies I ordered came in.

Can one make good choices at these events and surrounded by cookies? Absolutely. Remember, I reached a new low during a week with four Christmas parties. Can one make good choices in this environment while feeling physically and emotionally drained? Maybe, but I will just admit that I didn't.

I feel stuck. I feel drained. I feel frustrated. I reached a new low and am now back up to 235 -- this past weekend I was even up to 238! I have been giving WW a half-hearted attempt AT BEST, but really I am just trying not to lose ground. I feel mentally off a little bit and am paying extra attention to my mental health these days.

While I don't think that feeling off is a license to go all out and chuck healthy eating out the window, I think that for me for now keeping mentally healthy is more important than focusing on WL. The two are actually very fundamentally linked for me. You may remember that this summer my blahness about WL actually caused me to seek help from a therapist where I was diagnosed with a raging case of depression.

I need to find a healthy balance of keeping my nose to the grindstone so I can make progress for work, but not grinding my nose off to spite my face. Balance is so tricky, you know?

So that is where I have been -- I don't want to be one of those "I am going to do so awesome because today is DAY ONE!" "Oh, I really messed up again yesterday guys -- oops -- so I'm turning over a new leaf. Today is DAY ONE!!!" bloggers, so I just took a bye on updating my blog for awhile. Not to mention, life is crazy busy. Thanks to my mom for checking in on me. There are unexpected bumps in the road for this healthiness blogger. I will stay the course though, even if I have to wear a helmet and take this healthy living train offroad for awhile. I WILL NOT GIVE UP.

Struggling

School is cancelled because the weather sucks. I am stuck in the house. I want to eat eat eat -- something warm and cozy. I will fight this thought and try to do something else to take my mind off of food!!!

Losing Myself

DISCLAIMER - if reading about unhealthy food is a trigger for you, consider skipping this post

I wrote yesterday about how I no longer view food as good or bad. One of the things I have been adamant about this time around on the WL journey is that I would enjoy it. It is hard, yes, but I find that I enjoy the food I eat now much more than I ever enjoyed it when I was fat. It is weird. It is like my tastebuds are more sensitive now. It is also true that I no longer eat whatever I want whenever I want, so I have to make each treat count more if that makes sense.

A few weeks ago, I had the weirdest thing happen to me. It really freaked me out and I still haven't totally figured it out.

I had been eating clean for about a week. It started to feel really easy and natural. It was great. Just like a honeymoon period. Then, I started to get very odd cravings. I wanted lentils. I wanted milk. I craved apples. AWESOME!

Then I realized something -- I DIDN'T want a lot of stuff that I liked. I mean lentils sounded even better to me than cheese dip. Better than a burger. Better than red velvet cake. And more than that, none of those things even sounded good to me. Nowhere near as good as a nice glass of skim milk with a handful of almonds.

hold up a minute here.... WHAT?!?!

I am not going to lie. I freaked out. Seriously, I really honestly did. I ended up eating several of the things like cheese dip that I enjoy just to make sure I still liked them. They were not at all satisfying. I ate them anyways and ended up regretting it. It was as though my brain was trying to convince my tastebuds that cheese dip still was the end all/be all of food. They were not getting convinced.

I have to admit that this revelation was very sad.

One of the things I have been both concerned about and vigilant against is trading one form of disordered eating and food abuse (bingeing, emotional overeating, etc) for another (e.g., anorexia). Though I am not a psychologist or anyone with any sort of training in this area, I think I see a lot of this in the WL blogosphere. It makes me sad. I also don't think it is healthy or sustainable. In fact, in reading through my own archives some stunningly unhealthy patterns have emerged in my own behavior -- I used to work out 2 hours at a time almost 6 days a week. WTH?!? Not sustainable in real life. I am aiming for moderation in all areas, including exercise and food.

Feeling like I didn't enjoy my historical favorite foods made me feel like I was losing a little bit of myself. It was sudden and unexpected. I didn't like it, and OMG did I revolt. I didn't jump off the deep end but I will admit that it was one of the most unsettling feelings I had felt on this weight loss journey, and it was a hard obstacle to overcome.

