Weird

The other day I was walking across campus to get some Papa Johns. Pizza is probably my favorite food, and that's probably because it has cheese on it. Wow, derailed and off topic on the second sentence of the post already!

Anyway...in front of the little food court where Papa John's is, there are often tables of students trying to get people to sign petitions, passing out flyers, and so on. The day I went to get pizza, they were passing out free bags of chips to welcome people back to school or something. Free Doritos! Doritos are my favorite!!! (again, the cheese)

"Do you want a bag of chips?" some student asked.

"No thanks," I responded.

OK, that's normal right? Someone living healthy passing on a bag of Doritos? BFD.

Actually for me it's a huge deal and here's why. In the past I likely would have said no so that's not what is new. What's new is that the answer "No" was reflexive -- I didn't have to stop and think "Do I really want this?" What's new is that the answer didn't cause me to white knuckle it past the group of students and take a different route back to my office after lunch so I could avoid having to face that temptation again. What's new is that there was basically no anxiety about forgoing the food. Thats what's new and that's what's awesome.

I have nothing against chips. In fact, I had Doritos the morning of this situation. But I know I can have them when I want them and there's no need to scarf them down like I'll never have the chance to eat them again any opportunity I get, and it's probably better to have almonds sitting in my office for when I get hungry rather than having Doritos around. THAT is what is new, and that is what is so freaking exciting to feel -- that food just really isn't a big deal, even if they're foods that I like a whole lot like Doritos.

I am changing, and it is weird but so gratifying. And so worth it.

New Pictures

I really don't have that many pictures from my biggest days. Like many, I ran and hid or looked for any sort of excuse to not be in pictures at the first hint of a camera ("No, let me take the picture!"). I do have a couple though, and maybe there are some more out there besides the ones I have -- but seriously, I really tried to avoid cameras back in the day. And I think to a large degree, I was successful.

I no longer do this, and now I even have a ridiculous number of pictures I've taken of myself either with the long-arm self photo technique, or of me in the mirror from my phone. Anyway, as I uploaded the latest set of pictures from my camera on to my computer, I was surprised at how skinny my face looks. I wanted to dig up a comparison photo and found this one from a trip to NYC in 2008. I bought those pants in the photo on the left prior to my trip because none of my others fit; they were all too tight. The olive green pants were a size 24, and eventually got too tight. Three years and 70 lbs later, I now wear size 16W or 18.

BTW, the picture on the right is of my roommate Katie and I at the Razorbacks game last weekend. Our seats were high up, but it makes for a very scenic picture. Plus, if I had to choose, I'd rather have close seats for the theatre and far seats for the football games -- so I am doing pretty well in life :)

Food pantries

This post was prompted by the Weight Watchers Lose for Good campaign. I love and am very grateful for Weight Watchers. It has changed my life, and I am really grateful for everything the program has taught me. Through Weight Watchers, I've lost 70 lbs.

The biggest thing I love about Weight Watchers is that I can eat real food, and that I can eat whatever I want. I cannot eat as much as I want of whatever I want, but Weight Watchers has taught me how I can "budget" for the foods I want and enjoy them in moderation. As someone who has never really done much of anything in moderation, this is a great skill for me to learn.

I read on a fellow Weight Watcher's blog about the Lose for Good campaign, where they ask you to donate something (a food item, a pound of food, etc) for every pound you've lost to a food pantry. I love this idea. I lately have felt very prompted to give more of my money away, and heard just last week about how many of our local food pantries are running very low on food. This is not a coincidence; I believe that this is a direct sign that I need to give food to these food pantries. I felt great about all of this.... (except for the food pantries being short; that part made me sad)

...then I thought to myself, "What should I give these food pantries?" I think canned food is gross and I really don't eat that much from bags or boxes or cans as I think they're mostly unhealthy (although convenient). I prefer fresh vegetables, milk, fruit, and obviously my favorite -- cheese! But I don't know how I can donate these, as they are harder to store and distribute than shelf-stable items. Also, I don't know how to effectively strike the balance between being like the fuddy-duddy who gave bags of carrots away for Halloween and the person who gives candy to kids in third world nations where they can't easily brush their teeth. I mean, what is the right answer? Donate some Ramen noodles and PopTarts? Or donate some bagged lentils -- surely those would not really be a huge hit, although they're healthy (and a personal favorite of mine).

I welcome your thoughts. Weight Watchers has changed for my life and I'd love to participate in their noble efforts to pay it forward via food drive donations...but paying it forward with unhealthy, sodium laden processed foods that played a major role in my own weight struggles just seems wrong. I don't know. Thoughts? Suggestions?

Another quick update

My back is hurting the longest it has in awhile -- despite my doing yoga twice last weekend and making it to the pool twice this week, my back is like "you're not serious, right?!". It's making it hard to concentrate and do any sort of work.

The good news is that the food is back to normal. I haven't been to an OA meeting since Sunday (I really need to go soon), but for some reason it's not been a huge struggle this week. I am grateful and I will take it.

I am grateful for the upcoming weekend. I really need the rest; I feel run ragged. This pace of life is not sustainable for me.