Unmet Expectations

I have told you that I am so very close to being at my lowest weight as an adult, ever - 229.4. I was hoping that I would reach that weight by this week.

Today is my weigh in day. I did not meet that goal. I did weigh in at 230.0, 0.6 lbs above my goal.

Initially I felt sad. I was a little angry at myself even. Then I re-evaluated.

• I haven't been losing weight consistently since May. The last two weeks are the first two consecutive, significant weight losses I've had in nearly six months. I've finally broken outside the 235 plus or minus a couple pound window.
• I lost 3.6 lbs this week. That is 1/2 lb/day. Not insignificant. And for a second week in a row!
• My back still hurts so I can't exercise as much or as intensely as I would like. Less intense exercise = fewer activity points = slower weight loss. And a potential minefield for emotional eating.
• I had FOUR Christmas parties this week. I still lost almost a pound for every one. I mean, really?! That is freaking incredible.

I realized that there is nothing to be upset about with my loss this week and, even more importantly, that this week was a huge success and is worth celebrating. This underscores for me that I do not like and cannot for my own psyche handle the "I want to lose ____ pounds by ____ time frame!" I can control what I eat and how much I exercise, but when I lose the weight is up to my body. However, if I do the right things (eat healthily and enjoy treats in moderation, and exercise), the results I want WILL follow -- even if it's not necessarily in the time frame that I want it to happen.

I need to focus on the positive and stay the course. I mean, I am only 31 and I have a lifetime of healthy living to do. If I miss my goal by a week, it is ok. I will get it next week. As long as I am making wise choices, the weight will take care of itself in time.

Wordle of my Blog

Have you ever used Wordle? It is really neat. Here is how it characterizes what I talk about on my blog. Apparently I love milk and cheese. And yoga. And I whine about my back a lot (sorry).

(Re: the dairy: guilty as charged - last week I drank about a gallon of milk. One more reason I love Points Plus!)

Non-Scale Victory!!!

Notice anything special about what I'm wearing in this picture? No?

Well, there is something very special about these clothes. They aren't plus size. They're 18, not 18Ws! Earlier this month I ordered for the first time in ages -- probably since 2000, literally 10 years -- a bunch of clothes that weren't plus sized. There have been a few times I have bought something on sale that I thought would fit later that wasn't plus sized, or times I've made mistakes and gotten the wrong size (unintentionally) that were not plus sized. However, this order was completely intentional. And, I was a little surprised but 100% delighted when my new goodies all fit!

A new chapter in this WL journey. Now when I get to size 14, it will be like a whole new world because I will be able to shop in almost any store. Goodbye Lane Bryant!! It's been real.

Unbelievable

Last night was holiday party 4/4 for the week. It was the one where I went the craziest, but my decisions were calculated and not terrible. It was an Italian potluck, and cheese is my favorite food ever. That made things a bit of a minefield, and a good chance to splurge a bit. I also had several desserts, but only slivers of each (except the peppermint bark and I had 3 or 4 good sized pieces). I had plenty of weekly points, made sure to go to the yoga in the morning since the time of the party conflicted with my usual exercise schedule, and overall felt comfortable with my choices. That having been said, I FULLY expected a small gain this morning or in the best case, to stay even. And I was fine with that, figuring the aftermath would go away in a day or two.

Nope. Down this morning to 230.8. Unbelievable. I'm now 1.6 lbs from my lowest weight in 10+ years (and remember I'm 31 so we're talking like 1/3 of my life). During the Christmas season. During a week where I had 4 parties.

I feel like a rock star.

My Opinions on WW Points Plus

The new Weight Watchers Points Plus system launched the Monday after Thanksgiving. I decided it was a great time to give Weight Watchers another honest try. After so many false starts, I was not sure whether my latest attempt would stick.

But it has. The reason why is because the new program (in my opinion) is great.

