Making Better Choices...

Stream of consciousness post ahead...

Things here continue to be busy; looks like I've finally hit my stride at work and so they'll just always be like this from now on, which is actually a pretty good thing since it means I'm finally making progress in my professional life.

Layer on top of this a move, and I'm just pretty stressed out. I don't want to buy too many groceries since I'm moving, but since so much of my diet is fresh fruits and vegetables, not buying groceries seems like a bad choice too. And it's really hard for me to believe that I'm moving in a week and I have so much to do. But I will get through things, just like I always do.

Finally, yesterday I made better food choices. Great? No. Better? Yes, and I'm optimistic I'm on my way to eating healthily again, which is great.

As to working out -- I had clothes packed for the gym yesterday, but I wasn't able to leave work until 5:24, I had to meet someone 15 minutes away at 5:30 (I hate being late and feeling rushed, but it's par for the course, lately), I left that appointment around 6:15, and I was starving (which was a great sign after just eating because I wanted to and not because I was hungry for almost the last week) so I knew I needed to eat before I went to the gym. I stopped at Walmart, got stuff for breakfast (string cheese), and bought some fruit, and then ate a couple pieces of string cheese and had some fruit and watched an episode of Teen Mom (guilty pleasure; don't judge). By then it was 8:15, and I knew I needed to do two things for work so I did them. Now it's 9:00 and I'm exhausted, and I fell asleep right then, and didn't wake up until 6:30 this AM. Yep, goes to show I'm exhausted lately since I've been burning the candle at both ends. For me, it's not sustainable and I need sleep or it just devolves into a bad scene.

I miss working out, but I am not going to beat myself up over it until I'm in some sort of a normal routine again (i.e., not moving and settled in). I hope to go today but won't be mad at myself if it doesn't happen since I routinely try to walk places instead of drive, take the stairs where possible, etc. Also, packing and running all of these errands, while not an official workout, takes a lot of energy and so I'll just hope that will not drive my fitness level into the ground.

And OA? I need to make a meeting soon. I haven't been since Saturday I think. I need to work that program seriously so I remember what's important about this healthy living thing.

Update

Posting here has been pretty sparse, for a few different reasons. First of all I've just been engaged in living real life -- life that doesn't just happen on the internet. It is so nice to have friends here to engage with; I am so grateful. Second, things have just been crazy here -- and not the good kind of crazy either.

My mental health has been tenuous at best for awhile. Depression is something I deal with, and when I am depressed I still often want to turn to food to help deal with the emotion and sadness. I fight very hard against this, but sometimes I give up on the food side of things. Now by giving up, I don't necessarily mean "I am going to eat this whole carton of (insert binge food of choice) and I don't give a shit!" (though I have done that a couple times in the last few weeks). I do, however, mean "Dealing with the food and tracking it and obsessing about it is too much to handle right now so I will try to make mostly responsible choices on my own." Well, apparently I either let the leash get too loose, or lost my sense of what was a responsible choice is or SOMETHING, because I was up about 12 lbs in the span of about 5 weeks. This week I tracked 6 days and lost 4 lbs, so that was a victory. Today started out rough, though, signaling that something in my brain/consciousness is not quite to where it needs to be yet. I will get there though, one day and decision at a time.

I have made the decision to get back into therapy. I really fought this idea hard, but I am absolutely convinced I need to be in therapy for now. The first session really sucked, but, again, I think I need to be there for now. I am optimistic that I will be able to fix my destructive negative self-talk and being so hard on myself. I am also convinced, though, that it will be difficult and is likely to cut into some very deep and painful places that I don't really want to go. But, for the sake of my mental health and long-term well-being, I will go there.

One of the things my therapist told me I needed to do was to identify a support mechanism for healthy living (I hate to just term this life transformation I'm on as "weight loss", as the weight is but a symptom of the underlying problem of disordered thoughts and behaviors about food).

I have written before about how I've considered joining Overeaters Anonymous. I finally decided this week to go -- and I was very surprised (in a good way) at what I found. I will have to write a separate post to sum up my experience. However, I will say that that the meeting I attended was great, and that I identified with pretty much everything everyone said. It was cool/odd/great to feel understood in a way that I never really have with respect to my disordered eating. I think that at least for now it is exactly where I need to be -- I will definitely keep going!

Good Riddance Snow!

(L) My car buried in about 2.5 ft of snow after a historic snowfall. The snow was almost up to the top of the doors of my Honda Civic.

