Food will not define me forever

Depression

2012-01-17T15:52:00.000-08:00

I think this cartoon does a great job giving a little insight into what depression is. More importantly, I think they it gives insight into what depression ISN'T. (Note, I'm sad that this was written so many months ago. This dude (dudette?) writes a very successful blog that used to publish regularly, came up for air, and has now disappeared into the ether again. Classic model of depression).

Anyway, depression isn't feeling sad all the time. Being depression is just not feeling much of anything. Certainly not happy, but also not really sad. You feel devoid of emotion (possible exception: hopelessness). You feel like shell of a person. And worst of all? You don't really care. Apathy reigns supreme.

It sucks. It is hard to do anything when depressed. When you hear about depressed people not getting out of bed, be assured that that is a very literal thing. Severely depressed people cannot even muster energy to leave bed, let alone shower, get dressed, or go get groceries.* Your advice for people just "snap out of it" is perhaps well-intentioned, but it is just not possible when someone has sunken too deeply in the quicksand that is depression.

So...what can you do when some is depressed? That's a great but freaking hard question. I'd suggest the following:

Have compassion. If possible, empathize but if that's not possible, sympathize. I'm not suggesting that you enable, but be kind and gentle.
Be there. Physically. Be there. Even if they say they don't want you, they probably need you. Be there. Don't let them isolate.
Be rational. Depression somehow sucks you of the ability to reason. Help them to see the big picture.
Realize you're not a mental health or medical professional. Be there for them, but realize you're probably not completely equipped to deal with the problem. Point them to someone who is, and take them there yourself if that's what it takes.
Release them from the shame. Make sure you know that you don't judge them or think any less of them for seeking help. In fact, recognize and praise the strength it takes for them to admit their weakness.

I think depression is one of the most insidious health problems out there, perhaps third to cancer and dementia. Depression is not something that is made up -- it is the result of a chemical imbalance in the brain. Depression is a MEDICAL problem, as evidenced by mounds of scientific evidence. The brain chemistry of someone who is depressed and someone who isn't is completely different. Depression is not a weakness anymore than cancer is a weakness. While of course I advocate prayer, I think that it's pretty irresponsible to not seek medical treatment for depression because you think you can pray your way out of it. Would you not seek medical treatment if you had cancer? Should you not seek treatment if you have high blood pressure? I'm not saying not to work on the underlying causes (e.g., obesity in the case of blood pressure), but I think to just not treat the blood pressure in the meantime is irresponsible. I see failing to treat depression is similar. And -- trust me as someone who is terrible at this so I'm speaking to myself here too -- ignoring won't make it go away. It will make the problem grow. And get worse. And that's not good.

Last topic -- antidepressants. Before I took them, I mistakenly thought they were happy pills. They're totally not. Taking anti-depressants will not solve any problems. They won't necessarily make you feel happy. But -- wow -- they will make you feel again. When I start back up on anti-depressants I am just amazed at the difference that they make. It makes me realize what a funk and fog I had been walking around in prior to taking them. A friend likened taking anti-depressants to emerging from a fog. I think it is the perfect metaphor (ok, it's a simile if we're being technical). Just because fog lifts, it doesn't mean you're in a luscious garden or anything. Quite the opposite -- sometimes you're square in the middle of shit creek! However, with the fog lifted, you can see where you're going. You can make decisions. And you even have the power to act on them. And that is key to getting out of shit creek, really. It's for sure better to know where you're going than to be stuck in the middle, powerless to do anything because you're immobilized.

Again, depression is an ILLNESS not an imaginary thing. And taking medicine for an illness? It's totally legit. And, if it's prescribed right and taken in the care of a medical professional who's watching out for you and monitoring your treatment, it can help you GET BETTER. And that is the goal.

So -- why am I putting this all out there? What if people find this who I know in real life?

Trust me, I have thought about this. I am not embarrassed that I suffer from depression. Do not misunderstand, I'm not proud of it. I wish I didn't. But I do, and that's that.

I have a passion for mental health advocacy. I think that the stigma that surrounds depression and other mental illnesses is crazy. And it has to stop at some point. While I don't advertise the fact that I suffer from mental illness to strangers and I recognize that there are socially inappropriate times to talk about mental illness, I also think that if everyone just keeps this to themselves, mental illness will never be socially accepted or understood. The truth is, the disease can be managed. And to shame people into not seeking treatment because it's not socially acceptable or well-understood? That is a crying shame, and a detriment to society.

If I can be even a small piece in the HUGE puzzle of getting the tide to turn, I am proud to put a face on depression and mental illness. It is real, and it sucks. And you can get treatment for it, manage it, and return to productivity. And it is worth it. It really is.