The new program emphasizes whole foods -- particularly fruits, vegetables, and lean proteins -- in a way it hasn't before. Here are the differences I've noticed:

• The meaning of a point is re-calibrated - everyone receives a higher daily allotment of points, and a weekly cache of points too. For example, I used to get 29 points a day on the old program, but when I started Points Plus I got 38 points a day. Everyone used to get 35 extra points a week; we now get 49.
• Many of the formerly 1 pt. foods are higher in points (e.g., Bagel Thins are now 3 points whereas they used to be 1). This applies largely to foods high in carbs and/or processed foods. I hear booze is higher too, but I rarely consume it so I don't know for sure.
• Most fruits and vegetables are "free" and do not count against the daily points allowances. The only exceptions I know of are corn, potatoes, peas, and avocados.
• Foods containing protein did not go up much in points values and therefore count less against the daily amount of points you can eat. For example, eggs and a cup of milk are still 2 points apiece as they were on the old WW plan.

I believe that the modified Points Plus program addresses many of the concerns/problems I had with WW previously, but retains the parts I like the most.

Modified parts of the program that I like

• The program emphasizes (subtly) the importance of protein. The importance of protein is something I caught onto via trial and error this summer. When I have a meal that contains both carbs and protein, it keeps me fuller for longer and also curbs cravings for crap. I like that it is now easier to eat more protein because it is proportionally less expensive than it used to be.
• I love the free fruit!!! I still eat a bunch of it, probably more than I have before.
• I have openly criticized the WW foods that they used to sell. Although I do not eat 100% unprocessed foods, I would say that about 80% of what I eat is unprocessed. I like that they have gotten rid of the 1 point faux foods (e.g., 1 point ice cream with fiber added) that contain a ton of chemicals.
• Although I was never at a weight where I had a restrictively low number of points (the lowest I ever had was 29/day), it was not uncommon for me to be hungry despite eating the "right" things (the filling foods, etc). I feel that the modified plan rewards the way I had been eating, and now allows me to eat more food.
• I feel like I can live within my daily points. I could not do this before. I regularly ate 5-7 points above my target on the old plan (which was still technically ok since I usually earned 5-10 activity points/day and could use my weekly points too).

Parts of the program that stay the same that I like

• I like that I can eat anything I want. While the program encourages me to make healthier choices, I can still have cheese dip or a donut if I want to and have the points budget for it. I also like that I don't have to subscribe to a fixed meal plan. That makes me feel like I have control over what I am eating, rather than being forced to eat a meal that is scheduled. It also makes me feel like I can go out to dinner with friends without feeling guilty about it as long as I plan for it.
• I love the concept of weekly points and activity points. This makes me feel like I can splurge on treats every now and then with this plan.
• If you follow it, the program works. I have lost 5.8 lbs in the 10 days I have been on the plan. It's hard for me to argue with results if I feel like I am doing it in a way that is honoring my body. (i.e., eating healthy foods vs. some other gimmicky crash diet)

Other than the annoyance/inconvenience of learning new points values, I cannot think of much that I do not like about the new WW Points Plus system. I feel a renewed sense of excitement about tracking and being on WW that I haven't felt in a long time. I have tracked every single thing I have eaten for 10 days, and I can't even think of the last time that happened before Points Plus.

Renewed Vigor and Tis the Season....

I haven't blogged about it and I think it is significant enough for a post of its own to be written later, but let me tell you all:

I LOVE THE NEW WEIGHT WATCHERS!!!!

I started the program the day it debuted (week after Thanksgiving), and I figured "I'll give it a shot. We'll see if it sticks."

It's been no secret that I've been stuck in a weight loss malaise for the last 4-6 months. I've been maintaining and not gaining, but I've been stuck in the same +/-5 lb window for a long time. The lowest I've gotten was 230.6 which occurred just prior to bout 2 of back problems. I tend to stick closer to 235 though. The lowest I have ever weighed in my adult life was 229.5 which I weighed for several months in graduate school.

Well, I am proud to announce that the spell is broken. I am now loving the new WW plan and am able to easily stick to it. I am also proud to announce that the scale is moving in the right direction!!

The week after Thanksgiving, I weighed in at 237.2 and started the new WW program. The first week on the program, I lost 3.6 lbs and weighed in at 233.6. This morning I weighed in at 231.4 (though it is not my official weigh-in day; my official day is on Sunday). And this, by the way, is in the midst of back pain that leaves me unable to work out as much or as aggressively as I usually do.