(R) After 1 hr, I freed my car with the help of 2 guys, 2 girls, 1 cookie sheet, 2 brooms, windwhield de-icer, a snow shovel, a Nissan XTerra, a tow strap, and a Chevy Silverado. Success!

I am over this snow. It was nice to have a bit of a break from school (we have had 6 or 7 days of school cancelled which is insane a) for Arkansas b) for a university), but I am so over this. SO. OVER. IT!

Today it was 70 so I was able to go for a bit of a bike ride. It was so nice, and for an Ohio girl quite odd to have a day of biking just a couple days after having 24" of snow dumped on us this week. Arkansas is just not equipped to handle this kind of weather and neither am I after having lived here for a few years. But I digress...the biking weather this weekend was lovely.

Having missed so much school and being stuck in my house for days on end has severely messed with my routine. That is, there hasn't been one. I also noticed today that it has messed with my body too. Because I have not been able to go to the gym that much and have not been disciplined about doing exercise at home, I think I have lost a slight bit of definition in my arms. I also realized today that I don't do much explicitly to workout my lower body these days -- I think the closest thing is the spin class I do on Tuesdays (when I'm not stuck in my house due to snow...). I really need to pick up my strength training/toning game because it helps me to feel better about myself and stronger. Also I am sure there is some truth to the metabolic benefits of being more muscly than fatty.

This week as I re-establish some sort of routine (no chance of snow this week -- thank goodness), I am going to be intentional about getting a well-rounded workout schedule. I want to incorporate a couple days of cardio, some good strength training/toning, and it is critical for my back that I am intentional about stretching and yoga.

What do you guys do to workout? (i.e., how much strength training vs. cardio? what types of exercise do you do) Any suggestions for me? I'm willing to spend an hour a day, 6x/week and I want to make sure I get a total body workout over the course of a week.

This week and next week

It's Friday!  I love Fridays!!!  Yes, I love that it's the end of a workweek, but I also love the yoga at lunchtime and the Zumba after work.  What a fun exercise day.

This week I got pretty freaking sick.  It was so unpleasant.  Turns out that nausea I described was a precursor to a pretty unpleasant Monday night, Tuesday and Wednesday.  Let's just leave it at that, shall we?  The good news is that once I got better, it was like I was better 100%, not a couple days of getting-over-sickness purgatory.  I was grateful to be able to be back to my regular life.  However, those couple days out of work (and, basically, out of everything except sleeping and watching crappy reality TV) really put me behind on a couple of things I want to/need to wrap up at work.

Reason?  I am going to be out of town all next week.  I will be headed to Austin for my biggest annual professional conference.  By the way, I look at the picture in the post I linked and think "Man I looked huge there!"  Even though I have "only" lost 20 lbs in the past calendar year since that picture was taken, I think my body has changed significantly.  I will have to take a picture next week for comparison.  I also look in my alignment in that picture and it kills me - look at how much lower the shoulder on the right is than the shoulder on the left!!  These alignment issues are caused by my SI problems.  Looking back at it, it is crazy - at the time I did not realize what a struggle those back/SI issues would be and how much pain and frustration they would cause.  It is crazy what I am learning about myself as I take my health really seriously and want to be the total package of wellness.  I know how to take so much better care of my back issues now.  Yoga has been key for me on this - tight muscles are just a breeding ground for a sore back; yoga helps me to stay flexible and limber.  That, and cutting out running and deadlifts even though I wish I could do both.

At the conference next week, my objectives are first and foremost to network and learn a lot, but also to catch up with friends, keep the eating under control while allowing myself a couple treats from the local cuisine, to exercise without giving myself a complex about it, and to get plenty of sleep.  We will see how I do.  Travel and being in unfamiliar places is something I still struggle with and have to concentrate hard on.

The reason I want to get plenty of sleep?  Thursday I leave for Disney World!!  I can't wait.  I will arrive back in Arkansas, be in town for about 13 hours to teach my class, and then leave!  I read that the average Disney guest walks about 8 miles/day.  It may be worth getting a pedometer to estimate how much we walk.  I am excited not only for the fun Disney stuff, but also to see two dear friends I haven't seen in about a year.  Should be great fun!!!!!

