What's the real issue here?

This week -- especially the first part of the week -- has been one of the roughest I can remember. Today I mostly just feel numb. I got almost nothing done this morning! Very frustrating, especially since productivity is largely at the crux of the issue.

I did so well tracking, packing my lunches for the first part of the week. Last night, I just felt tired so I ordered a pizza. Was I craving pizza? Yes. Was it a conscious decision to order it? Yes. Now I don't believe any food is inherently "bad" or to be avoided completely, but was it right to eat the whole thing? No. Was it right to mix sugar with cream cheese and vanilla and eat it out of the bowl after I ate a whole medium pizza? Double no.

Then this morning, I felt really guilty about it. Ugh. But here's the thing -- for me, it's not about the food. It's about the hopelessness and exhaustion I feel sometimes. It's about feeling like I have "earned" less healthy food in copious amounts, and using food as a reward. That is unhealthy, and although I do it WAY less often than I did at almost 300 lbs, it is something that I still struggle with. I just realized in writing this post, though, that instead of focusing on controlling what I eat, I need to recognize that I really need to deal with the anxiety and stress and sadness that cause me to overeat. It is so much easier to slay the emotional eating monster when one is level-headed.

It is not about the foods, it's about about the feelings. I need to remember and focus on that. This mental health thing -- so easy to describe, so hard to handle sometimes. The good thing is that it is getting easier to recognize what is me vs. what is mental illness or depression. This week on Tuesday, for example, I thought I was really going to just collapse from the weight of all that is bearing down on me in a particular issue that's been going on. I wanted to stay home. I wanted to cry and eat all day. I wanted to be completely reclusive and avoid seeing anyone after work. Instead I went to work and bowling with friends afterwards (even though I didn't actually even bowl since my back was hurting; another reaction to stress). Going out and being social wasn't what I wanted, but it was probably what I needed. I recognized that it was the seeds of depression that made me want to do counterproductive things, and so I stepped in and seized control. I am able to do that more and more (hence, the ability to lose weight), but it is still not reflexive and is sometimes quite difficult. Like today, for example.

I am a work in progress and am not giving up. And I'm about to go get a healthy option for lunch, so take that emotional overeating!

Multitasking - aka, I haven't arrived yet

Right after I wrote the "woe is me, how can I possibly function in normal society around food" post, I got sick and ended up not even going to the potluck that I was simultaneously really looking forward to (I like the people in my group and I am excited to get to know them better) and dreading (I hate to handle myself around food when the choices are not really ideal). I was disappointed not to be able to go.

All of last week, I was sick.  It was that mid-level sick where you feel like crap and are tired and just want to sleep and do nothing, but you're not so sick that you can actually justify staying home or missing work.  I had an almost cold that made it hard to use my neti pot (too stuffed up but eventually it worked and now I can use it easily again) and just brought me down -- my attitude and my energy.  Last week contained a lot more sleep and a lot less exercise than I am used to these days.

Feeling sick also made me want to eat like crap.  I was just not up to cooking or preparing much myself.  Other than that I have no idea why I wasn't really feeling the healthy eating thing.  I was not too strict on myself and I actually did eat like crap for awhile -- i.e., I crossed the "I want to" line and went to the to the "I'm going to" side.

I was really upset and disappointed about all of this.  Not disappointed enough in myself to actually change things, mind you, but disappointed in myself nonetheless.  That is the perfect storm for a binge or for feeling down and planting the seeds of depression, but neither ensued.  I am proud of myself for that.  And grateful to modern pharmacology (Wellbutrin FTW).

I think the reason I was disappointed in myself was mostly because I realized that even though I thought my healthy choices had taken root and were full fledged habits, I realized as a result of being sick that they were not as habitual as I thought.  Alas.  I am back in control, though, and am making healthy choices again.  It feels good.

As a result of this sickness, I have realized something about myself.  I can really only handle one big thing at a time.  What I mean is that I (usually) can keep most of the balls that I juggle in my day to day life in the air and from crashing down.  However, I can only focus on one huge new initiative at a time.  Although I thought healthy eating was now just one of the balls that I juggled, I was disappointed and even a little surprised that it is not.  It is still in the "major initiative" category for me and as such requires a lot of thought and planning and effort.  Being sick and focusing on getting better displaced my effort to get healthy.  I will continue to work on living a healthy lifestyle and I will get better at it, but for now I am not to the point where it is reflexive.  Sigh.  

