Terrible day with a Glimmer of Hope

Today was not stellar on several fronts (the details are unimportant but they involve car alarms and a ticket), but I am happy to say I think the weekend of self-imposed bedrest is working. My back feels a lot better today. I am going to a new doctor in the morning (the one that I am very hopeful is not a jerk) to get a second opinion and to talk through several issues with her. The ones most notable to this blog are that I would like to know what to do about my back, and what I can do to get off my blood pressure medicine.

Bed Rest

My back hurts less today. I am on a self imposed day of bed rest. I have done nothing all day -- not even showered. I need to go grocery shopping, but I may or may not actually do so. I need to get healthy groceries so that eating healthy is the easier thing to do. Does anyone have any easy, healthy recipe or snack ideas? Quick things preferred but healthy and tasty are enough.

Random Bullets of Crap

• I am back within my control limits (257.8), but barely.
• I am losing muscle and gaining fat. Fat up by about 2% to 52.5% and muscle down from 22._% to 21.5%. Sad, especially since I am gaining weight AND the percentages are changing.
• Being an engineer, I am a metrics/measurement person. This is a blessing and a curse.
• I think I might need to go back to the counselor. This is all really bumming me out.
• I am tired of hurting.
• I wish I knew what the outlook was from here.
• I know people lose weight by modifying their food only (i.e., not exercising), but I have no idea how. I suck at eating well, but excel at exercising. I think it is because I enjoy exercise.
• This break really makes me want to be more ambitious when I am feeling well again. Not sure exactly what that means but I would like to do something big and measurable (e.g., a half marathon -- though I don't think my knees approve of that quite yet). Maybe I will take up cycling and do a long organized ride. (Cycling is supposed to be good for your back)

Top o the Mornin'

This morning I weighed in at 259. Yesterday I was 255. There is no way this is all real weight but still, it's depressing since it's outside my "control limits" of 255-258 (you liked that, right IEs?). Probably because I had cheese fries for lunch and spaghetti sauce for dinner -- yay salt! Also, my pants weren't so keen to zip this morning. Yes, they were freshly laundered but still you have to be kidding me. This day is off to an awesome start.

Terrible day

I had a rough one today. Not even for any particular reason. My day just kind of was a low level of suckage all day. I wanted to eat anything and everything bad for me. I had cheese fries for lunch and the urge to keep eating badly continued all.day.long. I decided to go on a walk at the end of the day instead of eating myself into a food coma. I felt like I was kind of pushing it since I shouldn't do exercise because of my back right now. Well, my back solved that problem by letting me know almost immediately just how pissed at me it was. Just 100 steps (or less) from the car, it revolted and really started to hurt. Instead of taking a "real" walk, I walked to the swings and sat there for awhile and cried. I felt stupid: an overweight 30 year old on a swing, crying alone at dusk in a park. Fortunately no one seemed to notice or do anything. I would have felt even more ridiculous then! Here's hoping tomorrow is better.

Quickie

Thing here have been busy. A couple quick things:

• I finally have a diagnosis on my back: degenerative disc disease. The bottom part of my L4 is going.
• I changed PCPs from my jerk doctor who I can't stand and actively avoid to one that I have a personal recommendation on (and who is female!)
• My eating has been terrible. Not focusing on it.
• My brother and my mom have each saved me from going on food benders, on two consecutive days. David talked me out of the candy aisle at Target, and mom helped me walk away from the Ben and Jerry's at Walmart.
• Feeling pretty down here, and overall malaise. Something needs to change.
• The worst one: I haven't been able to exercise normally for almost 3 weeks now. This native is most assuredly restless.

Why are people fat?

I've heard and read it all. Well, not all, but enough for me to realize that people are willing to chalk up their lack of weight loss to so much crap -- but not very willing to accept responsibility that in 95% of cases they've earned it, one bite of cheesecake at a time. I have heard that the reason people are fat is because they're drinking diet drinks and the aspartame is causing them to crave sugar. Also heard recently it's because we don't eat organic so the fungicides, pesticides, etc. are concentrated in our bodies poison us and so we cannot lose weight. There are other things I've heard as well that I am not remembering now for some reason.

