Deja Vu

So if I had to pick a word to describe this break, it would be "sucked". I had the worst bout of sciatica I've had in a long time. I barely left my house because it hurt so much to move.

Well, general holiday-ness + frustration from pain and immobility + immobility due to sciatica and pain = weight gain. To be exact, I was up to 243 Tuesday when I finally braved the scale.

Part of that is from traveling and stress in November. Lots of it is from the holiday food that seems to be pervasive. And what's sadder is that the weight gain doesn't tell the whole story. Working out very little or not at all over those months led my body composition to change rather significantly, exchanging muscle for fat.

So here I am in a place I've been before -- heavier, squishier, and with limited ability to work out due to the sciatica. And despite my having been here before, it somehow seems very different. I am not freaking out. I started seriously tracking things two days ago and I have stayed the course (and let me tell you there are times -- usually in the evenings when I am home by myself -- that it takes almost everything I have not to gorge myself). I will get this weight off and push myself even further. I will honor my body and work through the sciatica issue (which is already markedly better. Last night was my first night without Vicodin and muscle relaxers and though my sleep was terrible, I did make it through).

I just wanted to do a brief check in and be honest about this weight gain because goodness knows I'd get on here and trumpet my success if I had lost 15 lbs rather than gained it! Wishing everyone a happy and healthy new year.

Consistency

This week I've been back on the straight and (relatively) narrow. Tracking my food, going to the gym -- all of the habits that help me to be successful and that I get mad at myself when I quit, but that I manage to stray from relatively often. This is resulting in some losses on the scale, though I'm not where I want to be, or anywhere close (236.2 this morning vs in the high 220s for most of the fall).

It is funny -- when I am gaining weight, I am always surprised at how slowly it happens on the way up. Yeah, there's always that shocking "Holy crap, I gained 3 lbs" the day that follows a binge or a cocktail party, but most of the weight typically is water weight and most (though not all) of it usually goes away in a day or two. Let's face it, I have been feeding my body total crap for a month and a half now, and I have gained "just" 10 lbs.

It makes me think, "OMG, how MUCH and how CONSISTENTLY did I abuse my body to weigh 300 lbs?!?"

The flip side is even more infuriating. It took me a long time and a noble effort to gain weight up until the point where I was 300 lbs. How do I seriously expect to undo a month's worth of couch surfing and food abusing in like 2 days? The weight will take time and consistent effort to lose, just like it did to gain.

Patience, grasshopper.

23 1/2 hours

I think that this video is awesome. It was personally convicting, especially as I try to get back into a routine of going to the gym.

It's been a month

SO. Yeah. It's been a month.

Things here have been a lot of hard going. Not really sure why, but what's a blog good for if not a little introspection and conjecture?

The long and the short of it is that I'm up about 10 lbs. It feels like so much more.

So....yeah.

In early November, I was traveling for about 2 weeks. Living out of a suitcase and eating from restaurants everyday used to hold some appeal to me when I was in college and I wanted to be a consultant, but I can now say there is no bed like my own and no food like the kind I can make. That's not to say I don't love travel and adventure and restaurants -- I do -- but there's just something to be said for being able to make and eat your own food. Doing without all of that and having less control than I'd like over what I ate was not that great.

Also, I'm not going to lie, I was pretty lazy when traveling. The good news is that staying on college campuses and in cities several blocks from where my conference was being held led me to do a lot of walking. But as to a formal workout? Yeah, that didn't happen. Not even once in two weeks.

Another critical factor is the emotional battle that is a professional conference. I used to REALLY look forward to these conferences, as they were one of a handful of social outlets that I had when I did not yet have friends in Arkansas. Now that I have friends here? The stress of feeling judged all the time and regretting my early years with little productivity outweigh the nice-ness of seeing my friends at these conferences. That's not to say I don't love to see my friends; I do -- but I find the pre-tenure constant judgement pretty grating. And I'm not pleased to admit that I drowned my sorrows in food a few times. Yep, compulsive eating still leaves you feeling belittled and like a failure and gross. Don't do it.

So when I got back to Arkansas, it was SO hard to get back in a routine! After I got back from traveling, it was Thanksgiving. I did not really hold anything back for that. And I cannot even tell you the last time I went to the gym more than once during a week. Sigh.

So, here I am, 10 lbs heavier, and I feel squishier than I have in a long time (muscle loss from not working out??). It's pretty gross. I am not eating enough fruits and veggies, nor am I drinking enough water.

