Facing the Music

This week I was up 4.8 lbs.

I could say that it is because I haven't been drinking much water. I could say that the reason was that I am likely to be retaining water because it is TOM. I could blame it on the fact that I couldn't exercise much this week because of how much my tooth hurt and because I have been sick (having a lot of head stuffiness and/or the beginnings of a cold and just generally feel tired and crappy). I could say that because I've been feeling gross I've been eating out more.

All of these things are true. But it's also true that my eating has sucked and that I accept responsibility for this gain. That's the more honest thing to do.

Although I am really disappointed -- disappointed in myself, not just in the number on the scale -- I have to say there are some mixed blessings in this gain...some things that actually make me feel normal. Let me share two.

1. I have never understood when magazines or people talk about wanting to lose 5 lbs. It always seemed so insignificant to me at almost 300 lbs. "Ooooh, you lose 5 lbs! Then you weigh 295." It just didn't compute to me. This week, after gaining 5 lbs. I saw how it could make a difference. My clothes are tighter and I just feel bigger, especially my stomach. I don't like it. However, it is nice to feel like 5 lbs. matter. I guess I can start to see where "normal" sized people feel like that, even though I still 50+ lbs. overweight.
2. I also never understood water retention. As I have been losing weight, I can recognize it when the scale goes up by 2-3 lbs. when my eating has not been bad that it is probably water weight or fluid retention. I understand it on a cerebral level, but I have never actually felt the water weight. Now that I am more conscious in my appearance, I notice that rings fit more tightly when I am retaining water. I can also tell that my face appears slightly puffier. Although I am not a fan of water weight, I am a fan of being more in touch with my body and small enough to notice changes due to a couple lbs. instead of having that be so insignificant at a larger size.

So, that's my report for the week. It is not really great news. In fact, I think I have passed the "disappointed in myself this week" point and gotten to the "ashamed and seriously disgusted with myself" point. That is always dangerous because it makes me want to binge. And I seriously almost did today. And yesterday. However, I talked myself off the ledge both times. My eating was still poor and I'm not proud of it, but I did not eat bags of candy, chips, and cartons of ice cream and I am extremely proud of that -- especially considering how close I was to doing it not once but twice (as in, into the car both times and on my way to get binge food). I count the small victories when they are hard to come by.