I've come to recognize that sometimes I'm in the mood for a treat. Sometimes I'm not. And that is ok. Just because I don't want cheese dip all the time with incredible urgency doesn't mean I won't crave it sometimes or won't ever like it again. And when I do crave it, it isn't bad to have it.

Man, learning these lessons is hard. I feel like the work I did over the last six months has been so tedious and hard. During this time, I fluctuated within the same 5-7 lb window -- gaining and losing and gaining and losing. During this time, I've also encountered mental roadblocks and scaled them one by one. I now feel like it's been like clearing out a forest. Now a lot of the trees are down and the stumps are uprooted and moved out of the way. And now I can sail on down the scales for awhile until I hit the next thicket of issues that need worked through. Although I am physically losing myself and shedding the weight, I refuse to lose who I am and what makes me me. Because I like me.

Back Problems

The week prior to Thanksgiving, things were insanely hectic at work. There was a bunch I wanted to get accomplished prior to the break. That meant staying later than I usually would a few days, which meant skipping the yoga class I usually go to on Monday.

Mistake.

Thursday, as I was starting out on the 5K, my back started to hurt a bit and my glutes were tight. By the end of the "race" (which I in no way treated as such, owing to the back issues), I was really really in bad shape.

I figured it would be no big deal. I stopped to get some tennis balls (which are amazing for getting knots out after having muscle spasms) and thought I would do my stretching exercises from my PT.

Unfortunately, the problem has not gone away easily. It's been more than a week now. My back still hurts, although I am managing the pain much better than I ever have in the past. I do a lot of stretching and yoga. Although I am not 100% better, I am getting there and am optimistic I will be ok again soon. In the meantime I will be doing a lot of stretching and yoga, and stopping exercise when it doesn't feel right. Also, I have found that using a foam roller and rolling over it with my whole body, stomach facing up will usually help my back pop back into place. Who knew that, in addition to all of the other great things that foam rollers are, that they are a cheap faux chiropractor?

Lesson learned, though: yoga 2-3/week is imperative for me if I want to stay mobile. These activities need to be prioritized in my schedule, and not crowded out when I'm "too busy". In fact, I am too busy NOT to do yoga, as I cannot afford to be sidelined for several days or even weeks with debilitating back pain -- even if that means leaving work a couple days at 4:30 and working some more from home.

Food = Fun?

I have shared that I am getting involved with a community group through the church I have been going to. While a part of me is guarded and hesitant to trust too much due to past bad experiences in other churches, a larger part of me is enjoying the group and getting to know the people in it. They are nice and I am enjoying it.

This group is causing me problems with food though. And it's not just this group, I think it would be any group I got involved with. First of all, the group takes place on a worknight, as would most groups I could get involved with. NO PROBLEM...except that I go to the gym after work and so trying to work out, find something to eat, and get to the group on time is a challenge. I usually sacrifice the healthy eating and get a $5 pizza to eat on the go. This has to stop. It is counterproductive toward meeting my goals, yet I see no healthy option unless I forgo the working out. The second problem is that every week, we have snacks at the group. To me this is so unnecessary. It is burdensome both for the snack providers (who has time do easily do this on a weekday, especially if your snack needs refrigeration and you have to stop home to get said snack?!), and it is a little hard for me to be around. I usually deal by passing on the snack altogether, as they are rarely healthy.

This week we are having a "fun" week instead of study for community group. While I usually shudder at the idea of scheduled, scripted fun, I am actually looking forward to this. However, it too may present a food problem for me as it is a potluck picnic. I usually bring fruit or a fruit salad to events like this, but I can't see any way to do this without being able to refrigerate it. (I leave for work around 8 and the picnic is at 6:30). This weekend, they are also planning a girls' night. While I am looking forward to it, it too is a "please bring something tasty and preferably unhealthy" event.