I want to turn this ship around. Today, I packed my lunch. I said no to leftovers from a work party that would have been delicious but pretty unhealthy in favor of what I'd brought. My goal was to drink 96 oz of water today; so far I've had about 70 oz. Tonight, I am meeting a friend at the gym for an hour long (!!) spin class. And I am going public in saying that I will go to the gym tomorrow too.

So? I feel so grateful that I know that I've been here before, having undone progress but then re-doing it and ending up pushing forward. I feel glad that I am changing my all or nothing thinking. (e.g., I'm not giving up completely after this and saying, "Well I guess I'll always be fat"). That's not to say that my feelings about my current weight loss situation isn't mixed with a fair amount of regret or just feeling gross, but I am glad that I see past this and won't quit.

Tired of Traveling

I've been home just 30 hours since last Monday. I'm heading home Thursday morning. All of the things I've done have been really great -- making connections, learning things, seeing and catching up with friends. Also, I have to admit it's been pretty great in a hotel room with cable so I can catch up on crappy TV when I'm here -- but overall I am basically over traveling.

The food is getting harder. I know I have gained a decent chunk of weight. I have not been making great choices, and I am just ready to be home and cook.

Seasonal Affective Disorder

It is killing me. I need sun. This is so freaking depressing. Has anyone used a light box before? Thoughts? Recommendations?

Best applesauce ever and cooking

I have made great strides in my cooking in the last couple years. For me, the ability to make myself food that is delicious and that I know I control the ingredients to is key. I love trying and experimenting with new recipes. Love that a lot. But I'm now trying to enter a new phase: cooking without a cookbook.

As I've gotten more confident in the kitchen, I have taken more liberties with recipes and substitutions and additions. I love to add roasted garlic to stuff. I almost always substitute half and half for cream in soups and in ice creams. I'd like to get to the place, though, where I can just look at what I have, dream something up, make it, and then have it taste fabulous.

I made a big stride today, and had a really delicious result.

First of all, I went grocery shopping the other day. It was so nice to have groceries again. As I usually do, I bought a bunch of fruit. Delicious? Totally. Great idea? Maybe not since I'm leaving for two weeks Monday. I decided to make "apple" sauce -- and by applesauce, I mean the hot dogs of the applesauce world, where I tossed in a little of everything to help whittle down my produce stash.

I used pears (4-5), apples (12-15), raspberries (about 2/3 of a big package), cranberries (about 1/2 lb), juice and zest of one orange. I do not peel the apples or pears (even though many recipes say you should) because I like the fiber they add. I also had leftover cider, so I boiled the appleauce in that instead of using water like I usually do. I added 2 pieces of candied ginger, a pinch of salt, put mulling spice in my spice ball and added 3 cinnamon sticks.

Bring all of this stuff to a boil, then reduce the heat to low and let it simmer awhile (maybe 30-45 mins?), stirring occasionally. When you're done, the apples should smash easily just like when you're boiling potatoes for mashed potatoes. Remove the spice ball with mulling spices and cinnamon when you're done. I sometimes add cinnamon, nutmeg and allspice (usually only when I do pure applesauce), but in this case I did not. I then puree the applesauce with an immersion blender. I was surprised -- even with the tart cranberries, I did not need to add any sugar. My guess is that it's due largely to the sweetness of the pears and cider, but I am not really sure. The candied ginger probably helped a bit too. Whatever I did? Wow, did it work. THIS. SAUCE. IS. SO. FREAKING. GOOD!!!

You can imagine that I have a bunch of apple sauce now (probably about 3-5 quarts?). It freezes well, but once I make applesauce I am generally an applesauce consuming fiend. If the sauce is not gone by the time I leave, I'll freeze it. I have a friend who had surgery this week, so I will probably give some to her too.

My favorite thing to do with applesauce (which, the normal way I make it, is "free" on Weight Watchers since it's just apples and water basically with no sugar) is to mix it with either Greek yogurt or cottage cheese. I use about 2/3 apple sauce and 1/3 yogurt or cottage cheese. It is so important for me to get protein in the morning if I don't want to be hungry by mid morning, so this really does the trick.

I am glad I am starting to feel really confident in the kitchen. People have told me for a long time that I am a good cook. While I am grateful for their compliments, I have never really been able to accept this one. I have been a great recipe researcher and follower, but -- in my estimation -- never really a good cook. Cooks can work with what they have, be creative, and find good flavor pairings on their own. I have never really been good at that. I am starting to be now, though. I am on my way to being a legit cook, and that excites me.