The good news is that I am not sick anymore and thus can focus on the broader picture of health that I have been working for for awhile now.  I will continue until I get there.  I will.  I am.

Still Fat

I have read a few posts this week that have really resonated with me. As you longer-term readers know, I started off seriously a breath away from 300 lbs. My decision to take action was independent of this number, although when I actually took the step to weigh myself, I have to say that I was absolutely shocked at how high it was, and my resolve to do something about my weight was strengthened.

I now feel so much better than I used to. I can and do ride my bike to work. I love to go to the gym. I crave vegetables. I’m so much healthier than I used to be. The difference really amazes me when I stop to contemplate it.

Sometimes, though, I’ll really be struck by how I’m still fat. I’ll catch a glimpse of myself in a three way mirror, or a full body mirror with bad lighting, and I’ll have to suppress my gag reflex. While I am really happy with the changes in my body and my habits, I’ll occasionally be reminded that I’m so not there yet – and when it happens, it sucks.

For my height, the weight charts indicate that I should be between 124 and 164. When I graduated from high school, I weighed around 195 (I think I actually weighed more and that our home scale was really generous with me). The lowest I’ve ever weighed in my adult life is 229.5. Lately, I’ve been weighing in in the 235-239 range. I think that if I get to around 180, I will be very very happy with my figure and may talk to a doctor about whether this is a healthy weight for me or if I should lose more weight.

If you run the numbers (and being an engineer, of course I do), I’m only about halfway there! I’ve done really really well with this lifestyle change and the fact that I’m only halfway there…it kind of sucks! Especially since the last 10 or 15 lbs are so much tougher to lose than the first.

Another thing I’ve been struggling with is the fact that I don’t like some of the changes in others that I see when I see them thin. For example, I love Jennifer Hudson and agree she was probably overweight when she started her journey. I’m also pretty sure that Weight Watchers won’t let her get too thin while she is their paid spokesperson. But her new body? I’m not feeling it. I think her head looks too big on her body now. And I don’t like it.

I’m not sure if it’s because I’m not used to her the way she looks when she's bigger, or what. I’m not sure if it’s becase I usually feel quite happy when I look at myself in the mirror now that my 2+ chins rarely show up in pictures anymore – I usually just see one. I’m not sure why, but I have a harder time accepting the new bodies of some people who have drastically overhauled their lives. How much harder will it be to accept my own? This is something that I struggle with. (But PS it's really not any of my business. They are the masters of their own destinies, thanks...)

I am glad that I acknowledge this issue that I have now and am really really working hard to resolve this so that I don’t sabotage my progress as I get further down the road. One of the bloggers I really respect and identify with and have learned a lot from, Lyn at Escape from Obesity, has discussed this at length over on her blog. Seeing her thoughts on this issue have helped me to identify and begin to wrestle with my own thoughts. I really appreciate this and am determined not to let this mess me up as I get closer to my own goals.

Guilt

The original title of this post was "Sick sick sick", but after I started writing it, I decided to retitle it "Guilt".

I am really sick. I have very nearly lost my voice, so teaching today is out of the question. I am really believe it or not bummed about canceling class as I really enjoy my students this semester, and am loving the classes I teach too. Also I feel guilty because my undergrads have an exam a week from Friday and I feel bad about that too. However, there is truly no way I could really teach class today so there is no need feeling guilty.

But yet I do. Guilt is something that I struggle a lot with, not only in the weight loss aspects of my life, but also in virtually every arena. I've gotten better at managing it, but not great.

For example, my eating this week has been pretty bad. Let me explain, first of all, that it is all relative. My eating has been atrocious relative to my recent life of living on plan, tracking religiously, and making sure to eat enough fruits and veggies. I've definitely sucked at basically all of that this week. However, relative to my pre-WW/get healthy days, my eating has probably been a B+. It is all relative. For example, last night I went out between work and seeing a show at the Walton Arts Center (The Jazz at Lincoln Center Orchestra, who were AMAZING and deserve a post of their own. I can even make it WL/healthy living related -- trust me, I thought about how I could plug them on my blog!). I went to Grubs -- a place right next door to the arts center who, at least among my colleagues at work, are known for their excellent cheese fries. Man they are good. I used to order those and make it my lunch. Huh, I wonder how I made it to 299 again?!?