I have such mixed feelings about these types of events. I feel a little like a recovering alcoholic who is meeting friends at a bar. It just seems like a bad idea. Yes, being around bad food choices gets easier. However, the easiest thing is just not to be around it. For example, last night I really wanted to binge. REALLY badly. However, I had no unhealthy groceries around, which was a big part of my being able to avoid it. Equating food with fun needs to become a thing of my past, however it is hard with so many bad choices and so few good choices around at these type of events. None of these people know my past (and to some degree current) issues with food. I don't want to be a Debbie Downer or a food Nazi and ask them to please be considerate of me and my desire to live a healthy life when planning "fun", and ask that not all fun events involve food. For instance, we could play mini-golf and grab dinner on our own, or go to a restaurant where everyone could make his/her own selections -- and I could get something healthy. However, I also don't want them to think I have an eating disorder or am too good to eat their food. That seems bad too.

Bottom line: I am not sure how to handle myself in many social food situations yet. And I am a little resentful that our society equates food with fun. It makes it harder to succeed, but it is something I just have to learn to deal with if I want to be successful at living a healthy lifestyle.

Binge

Today as I mentioned I felt crappy. Last night I just could not sleep for more than an hour, waking up very often because of a toothache and a bad headache. Today I still had a headache, I felt slightly achy, and I just felt very emotionally off. I went to work, did my best, had my meetings, and finally ended up leaving at around 12:45 to come home and sleep and try to get better and get some more work done.

I knew I was on edge. I wasn't sure why. I ended up going on a premeditated binge. It was gross and terrible. And the funny thing is as I was standing in line at Target with my pulsing headache and basket full of peanut butter M+Ms, chip dip, and pretzels on my way to get a burger, I knew I would feel like trash after I ate all of this stuff. However for some reason I wanted to eat all the stuff so badly that I did it. And, sure enough, I felt like trash emotionally after I ate all the stuff. And having to clean up the trash after I took a nap was just like a slap in the face, reminding me of my failure.

I am trying to understand not only what causes these binges, but also to figure out what I can do instead of actually following through with them. I know they are bad news, so why do I do them? They remind me of Romans 7:15.

For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.

Today

Today I want to eat and eat and eat. I don't feel good. I was up several times last night with a headache and toothache so I am tired too. Not my best day. I hope I make it through, and get a lot of good sleep tonight and don't sabotage myself on the eating front. We will see.

Transparency and Relating to Each Other

One of the main reasons I love blogs is that I really identify with so many of you in so many different ways. When I started this journey to get healthy (for the second and I truly hope final time), I felt like a failure. However, in reading many people’s healthiness blogs I realized that I was not alone, that change was possible, and that gastric bypass and some expensive/gimmicky program like Nutrisystem or MRC is not required to lose weight. I felt hope. Realizing I was not alone was such a valuable lesson for me and proved to be a turning point in my life. I rarely encountered people who were 100+ lbs. overweight and candid about their weight related struggles – until I “met” many of you through your blogs.

The other day, I talked to a friend that I rarely see and but I like a lot. It was funny, when I was at a conference in May I think I ran into him/her twice – both times for just a second. One of the times he/she saw me I was just bawling my eyes out in public; in retrospect I believe I had already begun to sink into the quicksand that is depression although I did not realize it and was not up to my neck at this point – probably just my waist. I was embarrassed to be seen like this, and disappointed we did not get to catch up (we see each other only a few times a year).

Turns out that during this time this person also decided to take a hiatus from social networking. Now this is something I have always kind of wanted to do, but never been willing to give up especially with my loneliness issues and lack of friends here. Sadly, social networks were one of the precious few ways I got social interaction and that was too important for me to give up; it’s not like I had any sort of “real” life that was getting shortchanged because of my online one.

Anyway…all this to say that last weekend this person made a rare appearance on Facebook chat. I just briefly messaged him/her just to say hi and see how he/she was doing. It was the most bizarre conversation as almost anything he/she said I could have said. At one point I was seriously like, “Get out of my head!”

In the last 6 months, depression has ravaged both of our lives and neither of us have gotten almost anything done in our professional lives (which are also quite similar). We have both felt like we are trying to stay put and not lose ground against a swiftly moving current – forget about making it to the point upstream where our careers need to go. It was the most bizarre thing. I could almost complete this person’s sentences, and I felt as though he/she could have completed mine.