All this means a marathon weekend to get ready - doing laundry, packing for two sets of stuff and getting ready for a quick changeover, etc.  One of the oddest/funniest things are these vanity activities I now feel I "need" to get done like getting a pedicure since I will be rocking sandals all the time at Disney.  When I was a lot fatter, I did not care really at all how I looked.  Now I do, and so I want to look good and take care of details to do so (though I still rarely wear makeup).  Yay for having pride in my appearance I guess?

Hey if it's part of the package of actually having a healthier self image, I'll totally take it!

Out of the Closet

I have mentioned before that I am getting more involved with a community group from my church. I like the people in it and am starting to feel more comfortable and safe revealing parts of myself to them. They still don't know all of the history with my dad (probably going to drop at least parts of that bomb tomorrow), but I made a big step to one person yesterday: I told her that I struggle with food.

That was it. I didn't go into the details (though I later did thank her for her empathy and share with her the link to the blog in case she was curious via e-mail), but it feels good to have at least one person know. Ironically, I told her this after I had been with our group at McDonalds. I had a walnut/apple salad and actually the sight/smell/thought of McDonalds not only no longer has any appeal to me, it totally grosses me out. The circumstances/significance of our being there is another societal rant all by itself that I will forgo for now.

It feels good to have at least one person know my "secret". Now part of me thinks, "Who are you kidding - you wear size 18 and are welllll over 200 lbs; your struggle is no secret!!", but another part of me thinks of the years of shame and secret eating and knows that this is a huge deal to have my "secret" out in the open. I am similarly divided on the significance of this revelation - I mean, the title of my blog states that food will NOT define me forever, so why am I making a big deal of my dysfunctional relationship with food if I don't want it to define me? But the other part of me knows that still I often teeter on very tenuous ground and that I am not yet to the place where I can regularly control my eating; this in fact makes this revelation very noteworthy and underscores the importance of being vigilant about it at all times. Although I don't want food to define me forever, my wrestling with the emotion attached to food is still at the forefront of my day to day life and, as a result, still largely does define me for now.

Revealing my struggle was a big huge step for me. I am not sure what happens next with these people and in how they relate to my journey to have a healthy relationship with food - while I do not want them to change their food-related behavior around me, I will appreciate their understanding when I act weird around food or just forgo a lot of the food choices that are available. Further, trusting people in church-related situations is HUGE for me, and I made what for me is considered a huge step by telling one person from this environment about my problem.

I sometimes think it must seem so weird to someone who has never struggled with disordered eating before to hear that people "struggle" with food, just like I think some addictions are weird (e.g., I cannot for the life of me understand the hoarding thing!). The good news is that, even if the person I told felt like this, she never showed it at all. Could be that she is a counselor. Could be that she has a good poker face. Or, maybe just maybe, it could be that she is kind and trustworthy and genuinely empathetic. Believe it or not, my money is on the last option. I am starting to trust. I hope it is not a mistake.

Multitasking - aka, I haven't arrived yet

Right after I wrote the "woe is me, how can I possibly function in normal society around food" post, I got sick and ended up not even going to the potluck that I was simultaneously really looking forward to (I like the people in my group and I am excited to get to know them better) and dreading (I hate to handle myself around food when the choices are not really ideal). I was disappointed not to be able to go.

All of last week, I was sick.  It was that mid-level sick where you feel like crap and are tired and just want to sleep and do nothing, but you're not so sick that you can actually justify staying home or missing work.  I had an almost cold that made it hard to use my neti pot (too stuffed up but eventually it worked and now I can use it easily again) and just brought me down -- my attitude and my energy.  Last week contained a lot more sleep and a lot less exercise than I am used to these days.

Feeling sick also made me want to eat like crap.  I was just not up to cooking or preparing much myself.  Other than that I have no idea why I wasn't really feeling the healthy eating thing.  I was not too strict on myself and I actually did eat like crap for awhile -- i.e., I crossed the "I want to" line and went to the to the "I'm going to" side.

I was really upset and disappointed about all of this.  Not disappointed enough in myself to actually change things, mind you, but disappointed in myself nonetheless.  That is the perfect storm for a binge or for feeling down and planting the seeds of depression, but neither ensued.  I am proud of myself for that.  And grateful to modern pharmacology (Wellbutrin FTW).

I think the reason I was disappointed in myself was mostly because I realized that even though I thought my healthy choices had taken root and were full fledged habits, I realized as a result of being sick that they were not as habitual as I thought.  Alas.  I am back in control, though, and am making healthy choices again.  It feels good.