Last night I ordered half an order and had them leave off the queso (they still melt cheese on top). I ordered a burger too, because I wanted protein. I decided on the Philly Burger because I wanted one with veggies on top -- it came with green peppers, onions and mushrooms. When they brought me the burger I thought "OMG there is enough meat here for 3 burgers!!". I used to not even think twice about that. I think I am really starting to readjust my view of what a healthy portion size is. Now, I did eat the whole thing. But the fact that I can even recognize it is certainly a step in the right direction. And attempting to balance my meal (adding veggies and making sure to get protein, and downsizing what it was that I really wanted) was something I would not have done in the old days.

Another thing I feel guilty about is not exercising this week, but this is a guilt I am relatively quick to dismiss. I really don't think that my body needs to spend time exercising right now while it probably needs rest and TLC to recuperate, and I think it was an especially good idea to skip swim class yesterday with all of the congestion I have going on right now.

I think guilt is often an extension of our conscience. We feel guilty because our conscience is telling us not to do something, or that we have made a mistake. In that regard, I think it is healthy. However, there are some times when I think guilt is counterproductive. For example, feeling guilty this week for not exercising I believe is silly since I am so clearly struggling on the health front now. I am just not sure how to manage all of this, but I think managing guilt and finding the healthy level of guilt that keeps us mostly on track but allows us some freedoms is going to be key to living this lifestyle longterm. I will eventually figure it out. And for today, I will try to just get a ton of sleep so I don't think about the guilt and start to feel better.

Weight Watchers - Week 6

Mixed emotions. That is a summary of this post. If you're interested in the details, keep reading. But a summary is that this week I have mixed emotions and I am down 1.5 so that my official WW weight is now 250.

Remember that last week I lost half a pound, which I was not too stoked about. I thought that this week I would have a decent loss, and that I would also get the extra 1-2 lbs I thought I earned last week. It didn't quite work out this way.

I think I have confessed it here but I am typically a daily weigher. I like to see what's going on so that I am not blindsided at the Weight Watchers meetings -- and because I'm a number/metrics girl. This week the scale was. not. moving -- but my body fat percentage was dropping. That feels great. My scale also has some algorithm to determine body age (whatever that is) based on your weight and body composition, and mine this week is the lowest it ever has been since I've had the scale (about 6 months). I'm also really starting to *feel* skinnier. My face is skinnier. My chins are starting to abate. My upper arms are getting really solid. I like these changes, and they're not ones that show up on the scale -- so that part of the "get healthy and reclaim your life" program feels great.

At the same time, I want to see the scale move! I track everything and stayed within my points. However, this week wasn't stellar. I went to a friend/colleague's house and did not hold back altogether. I ate 34.5 points at dinner, and 55 points for the day. I ate out several times. You can see from my points tracker I ran through my 35 points really quickly and ate under 40 points only twice this week. I stayed within my points limit, though, because I exercise so much. Again, I have mixed feelings about this. I am glad I can stay on plan, but I am sad that my on plan technically is so above what I "should" do and above the 31 points I get daily. I need to reflect on this.

So, that's how the WL is here. I lost weight, but not that much. However, I have mixed feelings about it. First of all, I have lost 13 lbs in 6 weeks which is remarkable and consistent so I feel great about that! I feel like that is a healthy, sustainable pace. However, I expected more this week. I want consistently to get 2-3 lbs a week. I am still at 250 even though unofficially I have weighed less than that in the mornings for almost 2 weeks. I want to hit that number at Weight Watchers and get recognized for losing 50 lbs!!! It will happen, it will just take time. I need to stick this out, and it will happen.

Weaning off Prednisone

Last night I was really tired at 10:30 so I decided to follow my tiredness to bed (very excited that I hoped it wouldn't be a struggle to fall asleep). I was up at 1:30, 3:15, 5:15, 6:15, 6:45, and finally I just got up at 7:45. I am going to take one full dose of prednisone today (not two), a half dose tomorrow, and then try to be done with it. I hope my allergy symptoms don't return and that I can get rid of this crap. I'm not a fan.