One of the similarities in our stories is that my friend and I were both so skeptical about going on anti-depressants, but they ended up working for both of us. If you struggle with depression and a medical professional suggests this option, please consider it and don’t dismiss it. It can really work – in my case, it has been instrumental in changing my life. In just 30 days I noticed a remarkable difference, and others have too and have even commented about it here on my blog.

I write this to say the following: you are not alone. Whatever crappy shitstorm of life you find yourself in, there are others who are struggling through something similar just like you are. Hang on and don’t give up.

For problems that are hard and secrets that are shameful, sometimes just knowing that you’re not the only one struggling with something like you're going through is a first step. I wish you luck in finding others like you, and success in overcoming your problems.

While I have not overcome disordered eating habits – particularly an unnatural, unhealthy emotional attachment to food and a tendency to binge when sad, lonely, or frustrated – I am making progress on this front and overall things are easier. I still struggle and some days I give in and make bad decisions, but I am worlds better than I was when I started this in April 2009. There are people who struggle with chronic pain – from my experience with my back/SI issues, I have a small taste of what that is like (and it absolutely sucks). There are others who are depressed, and have emerged on the other side. And I know that it is possible to either get over many of these issues or at least manage them better.

We are not alone. We will make it. Realizing this and acknowledging this is helpful for me in making positive, sustainable changes in my life.

Thank you unnamed friend for helping me realize that I am not alone. There are other normal people out there who struggle with depression too. I wish there were not such a ginormous stigma attached to depression and that people actually talked to each other about it. But hey, as people who were/are morbidly obese and struggle with disordered eating, we know nothing about having shameful secrets and secret lives, right?! Ha.

Here’s to being transparent…acknowledging problems is the most fundamental step in addressing and fixing them. This is just one of the many many things that I am learning on this journey to make a healthier and better me.

Struggling, Maintaining or What?

The last week or two have been tough for me in some ways. Tough on the eating front, yes, but just tough altogether with respect to my healthiness mindset. Please let me explain.

I wrote that last week, I had a bad week of eating. On the Saturday that I wrote the post, I wrote about how glad I was for a chance at a fresh start the next day. And I really was. And I really meant it.

What I didn't write though was that I think on some level I treated that day like it was my last day of freedom, even though I didn't realize it at the time. That Saturday afternoon/evening, I ordered pizza. There were several reasons - I didn't have anything at home I wanted to eat, it was a football Saturday and I didn't want to leave to get groceries or something from a restaurant - but when I reflect on it, I think the main reason was just that I wanted a last day of freedom. The special I usually order when I get pizza was no longer available (boo), so I ordered a new special...that had cheese bread included. Excellent healthy choice, right? Not so much. The next day - the day of my official weigh in - I was up. By a LOT! I was up to 239.8!! I have lost this weight in a few days, but why do I keep doing this to myself?! This is classic self sabotage.

This week I really wanted to pack my lunches more. It is easier to track that way, and it is also a wiser financial choice. I only did this one day. There is no logical reason for this, especially given that I made enough food to pack for the week on Sunday. I also ate out several times for dinner (although many of these times, I believe it was the only option).

I started out tracking for the week, but I stopped around Tuesday. To be honest, the headache thing really frustrated and annoyed me. When I pack my lunches they are huge -- HUGE -- in terms of the volume they occupy! They take up a ton of space in my lunchbox and nothing else will fit in there. However, I was left hungry and I refuse to deal with headaches. The answer is obviously to get a bigger lunchbox and/or find better/more filling foods to pack - but almost every single one of the foods I ate Monday was designated a WW "filling food"!

I have written before about how my drive/motivation to lose weight waxes and wanes periodically. Here is a picture of my weight since I started this quest to get healthy.

