Good news

I have gone to water aerobics twice this week. There are certain things I can't do or that hurt too badly to do, but overall I would say I am thrilled to be able to work out and get moving again. Also, this morning I was 258.2, which is moving closer to my control limits. Now to get firmly inside them again, and hopefully on the low side. I think I can do it before Christmas if I get and keep my act together.

The facts are the facts

This is something that has struck me over and over the last couple days. The facts are the facts. Period. The way you feel about them can change, but your feelings and the way you frame a situation does not typically alter the underlying facts.

How does this relate to weight? Simple.

I usually weigh the same amount (though, lately, I am weighing 259.6, which is outside my control limits and I am not losing this as quickly as I'd like). Sometimes I feel awesome, fit, and healthy; other times I feel like a beached whale. It's not the number on the scale that changes, it's how I feel about that number.

The other day a friend took this picture of me prior to our department's Christmas party. I have worn this same dress on previous occasions and felt awesome, but on the day of the party I felt SO fat!!! It was terrible. Realistically, though, I weighed the same amount on the days where I am feeling like a hottie. It was only the way that I felt about myself that had changed.

I need to remind myself about this objectivity, usually on the bad days. I need to keep a positive attitude, and remember that it's not worth blowing months of work and, more fundamentally, my health over feeling fat. Seriously, binging will only be counterproductive. I still weigh the same amount whether I feel fat or skinny.

Let's face it: 255 for a 5'8" female is fat. Those, truly, are the facts. If I want a way to more consistently feel good about myself, altering the underlying facts (i.e., my weight) is the best strategy.

I have so many ideas for posts, but I lack the motivation to write them. Also I am really not feeling the idea of going to work but I have way too much to do so I need to get going. I don't want to post, I don't want to work, I don't want to do much of anything. I have the biggest case of the blahs, seasoned with a tinge of sadness. I hope this doesn't put me over the edge today, on a day where I am already eating out twice (taking my class to lunch to celebrate the end of the semester, and then going to a girls' night for one of the people in the office who is retiring).

Today is not the day to deal with feeling sad by gorging.

Today is not the day to deal with feeling overwhelmed by stuffing myself.

Today is not the day to deal with feeling like a loser by pigging out.

I can do this. Breathe in, breathe out, get breakfast, get dressed, and get to work. Hope the momentum pushes me through.

The damage

After a weekend of "transgressions" that are named "vacation", I am up to 260.2. Time to get a lot of this off before Christmas so I have a little room to relax and enjoy a few treats.

Carrying Around Extra Baggage

I am traveling now for something professional and had the urge to look somewhat professional. This meant that I ditched the $2.50 backpack I got from Target* for the trip and decided to use a nicer, over the shoulder bag. It does look really nice but it is not as comfortable (and probably not good for my back…I despise heels and won’t sacrifice my comfort for those, but cute bags are my weakness…but I digress…).

On the way here, I had a stack of unread People and Cooking Light magazines in my bag. Today, I left them at home. On the way to my panel in the morning, I had a full water bottle and stack of 10ish proposals, each about 30-50 or so pages long as well as a full water bottle. As I walked to the Metro, I was thinking I had made a terrible decision to bring this bag. It was annoyingly heavy and uncomfortable!

Over the course of the day, I drank all the water and ended up leaving the proposals behind (they shred them after they are reviewed in the interest of confidentiality). This meant on the way home I only had my computer, my Kindle, and my purse in my bag. OMG, it made so so much of a difference! Seriously! So so so much lighter.

A liter of water weighs 2.5ish pounds. If you’re generous, the bottle and carabineer are a pound. I have no idea how much 400 pieces of paper weigh, but probably about 5 lbs. Together these things weigh less than 10 lbs. It’s really not much but at the same time it made a world of difference like you would not even believe. I felt like I barely even noticed the bag I was carrying around anymore.

