Monday, July 4, 2011

Turning a Corner

I don't know what to say other than to say it feels like I've turned some sort of a corner, and for that I am very very grateful.

This weekend there was a situation I was dreading. I said yes to helping some friends -- it was the "right thing" to do, but I didn't want to do it. However, I agreed and decided I would honor my commitment to help them. I worked all day on my attitude -- trying to overcome the deep-seated feelings of resentment that had arisen. I had decided I would not eat over the situation, even though in the past I always would have. Even though part of me wanted to stuff my face and eat myself into an oblivion, a bigger part of me didn't and so I went to an OA phone meeting on Saturday and with the help of my higher power did not binge. When I arrived on Saturday to do this cryptic "right thing" I'm referring to -- the one I did not really want to do, the one I rearranged my whole Saturday on a three day weekend around -- the people did not need me to do it, yet could not be bothered to even make a phone call to let me know. So basically? The resentment I felt over committing such valuable weekend time to help them when I felt unappreciated? It was like they were like, "Well not only do we not realize what a sacrifice it is to give up several hours of your day in the middle of your weekend, causing you to reschedule everything, we don't even value your time enough to let you know your help is not needed anymore."

I felt gutted. I felt a deep sense of disrespect for my time which at this point is probably my most valuable asset, as I have way more money than time these days. It wasn't that I was pissed, even though I felt justified in feeling that way, I was just -- utterly hurt. And if I thought the urge to eat was strong before? I just upped the emotional ante by a factor of 10.

However, because I had been on an OA meeting before the "moment", I was very grateful to be in a good place and to not want to binge. It was amazing. I cried a lot, I reached out to a friend, and I just felt these (TERRIBLE) feelings -- but then I went to a movie, and I didn't eat over the feelings. I didn't even really obsess about it; I just made sure not to make sure not to send myself into a dangerous environment (e.g., avoid going somewhere with a lot of trigger foods, as my emotional reserves were down).

All this to say? I'm by NO means perfect, but with God's help I am starting to be able to navigate emotional situations without the help of or even obsession over food. This clearly is not something I could have done in my own strength, so I am so grateful for my higher power's help with this. Even when others disrespect me and my time and hurt me, I can rely on God. He has my back, is always with me, and loves me. Food can do none of those things. The best it can do is to numb the pain temporarily.

1 comment:

  1. When you mention not eating over the feelings, that makes sense to me. That is what I've done time and time again -- and is probably one of my biggest challenges, too.


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