"The Summer Really Suits You!"

Today I was on my way up to my office when I saw someone I hadn't seen for awhile. I said hi, making the usual pleasantry small talk. She paid me a really nice compliment - "You look really great. The summer really suits you!"

I had an internal "WTF?!?!?" moment. This summer has monumentally sucked for me. I've been depressed, injured, and my productivity has been impeded significantly. Nothing -- seriously I can think of really literally almost nothing -- has gone as I expected. Those 1000 miles I was going to bike this summer? Nope. Back injury. Those 20-30 lbs I would have loved to lose? Nope - lost 15, gained 5 back. Lack of injury and discipline + inability to exercise. Those four papers I was going to submit? Nope. Got one done, probably will get a second done but definitely not four. The big "you have to submit this" grant I was supposed to submit? Did not happen. Not the summer of my dreams or plans. And certainly nothing that I have felt "suits me".

Apparently I am hiding all of this pretty well. The complete "I am going to fall apart at any moment" feelings that I so often feel must be tucked out of sight of most. Many of you even commented on how happy I look in those pictures I posted last week. Ironically, I felt soo much better when I posted those pictures in May than I did when I posted the pictures last week. However, I can flash my million dollar smile and you will all be none the wiser, unless I let you in. I had a meeting that I cried in anticipation of with a friend/colleague on the phone for literally 1.5 hours. The meeting went fine and my boss thinks life is hunky dory. It's clearly not. I am not sure if this is good or bad, but I am just apparently quite good at hiding this and letting people think that life is ok.

I have to look at the big picture though. I have submitted a paper. Other things at work are moving along ok, which is good. Not as fast as I want, but they are moving forward. Although I haven't lost as much weight as I want, I am still better than I was 90 days ago and I am getting help from a counselor to work through my food- (and other-) related neuroses. I am working to get things in my head squared a way and to make changes that I believe are sustainable in the long term so that healthy living is a part of my lifestyle, and not just a flash in the pan.

This post, too, has been rambling like so many of them lately. I appreciate all of your support, and I love to hear from you in the comments. I am determined that I will make it through this tunnel of darkness and emerge on the other side. I appreciate the role that blogging and the community of support has played in this. Thank you so very much. I will choose to believe that this summer really does suit me. I will fake it until I make it.