Do I think there's an element of truth to these things? Probably. I mean it's better to eat an all organic diet and drink only water and organic milk, I'm sure. However, it really all does come down to something pretty simple. Losing weight (and maintaining it) is about eating less (the same number of) calories than you burn. It's not rocket science. Doing it the right way by eating whole foods and so on is the right way to lose weight, but even if you eat 1300 calories of cheeseburgers a day, you will lose weight. You won't be healthy, but you will lose weight.

Convincing people that their fat is not their fault can earn you a lot of money. It might even get people short term results, but it can ruin their bodies and metabolisms (Atkins anyone???). This is one of the reasons we're fat in the US. I'm a poster child, too. Trying to change it, but it's not always easy.

Oprah struggles with her weight, as you no doubt know. She has promised that if she ever finds the magic bullet -- that pill that will make you lose weight without ruining your body and without any effort on your part -- she will let us know. She has the money to try it all so I am not going to try that crap myself. With time and discipline, I can do this myself and it all boils down to a simple (yet tough) idea.

Food and Exercise report - 11/7/09

I started off the day with homemade pumpkin pancakes. I had tried these before and I liked them, but found them less pumpkin flavored than I would have liked. This time, I used the whole can of pumpkin (~1.75 cups) rather than the recommended 1 cup. Much more pumpkin-y and to my liking. I also made cranberry syrup for the first time. I googled around for recipes and ended up just doing my own thing which was a hybrid of many of them. I used a bottle of maple syrup, about 2/3 bag of fresh cranberry, about half the syrup bottle full of water, a bit of OJ, and some brown sugar. I think something to make the syrup spicier would have been good -- perhaps next time I will add some ground ginger and some crushed cardamom pods. I had some milk too. Nice start to the day. Believe it or not I only ate two pancakes exactly as the picture shows. They were SO GOOD and I could have easily lost it, but I did not. I like this camera accountability idea.

Today I decided to go hiking because the weather was gorgeous -- it was in the seventies and perfect. I got a late start and so I had a snack around 1 PM. A delicious honeycrisp apple. Yum.

For lunch, I had a 6" Subway seafood sensation (my favorite sub), Doritos, and a Diet Coke. I also bought some grapes and the lady at Subway was nice enough to wash them for me. (The nearest Subway to my house is in Walmart). I asked for extra veggies on the sub, for what that's worth.

A bit about the exercise. I went here and it will have its own separate post eventually, but there was a very telling sign at the top of the trail that said "Glory Hole, about 1/2 mi+ hike down" and someone penciled in "about 2 mile hike back". So true. Very steep descent/ascent which was a good workout. Work those glutes! (Note that on days that the Razorbacks play football at home, the gym is close leaving that option out.)

I got back to Fayetteville around 6. I really thought about going to get BBQ but I decided I would cook instead. I was at a loss for inspiration, but eventually decided to whip up some beans and weenies.

There is nothing redeeming nutritionally about beans and weenies and tater tots for dinner. I realize this. However, I did add an onion not only for taste but also for a veggie. Also I used Hebrew National 97% free dogs. They only have 40 calories/dog. Can you believe that?! Not health food by any means, but at least it's better than the standard beans and weenies. Also, I only ate half the stuff I made rather than all of it like I wanted to and like I definitely did in the past. In fact, after eating half and waiting it out 10 minutes I was still hungry and my stomach was growling like whoa. I wanted to eat some carrots but it turned out that I did not have any (sad!). I am annoyed I did not do anything in the veggie department for dinner.

For dinner, I had strawberries and whipped cream. I had about 2/3 a box of the berries and then mixed in the rest of the FF whipped cream I had remaining in the can from yesterday.