My first WW hiatus was at the end of October. I ended up gaining weight (10ish lbs.) over the holidays and first set of problems with my back/SI joint (which I mention because it really inhibited my ability to exercise). In May I also took a hiatus from WW and had more problems with my back/SI joint, and I ended up getting depressed. I gained 4 lbs. and have yet to lose those back even though I have been flirting with being on WW again since early August!!

Sometimes I feel burned out and just peace out on losing weight for awhile. Now to be clear, this doesn't mean I want to live unhealthily. I still want to exercise, I mostly want to eat healthy (although this week I have totally sucked at this), and I don't want to gain weight -- but I just don't have it all together enough to focus on losing weight. I am starting to feel like this again, which is quite different than the "I want to lose 10 lbs in the next 2 months even though I hate those time/weight goals!" I felt just last week.

What is this? Is it resignation? Frustration in disguise? The first sign of slipping? I feel comfortable at this weight? I am not sure, but I feel like I need to figure this out.

I don't believe 235 is a healthy weight for me. I am still ~47% body fat which is way too high. However, I just don't know if I have what it takes right now, mentally, to lose weight. I cannot gain it back though. That just is not a good option at all.

Does anyone have any insights or related personal experience to share? I would appreciate it. It will help me as I process through this. Maintenance might be enough for now, but I am determined to reach a healthy weight -- even if it takes 5 years -- eventually. I don't think staying 235 forever will work for me.

"The Summer Really Suits You!"

Today I was on my way up to my office when I saw someone I hadn't seen for awhile. I said hi, making the usual pleasantry small talk. She paid me a really nice compliment - "You look really great. The summer really suits you!"

I had an internal "WTF?!?!?" moment. This summer has monumentally sucked for me. I've been depressed, injured, and my productivity has been impeded significantly. Nothing -- seriously I can think of really literally almost nothing -- has gone as I expected. Those 1000 miles I was going to bike this summer? Nope. Back injury. Those 20-30 lbs I would have loved to lose? Nope - lost 15, gained 5 back. Lack of injury and discipline + inability to exercise. Those four papers I was going to submit? Nope. Got one done, probably will get a second done but definitely not four. The big "you have to submit this" grant I was supposed to submit? Did not happen. Not the summer of my dreams or plans. And certainly nothing that I have felt "suits me".

Apparently I am hiding all of this pretty well. The complete "I am going to fall apart at any moment" feelings that I so often feel must be tucked out of sight of most. Many of you even commented on how happy I look in those pictures I posted last week. Ironically, I felt soo much better when I posted those pictures in May than I did when I posted the pictures last week. However, I can flash my million dollar smile and you will all be none the wiser, unless I let you in. I had a meeting that I cried in anticipation of with a friend/colleague on the phone for literally 1.5 hours. The meeting went fine and my boss thinks life is hunky dory. It's clearly not. I am not sure if this is good or bad, but I am just apparently quite good at hiding this and letting people think that life is ok.

I have to look at the big picture though. I have submitted a paper. Other things at work are moving along ok, which is good. Not as fast as I want, but they are moving forward. Although I haven't lost as much weight as I want, I am still better than I was 90 days ago and I am getting help from a counselor to work through my food- (and other-) related neuroses. I am working to get things in my head squared a way and to make changes that I believe are sustainable in the long term so that healthy living is a part of my lifestyle, and not just a flash in the pan.

This post, too, has been rambling like so many of them lately. I appreciate all of your support, and I love to hear from you in the comments. I am determined that I will make it through this tunnel of darkness and emerge on the other side. I appreciate the role that blogging and the community of support has played in this. Thank you so very much. I will choose to believe that this summer really does suit me. I will fake it until I make it.

Stream of Conciousness

This blog has been sorely neglected... I still think about it sometimes, although I do less and less. I am just not sure where my head and my heart are lately.

Since learning that I could once again affix the "depression" label to myself, life has seemed harder. I am not sure why. Things are the same as they have been, perhaps even better now that I am on a path to get some help. However, knowing that I am officially depressed almost justifies and validates how crappy I feel and, sometimes, provides just the excuse I need to not do what I don't want to. And that is bogus.

Today, I have another appointment at the counselor. I am not looking forward to it but am hopeful that it will help me. I will let you know.