As a result of this sickness, I have realized something about myself.  I can really only handle one big thing at a time.  What I mean is that I (usually) can keep most of the balls that I juggle in my day to day life in the air and from crashing down.  However, I can only focus on one huge new initiative at a time.  Although I thought healthy eating was now just one of the balls that I juggled, I was disappointed and even a little surprised that it is not.  It is still in the "major initiative" category for me and as such requires a lot of thought and planning and effort.  Being sick and focusing on getting better displaced my effort to get healthy.  I will continue to work on living a healthy lifestyle and I will get better at it, but for now I am not to the point where it is reflexive.  Sigh.  

The good news is that I am not sick anymore and thus can focus on the broader picture of health that I have been working for for awhile now.  I will continue until I get there.  I will.  I am.

Infection

My tooth is infected. I am scheduled for a root canal on Thursday. I am hopeful that the antibiotic that the dentist gave me will mean that I will make a dent in the infection and that I will be out of pain permanently soon. Last night was a huge improvement; after not being able to sleep for several days without waking up every 15 minutes - 1 hr, getting an entire night of uninterrupted sleep was amazing. By next week I should be really back in the game. HURRAY!!!

Mixed News

Thank you very much for the support you offered me on the last post. I really appreciate it. There are so many things I appreciate about the kind words offered on this blog and in e-mails and texts and FB messages from you guys.

There are two groups of people who read this blog. First, there are the people who I have met online many of whom also are trying to overhaul their health and to lose weight. I very much appreciate these friendships because I know that you get "it". I don't know what "it" is, but "it" includes things like a super-unhealthy relationship to food, a propensity to binge, eating in secret, struggling in a size-ist world, etc. The things that normal sized people with regular "I eat because I'm hungry" relationships with food don't know about and don't deal with. It is helpful not to feel alone and not to feel judged by you all, and more than that to feel very supported by your friendship and our shared struggle to redefine and reframe our relationship with food.

The second group of people who read this blog are those I actually know or have known in real life. The vast majority of you are healthy-sized and have healthy relationships with food. It is really putting myself out there sometimes to talk as candidly as I do about my struggles to get healthy -- with eating, with bingeing, with depression, and so on. I appreciate knowing that you all support me even though your relationship with food is in a very different place. I find that the openness and transparency helps me to remain on track, and also in some small way I hope it helps you to understand how complicated the world of disordered eating can be. It's not as simple as "eat more and move less". There are so many mental/emotional etc things going on too.

Here is an update, and it contains mixed news.

• My toothache continued. It was usually just a lowgrade "ouch" and it didn't affect my ability to eat until yesterday. Yes, there were periods of sharp "OMG I want to pass out" pain, but they usually lasted about 15 minutes and I could get them to go away by brushing my teeth and/or Anbesol and/or a salt water rinse. Until last night. Last night the pain was relentless, I could not eat, and I could not get the pain to stop for anything -- not even a Lortab. I was googling around and learned that my problem might be a tooth abscess and so I started some of the homeopathic remedies I learned about to treat them. I had a really hard time sleeping, waking up at first every 15 minutes, then every 30 minutes, and finally every hour or so until about 4 AM. At that point, I was able to sleep until around 8 AM. Sure enough, when I woke up this morning, my abscess had popped (they will form a head like a zit and then the gross infection stuff will come out) and my tooth has not hurt much since then. I am so glad I have a dentist appointment on Monday.
• My food choices the last few days have been poor, but I have not binged. For example, I ate cheese fries yesterday for lunch. However, I did not do my old tricks of "today is blown because I ate cheese fries, so I might as well eat _____ and _____ and ____ too".
• The scale is holding relatively steady, and I am retaining water. I have been at 235 +/- 4 lbs for 90+ days now. I am glad not to be gaining weight, but I do wish I had it more together and I was doing what it takes to lose weight.
• I have exercised as usual. I think this is key in my not gaining weight; I am sure I would have blown up if I did not do a lot of exercise.

So, there it is. Thanks for checking on me. While I don't have any great "Man I am kicking tail!!" news, I don't have any "I'm in the depths of despair news" either. And today the high is only 80 and the weather is perfect for biking. I might bike down to campus to see the crazy excitement that is going on with the game if we win. Man, there would be out and out pandemonium. It would be super exciting. GO HOGS!!