I am 2 lbs away from a very magical number. When I weigh 229.4, this will be significant both because it will mark exactly 70 lbs lost and will be the lowest I have weighed as an adult, ever. The last time I know I weighed this was as a sophomore in college (1999). Who knows, I may reach 229.4 this week!

My original goal for the holiday season was not to gain weight. However, I have now set my sights higher and want to lose weight over the holiday season. I'm not oblivious to the increased incidence of land mines around this time of the year (four holiday parties this week alone!), but I think I can do this. So far (two parties down for the week), I have done ok. Having a mindset of saying "Yes" to health rather than "No" to food, and having a plan that is healthy and reasonable to stick to is making all the difference so far.

What a difference a year makes....

Christmas 2010 (L) vs. Christmas 2009 (R)

There's about a 30 lb. difference. Sometimes I minimize that (e.g. "less than a lb. a week?! that is nothing!!" or "You're still considered obese!"), but I really shouldn't and I am going to stop that. It is negative self talk and, for those of you who know me in real life, you know I would not allow someone else to talk to me like that!

In the past year, I've overcome depression, dealt with 3 bouts of back issues that leave me unable to even sit up too long and exercise, and dealt with family issues/drama.

I have also made a new group of friends and lost 30 lbs. I have discovered that I love cycling and have ridden about 500 cathartic miles on my bike. I have learned a lot about myself and about life and my ability to persevere.

Probably the most important thing I am learning now is that I WANT to do this. I am not doing this because I should. I am not doing this because of the dire consequences of what will happen if I don't do this. I am doing this -- this healthy living thing -- because I want to enjoy a life where my body and health do not inhibit me from doing the things that I want to do. It makes saying no to food easier about 80% of the time, because it's not saying "No" to something desirable like a brownie, but rather saying "Yes" to the ability to walk around all day without getting tired or being able to shop in a "normal" store and not be banished to Lane Bryant or a plus sized section.

Now that's not to say I don't eat brownies or cheese or other treats, but I just have to be more judicious in my choices and not shovel everything in my trap or use food as a crutch so I don't have to deal with how I'm really feeling. I am nowhere near "there" but moderation is becoming a concept I can understand and am starting to employ after years - YEARS - of disordered eating and abusing food.

I look forward to another year of progress. Game on 2011!

Real Food

During my trip to Missouri we went to Amish country. There, we bought several goodies including milk and eggs. We made both yogurt cheese from the milk. The milk was simultaneously the most delicious and the most rich milk I have consumed in my life. I also bought the BEST cream cheese (freshly made of course) I have EVER eaten.

Me, making cheese with our milk from Amish country. It was so good (and I must acknowledge the help I received from Esra's mom -- THANK YOU!!!)

While I was in Columbia, we ate really well -- but differently than I usually eat. We ate a lot of cheese (no complaints from me!). These guys also ate a lot of stuff containing olive oil and yogurt. I eat this stuff too (some of my favorites actually), but there is a difference: everything I ate at my hosts' house was full fat. Full fat yogurt; no concern for using a bit of extra olive oil.

I'm not going to lie, this freaked me out at first. However, when I returned from the trip I only gained 0.2 lbs (which is nothing considering the rich food I ate). I also returned with a different mindset.

God made foods as whole fat foods. Cheese is generally made to be full fat; lesser-fat versions are just more processed. I don't generally love the modified/processed foods like the (formerly) 1 pt. english muffins -- why is taking all of the fat out of milk any different? It is just processing the milk into an unnatural state.

I am not sure what changes I will make to my diet, but I am going to be less quick to buy the reduced fat versions of things, and the reduced fat versions of things that taste gross are DONE! It is better to have a little of something that I really enjoy than to have more of something that is processed and unnatural and not even all that appealing.

I am going to try to eat more REAL food, and less processed stuff (even though I did this to a large extent already).

Raw

This weekend, one of the people at our Thanksgiving was someone that I didn't know too well. She was a part of an arranged marriage with a good friend of mine from graduate school, so it was so nice to get a chance to spend getting to know her.

At some point, the topic of weight came up. I don't even really remember how (although maybe it was due to talking about my mango allergy, which led to my blog?). Anyway, she asked how I got started losing the weight.