On the way home I thought to myself, “Wow, I have lost 40-45 lbs.” (depending on the day) I don’t think about it that much or that often, but that THAT IS A LOT for my body to carry around on a daily basis. I am sure that the wear and tear on my body as a result was beyond significant. However I never thought about it. I can verify that now I feel better and I am sure that part of it is just because I have so much less weight to tote around. I really only thought about how much physical weight that actually is today. Usually I think about it in terms of progress, just as a metric.

I have, depending on the calculations, 80-100 more to lose. That is a ton. That is like carrying around a fourth grader on my back all day, everyday. Could you imagine? So much extra baggage.

I need to shed this baggage. Putting things into some perspective that I can understand or relate to (e.g., I have lost 8 bags of sugar) is startling, and really really amazing. However, it is humbling when I think of how much I have to go (16-20 bags of sugar….dang). If carrying just 10 or so fewer pounds in my bag makes a difference, imagine how much of a difference losing 80 lbs will be.

*Yes this bag cost literally $2.50. It was originally $10, but I got it on clearance for 75% off.

Blood pressure

My blood pressure was high this morning. 119/89. I need to get back to exercising. I hope I can.

This is my life

I only go around once. I had better make it good. There are better, more constructive ways to deal with feeling:

overwhelmed

sad

angry

frustrated

bored

excited

physically in pain

proud

happy

busy

confused

tired

used

misunderstood

alone

than eating. I need to figure these out. I only have one chance at this life, and it is likely to be shorter if I'm not making healthy choices. I have seriously miswired my brain and used food for reasons beyond its intended use, which is simply to provide the fuel I need to live. Now I need to figure out healthy, alternative ways to dealing with the emotions listed above.

Not on track

This morning I weighed in at 259.2. Saturday morning, I was 255.something. There is a very real possibility this is all real weight, not salt or retained water weight. Yuck. I am embarrassed.

My food Saturday was...indulgent. I went to the movies and even ordered popcorn. What a waste. It was good, but not good enough to justify all the calories. On the way home I stopped at a gas station and got two hot dogs (I had driven 2 hrs away so I could see Precious, which is not playing in our market and is unlikely to) in addition to a stick of cheese and Doritos. I forget what all I ate Sunday, but I do know that I made delightful Christmas cookies and ate a lot of them. And I have eaten a lot of them in the days since. They were not good enough for me to take to work (too hard/not soft enough), but of course I had no problem jettisoning them down the hatch. Maybe I should get rid of the rest. I guess it is progress that at least some of them have survived to today? That's a very small consolation prize.

Last night was our department's annual Christmas party. Our boss goes all out and we have dinner at the swankiest of swank restaurants in town each year. This year's was great. There was also some good news here. Because the restaurant was so swanky, they give tiny portions, not the 2-3 realistic meal sized portions you'd get at, say, the Olive Garden. However, I did have all four courses of the meal. It was delcious and there were some indulgent choices, but not an all out bingefest. I would give myself a B-/C+ on that meal. Too bad I had a plate full of cookies when I came home in addition to a normal-ish sized meal.

I am bummed that I cannot counteract any of this with exercise. I may try to go to the gym today anyway; it just depends how I am feeling. I am absolutely slammed at work (that is what happens at the end of the semester), and am not sure if I have time to go and obviously I am not sure if I am physically capable of going.

I have tickets tonight to an event at the Walton Arts Center which is about the Rat Pack and Christmas. I LOVE the Rat Pack, and I am ok with Christmas but this thing looks like it will be a festering turd. I really wish I had traded in the tickets for credit to use to go to something else. I do not really think I have time to go, because I need to pack for a trip (out of town tomorrow through Sunday; serving on an NSF panel). We will see. Somehow I will manage to get this all done, and hopefully I can still get some sleep. We will see. I need to stop writing this post so I can get a jump on my day.

