You'd be Swimming in That

Yesterday I went on a bike tour around Chicago, and rented a bike in the morning just to ride around. It was great -- so much fun. I totally recommend Bobby's Bike Hike if you're ever in Chicago (coupon code: YELP2011). The funny thing was, this place is owned by a guy from Arkansas! On the tour, I even got a special job: helping to corral people in the back. Reward: I got to wear the snazzy vest pictured to the right for three hours. Anyway, I digress.

They had cool t-shirts for sale that said "I Chicago" (imagine the I <3 NY shirts, subbing a bike picture for the heart, and Chicago for NY). I wanted one, long sleeved so I asked my tour guide George about it at the end of the tour. He told me and I quote, "Yeah sorry, we only have XL. You would totally be swimming in that."

This guy knew nothing about me, or about my past but I was shocked. For someone who used to not fit into men's/unisex 2XL clothes? It was pretty surreal to be told XL was too big for me. Odd, but great. And maybe he is actually right. Wow.

One Step at a Time

Photo credit: J@m's flicker page

Today I am not sure what was wrong with me, but I just felt all over the place at work. I got stuff done, yes, but I felt like I was not firing on all cylinders. That's a problem because now is a time I definitely need to be harnessing every ounce of productivity I have, and more. I was kind of frustrated, honestly.

Do you know what I did? I went to go swim. Then I went for dinner (pizza, which I had points to eat -- and I ordered an 8" mini pizza). I was not really feeling like I could work just yet again so I went for a "quick" bike ride -- 11 miles. It was so cathartic.

I was thinking to myself, who ever thought this was possible? Who thought I would deal with stress by exercising?! And who ever thought I would order a pizza smaller than a small?! AND BE COMPLETELY SATISFIED?!?!?!

I remember one time when I was sick (probably about 3 years ago) I circled the Walmart parking lot for literally 10 minutes looking for a spot right next to the door because I did not want to walk any further than I had to. Now parking far away is no big deal.

I remember when I used to walk up the hill where I work wheezing and out of breath. Now I do that, then take the stairs to my office, and I'm not even breathing hard.

I remember when not having soda or dessert every day was unthinkable; now it's not really a big deal (although I do admit, I still love soda).

I was trying to figure out, "When did this happen? When did I change so much?!" As I thought about it, I realized it happened little by little -- by taking one step and making one decision at a time. That's both incredibly gratifying and incredibly humbling all at the same time.

On the one hand, it's great because it just means I need to make just one decision at a time or take one little step followed by another followed by another and I can eventually end up where I want to be, even if it's a place I never thought was possible. When I weighed 300 lbs, I never thought it would be possible to be back down to 229 -- but for the last several days I have been. And it's incredibly humbling and amazing.

At the same time, it's humbling because I can make one "little" decision that's bad and if I'm not careful I can take the path to destruction. I know, because I've done it once before, gaining 70 lbs in just over 2 years. Just by making one little decision at a time. However, I've also made plenty of not stellar decisions over the last 3 years, but I've rebounded. It's not a single bad decision that will do you in, but a series of them. And it's hard to see that you're making them sometimes when you're just living in the moment.

Anyway, tonight I'm kind of on a high because of this new life I'm living. Who thought I would do 1.5+ hours of exercise just for fun, not because it's the right thing to do -- but because it was what I wanted to do -- even more than watching TV or reading a book.

At the same time, I'm humbled because I'm not thinking I'm "fixed" or that I've really arrived at a place of complete recovery -- but I am glad to be living a happy and healthy life today. And I'm convinced I can live another healthy day tomorrow. And the day after... And the day after...

I love this life.

Progress, not perfection.

Amazing Bike Ride

Today I went for a bike ride. It was 49 out, which is amazing given that it's just a week before Christmas. Biking at this time of the year would likely never happen in Ohio (where I grew up), but it was really nice to be able to bust out a quick 6 mile ride while listening to Christmas tunes. It felt really great, as it had been over a month since I'd been out on my bike (sadly).

Something about my bike ride was just amazing today. I felt incredibly strong. Perhaps it's that I *am* stronger. Perhaps those 5-7 lbs I've lost make a significant difference in being able to propel myself more efficiently. Perhaps I just had an amazing day. I'm not sure, but whatever it is, I'll take it! (and a healthy dose of it too, please...)