Hard going

The last few weeks have been tough on the food front. I don't know why. Hormones, sick, lots of travel, not having many groceries...they definitely all play into it. But still, I have just not been disciplined about working out or eating, and the scale has reflected that.

I leave again for basically two weeks on Monday (I will be in the office one day, but other than that will be gone). I am very excited about each of the trips for different reasons, but I am not looking forward to not being able to cook for myself or have good control over what I eat or when/whether I exercise.

I am still getting good external feedback about the changes I've made in my life. Today I had someone ask me, "You're totally under 200 lbs now, right?" I said, "Nope. 231 this morning." She couldn't believe it, insisting I'd lost 20-30 lbs since she last asked. I thought to myself, "Ha! If we're talking 20-30 lbs, we're going to have to rewind to November 2009." But still, it is nice to hear and feel like my body is changing.

Not sure what the point of this post is. I will still get sick sometimes (and more if I don't start exercising). I won't always have groceries at home. Sometimes I will be traveling or otherwise not have great control over my food. That is in no way an excuse to eat compulsively, so I need to learn to deal with these challenges. If I am honoring my body, exercising, eating healthy foods in moderation and not eating compulsively, I will be fine if I stay at this weight forever. Given that I am not doing all of these things right now, though, something has to change.

I will pack fruit and string cheese for my trip. I am glad that for one of the trips, my hotel is actually 6 blocks away from where the conference is. I will make a concerted effort to drink a lot of water. I will work out once or twice. And most of all, I will work to be grateful and surrender my food each day. Those two cornerstones of OA really make a huge difference when I am working on them. (Hence the OA mantra "It works if you work it", in reference to working the steps of the program.)

New Normal

This morning I weighed 228.4. It is so funny -- I feel pretty fat because a bit of my stomach has returned (the most noticable place I lost weight last week). It is odd how quickly we can become accustomed to something -- a new weight, a bad habit, etc -- and how hard it can be to change it. Well, I am back from vacation so I'm headed back to the routine of tracking everything and getting rid of this crappy weight I picked up up north. It was worth it though.

You'd be Swimming in That

Yesterday I went on a bike tour around Chicago, and rented a bike in the morning just to ride around. It was great -- so much fun. I totally recommend Bobby's Bike Hike if you're ever in Chicago (coupon code: YELP2011). The funny thing was, this place is owned by a guy from Arkansas! On the tour, I even got a special job: helping to corral people in the back. Reward: I got to wear the snazzy vest pictured to the right for three hours. Anyway, I digress.

They had cool t-shirts for sale that said "I Chicago" (imagine the I <3 NY shirts, subbing a bike picture for the heart, and Chicago for NY). I wanted one, long sleeved so I asked my tour guide George about it at the end of the tour. He told me and I quote, "Yeah sorry, we only have XL. You would totally be swimming in that."

This guy knew nothing about me, or about my past but I was shocked. For someone who used to not fit into men's/unisex 2XL clothes? It was pretty surreal to be told XL was too big for me. Odd, but great. And maybe he is actually right. Wow.

Eating on Vacation and Progress

The first half of this week, I'm in Chicago. So far it has been great -- yesterday I got to see two friends and also got to go up to the top of Sears Willis Tower for the first time. I would estimate that I probably walked about 8 miles yesterday, maybe even more. My calves felt tight by the end of the night, but I could have easily walked a whole lot more and this morning thanks to a bunch of stretching last night I am not even tight anywhere.

Backing up, last week I lost 3.6 lbs, following a week where I lost 5.8 lbs. I am so excited -- not so much just to be losing weight (although, yes I am pumped about that), but to be making forward progress again after feeling so stalled for so long. I am now 225.8, a good 4 lbs. below where I was at my lowest point during grad school.

All this to say: I feel a renewed vigor when it comes to WW and tracking my food. I feel like I'm ready to make another big push toward losing weight. When I started this trip I had big plans to track everything and keep moving forward progress on losing weight. I quickly realized that wasn't going to happen.

I am in Chicago. It's only the third time I've really been here, and it's known for pretty specific cuisine -- pizza, hot dogs, etc -- and I definitely want to enjoy that stuff while I am here. But I am not going to spend time before I go to these famous places googling nutrition facts, figuring out the lowest fat hot dog, etc. I am just going to enjoy this food, and eat it in moderation. When I am no longer hungry, I will stop eating. I will make sure I get vegetables with my meals.