RIP Candy Dish

Yesterday I wrote about an incident with my candy bowl at work which sent me over the edge. While I am waiting for a ton of proposals to print (and killing a bunch of trees), I thought I would write about a bold step I took today. I donated the candy to the front office where it will find a better home than in my office. The remnants of almost 14 lbs of candy are now gone...

...and all that remains is this empty candy bowl. This is the right decision.

(but don't be too impressed...I had three sausage rolls this morning -- THREE!! And I can't even exercise to wipe my transgressions clean...man.)

Tootsie Roll

Today, I stopped into a friend's office to tell her about an experience my friend had where he got to see every single one of the Duggars and even shake Jim Bob's hand! He also got a Christmas card from them!!! SERIOUSLY!!! You will never guess where he saw them....hint in the picture below...

Anyway, that is not the point of the post (and, NO, I could not forsee a situation in which I would EVER vote for her -- but never say never).

So anyway...I popped into this friend's office and I took one of the Tootsie Roll midgees out of the candy bowl she had on her desk. What a mistake!!

I have never written about this I don't think but I used to have a candy bowl in my office so that people could have some when they stopped by. However, it just proved to be a huge temptation to me, so eventually I put it away. Though the candy is out of sight now, there is still candy in a drawer in my office and it contains, among other things, a Sam's Club bag of Tootsie Roll products.

After I had the first Tootsie Roll, something was ignited in me that just said "MUST. FIND. SUGAR. MUST. EAT. TOOTSIE. ROLLS!!" Fatties or ex-fatties know what I mean. It's a seriously visceral reaction where your mouth waters and you have this animalistic search for (whatever your craving is -- in my case Tootsie Rolls). It's not good.

When I remembered these candies in my desk, I immediately went for them. I chose 3 of the long-sized Tootsie Rolls and 3 of the big square-ish shaped one instead of taking out the whole bag -- THANK GOD. Anyway, just a hot second later, I realized I had four of these things stuffed in my mouth at once and that I could barely chew on them or let them melt! It reminded me of when I was a kid who chewed that nasty Bubblicious gum. When the first piece would lose its flavor, I would simply stuff another piece in my mouth...over and over until eventually I had the whole pack in my mouth. YUCK!

When I realized this had happened, I took about 2/3 of the Tootsie Roll wad out of my mouth and threw it away. Wow. What a mess. This makes me realize my thoughts about food are still so messed up and that it really is important to measure and track everything...which I have not been doing lately. I doubt if I would have shoved 4 Tootsie Rolls in my mouth at once if I knew they counted for 5 points (or whatever the point value really is).

Clothing Hit List

This post requires a bit of background. First of all, I have been considering doing a post like this for awhile and I finally have the guts to do it. I may take it down if I get weird visitors or figure out that my students know where my webpage is.

This post may actually may turn into a series. For anyone who has gained and then lost weight, you know that you have a ton of old clothes in your closet that fit at one time, but don't anymore. It is so rewarding to be able to reclaim a part of your wardrobe as you lose weight. This is what is inspiring this post and an idea I call the Clothing Hit List. Although I am allowing myself to stay in maintenance mode through Christmas (weighed in this morning at 255.8 this morning BTW), after that I am going to start going to Weight Watchers again, or enroll in this program called Wholesome HAWGs though school (Razorback = hog = our mascot, HAWG = health and wellness group = sounds like hog). That is the first bit of background. The idea: Clothing Hit List.

Second of all -- every year at one of our professional conferences, we have a University of Arkansas reception and are supposed to wear Razorback gear. Since I don't feel right pulling up in a t-shirt, I felt like I needed to get a Razorback polo. Unfortunately, these are only available (at least that I have seen) through the official channels like the bookstore on campus -- that is, places that are super-expensive. Every year the bookstore has a faculty/staff appreciation day where everything is 25% off for faculty and staff. I decided this would be the year for me to get a polo so I can dress up at our reception in Cancun where our conference will be this year. Unfortunately, the choices for ladies polos were very limited. I had a couple choices. The two most promising were shirt #1 - ladies XXL in white for $57 (are you serious?!) or shirt #2 - ladies XL in red for $29. For size, advantage shirt #1. For price and color, advantage shirt #2. I decided on shirt #2 since I would not want to ruin a $57 if I spilled any sort of food on it. A red shirt is less likely to get messed up than a white one.