Priorities and Having a Life

I have written before how the intense and crushing loneliness I have felt here has helped to fuel my depression, and how my depression has helped to fuel my unhealthiness and poor eating habits. I have great news to report on all of these fronts.

After a serious re-evaluation of my life this summer, I decided that changes were not optional. I had to find a way to either find friends here where I live or move on to new pastures, with the hope and belief that they would be greener. The good news is that I am starting to find friends here! There are figurative green pastures to accompany the real life beautiful scenery in Arkansas!! I am so grateful and relieved!! Another great thing is that one of my students lately is really en fuego. He is doing really well and we are making rapid progress on his research. This has meant that I've stayed late to work with him twice this week.

While both of these things are GREAT -- seriously, I am unspeakably delighted at the positive implications that these developments have on my mental health and my career -- they come at a cost. I have missed yoga twice this week. On Tuesdays, I struggle to find a way to eat between work, when I go to the gym for water aerobics, and a Bible study I am attending. I can either wait until I get home at 9:30-10 (HA!! you're kidding, right?!), eat the unhealthy (and usually not filling but usually delicious) snacks that are provided at the study, stop and get something but be late to the study, or leave work around 4:15 to get something to eat before going directly to the gym. None of these options are great, and I have yet to figure something else out.

In my life I have gotten into this routine that I like and feel comfortable with, exercising 6 days a week usually for an hour or two a day. With hints of a social life -- seriously, I did things with other people after work three times this week which literally is a record since I moved here 3 years ago -- it is not feasible to fit my new budding social life into my current schedule. Something has to go. This week, it was TV, two days of working out, to a large degree the healthiness of the food that I ate, and sleep. While I am willing to give up TV, the rest are harder to give up.

Please understand I am so so grateful that things in my personal and professional life are going well, especially after this summer where I considered chucking both in the depths of depression. However, my new social life leaves me with choices I haven't confronted in awhile and that aren't easy. I am confident I will figure out how to handle this, but for now I am feeling slightly overwhelmed and a bit unclear how to balance everything...but this is a good problem to have.

Another Vlog!

Here is the post from Jen, the Prior Fat Girl that I was talking about in the vlog.

Here is a graphic depicting my weight loss, starting last April that I talked about in the vlog. (It's hard to see unless you enlarge it, but I started a breath away from 300 and am now around 242.)

And, no, I was not exaggerating. The weather here really has sucked lately. Here is the map from when I was considering biking to work around lunch (I worked from home this morning). Needless to say, I drove.

Slammed

The last few days I've been slammed, mostly at work which somehow manages to ripple its mayhem through the rest of my life. I have not been packing healthy lunches, but eating out which is tough. Yesterday I forgot my gym clothes at home at decided to forgo the whole working out thing in favor of...working. And eating out (no, those two things are not as similar to working out as the name implies, sadly).

Today was full of...working. Went to work from 8-4:45, worked out (water aerobics and swim class), went to McAlister's Deli, made some poor food choices, and spent the evening there grading exams. Came home, drooled over some bikes with a friend who actually knows about bikes, and then prepped for my class. Now it's 10:09 PM and time to go to bed.

I haven't packed my lunch or my clothes for tomorrow, but I am going to go to bed in an attempt to get up for spin class. I can't even remember the last time I went. I bet it was literally two weeks ago. Not. Good.

You hear it often, but I have never paid attention. Being busy is so not the friend of being on plan. You have to plan to be on plan. I haven't planned the last two days, and I haven't tracked, and I definitely haven't been on plan. I will get back to it. Need to finalize that freaking three year review packet. The ultimate due date is Thursday, and after that is one step further up the chain (which is great, but scary -- and it seems to require more work/revisions each step it takes up the food chain).

Brief update

I actually have a lot to say, and I've been taking pictures to make posts. However, time really has not permitted it. Also for some reason I feel like I am retreating from the online world a bit -- reading fewer blogs, etc. Facebook remains a guilty pleasure though. I think I am just busier than I have been for a long time and I'm taking time from the online world and my online life/persona and using it in my real life.

One of the things that has struck me lately is my lack of focus. I work hard, I try to do a lot -- but I think I might be trying to do too much so I am going to reel back and just focus on eating better/less and moving more.