*Somehow I always managed the groceries part. Compulsive overeater through and through, this one is.

Making Progress and Not Making Progress

2012-01-17T15:26:00.000-08:00

I started back on antidepressants once I realized I was depressed. I am amazed EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I start them how fast they work (in about 2 days I feel markedly different, and for the better), and how much more they make me feel like *me*. It is really great. I think it is so interesting how misunderstood depression is, and anti-depressants are. But that's another post.

The bad news is that I have not been doing well tracking my food. Last week this slippery slope started with an all day trip to Kansas City for work. I had little control over lunch and I had no idea what even was in what I ate -- so I used that as an excuse not to track. It was situation after situation like this last week so I didn't track the whole second part of the week. My roommate's birthday was Sunday and so yesterday was another day of indulgent eating. Today I was back on track. I don't know.

On the one hand I am tired of excuses. JUST DO IT ALREADY! Track all the time, lose the weight, get on with life. It's just food. No excuses!!!! There are plenty of militant bloggers (and just people) out there who take that attitude.

For me, it doesn't work. I lived life as a very all or nothing person for a long time. Black or white. Do or don't. In or out. No middle ground. If I am not careful, I still think like this. For me moderation is a LEARNED skill. I do almost nothing in moderation. This was one of the main things that came up in my various stints of counseling -- breaking free of all or nothing thinking. Because to me it's just not reasonable to never have _____ again. I believe in the concept of trigger foods, and think that everyone is different. But I reject out of hand just never having something forever just because someone else thinks it's bad (e.g., flour). To me it is not sustainable.*

Honestly, I think that starting to break free is part of is what has helped me to be successful at overhauling much of my life. I went almost totally crazy with food for 2 months in November and December. I gained 15 lbs. But you know what? I am back in the saddle. I am not ready to let this fat thing lick me. I think to myself, "Wow, not exercising was a bad decision. Please don't let your core get weak again; the back pain is not worth it." But I also think to myself, "OK, we learn from this. The cookies were good, but probably not *that* good. Can you just gain 5 lbs next year?"

I lived with a subtle but definite sense of self-loathing when I was obese. Yes, I was still selfish and self-serving for sure....but if you get right down to it, I had a very healthy dose of not feeling comfortable with my body and not liking myself. And to me, that is as emotionally unhealthy as I was physically unhealthy -- and my goal here is to be healthy, not skinny (though a healthy weight will put me skinner than what I am today). That includes my emotions, and being emotionally healthy means being kind to myself.

So -- back to the point. I think that this "NO EXCUSES JUST DO IT NOW!!!!!!" talk is well intentioned, but for me not the way to go. The self talk is so NEGATIVE. When I hear "NO EXCUSES DO IT NOW!!!!!" in my head, I can't help but tack on a "YOU STUPID FAT COW!! WHEN WILL YOU EVER GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER MORON?!" on the end of the sentence And honestly? That is just not healthy. And so I won't do that.

I'm not advocating not setting goals for yourself. I'm not advocating not owning when you make a mistake. But I AM advocating being gentle with yourself. Because -- at least for me -- being hard on myself when I did not make [what often were unrealistic or super-perfectionist] goals happen, that would drive me to the food. I am being gentle on myself and forgiving with myself, because then I am sane enough to realize what poison compulsive overeating is to my soul and sometimes even body.

So -- there's where I am. On the one hand I'm not making much progress if you believe the scale. I weigh about the same as I did last week. But on the other hand, I'm making mental progress. And, to me, that is where the REAL battle of compulsive overeating is won. The fat and the food is just a symptom of being sad and feeling broken.

*Note -- but this is for everyone to decide for him/herself and it's between you and your higher power. That having been said, I know that there is no way I could have something like Nutella in my house anytime in the forseeable future. NO. FREAKING. WAY. That thing would be gone so fast.....

Mixed Results

2012-01-10T03:58:00.000-08:00

I've got good and bad news to report.

The good news is that I'm down from that gross 243 number. Last week I lost about 5 lbs, placing me squarely under 240 again. The other good news is that I'd say I'm about 80% past my SI/sciatica issues -- probably the most quickly resolved bout of that I've had. This is probably due to the PT's exercises, knowing how better to stretch on my own, and an army of friends praying for me to get better. Whatever it is, I will take it.

The bad news is that I've realized I'm depressed again. Not getting out much while I was sick over break just really put me into a slump that has been hard to break out of. I've told friends (when I'm depressed, I isolate myself and then that isolation is the bottom of a deep spiral downwards), so I am hoping that helps me break out of this rut. Sunday I went to church and ran home, eating and watching TV under a blanket all day until I went to bed at 8 PM. Definitely a down day.