The trail where I ride is largely flat, but there are a couple of hills. I sailed up two of them with grace and ease (even in 3rd gear!). There is also a huge hill by my house that I have to ride down to get to the trail. Usually, I get about halfway up the hill on my way home and then walk the rest of the way. Today I decided "You WILL do this. You CAN do this and you SHOULD do this so you WILL do this!"

Not only did I make it up the hill on my bike, I downshifted only to 2nd gear, not even the easiest one! I felt like such a hoss. I am really becoming a cyclist. I was/am so proud.

Biking Update

I have mentioned that one of my goals for the summer is to ride my bike 1000 miles.

I'm pleased to report that I'm 25% of the way there. I'm not sure if that is where I need to be or not, because it is poised to get hot and humid here very very soon in Arkansas. In fact, this past week was very tough to ride in because of the high humidity levels (one morning it literally said 100% humidity on weather.com -- I questioned how this was possible without it raining?!). I was sweating buckets by the time I arrived at work each morning.

It's also probably worth mentioning that I went two days in a row last week without a car, which is unusual for me. To give you an idea what this means, I live 5.5 miles from work. I went to the gym, movies, the bike shop, and a restaurant on my bike. I am really getting into this biking lifestyle, and I love it. I would love to get to the place where I can take on hills effortlessly (I usually walk the bike up two big hills I face on my commute), and where I am car free most days and only use it for long trips, grocery shopping, etc.

I have not formally mentioned it, but I am going to be very flexible with my definition of summer. I started the clock when I got my odometer installed (sometime in April), and I'll probably keep the challenge open until it either gets really cold, or until I make it to my goal. I do not want to fail on this one.

Try try again

I used to hate failing. It's not that I relish it now, don't misunderstand, but failure now motivates me more than it used to, specifically with regards to athleticism and getting in shape.

You guys know if you've been reading the blog that I am recently obsessed with biking. Last week I made the plunge and decided to get a road bike. I have yet to name her, but I am leaning towards the name Carina which means "dear little one" or Eloise which means "very healthy and sound".

I decided to do it up and, in addition to getting a very nice entry level road bike, to get clipless pedals too. Real cyclists say that this is important to improve the transfer of power between your legs and the bike (allowing you to transfer power as you pull the pedals up in addition to just when you push the pedals down), so I decided why not?

The first day I got my bike I was really excited to ride it. The bike shop installed the pedals on my bike and the clips on my shoes, taught me how to clip in and clip out on a trainer (basically something that makes your bike like a stationary bike), and told me I'd want to go home and practice clipping in and out.

I took their advice. Foolishly, I decided to practice on an asphalt parking lot. Bad idea.

After I fell the first time, I decided that surely it was a fluke and if I just tried again I would not fall. Although I was humbled, I would not quit. I just spent a good chunk of change on this bike, and I will be using it darn it! I leaned up against the car, clipped in, and then practiced clipping in and out while leaning against the car. Once I felt more confident and comfortable, I did laps around the parking lot. I rode for 2.2 miles, pushing me over the fativersary goal I set for myself. I was happy. As I pulled up to my car, I had successfully clipped out my right foot and figured I was home free and would not fall.

Wrong. Fell again. Busted up the other leg, and got some scraped elbow as a bonus. I was humbled, and decided to quit for the day (it was getting dark and I was starving since I was just coming from the gym and it was about 8).

Well, last week was crazy. Truly truly crazy -- so crazy that I did not get another chance to practice riding my bike. However, I did get to watch a couple hours of TV (Survivor and Biggest Loser). As I watched, I leaned against the bar that separates my kitchen and living room. I clipped in. I clipped out. In. Out. In. Out. 3 hrs (-the commercials) worth.

Eventually it became more natural feeling and maybe even reflexive. It got easier to do. I decided I was ready to take it to the parking lot again. Yesterday the weather was rainy and crappy all day, but today I got to spend a half hour or so in the same parking lot, practicing. One of my students taught me a trick to clipless pedals. It is pretty genius and I wondered why I didn't think of myself. Here's the trick: clip in with one foot like usual. Use that foot to start pedaling and get going pretty well -- fast enough so that you can coast. Once you get going, then use the coasting time to clip the other foot in.

I decided to try this, and was kind of afraid I was going to fall. I didn't!!! I started, I stopped. Clipped in, clipped out. Repeat, repeat, repeat. I was proud of myself.