As I told her, I cried. I was surprised.

Another friend -- one that I have now known for 9 years (can't believe it's been that long) -- has been friends with me at my fattest and during the first period in my life where I lost weight. He and I were also talking about this journey at one point during my visit.

Once again, I cried.

I have to admit, this kind of surprises me. These guys were not asking anything mean-spirited or judgmental at all. They were both kind and compassionate and genuinely supportive and interested. They were giving out nothing but good vibes.

I've been on this journey for a year and a half now. I have made progress, faced challenges, felt like giving up, pressed on, and have ultimately come out at a much better place. I am feeling like I can do "this" -- this healthy living thing, including but not limited to eating right and exercising often -- forever, and it is shocking to me sometimes the degree to which the choices I'm making feel natural. For example, there was a point last week I was craving lentils, and the thought of Doritos or cake just sounded gross.

So why is this place in my life and my heart -- the one that deals with weight and getting healthy -- still so emotional to talk about? I am not sure, but I feel as though I must figure it out so that I can work through the issues that underlie this sensitivity. Any insights would be appreciated.

Back Problems

The week prior to Thanksgiving, things were insanely hectic at work. There was a bunch I wanted to get accomplished prior to the break. That meant staying later than I usually would a few days, which meant skipping the yoga class I usually go to on Monday.

Mistake.

Thursday, as I was starting out on the 5K, my back started to hurt a bit and my glutes were tight. By the end of the "race" (which I in no way treated as such, owing to the back issues), I was really really in bad shape.

I figured it would be no big deal. I stopped to get some tennis balls (which are amazing for getting knots out after having muscle spasms) and thought I would do my stretching exercises from my PT.

Unfortunately, the problem has not gone away easily. It's been more than a week now. My back still hurts, although I am managing the pain much better than I ever have in the past. I do a lot of stretching and yoga. Although I am not 100% better, I am getting there and am optimistic I will be ok again soon. In the meantime I will be doing a lot of stretching and yoga, and stopping exercise when it doesn't feel right. Also, I have found that using a foam roller and rolling over it with my whole body, stomach facing up will usually help my back pop back into place. Who knew that, in addition to all of the other great things that foam rollers are, that they are a cheap faux chiropractor?

Lesson learned, though: yoga 2-3/week is imperative for me if I want to stay mobile. These activities need to be prioritized in my schedule, and not crowded out when I'm "too busy". In fact, I am too busy NOT to do yoga, as I cannot afford to be sidelined for several days or even weeks with debilitating back pain -- even if that means leaving work a couple days at 4:30 and working some more from home.

My First 5K

The morning of Thanksgiving, I went to do my first 5K. It was called the Turkey Trax, and I had found out about it online. It was in the low 30s the day of the race (not remarkable for my friends and past life up north, but I now consider it unseasonably cold weather for where I live), so I dressed in layers.

I was proud of my decision to register for this 5K. My registration was significant for a few reasons...

1. I sought this out. It wasn't something that I had a bunch of friends participating in and I decided to tag along. I did the research, found out about something happening in a town 5 hrs away from where I usually live but where I would be on Thanksgiving, and registered.
2. It was my first 5K. I really didn't know what to expect - would this be a "fun run" where there wasn't much pressure? Would this be super competitive? Would there be walkers or just runners? I wasn't sure, but decided I didn't care: I would try anyway, letting the chips fall where they may.
3. This represents a shift in my priorities. Thanksgiving is another day; exercise and healthy living is no less important on one day than any other. Now, I'm not saying it's not ok to indulge every once in awhile (holiday or otherwise) and in fact I did indulge food-wise on this day; however, it is important for me day in and day out to make healthy living a priority, and this 5K is one way that I did just that.

So how did I do? I'd say the answer is mixed. I had entertained the idea of trying to run/walk it. I decided I would stretch a lot both before and after, but would just see how in shape I was if I decided to go after this run/walk idea with no training whatsoever. That ended up not happening because early in the walk my back started to hurt. I was walking relatively quickly, but was not jogging. I was happy I listened to my body and did not push the running thing.