I knew this shirt would not fit, but I was not sure how bad it would be. In addition a couple weeks ago I got a really nice pair of jeans that I did not try on (since most size 20s fit right off the rack - HA! This pair of jeans apparently did not get the memo. Love variation in sizes.). I tried the jeans on with the Razorback polo that I bought. It is my goal to have these either fit or be too small by the time IERC rolls around in early June. I will take a picture in Cancun wearing my hog polo and these jeans. However, you can see I have a ways to go...

Items #1 and 2 on the clothing hit list are these jeans and this polo. I am focused on getting into them. Memo to the polo and jeans: you are so going down.

On the mend?

I am starting to actually feel a little bit better. I've been back to (the new) chiropractor twice and he has helped me. He suggests to not exercise until the acute stage of this is over so it has been over a week since I have exercised. I'm going a little crazy because of that. I am still in pain, but it is not as bad as it was before. I only woke up three times last night which is much better than it has been. I was only in crippling pain one of those three times. I am still exhausted though despite getting 10 hrs of sleep. That's no good.

I ran across this film on another WL blog that I really want to see called Lbs. I hope it comes here or at least to our RedBoxes. Our theatres still do not have Precious, though, despite 350K in the greater NW Arkansas area so I am not holding my breath.

Bummer, dude.

I am not a huge fan of Jared Fogle, but like other bloggers, I think that his ability to maintain his weight loss is impressive and inspirational. It made me sad to see he is struggling as of late. Come on Jared, you can do it! Get your exercise on, get your eating right on, and the rest will happen natrually! There are more healthy foods in this world than Subway subs which I am sure you are sick of by now. (Even though for awhile they were really instrumental in my success. I probably ate at Subway 4-5 times a week this summer.)

Challenge final update

As you may recall, I talked a really big game about wanting to lose 5 lbs. in two weeks over Thanksgiving. At one point I even declared "I have (kind of) arrived". Well, that didn't stick.

I emerged from Thanksgiving at 256.0. This is well within my control limits, but far short of my goal. I could chalk it up to not being able to exercise for a week because of the back. I could chalk it up to poor eating (for, over the weekend following Thanksgiving, there was a fair amount of that). I could chalk it up to giving up and feeling depressed because of the back/hip issue.

But, I will do none of that. I will instead just admit that I have failed, but be glad that I am down but not out. I will eventually conquer this weight thing. And honestly, for now, maintaining for me is a victory. One that is important and that I will work hard at even though I am sad right now.

Thanksgiving

I decided to stay in Fayetteville for Thanksgiving. I was really sad about it, but I worked to have a good attitude. I also thought it was the best thing for my back/hip/health, even though I would have loved to see my buddies in Missouri. I hope I get to see them soon.

I also devised a strategy so as not to overdo it on Thanksgiving. I think I was moderately successful. The strategy was basically to really kill it on the veggies and fill up there. I made three kinds of (delicious) veggies: asparagus, corn, and peas. They were good. If you know me, now you know I love love love carbs, especially potatoes. In fact, on Facebook I even asserted my love for stuffing, hashbrown casserole, and mashed potatoes for all to see. In the past, I have made all these side dishes and more (sweet potatoes with brown sugar and pecans on top - YUM!), all full sized dishes of course, and all for n=1=me. Gluttonous. I knew that these could be my undoing, so I made myself pick ONE of these delicious side dishes. At first I selected hashbrown casserole -- you know, the stuff with cheese, sour cream, butter, onions and tons of deliciousness (sometimes even with crumbled chips on top!). That stuff is so good. However, I was honest with myself and knew that I had potatoes already at home, and would probably end up making both the mashed potatoes and h.b. casserole, so I decided it was wisest just to go with the mashed potatoes only. I was really proud of myself.