It is funny, just as I used to obsess with food, I now realize that if I am not careful I will obsess over planning food and making wise choices. Don't get me wrong, those are both great things...but I want to use them and tools that I control, not obsessions that control me if that makes sense. I will walk and walk and be active on this trip. Today I am renting a bike and will ride along the lakefront and go on a bike tour of the neighborhoods. I am going to a couple art museums and will be on my feet most of the day. I am sure I will walk a bunch too. I will listen to my body and the scale will work itself out. Even if I gain a couple pounds, I will work it off when I get back home.

I feel like this is a good season in my journey. I am starting to feel some traction again, and am hopeful/optimistic that this isn't a flash in the pan. You all know my philosophy that this will take however long it takes to reach a [yet unknown] goal weight, and that changing my thought patterns and mindsets are just as valuable -- maybe even mores0 -- than losing weight on the scale. However, that progress is not visible to the human eye, and is thus harder to show progress for, so it is nice to be making some tangible, measurable progress again.

Financial Health

So the deeper I go into the abyss of fixing myself from the inside out, the harder and yet more rewarding it gets. Next on the docket: financial health. I made a budget yesterday for the first time.

Let's back up -- when I started this get healthy thing, it was scary and inhibiting to track my food. I felt restricted and confined -- but now I love tracking my food and actually find it freeing. I can totally have pizza, but it means I just have to lighten up at other points in the day or exercise more or something. I doubt if I would have realized that these tradeoffs were possible had I not been so diligent about tracking my food. I am still seeing results I like and am loving the ability to make progress while not feeling totally like I'm in a food straight jacket -- this comes as a result of tracking my food.

Back to the financial health issue -- I make plenty of money. I have paid off my car, I don't use credit cards, and I paid off my student loans. I really don't have any debt, but I don't have much savings aside from retirement either. I give away a pretty big chunk of money, but I feel like I could do even better if I were savvier about the way I allocated my money. I've also recently taken a big pay cut at work -- my income is down 25% temporarily, which is also helping to force the issue of needing a budget.

All this to say: it's time. Time to put on my big girl pants and make a budget, like all responsible adults should. I am hoping that in time, a budget will actually be liberating instead of feeling overly restrictive. I hope that it will free me from the anxiety I feel about money, and that I will actually enjoy tracking my money and seeing it grow, as I now enjoy tracking my food and looking at graphs about what I eat and how I've lost weight. I don't feel that yet, but I am hoping to.

It is interesting how gaining control of one area of your life almost compel you to get control of your others so you're living a prosperous, rewarding life.

I started off wanting to get healthy.

I realized that that went beyond physical health, so I went to a psychologist.

I sought treatment for depression, and realized health also means mental health.

I went to church, and realized spiritual health underlies both physical and mental health.

Now I am wanting to get financially healthy.

I wonder what's next?

Also - an update to the last post - 225.6 this morning. Would love it if I could get the next 1.2 lbs by Sunday. Seems like a long shot, but it could happen! That would be a huge milestone for me -- I would have lost 25% of my body weight, and 75 lbs.

VFT

Dude. 226.4 this morning. Lowest weight ever. Whoa. If I lose 2 more lbs by Sunday, this could mean that I have lost 75 lbs. on weigh in days. Would that not be WILD?!?!

Snippets

• This week I had a student tell me that the other day when I said hi to him, he didn't know who I was at first and then he figured it out. He followed it up by asking me if I'd been working out. Even if he is kissing my butt, I'll take it!
• I love basically everything about my house and living situation -- except the fact that it is not near our town's network of bike trails. That having been said, there are some good cycling options around here, but the big deal is that I rode my bike to church the other day. It's about 7 miles and it took about 40 minutes. I have a couple hills to contend with each direction (the reality of life in the Ozarks, really), I went over the interstate, and I was on roads without bike lanes for about 50% of the ride. I guess this means I'm becoming a real cyclist, not just one who rides on bike paths. Wow. Wouldn't have seen that coming.
• I think I really do have one chin now. I can still make it look like I have two, but most of the time it really looks like one. Quite the upgrade, going from three to one.
• I have been packing my lunch. Largely to save money, but it is a great thing and I find it is so much easier to save my points when I control my lunch by packing it.
• I'm loving soups and have been making about one batch a week and then eating on it all week. This week I made creamy chicken and rice soup -- I sauteed celery, onions, and carrots to add to the soup, I subbed half and half for the cream, and I cut the butter by half -- still delicious, super filling, and 6 PointsPlus per serving. It will get gelatinous and gross looking after refrigerated, but it is still amazing when reheated. Yum.
• I am making a really serious go at Weight Watchers. I usually track things, but I haven't had a week where I measured everything in a really long time. This is the week, since next week I will be out of town in the land of deep dish pizza and delicious hot dogs and will have significantly less control over my food -- plus you know I like to indulge and have treats, not just live life in a food straight jacket...so I am going to partake in the local delicacies!