I think I am bidding adieu to the Perfect 10 challenge. I really appreciate Steve's willingness to organize it and line up sponsors, but the goals I set are somewhat arbitrary and not all directly related to my highest two priorities right now which are losing weight and working toward that gun show. I also joined a program at school called Commit to Fit which offers small group personal training and is a mechanism to help you work toward your goals. However, this translates into two weekly training sessions and with the other things that I do, I would either a) need to cut an activity or activities from my current lineup, or b) add an additional two hours of training to my week. I am unwilling to do a, and unable to do b. Therefore, I think the Commit to Fit is a no go for me. I am already committed to my fitness -- I think it would be hard to dispute that. I just am not willing to commit extra time to it. In a word, I need to FOCUS. In two words, I need to FOCUS and SIMPLIFY.

Today I made it through the day without a major binge -- the first Sunday I've done so in several weeks. I went to a Superbowl party and definitely splurged, but nothing I am embarrassed about and nothing like eating a whole pizza. It was interesting to watch and observe how other people dealt with junk food. I don't know how they would characterize their behavior, but none of them really overdid it. I bet they would say that they did, but really, they didn't. I would have kept going back and back for seconds in the past, but this time I kept it pretty sane. I did not track everything (and would have to make estimates for stuff), but I did keep the portions relatively reasonable. I would definitely be within my points for the week. (Although, incidentally, I was last week too when I ate an entire pizza on Sunday)

This post lacks focus, but I do want to let you know I am hanging in there, I am working out, I am eating right, and I am looking forward to my weigh in this week. I hope the news is good. I have been hitting all time lows for this bout of the weight loss journey -- numbers I haven't seen for more than 3 years.

Misc. Mish Mash

Today is weight watchers. Not sure what the scale would do, but I should be down a bit -- but I sabotaged myself again over the weekend. I must find a healthy way to do pizza or I will kill myself like this every weekend. And mess up the eating out goal.

Last night I had a show at the Walton Arts Center -- Drowsy Chaperone -- really cute. I've seen the show before and neither cast was stellar but the strength of the show always makes the material enjoyable. Bad news was I was gone from home from 7:40 AM - 9:30 PM and ate a meal out (still haven't figured out how to do the two meals away from home without eating out).

I have been so exhausted lately. Not "I'm so tired I am about to fall asleep in the middle of everything tired" but "I'm so tired there's no way I'm getting up at 5:15 to work out" tired. When I'm tired like that, I generally don't fight it. If my body is telling me I need sleep, I do. I work out after work and not working out twice a day will not kill me, even though I love morning spin class and love the idea of having two afterburns.

Misc. Updates

• This week is so f-ing busy. Both today and tomorrow are going to be work->gym->other engagement days which won't land me home until around 9 PM...and will require me either to pack two dinners or grab dinner out. I am going to grab dinner out and I won't feel badly about it, even though I won't make my Perfect 10 goal for the week. My heart is in the right place and I just cannot forsee an easy workaround for this (can't keep the food cold all day and I won't have access to a microwave at night). I would eat at home if I easily could.
• I have been getting lots of compliments on the way I am losing weight today. I must have picked something flattering to wear? Gotta love wearing black and gray.
• Today I am wearing a skirt I got from Target in October on clearance for $5. Although it did not fit at the time (much to my dismay), it was a 20 and I thought I would be able to get into it soon enough. Well, if by "soon enough" you mean "2.5 months later", it did :) I tried it on last night for kicks and it fit with some room to spare. Some good news to get my week going. I need it since I anticipate this week will kick my butt.

Christmas break

One of the beautiful things about academic life is the Christmas break we get. It is sad to read people's facebook status updates and blogs and think about them having to go back to work tomorrow. Sigh.

I have to say, this break is not ending up like I thought it would. First of all, this allergic reaction was not on my radar screen at all. Neither was the snowstorm we got on the night of Christmas Eve. As a result of the snowstorm, I stayed at home all day and had a low key day rather than just vegging out at the movie theatre as I had planned. I didn't want to go down the hill in my car or otherwise on very poorly-cared for streets. People in Arkansas have no idea how to take care of icy or snowy roads, and I heard the trucks weren't even out since it was Christmas Day.

Still, I've seen some of the movies I wanted to -- Up in the Air, Invictus, Precious, Avatar, the Blind Side -- already. However there are still more that I want to see, most notably Nine, Princess and the Frog, and Brothers. Brothers is already out of the movie theatre near my house, so I will probably go to a theatre about half an hour away to see it. Not sure when I'll see the rest.

