Thursday, October 14, 2010

Multitasking - aka, I haven't arrived yet

Right after I wrote the "woe is me, how can I possibly function in normal society around food" post, I got sick and ended up not even going to the potluck that I was simultaneously really looking forward to (I like the people in my group and I am excited to get to know them better) and dreading (I hate to handle myself around food when the choices are not really ideal). I was disappointed not to be able to go.

All of last week, I was sick.  It was that mid-level sick where you feel like crap and are tired and just want to sleep and do nothing, but you're not so sick that you can actually justify staying home or missing work.  I had an almost cold that made it hard to use my neti pot (too stuffed up but eventually it worked and now I can use it easily again) and just brought me down -- my attitude and my energy.  Last week contained a lot more sleep and a lot less exercise than I am used to these days.

Feeling sick also made me want to eat like crap.  I was just not up to cooking or preparing much myself.  Other than that I have no idea why I wasn't really feeling the healthy eating thing.  I was not too strict on myself and I actually did eat like crap for awhile -- i.e., I crossed the "I want to" line and went to the to the "I'm going to" side.

I was really upset and disappointed about all of this.  Not disappointed enough in myself to actually change things, mind you, but disappointed in myself nonetheless.  That is the perfect storm for a binge or for feeling down and planting the seeds of depression, but neither ensued.  I am proud of myself for that.  And grateful to modern pharmacology (Wellbutrin FTW).

I think the reason I was disappointed in myself was mostly because I realized that even though I thought my healthy choices had taken root and were full fledged habits, I realized as a result of being sick that they were not as habitual as I thought.  Alas.  I am back in control, though, and am making healthy choices again.  It feels good.

As a result of this sickness, I have realized something about myself.  I can really only handle one big thing at a time.  What I mean is that I (usually) can keep most of the balls that I juggle in my day to day life in the air and from crashing down.  However, I can only focus on one huge new initiative at a time.  Although I thought healthy eating was now just one of the balls that I juggled, I was disappointed and even a little surprised that it is not.  It is still in the "major initiative" category for me and as such requires a lot of thought and planning and effort.  Being sick and focusing on getting better displaced my effort to get healthy.  I will continue to work on living a healthy lifestyle and I will get better at it, but for now I am not to the point where it is reflexive.  Sigh.  

The good news is that I am not sick anymore and thus can focus on the broader picture of health that I have been working for for awhile now.  I will continue until I get there.  I will.  I am.

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