But, things are getting better. I think that is a post all its own though.

Deja Vu

2012-01-05T04:59:00.000-08:00

So if I had to pick a word to describe this break, it would be "sucked". I had the worst bout of sciatica I've had in a long time. I barely left my house because it hurt so much to move.

Well, general holiday-ness + frustration from pain and immobility + immobility due to sciatica and pain = weight gain. To be exact, I was up to 243 Tuesday when I finally braved the scale.

Part of that is from traveling and stress in November. Lots of it is from the holiday food that seems to be pervasive. And what's sadder is that the weight gain doesn't tell the whole story. Working out very little or not at all over those months led my body composition to change rather significantly, exchanging muscle for fat.

So here I am in a place I've been before -- heavier, squishier, and with limited ability to work out due to the sciatica. And despite my having been here before, it somehow seems very different. I am not freaking out. I started seriously tracking things two days ago and I have stayed the course (and let me tell you there are times -- usually in the evenings when I am home by myself -- that it takes almost everything I have not to gorge myself). I will get this weight off and push myself even further. I will honor my body and work through the sciatica issue (which is already markedly better. Last night was my first night without Vicodin and muscle relaxers and though my sleep was terrible, I did make it through).

I just wanted to do a brief check in and be honest about this weight gain because goodness knows I'd get on here and trumpet my success if I had lost 15 lbs rather than gained it! Wishing everyone a happy and healthy new year.

Consistency

2011-12-14T11:08:00.000-08:00

This week I've been back on the straight and (relatively) narrow. Tracking my food, going to the gym -- all of the habits that help me to be successful and that I get mad at myself when I quit, but that I manage to stray from relatively often. This is resulting in some losses on the scale, though I'm not where I want to be, or anywhere close (236.2 this morning vs in the high 220s for most of the fall).

It is funny -- when I am gaining weight, I am always surprised at how slowly it happens on the way up. Yeah, there's always that shocking "Holy crap, I gained 3 lbs" the day that follows a binge or a cocktail party, but most of the weight typically is water weight and most (though not all) of it usually goes away in a day or two. Let's face it, I have been feeding my body total crap for a month and a half now, and I have gained "just" 10 lbs.

It makes me think, "OMG, how MUCH and how CONSISTENTLY did I abuse my body to weigh 300 lbs?!?"

The flip side is even more infuriating. It took me a long time and a noble effort to gain weight up until the point where I was 300 lbs. How do I seriously expect to undo a month's worth of couch surfing and food abusing in like 2 days? The weight will take time and consistent effort to lose, just like it did to gain.

Patience, grasshopper.

23 1/2 hours

2011-12-13T12:58:00.000-08:00

I think that this video is awesome. It was personally convicting, especially as I try to get back into a routine of going to the gym.

It's been a month

2011-12-12T14:10:00.000-08:00

SO. Yeah. It's been a month.

Things here have been a lot of hard going. Not really sure why, but what's a blog good for if not a little introspection and conjecture?

The long and the short of it is that I'm up about 10 lbs. It feels like so much more.

So....yeah.

In early November, I was traveling for about 2 weeks. Living out of a suitcase and eating from restaurants everyday used to hold some appeal to me when I was in college and I wanted to be a consultant, but I can now say there is no bed like my own and no food like the kind I can make. That's not to say I don't love travel and adventure and restaurants -- I do -- but there's just something to be said for being able to make and eat your own food. Doing without all of that and having less control than I'd like over what I ate was not that great.

Also, I'm not going to lie, I was pretty lazy when traveling. The good news is that staying on college campuses and in cities several blocks from where my conference was being held led me to do a lot of walking. But as to a formal workout? Yeah, that didn't happen. Not even once in two weeks.

Another critical factor is the emotional battle that is a professional conference. I used to REALLY look forward to these conferences, as they were one of a handful of social outlets that I had when I did not yet have friends in Arkansas. Now that I have friends here? The stress of feeling judged all the time and regretting my early years with little productivity outweigh the nice-ness of seeing my friends at these conferences. That's not to say I don't love to see my friends; I do -- but I find the pre-tenure constant judgement pretty grating. And I'm not pleased to admit that I drowned my sorrows in food a few times. Yep, compulsive eating still leaves you feeling belittled and like a failure and gross. Don't do it.

So when I got back to Arkansas, it was SO hard to get back in a routine! After I got back from traveling, it was Thanksgiving. I did not really hold anything back for that. And I cannot even tell you the last time I went to the gym more than once during a week. Sigh.

