By Myself

I have been failing miserably at this healthy eating and healthy living thing. I am pretty disgusted with myself.

I am realizing a lot of things about myself. Things that I don't like.

• I can now binge on food that is healthy. Eating a whole watermelon in one sitting? Done that, just last week. Twice. I also ate 1/2 bushel of peaches last week. By myself.
• Once I have a slip, the next one is so much easier both to rationalize and to execute.
• Once I stop having quiet time, it is hard to reinstitute. When I'm not regularly spending time with God I forget that I'm not the one overcoming this compulsive overeating thing (at least not in my own power).

I haven't worked out in almost a week. I have not eaten well since Thursday and I really went off the rails last weekend. Today was a little better, but still rough. And I look bloated and my face looks so fat. I am not sure if anyone else would notice, but it looks really terrible to me.

But most of all, I feel ashamed and mad at myself, and kind of sad. The topic at tonight's OA meeting was willingness -- and I really needed to hear that. I forget that I need to just be willing to do what God asks me to do with food, and remember to ask for His help to tell me what to do. I realize that may sound simplistic to many, but it is really one of the things that has revolutionized all of this healthy eating thing for me.

Doing this by myself and in my own strength just does not work.

Struggling with food, what now?

The week has been great with respect to my personal productivity. I have worked a LOT this week, and I am very proud of the way everything has shaped up. I actually think I have a really good shot to get this proposal funded, which no joke would change my career and my life (this award is very prestigious). But even if I don't, I am very proud of the work I've done and grateful for the help of colleagues and friends who have offered very helpful suggestions to improve the quality of my work, and spent their valuable time reading the proposal and offering improvements. So so grateful.

While the productivity has been great, the eating especially the last two days have been bad. Yesterday I'd say I had my first act of willful disobedience with respect to food. I was working with my grad student at a coffee shop. We'd worked together for probably 10+ hours over the course of the week at this coffee shop. While I was very grateful for her willingness to work there and work so hard, it has been stressful since the reason we've been meeting is that this one aspect of our research is not coming together.

It was about 6:30 (yes, on a Friday) and we were still at the coffee shop. Things hadn't been working out. I wasn't hungry, but to say I was stressed and tired? Yes, that'd be a fair characterization. I decided I wanted something sweet.

Now I'm really not opposed to sweets or enjoying them to moderation -- assuming you have planned for them and have the points budgeted and you're hungry for them. This was none of the above. This was an impulse, I'm out of points and just want to eat for comfort decision. The thing I ate was expensive, not that good, and overall not worth it. And I ate every bit of it. Reminded me of the old days.

In talking to a friend this week, I've realized I'm getting reasonably good about responding to the moment-of-crisis "I am so sad or angry and all I want to do is eat" things without relying on food. I am not, however, good at this low-level but ever present stress that wears down my resolve and makes me want to eat. I have experienced this all week, and for the last two days have responded really poorly. It's like "dude, the reason I am stressed is because I am working hard and all the time; I really don't have time to get on an OA meeting!", yet that is when I need the meetings/support the most.

I am struggling with feeling like "Meh, I've already blown it I might as well go off the rails now" thing today. Overcoming compulsive eating is hard.

Losing it

As I sit here at a table at my favorite coffee shop staring at my laptop and at the empty plate that once held carrot cake, I'm forced to admit I'm losing it. I have a huge deadline in a little over a week and I am struggling. I was feeling good about what I've done toward the goal, but the more advice I receive the more confusing it gets. Person A says "Add item X; your proposal is not clear without item X." Person B says "Item X muddies the point and takes up too much space. And WTF are you talking about with item Y?? You really need to add item Z."

This feedback is great. It is honest, and it is the result of people taking the time to read a long document which is a sacrifice of their valuable time. I am so so grateful for this -- but at the same time it's confusing. And stressful. And I'm working like crazy to make sure I am doing the best I can to do justice to their comments, and to make my document as clear and concise as possible. But damn is it sapping my energy and making me stressed.

If you are the praying sort, please pray for me because I am seriously about to lose it. I am sleeping more and more and I still wake up exhausted. Part of me is concerned because I wonder if this is exhaustion or the onset of depression; either is not good for productivity. I am trying to feed my body healthy things, make sure I still exercise, and mostly ignore how tired I am. I will make sure I get 7 hours of sleep every night, but I simply can't afford 8.5+ hours/night right now (even though I did get that last night because I was so tired). I know it is not effective to work 24-7, but it is hard not to fall victim to doing that right now. I really want this proposal to be funded, and I am determined to do my very very best work before it is submitted. Please pray that I know where to establish boundaries so that I do not exchange my mental health for this proposal, and that I continue to rely on God and not food to get me through this very stressful season because I feel myself teetering on the edge.