Some interesting things have happened on the job front. I have to be vague since I have a sneaking suspicion several of my students (and maybe even coworkers) read this blog, but let's just say this. There have been opportunities that have arisen and the timing of these opportunities is either a huge huge coincidence, or a big sign. I am trying to process what all of this means, and how I will proceed. Right now I am just confused and not really believing in my decision-making ability. We will see what happens.

Last week, I received my first blog award. Not only did I receive one, but I received two! Thanks to Cariann at Pencil Skirt Bound and Bunpoh at the Angry Inch. Check out their blogs if you get a chance. I really appreciate you sharing this award with me and will likely do the "assignment" with it later. I hate that it feels like doing everything -- even a simple and somewhat enjoyable task like this feels like I have a mountain to climb. It is ridiculous.

The symptom or the problem?

I have known that things with me have not been right with me for awhile. I couldn't figure out what it was, but I knew that I needed to get into a counselor ASAP. As I have written about before, I have been in counseling before and found it very helpful.

I put off calling the counselor last Friday. Finally around 4:45, I called. No surprise; he wasn't in the office. What did surprise me, however, was how tough it was to place the call.

"Nah, you're really ok," my inner voice said. But every shred of evidence and an even deeper inner voice pointed toward the truth. Things are not ok. I am not ok. And I need help.

My eating had been spiraling out of control. Not out of control binge city 24-7, but enough to know that I was teetering on the edge of a cliff that, if I didn't find my way off of, was certain to lead to impending doom. I have worked too hard to make too many good changes to sacrifice this progress. The 3-4 lbs I've gained over the last two week are simply the warning sign of what's certain to be a downward spiral if I'm not careful. My mental health felt similar to how my back feels right before it's about to cause me major trouble. I am learning to recognize the signs.

I was unsuccessful in getting in touch with my counselor from before, so I took to the internet to find someone knowledgeable about food issues and eating disorders. It seems odd to think of myself as having an eating disorder because I have a mental image of people with eating disorders being skinny -- usually scarily and unhealthily so -- and that I sure ain't. However it's hard to make a compelling argument that my thoughts around food are healthy, and that my eating is not disordered, so I think I fall into this category (not to mention that binge eating disorder is officially recognized by the medical community as a problem).

I found a counselor with eating disorder expertise, of course did a bunch of background googling on her, and ended up deciding to give it a shot. I met with her for the first time yesterday.

I went in there expecting to talk about food, how I could reframe my relationship with food, and, eventually get more sane, healthy, and normal in my relationship with eating and food. However, we talked about the gambit of things. The official diagnosis? I am depressed. Very depressed. Again. DAMN IT!!!

As I think about it, though, she is right. Ever since I had the problems with my hip and back recur -- and have had to spend lots of time inside, not doing much so I don't hurt myself more, etc -- I have sunk deeper into a funk. I hate that.

The food and the overeating is a symptom of the problem, not the main problem (for now). The problem is depression, and food is just a coping mechanism for the problem. I will work on my relationship with food during counseling, but I will also work through the other stresses surrounding my life -- most notably, my job and my difficult time finding friends here. By dealing with the root causes and dealing with the food stuff too, I hope I can get fixed. I hate feeling broken, but admit that it's tough to get past the brokenness without acknowledging it first.

I am glad I was able to catch this 3-4 lbs into a gain rather than 20-50-60-100 lbs in. I am optimistic that working with someone who understands disordered eating, life as an academic, and mental health in general will be helpful. And I believe in myself and my ability to overcome depression, again. For the second time since I've moved here. Is this a sign of something?!?!

Not dead, and not quitting

I haven't written here in over a week. That is a long time for me. I have several things I want to write about, but have yet to find a moment when I have both time and inspiration to do so. I do want to let those of you who are curious know that I have been having a hard time with food/healthy living lately, but I am most assuredly fighting and totally not giving up. This is a fight that I am determined either to win, or to go down swinging. Fortunately, I am so competitive, I think I will find a way to win. No one wants to lose at the game of life.