Still here, still kicking

Things here are going. Going really well, sometimes; really poorly others; just plodding along others still. But they keep going.

I don't really know what to say. I was sick a few days this week, and it was pretty disgusting for a day or two but I lost a bunch of weight. Last Sunday, I was 235. This morning, 227. I think 227 is the lowest I've ever been actually. I bet a bunch of it is the fact that I'm dehydrated and haven't eaten in a couple days save a saltine and banana here or there, but wow I'll take it.

I guess I will say this: I feel pretty healthy, overall. I am realizing some pretty big stuff about myself.

• I am prone to depression, and need to be on medication, at least for now. I was off drugs for a month or two, but am back on again and I feel more like myself again. Better living -- however it comes -- is great; I will take better living through chemistry without a second thought.
• Weight Watchers and Atkins and exercise and liposuction and gastric bypass will help you lose weight, but they will not fix disfunctional thoughts or obsessions about food. Only God will help with that. Being on any sort of structured plan of eating is not sustailable without dealing with the underlying compulsion first and in my opinion if you're a food abuser using any of these tools will fail if you don't change the underlying dysfunctional thoughts about food.
• I am not the same person who started this blog, and as a result I don't use it that much. Many of the obsessions have abated. I process things in real life with friends, not on this blog. I would not say that "food" nor "therapy" are the two most defining things in my life, as they were when I started this blog.
• Bad things pass. It may not feel like it sometimes, but bad things will pass.
• Steady, consistent progress is amazing. I see pictures of myself from a year or 18 months ago. I've lost about 5 lbs, but I think I look totally different. More importantly, my mindset and life circumstances in that year have changed dramatically -- and pretty much all for the better. I am very hopeful in what lies ahead.

So what does this mean? Both in general and for the future of this blog?

The truth is, I don't know. I feel some level of connection and accountability to my readers, many of whom I don't know but some of whom I do. I've shared a very deep window into parts of my soul through the stories and experiences I've shared on my blog. For those of you who are dysordered eaters, you may have seen glimpses of your own story through mine. I definitely derived strength from your comments when you left them. For those of you who are my real-life friends and acquaintances, I hope that this has given you some level of understanding about what life with an eating disorder is like. I don't say that flippantly or for sympathy, but I do know that in my own life it is fascinating and sort of weird to peel back the layers of an onion that I know just a little bit about. I hope that you never deal with food compulsion, but that you do have an appreciation that it is a very real and very difficult thing to deal with because I've come to appreciate just how pervasive food is in culture.

All this to say -- I think I am just going to formalize the more infrequent nature of my posting. I feel a little sad about it, because so many times when bloggers disappear it is because they're gaining weight and ashamed or dealing with some really hard, dark stuff. I am not feeling like that at all. I don't feel like I am on a mountaintop or anything, but I also don't feel like I'm in a deep dark valley either. I just feel the hum of life -- what I imagine it must feel like to be a "normal" person with a "normal" attitude about food and mental health.

I've decided I will not ever say that weight is "gone forever" or that I am in any sense of the word "fixed" -- I think I will always struggle with food and with mental illness, specifically depression. But this time around things do feel ok. I have dealt with some really hard stuff in what has felt like complete isolation. I have fallen off the proverbial wagon many times. I have gone through periods that I've "let myself go" -- but what is different is me. Each and every time I have gone through these things, I get sad, and then I deal with the underlying emotion, and then I get back on track. I give myself permission to get sloppy sometimes with my eating because, for me, that is how real life is. I know food will not fix problems or bring comfort, and will often in fact make feel worse about myself. Instead of pining on and on about life and my problems with life and with food, I am just going to go out and live it. Experience it, for all its beauty and pain and joy and sadness. And I am going to live it and just write about it occasionally here.

Thank you all for the role you have played in my journey to this point -- we will be in touch, although in a more infrequent way. I am finding the way in life, and am glad that food and my struggle with my mental health are not at the forefront of the issues I am facing these days, but rather just one of many things that will have to be managed in my day to day life. That is so very different than how things were when this blog started.

Till we meet again...