I finished the 5K in 49:09, which means my pace was 15:49/mile. I finished 424th of the 448 people who participated. Though my stats are unremarkable (maybe even poor), the decision to participate at all is something I am so so proud of.

Thanksgiving

I spent this Thanksgiving with some friends in Columbia, Missouri. I was supposed to go visit them last year for Thanksgiving, but my back problems were terrible and I just could not sit up for that long to drive to visit them. This year I was happy to be able to make the trip. I not only got to see several good friends from graduate school, I got to meet for the first time a baby that one couple had! He was adorable and at 6 weeks had the most hair for a 6 week old that I have ever seen as well.

Before I left for Missouri (I was supposed to leave the Wednesday before Thanksgiving), I talked to my friend about menu planning and shopping. He was very unconcerned about it, figuring it would all come together at the last minute which was sort of fine with me. He did not share my concern that the grocery store would be out of the staples for a traditional meal. In fact, he went to far as to say, "The important thing is not the food; the important thing is that we are together for Thanksgiving and able to be together." Ouch. Point taken.

A bit of background - the friends at this occasion were a married Indian vegetarian couple and a married Turkish halal-eating couple (similar to the idea of kosher, but for Muslims), and myself - a dyed in the wool midwestern omnivore and a self-diagnosed recovering food addict. Point being? Finding a meal with something for everyone -- protein for the vegetarians, etc -- was not going to be easy to start with even with unlimited resources/time at the grocery store.

So how did it go? It was without a doubt the most disorganized Thanksgiving I had ever been a part of. We did not send our first delegation to the grocery store until 3 PM on Thanksgiving day (mind you, guests were scheduled to arrive for dinner at 7 PM). The first trip to the grocery store resulted in some forgotten items, so I was sent on a second trip to the store around 4 PM. I was so stressed out and ended up coping with that with food (not proud of the choice, but it was progress in that the transgressions were much more minor than past food-related transgressions). A halal turkey could not be located, so chicken was substituted.

I have to give everyone credit. The meal really did turn out wonderfully and amazingly only 15-30 minutes after the originally scheduled dinner time of 7, everything was ready! Everything except the chicken was vegetarian, and everything tasted good.

Above is a picture of my plate. I did go back for seconds of the carrots and mashed potatoes, I had a piece of pumpkin pie (a sliver) and a cheesecake/sour cream dessert, and a small scoop modified watergate salad. I felt, for having skipped lunch because of a late and large breakfast, I controlled things very well. I was happy with how I did.

Progress Pics

Here is a picture I took about a week ago (on the left). It's been awhile since I've posted progress pictures. Interestingly, I took a set of pictures in the same place (locker room at the gym) in the same outfit in May (on the right). I have "only" lost 5 lbs since then (I weighed 242 in May and 237 this week), but it is amazing how much working out has changed the composition of my body. The difference is remarkable, even to me.

Decision

I decided to go with the Chicken Marsala option, and I requested all sauces and dressings on the side. I think this will help me to limit the amount of Marsala sauce that is on my dish. Also, the dessert is tiramisu, and I don't even really like that so I think I will pass on it. Thanks for all the input!

Also - to clarify, I am generally not shy about requesting sauces on the side or making other (what I deem not ridiculous) special requests, like steaming veggies instead of cooking them with butter. I do get shy about it, though, with "mass produced" catering-type meals like you'd get at a wedding or group dinner like this. I got over it though and asked for the meal like I wanted it!

Vote please/help

Holiday dinner for work is upon us...which of these do you think is the healthiest? All look tasty. Also do you think it is too gauche to special order dressings/sauces on the sides?

1) Chicken Marsala - Pan-Seared Chicken Breast Served with a Parmesan Risotto Cake, Steamed Asparagus and Marsala Sauce

2) Roasted Pork Loin - Served with Puree of Potatoes and Wild Mushroom Sauce

3) Lasagna Alla Bolognese - Chef’s Signature Bolognese, Bechamelle, Tomato, Fresh Basil, and Mozzarella

Please let me know your thoughts on

a) entree choice

b) tackiness of asking for sauces on the side...

Thank you! More substantial posts coming when I have time. Maybe midweek...