In order to justify taking the day to go see a movie or three, though, I felt I had to work out before I went. The gym at school is open over the break (which I think is great!!!), but its hours are very limited. Today, for example, it is only open from 1-4:50. I opted instead to go to the mini-gym in my apartment complex. It's small, the equipment is not top notch, but it works in a pinch. I did 30 minutes this morning on the elliptical machine. It felt pretty good, but the time I-N-C-H-E-D by. I was too bored to continue. I might need to do a second shift tonight to feel like I actually got a decent workout done today. I must say, though, after two days of not taking a walk or doing anything official to work out, it felt good. Now I think I have earned some time to sit on my butt and enjoy a movie. I might even go out to eat today. I haven't eaten out since Monday I don't think, which has to be some kind of a record for me. We will see if I try to be stubborn and prolong my eating out-less streak, or whether I treat myself to some On the Border. Their guiltless grill shrimp fajita tacos are quite tasty. (In the spirit of honesty, though, I usually do get a little side of cheese dip to go with my meal. TSK, TSK.)

Weaning off Prednisone

Last night I was really tired at 10:30 so I decided to follow my tiredness to bed (very excited that I hoped it wouldn't be a struggle to fall asleep). I was up at 1:30, 3:15, 5:15, 6:15, 6:45, and finally I just got up at 7:45. I am going to take one full dose of prednisone today (not two), a half dose tomorrow, and then try to be done with it. I hope my allergy symptoms don't return and that I can get rid of this crap. I'm not a fan.

The sleep getting more interrupted and a killer ear ache (outer ear infection) and now the start of a cold are the straws breaking the camel's back for me. Because prednisone is an immuno-suppressant, the infection and cold are likely to get worse if I don't get off this stuff.

Mango Allergy Confirmed

I wrote earlier about how I thought I might be allergic to mangos. I wasn't really sure, and most of the stuff I read was about how people have bad reactions to the SKIN of mango and not the meat so I thought I would give it another shot. Astute observers might have noticed those mangos in my groceries.

I had cut up the mangoes on Friday evening and was very careful to wash my hands, not touch my face, etc. Saturday morning I was fine so I thought I had dodged the bullet. Phew, my mango career was not over! That morning I had mangoes, cottage cheese, and kiwi mixed together for breakfast. Quite tasty.

Monday my skin was blotchy and kind of angry at me. I was not sure what was the deal. You can see in this picture from Monday (incidentally on my trail exploration) that my face is fatter and puffier than the day before. I did not notice that until posting all of these pictures and writing all of these blog entries.

Tuesday morning I was feeling kind of terrible, and my face was puffier. It continued to worsen throughout the day. In fact, when I went to bed that evening, I was worried my eyes might swell shut and even found my phone and slept with it right next to me just in case I needed to call 9-1-1 about that very fact.

Wednesday morning I looked like death warmed over. Terrible. I decided I needed to go to the doctor since this clearly was not getting any better and since her office was going to be closed over the Christmas holiday.

She confirmed that it is very likely that I am allergic to mango and said not to eat them again, ever. Um, YEAH NO KIDDING! Fortunately, mango allergies are very unlikely to cause anaphylactic shock (the kind that swells your windpipe shut), so I do not need an epipen or anything like that. However, she did say that the allergy will likely get stronger over time so future exposure to mango is a definite no no.

She gave me a prednisone shot and prednisone to take for the next two weeks. Have you read about the side effects of this drug? They are NASTY! Insomnia is one of the ones that I think, objectively, is the worst. Dizziness is another one.

However, weight gain, increased appetite, water retention, and fat redistribution are side effects. To me, these seem like the worst (even though, as I said, on paper not being able to sleep is the worst). These particular side effects are really hard on me because it was such a goal of mine to keep my eating pretty un-indulgent over break while allowing myself some holiday treats (if that makes sense). I now can't even really check on this progress because the scale is rising and I'm not sure how much is real weight, how much is water weight, and what in the world is going on with my body. Oh well, I will do what is right and take these drugs. I will get the weight I gain off (if it isn't all water weight). I will be vigilent about portion control and watching what I eat. I will not let this defeat me. I have worked too hard and come too far to let this derail me.

So far I haven't had a major problem sleeping. I did wake up more often than usual and it was harder to fall asleep, but not too bad. The problem is supposed to get worse the longer you take the medicine.