The sleep getting more interrupted and a killer ear ache (outer ear infection) and now the start of a cold are the straws breaking the camel's back for me. Because prednisone is an immuno-suppressant, the infection and cold are likely to get worse if I don't get off this stuff.

No big news

Things here are moving along. I have taken lots of pictures that I need to upload and write about, but all in all -- no big news to report. Things are more or less on track.

I have so many ideas for posts, but I lack the motivation to write them. Also I am really not feeling the idea of going to work but I have way too much to do so I need to get going. I don't want to post, I don't want to work, I don't want to do much of anything. I have the biggest case of the blahs, seasoned with a tinge of sadness. I hope this doesn't put me over the edge today, on a day where I am already eating out twice (taking my class to lunch to celebrate the end of the semester, and then going to a girls' night for one of the people in the office who is retiring).

Today is not the day to deal with feeling sad by gorging.

Today is not the day to deal with feeling overwhelmed by stuffing myself.

Today is not the day to deal with feeling like a loser by pigging out.

I can do this. Breathe in, breathe out, get breakfast, get dressed, and get to work. Hope the momentum pushes me through.

Not on track

This morning I weighed in at 259.2. Saturday morning, I was 255.something. There is a very real possibility this is all real weight, not salt or retained water weight. Yuck. I am embarrassed.

My food Saturday was...indulgent. I went to the movies and even ordered popcorn. What a waste. It was good, but not good enough to justify all the calories. On the way home I stopped at a gas station and got two hot dogs (I had driven 2 hrs away so I could see Precious, which is not playing in our market and is unlikely to) in addition to a stick of cheese and Doritos. I forget what all I ate Sunday, but I do know that I made delightful Christmas cookies and ate a lot of them. And I have eaten a lot of them in the days since. They were not good enough for me to take to work (too hard/not soft enough), but of course I had no problem jettisoning them down the hatch. Maybe I should get rid of the rest. I guess it is progress that at least some of them have survived to today? That's a very small consolation prize.

Last night was our department's annual Christmas party. Our boss goes all out and we have dinner at the swankiest of swank restaurants in town each year. This year's was great. There was also some good news here. Because the restaurant was so swanky, they give tiny portions, not the 2-3 realistic meal sized portions you'd get at, say, the Olive Garden. However, I did have all four courses of the meal. It was delcious and there were some indulgent choices, but not an all out bingefest. I would give myself a B-/C+ on that meal. Too bad I had a plate full of cookies when I came home in addition to a normal-ish sized meal.

I am bummed that I cannot counteract any of this with exercise. I may try to go to the gym today anyway; it just depends how I am feeling. I am absolutely slammed at work (that is what happens at the end of the semester), and am not sure if I have time to go and obviously I am not sure if I am physically capable of going.

I have tickets tonight to an event at the Walton Arts Center which is about the Rat Pack and Christmas. I LOVE the Rat Pack, and I am ok with Christmas but this thing looks like it will be a festering turd. I really wish I had traded in the tickets for credit to use to go to something else. I do not really think I have time to go, because I need to pack for a trip (out of town tomorrow through Sunday; serving on an NSF panel). We will see. Somehow I will manage to get this all done, and hopefully I can still get some sleep. We will see. I need to stop writing this post so I can get a jump on my day.

Where I have been...

First of all, I appologize for the lack of posting lately. Things have been busy and, well, I have fallen off the wagon somewhat and that is exactly when I should be posting. I have also been really discouraged.

As to the "Yay I can exercise!" and "Wow, I am so going to own this Thanksgiving!" posts? Yeah, not going so well. I woke up several times through the night on Sunday with excruciating hip pain that has lasted all week. It totally sucks. My eating this week has been good sometimes, but mediocre to poor most of the time.

Things really took a downward turn when I went to Sam's Club Friday night. I happened on an event called "Taste of Sam's" (a complete coincidence) which was a sample day on steroids -- they had SO much good stuff to try! My favorite thing they had was smoked cheddar cheese. Man it was delicious. I made a mistake and I bought some: 1.16 lbs of cheese. I ate it in two days. Man.

The next day was Saturday and, like I posted, I had to work. It was catered with Panera and I did ok, but the food was not healthy and there were no fruits or veggies. Diet for the day: Panera, lots of milk, cheese, crackers, and hummus. Not stellar, and sorely sorely lacking in fruits and veggies.