Eventually I decided I needed to try crazier maneuvers -- for example, keeping one foot clipped in like I stopped at a stop sign and then would need to start again. The first time I tried this, I was so so sure (and disappointed) that I was going to fall. To my surprise, my left foot realized that we were going down and in a moment of reflexive genius, twisted and unclipped. I was grateful to avoid another week of Neosporin and scabs. I had one other close call too, but was able to use the weird instinctive nature that took over. Those three hours of practicing while watching TV paid off!

I'm still not convinced I'm ready for primetime yet. I live on the top of a big hill. It's big enough that I reach 25ish MPH going down the hill in my heavy cruiser. Worse than that, there is a freaking stoplight at a busy intersection about a third of the way down said hill. How am I possibly going to swing that without falling?! I will figure it out, and I WILL do it! And I WILL get back up the hill too! I usually walk the cruiser up, but with 10 gears on my new bike there is no reason why I should do that anymore. I will definitely blog about it when my roadbike gets, you know, some time on the road. Or at *LEAST* a bike trail. Anywhere but a parking lot or my hallway, for the love.

I wrote this blog to say that I am proud of myself. In the past, I would have let my failure be another excuse to sit on my butt. I would have used it to reinforce my idea that activity sucks, and that I'd better just sit this one out. That sedentary lifestyles were really the way to go. I mean, fat people don't break bones -- only the crazies on their mountain bikes and climbing rocks and such. (Never mind the fact that they rarely keel over dead of heartattacks).

The problem was that years of sitting out time after time had really impeded my ability to live life to the fullest and, if I wasn't careful, to live life at all. Yes, my obesity was going to kill me. It already had killed my spirit.

Now that I am living life again, I don't get nearly as afraid when I fail. Now I let it push me. It motivates me to work and work until I conquer something. This girl is back in the game.

Now I'm not under the illusion that I am going to be Lance Armstrong-ette (minus the doping of course), but I am confident that I *will* be a competent to good road biker by the end of the summer. I will have damn good legs too. You can already see a bit of definition in my quads but by the end of the summer -- watch out!

OBSESSION!!!!

I have always been...how can I phrase this politely or not paint myself in TOO bad a light...highly passionate about some things. The things change over time, but man, when I get engaged in an activity or hobby or interest, I devote myself to learning about it and participating 100%.

This can be great, but the unfortunate part about it all is that once I am over something, I am SO over it. I used to watch the Rosie show everyday when I was in college. This was in the days before DVR, so this meant that I would arrange my schedule so that I could be home to watch that show. I watched with intense interest as she had her desk competition that had different viewers design a desk everyday. I read her biographies. People told me that in real life she was mean and short with her staff, but I would not believe it and ignored them. I wanted to believe what I wanted to believe. Now I am completely over Rosie, and I cringe when I see her. Man she drives me nuts.

There are other things that I get obsessed with and then I just kind of fizzle out on. I used to be this way with keeping up to date with what is going on on Broadway -- I would read message boards like BroadwayWorld and All that Chat... Although I still like Broadway and especially musical theatre, I am in no way obsessed with it anymore and I just don't have the capacity to be so so into it anymore.

This kind of scares me about the weight loss thing, and is one of the beefs I have with Weight Watchers (although this one is an indictment of me and my personality, not Weight Watchers). I like to track. I am an engineer, and I love data and metrics and numbers. This part of the point system really appeals to my analytical side.

However, if I am not careful I let the obsessive side of me take over and let tracking take on an unnaturally and unjustifiably large place on my priority list. I see points in everything. I become OBSESSED with tracking both food and activity points. I'm not very good about letting Weight Watchers be in the background of my life -- it is either front and center, or I'm really not tracking at all. Though I lose a ton of weight when I track, I hate that I feel like I have to be so obsessive about it. I want WW to be just one more thing I do, like driving to work, or brushing my teeth in the morning. I don't want to think about it all the time. I realized that if I am not careful when I am tracking, I think about WW as much as I used to think about food which was almost always. I am trying to reach a point of moderation with this. Does anyone else identify with this or have suggestions? I welcome them.

Also speaking of obsession I think I am kind of obsessed with bike riding right now. Although I am glad to be obsessed with something healthy, I realize that being obsessed with anything isn't great. I am now about 30 miles from my Fativersary goal of riding 120 by April 21. This totally doable -- all I will have to do is ride my bike to work 3 more times and I've got it in the bag!