All in all, not a bad food day. Way better in the fruits and veggies department than yesterday, though there is still room for improvement for sure. Most notably, I need more veggies. Also, although the cranberries probably count for a little, it's probably best not to get my fruit from syrup in the future :)

My pills

I alluded in this post to the pills I take. I take more than I'd like (I've read it's really better to get your nutrients from food rather than pills), but I don't track the food I eat and the nutrients contained in said food to know whether I'm getting enough. As a result I go the vitamin route. Also there are some supplements I take for different things. Let me give you the quick rundown.

In this picture, you'll see all the crap I take daily. Believe it or not, I can get these all down in one swallow 90% of the time. I usually take them at breakfast (but today I forgot so I had them in the evening).

In the top left is my women's multivitamin. Below that is Co Q-10, 300 mg. This is a cardiovascular antioxidant and is supposed to give you more energy. Below that are two capsules of fish oil. Good for omega 3's and my mom told me today it is supposed to help lessen the effects of arthritis. Did not realize that, but bonus! At the top of the next "column" is a supplement for hair, nails, and skin. My nails have broken a LOT less since I have started taking this. I have not noticed a difference in my hair or skin, but there could be. Who knows. Below that is a Vitamin E softgel. I read online that it can help to prevent saggy skin when losing weight. So far so good (but it could be all the other things I am doing too -- drinking lots of water, lifting weights, etc). Below that is glucosamine chondroitin. This is new to the lineup. It's supposed to help with joints, so I am hoping that it helps with my hip, back, ankle, etc. In the next column is niacin. This helps with the HDL to LDL ratios. Traditionally my "good" cholesterol has been very low so this is why I take this supplement. Below that is lecithin. I read that this helps to prevent saggy skin, which is why I take it. It's also supposed to help with the HDL/LDL ratio.

Finally on the bottom right is Lisinopril. It's a prescription medication for high blood pressure. I REALLY hate that I am on it. I am hoping to get off of it sooner rather than later. Exercise, drinking lots of water, and losing weight are steps in the right direction but I'm not there yet.

Finally, above notice the big grandma-sized pill box I tote these dudes around in. This is mostly a time-saving measure. You can imagine that opening each bottle and getting out the right medicine every day would take a hot second. Who has a hot second when trying to get to work or out the door to a morning workout? Not this lass. Instead, I put my IE training to work prepare drugs for the week ahead so they're quick and ready to go when I am.

Food and Exercise report - 11/6/09

One of my friends told me about something she and her husband do to keep each other accountable about what they're eating. Since one spouse or the other is often traveling and since my friend sometimes skips meals, just grabs crackers (or whatever's convenient) instead of eating something healthy, etc., they started a blog where they post pictures of everything they eat for the day. Now obviously eating too little and skipping meals is not my problem, but still I thought it was an amazing idea. With her permission I am stealing the idea and trying it myself. Day 1 of this experiment I met with modest success and a big challenge as I will explain below.

Yesterday I almost forgot breakfast. This is VERY unlike me, as I usually cannot function without it. Fear not, I decided to raid my go-to stash of Fiber One bars at work (one PB and one strawberry), and had 32 oz. water to wash it down with. Also, I had my pills (will post about them some other time).

For lunch I went to the Pizza Hut buffet (PHB). I was not brave enough to take pictures, and I texted my friend to tell her so. She sent a (loving and polite) text back that said basically "Suck it up and do it anyway!". I honestly did not receive this text in time and was embarrassed to post that stuff up here but I will report to you honestly what I had. I started off with a very large salad that had lettuce, onions, too much cheese (but I do love cheese), onions, croutons, and thousand island dressing. Their tomatoes are disgusting at the PHB so I don't put them on there and they didn't have broccolli which is usually a staple for my salads as well (very high fiber). I had about 6 pieces of pizza and two little breadsticks. If you're a PHB veteran (which for your sake I hope you are not), you know the pieces of pizza are pretty small. However, I would consider 6 pieces of buffet pizza to be equivalent to about 4 pieces of "real" pizza. Too much pizza by any objective standard. But there it is. No secrets. And it wasn't closeted eating either. Lots of fun folks from the office got together and had a nice ladies' lunch so they saw me eat every delicious but unhealthy piece of that pizza.