The next day I finished off the cheese and ate dinner with friends. Great to catch up with them, and we made delicious (and relatively healthy) gyros. Go us. Eating grade for that day was a solid B.

Monday I have no idea what happened but I was so munchy. Perhaps I was genuinely hungry, I don't know. Either way, the bottom line is I ate 4 cookies and 1 brownie over the course of the day (in addition to regular food). By the way, we're not talking about normally-sized cookies either, but rather the "we're catering and giving you a cookie that is the size of 2.5 cookies" variety. Not stellar. Lunch was catered for a faculty meeting, and in the evening I went out to eat and overdid it. A tiny victory there is that I did take about half of the dinner home because it was too big for me to eat at once.

Yesterday I did ok not great on the food horizon.

I have really hit a rough patch with the exercise. My doctor says I can and should exercise, but since the hip issues have resurfaced with a vengeance, I sometimes really cannot exercise. I took Saturday and Sunday off, partially because of laziness, partially because of legitimate busy-ness, and I do honestly think it is ok and that I don't need to exercise 7 days a week. That is a slippery slope to start down, though.

Monday I went to aqua abs and tried to go to a PiYo class (pilates/yoga fusion). The water stuff felt ok to good, especially the stretching parts. I only did half of the PiYo class. I did not do anything with intense twisting or anything that caused me extreme discomfort. I ultimately got frustrated and was hurting too badly so I quit halfway into the class. Yesterday, I did the elliptical machine for about 25 minutes and did about half of a cycling class before I quit. It hurt too bad (even though cycling is supposed to be good for my hips and back) so I left. I then was in bed for the rest of the day, laying down. Crap.

When I went to the doctor last week, she gave me a prescription for 15 mg Meloxicam. This is an anti-inflammatory drug and is supposed to help with the arthritis and back stuff. She suggested I take it on an as needed basis. As I have mentioned, I really despise taking medicine. I would much rather go the all-natural way and/or tough it out when possible. However, that is clearly not working in the case of my hip/back issues and so I have buckled and started taking the Meloxicam once a day for now. The first day it really helped, but yesterday it did not do much (or, if it did, I think I would have passed out without it...)

I am really frustrated with all of this. I think I am going to start physical therapy at the first of the year. I am nowhere near my insurance deductible for the year, and everything is out of pocket up until I meet the deductible -- so waiting it is. I have ordered a yoga video that is to stretch, align, and strengthen the hips. I am hopeful that will help in the meantime. If anyone else has other suggestions, please offer them. I will try most anything at this point.

Terrible day

I had a rough one today. Not even for any particular reason. My day just kind of was a low level of suckage all day. I wanted to eat anything and everything bad for me. I had cheese fries for lunch and the urge to keep eating badly continued all.day.long. I decided to go on a walk at the end of the day instead of eating myself into a food coma. I felt like I was kind of pushing it since I shouldn't do exercise because of my back right now. Well, my back solved that problem by letting me know almost immediately just how pissed at me it was. Just 100 steps (or less) from the car, it revolted and really started to hurt. Instead of taking a "real" walk, I walked to the swings and sat there for awhile and cried. I felt stupid: an overweight 30 year old on a swing, crying alone at dusk in a park. Fortunately no one seemed to notice or do anything. I would have felt even more ridiculous then! Here's hoping tomorrow is better.

Taking a break

Today I quit Weight Watchers for awhile. I am not using the tools and the program, so I should stop paying for it. Incidentally, today was my lowest weight yet on this journey. It is surprising to me because I have not really been actively working on losing weight in awhile -- really just trying to maintain. Also surprising given that (TMI alert -- you can stop reading now if you want) it's that time of the month. (resume reading here).

I think part of the weight loss might have to do with not working out for a week. I am sure I have lost a little muscle mass as a result of my relative inactivity -- the weight loss is great, but this is definitely not the way I want to lose it! As anyone who works out but is not losing weight can tell you "Muscle weighs more than fat!" Trite but true.

Not feeling it

I am so not feeling Weight Watchers lately. I have been paying for it but not using it. I have gained a couple pounds this week so I know I need to use it (this is a result of my own food choices, and despite working out). However, I just don't feel like it. The honeymoon period of this weight loss is over. I just want to maintain awhile now. I will get back on it when I feel like it. I hope that is soon.