For meat, I decided to get a hamsteak -- you know, the thick slices of ham that come all by themselves (i.e., you are not having to buy an entire ham). I now think they are big (around 1-1.25 lbs of meat is a lot!) but I used to think they were perfectly sized. Times, they are a-changin'. In case you would like my secret to what I think is a perfectly cooked hamsteak, do the following. In a bowl mix honey and mustard. I used honey I picked up from Pike's Place in Seattle made from bees pollinating raspberries -- delicious-- and a little bit of the mustard with whole seeds and a heapin' helpin of Grey Poupon. Probably 3 parts honey to 2 parts mustard. Mix them up and then brush half the honey-mustard mixture liberally on the side #1 of the hamsteak. Let it cook for a little bit, flip it, and then brush the remaining mixture on the other side. Let it cook, and you will have a delicious hamsteak to eat. Yum. I prefer this ham to almost any other type.

Now, let me be honest and transparent about the mashed potatoes. I used 5 medium sized redskin potatoes, which I know is huge portion. Believe it or not, it is way less than I used to eat though. SERIOUSLY!! I could eat a ton of mashed potatoes and not even be breathing hard. In fact, my family typically had me go last at Thanksgiving when passing around the mashed potatoes because they knew when it came to them, I was all business. In addition to the potatoes, I used REAL butter, and was not stingy about it. I also added fat free sour cream, 2% sharp cheddar cheese, about 2/3 a package of the ranch dressing mix (the powdered stuff), and enough milk to make the texture right. It was great. Seriously.

To prepare the asparagus, I washed it, cut off the ends, brushed it with olive oil, sprinkled it with freshly cracked pepper and sea salt, put in on a foil-covered cookie sheet and baked it at 350F for about 15 minutes. I used a recipe from Eating Well for a delicious sauce -- it has mayo (I used FF), lemon juice, water, and freshly-grated Parmesan cheese. It is so good, seriously. Yum.

The peas and corn were the steam-in-bag variety. Voila.

All of this stuff was super easy to prepare. It seriously took me less than an hour (probably about 45 minutes) to prepare everything, so I ended up eating at 10 AM-ish while watching the Macy's day parade. Totally non-traditional.

For dinner, I made a crustless pumpkin pie. It was really good, and I ate the whole thing in one sitting. I used an entire can of my the delicious FF whipped cream I have raved about before. Afterwards, I thought "Now, seriously -- was that necessary?" It totally was not and I did regret the gluttony. Lesson learned. And, believe it or not, I actually did feel uncomfortably full afterwards. I am glad I am learning to feel that feeling.

While I did not do stellar on portions, I feel good about many of my choices and would give myself a C- for the day. I would have preferred a B (I think earning an A+ when eating on a major holiday like that is unrealistic for me), but I can do it in the future. Huge huge huge progress from the F- days of the past. Still plenty of room for improvement.

On the plus sides, I am glad that Thanksgiving did not send me off on a bender because I felt lonely. I am glad that I was strong enough to allow myself ONE treat sidedish instead of a full-out carbfest, and to make myself one relatively-healthy pie that had no crust, not 5 pies with all the delicious dairy-based enhancements (ice cream, whipped cream, etc.). I am glad I planned it so there were no leftovers (though splitting the pie over a few days would have been better). There were several things I did right, and would like to continue in the future.

Finally I should say I am thankful for my health (I WILL conquer this back/hip issue, and am glad to have my blood pressure regulated, my heart working normally, and all of my faculties with me) and my family and friends who I love dearly and who love me too. And, I am super-grateful for the feeling that I am headed in the right direction and that my life is no longer spiraling out of control. This was not a bad Thanksgiving, even though there were some unexpected bummers and speedbumps. Overall, my life is headed in the right direction.