For dinner I also ate out because I had a concert that night at the Walton Arts Center. I had a #5 (Vito) with no capicola and extra vegetables, and the skinny chips from Jimmy John's with Diet Coke.

After the concert, I went to work out. I really was in the zone!! Unfortunately, it was late so I got kicked out at closing time and only got about 28 minutes in on the elliptical. However, I was at the highest incline and using a LOT of resistance (most of the time level 14 out of a possible 20 levels) so I made my time count. According to the machine, I burned 350 calories. Not bad for a half hour!

I came home (by way of Walmart to get stuff to make for the tailgate, which I am probably going to end up skipping) and picked up some groceries. This included some fat free whipped cream. If you haven't gotten that stuff, it is amazing/delicious. I got an extra can so I could eat it. The whole thing is less than 200 calories, which for a non-fruit dessert is quite a calorie bargain.

As I got ready to do the deed, I thought "Do I really need to take a picture of this? Do snacks count?" What a BS line of thinking! Of course they count! I did take a picture, and because I knew it would be posted for the world to see I only had half a can rather than the whole thing. For me, I consider that a victory!

I can tell that posting pictures is going to be a good strategy for me for awhile. In particular, I am pretty embarrassed there are not more fruits and veggies in my diet. If I have to be accountable for that, it will encourage me to eat more. I am looking forward to documenting my diet for awhile. Stay tuned.

Getting Old Sucks

I went to the chiropractor yesterday -- my alignment was seriously off. I was noticeably tilted again. He helped me and my pinched nerve feeling stopped -- for 6 hrs. UGH! I woke up this morning in EXCRUCIATING pain in my hip (the pelvis is what keeps getting misaligned apparently) and in my ankle. I don't think I have mentioned it here but the diagnosis is that I have arthritis in my ankle. Usually it doesn't hurt, but sometimes WOW it hurts. Today is one such day. Let's get real folks. Thirty is too young to feel like you're in serious need of a walker!

On a positive (but unrelated) note (I read yesterday that optimists live longer than pessimists which is not really a surprise, but let's try to channel a little of that...): today and tomorrow it's supposed to be around 75. Kind of freakishly warm for November, but that means the chance to do stuff outside, so no complaints from me.

I have a couple post ideas brewing. I hope to get to them this weekend.

253.4?!?!?

Are you serious? This is an all time low for me (well at least during the Weightloss 2.0 plan). This comes on the heels of me eating some Chicago deliciousness (yum deep dish pizza and who doesn't get jazzed over a good hot dog?!), and yet I am losing weight. I guess that's what happens when you don't eat almost an entire hashbrown casserole plus a cheeseball in a day?

Note I am not updating my sidebar as it's not an official weigh in day -- but dang, I am stoked!

Being a Closet Eater

For years I have been a closet eater. It is really bad. Getting over that is probably one of the top 10 challenges of getting my food-life together. For those of you who have been morbidly obese and/or struggled with emotional eating, you probably know exactly what I’m talking about. However, if you haven’t let me tell you what I mean and decompress a bit.

Closet eating (per my unscientific definition) is anytime you eat in secrecy and privacy, with the intention of no one finding out. There’s lots of shame associated with closet eating. It’s pretty terrible yet, at the same time, it can be incredibly relaxing – more accurately, it can numb you to your emotions which is absolutely stellar when you feel terrible. Unfortunately, there are several problems with closet eating.

First of all, it really is a temporary fix bandaid to a much deeper set of issues. It doesn't make the problems/feelings you're dealing with go away. However, it can help you temporarily detach yourself from the emotions. A food coma will overtake you and you can bask (temporarily) in the haze of just gorging yourself. When this haze wears off, though, you just feel badly about yourself. It's a total death spiral. (I feel badly about something, I overeat to numb the pain, I feel good numb for awhile, I emerge from the food-induced haze, I feel badly about the situation that originally upset me and now also angry that I can't control my eating either. Return to step one.)

