The Slow Track

I have talked before about feeling frustrated by my slow progress or lack of progress on losing weight over the last few years. Last year, for example, I lost no weight. Although I wasn't torn up about it, I would be lying if I did not acknowledge that I was somewhat frustrated, and wondering if I'd ever be a healthy weight for my height.

Today I realized how grateful I am that this has taken a long time. I have learned so much about myself and about how food affects me over the last few years. I am not sure I would have had to wrestle with these lessons if the weight had dropped off superquickly. This forced reflection has helped me to learn so much about why I am getting healthy, and why this is all worth it. I am optimistic that, with God's help, I can overcome compulsive overeating ("remaining abstinent" is what they call it in OA) one day at a time.

I think one of the things I am proudest of and most grateful for is that I really enjoy my food and am not racing toward an arbitrary goal (e.g., "size 12 clothes" or a certain number) -- I am trying to get healthy, whatever that even means. I'll leave that up to what my doctor says, and how I feel about where I am. For now, I think I can/should continue to lose weight. I haven't always felt this way, but I really do believe this from the bottom of my heart now.

The most obvious thing that will help me to continue to overcome compulsive overeating is God's help. However, outside of that I think one of the things that will help me continue on the path to a healthy life is that I do not really feel deprived at all. I have desserts. I don't eat entire bags of candy at a time anymore, and I don't eat desserts that often. But when I really want ice cream or chocolate, I eat some (and I make sure it's the good stuff). I also eat pizza, but now I make it myself or order the 8" one. I no longer order a large and eat it all at once. There is nothing I feel I lack. To me this is critical as deprivation breeds obsession and obsession leads to compulsive behavior -- namely, bingeing.

Does it mean I've lost 100 lbs in 9 months? Obviously not...but it means I don't resent or feel badly about living a restrictive lifestyle. I am just very grateful that this is the path I've chosen. It's particularly close to my heart today.