A happy side effect, though, is that this prednisone has virtually eliminated any sciatic nerve pain that I have had since I started taking it. I've gotta look on the bright side of this situation, and be confident in the end that it will all work out. I am glad that I am on the mend, and that my allergy does not constrict my airway. That would be absolutely terrifying to feel like you were choking to death.

Food Saver

This summer I bought a FoodSaver and I have to say I love it. It is nice to be able to make food and store it in individually sized portions for later. It's like having TV dinners, but food that I have prepared (with ingredients I know I like and usually lower-sodium and tastier than traditional frozen meals). I was doing well with this for awhile, but with the hectic-ness that was this semester, I fell off the wagon and stopped using the FoodSaver. I have gotten a second wind over break and have been using it a lot.

So far I have made a couple things. I have more on my list to make this week.

One thing I made was Lentil Sausage soup. I'm typically not a soup person, but trust me this soup is good! I doubled the recipe and made a huge pot. In retrospect, that may have been a bit much as the recipe as written produces a ton of soup. However it is really really good, and nutritionally and taste-wise this soup is a winner. Lentils are high in both fiber and protein. I used Sam's chicken apple sausage in the recipe as well and let me tell you that is delicious! Highly recommend that to the Sam's Club members out there. I will be enjoying this soup for months to come.

Here's the yummy soup.

Note that FoodSavers don't really like packaging liquids. They will suck out all of the juice and leave only the solids behind, so you have to trick it by freezing the liquids first. First divide your soup (or other liquid) into the size that you'd like to freeze.

Then put them into the freezer. I did not let the soup freeze all the way, but only to the point where it was sludgy. This way, the FoodSaver would not suck out the liquid (it was frozen), but the soup sludge was pliable enough that I could manipulate all the bags so that they would lay flat. This way, they take up less space in my freezer.

I have also made shrimp and cheese grits to freeze this break. I fell in love with this dish when visiting a friend in Atlanta, and so I was excited to make it myself. It's not too healthy, but the portions suggested in the recipe are huge. Believe it, I could easily make it by on a smaller portion. 12 points per portion, now frozen away for treats at a later date.

I also made this cranberry sauce extraordinaire. I doubled the recipe, saved a fourth of it to enjoy over the holidays (i.e., half of the recipe as written), and packaged the rest into three bags to enjoy later. I love cranberry sauce and am delighted that I will be able to enjoy this throughout the year rather than just at Thanksgiving and Christmas (the kind you make yourself is SO much better than anything you can buy from a store!).

I give the Food Saver a good review. It sucks all the air out of the bags, and then seals them. This leaves your food much less susceptible to freezer burn. I find the food moist and flavorful when I reheat it; the texture rarely seems affected. That having been said, there are foods that freeze well (most meats and lots of casseroles) and things that don't (tomatoes and some other fruits and veggies), but you can usually get some indication as to whether or not your food will freeze well by googling around.

Groceries

I went to Sam's Club to really stock up on groceries over the break. I have been wanting to eat out less, both for health and financial reasons. I feel I can control my food better if I prepare it myself (e.g., I can use lowfat cheese, I can spices rather than fat to make food flavorful, etc). In addition, eating out can add up. Cheap food is rarely healthy at restaurants and healthy food is rarely cheap. Solution: eat at home more and start packing lunches. We'll see how the packing lunches thing goes.

Here's the loot I scored at Sam's. Yum. I think a key to being able to eat healthy is to have stuff ready. You can see the before and after pics below -- after as in after preparing them, not after eating them. (Minus, of course, the butter, ham and sausage which I put in the fridge for later) I tried to cut up everything so it would be ready to go in a jiffy for when I was hungry. I have been enjoying these groceries all week. Very tasty.

I have so many ideas for posts, but I lack the motivation to write them. Also I am really not feeling the idea of going to work but I have way too much to do so I need to get going. I don't want to post, I don't want to work, I don't want to do much of anything. I have the biggest case of the blahs, seasoned with a tinge of sadness. I hope this doesn't put me over the edge today, on a day where I am already eating out twice (taking my class to lunch to celebrate the end of the semester, and then going to a girls' night for one of the people in the office who is retiring).

Today is not the day to deal with feeling sad by gorging.

Today is not the day to deal with feeling overwhelmed by stuffing myself.

Today is not the day to deal with feeling like a loser by pigging out.

I can do this. Breathe in, breathe out, get breakfast, get dressed, and get to work. Hope the momentum pushes me through.