The second main problem is that being a closet eater is inherently dishonest. You’re essentially living a double life. I can remember going to friends’ houses, eating a meal, passing on seconds (“No thanks, I’m full.”), and then going to get more food on the way back to my own house. Now that’s just crazy. I actually didn’t realize how much I did this until after I started losing weight, some friends pointed out to me that they thought I didn’t eat much when I was at their house. I was thinking to myself, “Really?” They’re excellent cooks and I really enjoy eating with them. However spending time in fat-land, I became incredibly self-conscious about how much I eat. If I hid how much I ate from friends, then I convinced myself they would not really think about how much I weighed. In truth, I have no idea what most of them think about my weight. It’s still not something I feel comfortable talking about that much, even though I think about it a lot. Now I am a lot more honest about what I eat. I don’t think I hide eating from others anymore, even though there was a time I would regularly hide food wrappers, dispose of food trash in places other than my home garbage can, etc. That’s clearly addict behavior. I work to be honest with you, dear readers, about my struggles and when I mess up. Even though I have no idea who you are and whether you read this (and thus whether “you” even exist), the collective, invisible “you” keep me honest. Thank you.

The final reason I think being a closet eater is so terrible is that I think being a closet eater really chews on your psyche. This goes along with point #2 about being dishonest. Most of all, I think that living a double life (i.e., a public eating life, and a private, closeted eating life) underscores the failure you’ve become. To me it wasn’t unlike what I see of drug addicts (mostly from movies, so who knows how accurate my perception of drug addicts is…). When I wanted to eat, I would plan out my stealthy food-obtaining missions in advance. My mouth would water in anticipation (literally in a primal-like physical reaction), I would become anxious and jumpy, I would look for places to go by myself and eat. It is ludicrous to reflect on now, but it was very much a part of my life for a long time.

In general, I think that anything that causes you shame is not good. It could be that the shame is misplaced, and you’re doing the right thing and you need to come to terms with your actions – that is, you need to let go of the shame and be proud of your actions, opinions, etc. An example of this is smart kids who feel ashamed of their intelligence, who feel like their intellect is a liability and who just plain feel like they don’t fit in. Lots of times, however, shame is warranted and it’s the underlying behavior that needs changed. My closet eating, of course, is an example.

I am getting better at closet eating (i.e., doing less of it). However, there are times when I really struggle with wanting to do it. The struggle becomes most intense when I am feeling really strong emotions – the toughest for me are lonlieness, sadness, anger, and despair.

Decoupling food and emotion is a tough challenge, but I am doing better at it. I think recognizing it is one of the first steps. It’s tough, but important. I would really like to lick this for good this time and be a closet eater no more.

OUCH

I went to the gym this morning at 6 as planned. However, I only worked out for 20 minutes. The pain in my back was excruciating. It felt like a huge pinched nerve. Fortunately, I am starting to understand and feel where and how my back is out of alignment after having this happen so much recently. I came up and laid down and twisted the way I thought I needed to go back into alignment. Got a huge crack and a little relief right away. Hoping today is a good day and that this pain is gone for the day!! I have to sit ALL. DAY. LONG. (meetings) so I am hopeful that I can make it. And go for a REAL workout once I get back to Fayetteville!!!

Taking a break

Today I quit Weight Watchers for awhile. I am not using the tools and the program, so I should stop paying for it. Incidentally, today was my lowest weight yet on this journey. It is surprising to me because I have not really been actively working on losing weight in awhile -- really just trying to maintain. Also surprising given that (TMI alert -- you can stop reading now if you want) it's that time of the month. (resume reading here).

I think part of the weight loss might have to do with not working out for a week. I am sure I have lost a little muscle mass as a result of my relative inactivity -- the weight loss is great, but this is definitely not the way I want to lose it! As anyone who works out but is not losing weight can tell you "Muscle weighs more than fat!" Trite but true.