Cute picture

Here is a cute picture of Daisy I took on a recent bike ride to Lake Fayetteville. Actually, this was the first time I found the street linkage between the trail system, and the trail around Lake Fayetteville.

I usually take my camera on my adventures, but it is harder for me to take pictures while biking than when I walk. I need to do better about this, and I want more pictures of Daisy and I together.

The environment

I have been riding my bike quite a bit lately. I love it. Incidentally, I want to go public and so I am more likely to meet my fativersary goal. I would like to ride between 75 and 80 miles from the time I wrote the post. I will meet this goal when the odometer on my bike reads 120. As of today it reads 76.6, which is progress from the 45ish that it read when I started on Saturday. Maybe this goal *is* doable. It depends on the weather, as well as my schedule (for example, I am out of town for a few days this week, making it impossible to bike then). I thought it was a real stretch when I made the goal.

One of the things I have been noticing is the importance of the environment when biking. My commute is about 5.5 miles each way, and it takes me about 35 minutes on a normal day. However, life can change a lot depending on the wind. A headwind (aka, riding into the wind) sucks so hard, and -- although I am sure a tailwind is great -- I have to say I rarely notice it.

Isn't that how life is? I am often so quick to realize (and complain about) it when life sucks. However, when life is going really well, I don't always notice it. It is just like riding with a tailwind. The going is easy and I feel so fast. I feel like I am floating sometimes. I can't take credit though. I mean, ok, I am doing SOME of the work but mostly it's just that the environment is making easy for me to succeed. It helps out, and without even making a huge impression or without me even noticing it.

Isn't that what this weight loss journey is like sometimes? For me it is. Sometimes life is going so well, and I barely notice that I'm making progress towards my goals. It's just part of the routine. I've got a weight loss tailwind. Sometimes, however, I have to struggle for every. single. good. choice. I need to try to notice when life is good, and when I am actually riding with a tailwind rather than just lamenting the headwinds.

To all of my friends in real life, I really appreciate it when you help me out with my journey. I appreciate it when you are willing to go to healthier restaurants. I appreciate your patience when I have to ask for nutritional information. I appreciate when you have fruits and veggies instead of or in addition to normal unhealthy appetizer food. And most of all, I appreciate you listening to me when I am upset, or encouraging me along this road. You are my tailwind, and I will try to take you for granted less. You have been an important part of my journey so far, and I am grateful for your help -- even when I don't even realize that you're helping.

The good and the bad...

Good: I have ridden more than 30 miles since I got an odometer on my bike Friday afternoon (after 10 miles earlier in the day -- so really, I've ridden 40 miles since Friday. On a cruiser. In a hilly city.)

Bad: My eating today has been -- um, less than stellar. 2 bags of Doritos and a cinnamon bun in addition to normal, healthy-ish food.

Good: It's supposed to be 80 here tomorrow.

Bad: There are supposed to be wind gusts up to 44 MPH. Maybe not so good for commuting on a bike.

Good: I have ridden my bike to work three times since getting my bike.

Bad: There is no bad to accompany this one. I love commuting using it, and I appreciate my drive even more when I do it (it is so warm in my car and I marvel both at how short it is to drive and how it really doesn't take THAT much more time to ride my bike. The time difference is about 20 minutes).

Good: I am going to see South Pacific at the WAC tonight! I won the blogging contest!

Bad: I can't go to the gym tonight because I get to go to a meet and greet with the cast as part of the blogging contest. That's ok -- the good outweighs the bad totally!

Good: Now that it's not spring break, it is easier to get back into my routine of drinking more water.

Bad: Since spring break I have not gotten back into the routine of packing lunches.

Good: Tomorrow is Weight Watchers. Yet another chance for a fresh start (although, let's be real -- every. single. moment. is a chance for a fresh start).

Bad: Tomorrow is Weight Watchers. A moment of truth. Visit from flo. FML.

My life is good. The goods are great and the bads -- for the most part -- are things I can control. The wind, though, is out of my sphere of influence. Can anyone help a sister out?

In case you're not my facebook friend...

...I wanted to let you know I rode Daisy to work today. It took me 35 minutes to ride 5.5 miles, which I would not consider bad for a first time, especially since hills still kind of terrify me and I brake almost the whole way down them. In time I will get faster. It takes me probably 15 minutes to drive to work, so the delta (20 minutes) is really not that bad. Totally worth it and something I will embrace when I don't have errands to run during the day or after work, and when the weather is nice.