So, here I am, 10 lbs heavier, and I feel squishier than I have in a long time (muscle loss from not working out??). It's pretty gross. I am not eating enough fruits and veggies, nor am I drinking enough water.

I want to turn this ship around. Today, I packed my lunch. I said no to leftovers from a work party that would have been delicious but pretty unhealthy in favor of what I'd brought. My goal was to drink 96 oz of water today; so far I've had about 70 oz. Tonight, I am meeting a friend at the gym for an hour long (!!) spin class. And I am going public in saying that I will go to the gym tomorrow too.

So? I feel so grateful that I know that I've been here before, having undone progress but then re-doing it and ending up pushing forward. I feel glad that I am changing my all or nothing thinking. (e.g., I'm not giving up completely after this and saying, "Well I guess I'll always be fat"). That's not to say that my feelings about my current weight loss situation isn't mixed with a fair amount of regret or just feeling gross, but I am glad that I see past this and won't quit.

Tired of Traveling

2011-11-15T07:56:00.001-08:00

I've been home just 30 hours since last Monday. I'm heading home Thursday morning. All of the things I've done have been really great -- making connections, learning things, seeing and catching up with friends. Also, I have to admit it's been pretty great in a hotel room with cable so I can catch up on crappy TV when I'm here -- but overall I am basically over traveling.

The food is getting harder. I know I have gained a decent chunk of weight. I have not been making great choices, and I am just ready to be home and cook.

Seasonal Affective Disorder

2011-11-08T16:08:00.000-08:00

It is killing me. I need sun. This is so freaking depressing. Has anyone used a light box before? Thoughts? Recommendations?

Best applesauce ever and cooking

2011-11-03T17:10:00.001-07:00

I have made great strides in my cooking in the last couple years. For me, the ability to make myself food that is delicious and that I know I control the ingredients to is key. I love trying and experimenting with new recipes. Love that a lot. But I'm now trying to enter a new phase: cooking without a cookbook.

As I've gotten more confident in the kitchen, I have taken more liberties with recipes and substitutions and additions. I love to add roasted garlic to stuff. I almost always substitute half and half for cream in soups and in ice creams. I'd like to get to the place, though, where I can just look at what I have, dream something up, make it, and then have it taste fabulous.

I made a big stride today, and had a really delicious result.

First of all, I went grocery shopping the other day. It was so nice to have groceries again. As I usually do, I bought a bunch of fruit. Delicious? Totally. Great idea? Maybe not since I'm leaving for two weeks Monday. I decided to make "apple" sauce -- and by applesauce, I mean the hot dogs of the applesauce world, where I tossed in a little of everything to help whittle down my produce stash.

I used pears (4-5), apples (12-15), raspberries (about 2/3 of a big package), cranberries (about 1/2 lb), juice and zest of one orange. I do not peel the apples or pears (even though many recipes say you should) because I like the fiber they add. I also had leftover cider, so I boiled the appleauce in that instead of using water like I usually do. I added 2 pieces of candied ginger, a pinch of salt, put mulling spice in my spice ball and added 3 cinnamon sticks.

Bring all of this stuff to a boil, then reduce the heat to low and let it simmer awhile (maybe 30-45 mins?), stirring occasionally. When you're done, the apples should smash easily just like when you're boiling potatoes for mashed potatoes. Remove the spice ball with mulling spices and cinnamon when you're done. I sometimes add cinnamon, nutmeg and allspice (usually only when I do pure applesauce), but in this case I did not. I then puree the applesauce with an immersion blender. I was surprised -- even with the tart cranberries, I did not need to add any sugar. My guess is that it's due largely to the sweetness of the pears and cider, but I am not really sure. The candied ginger probably helped a bit too. Whatever I did? Wow, did it work. THIS. SAUCE. IS. SO. FREAKING. GOOD!!!

You can imagine that I have a bunch of apple sauce now (probably about 3-5 quarts?). It freezes well, but once I make applesauce I am generally an applesauce consuming fiend. If the sauce is not gone by the time I leave, I'll freeze it. I have a friend who had surgery this week, so I will probably give some to her too.

My favorite thing to do with applesauce (which, the normal way I make it, is "free" on Weight Watchers since it's just apples and water basically with no sugar) is to mix it with either Greek yogurt or cottage cheese. I use about 2/3 apple sauce and 1/3 yogurt or cottage cheese. It is so important for me to get protein in the morning if I don't want to be hungry by mid morning, so this really does the trick.

I am glad I am starting to feel really confident in the kitchen. People have told me for a long time that I am a good cook. While I am grateful for their compliments, I have never really been able to accept this one. I have been a great recipe researcher and follower, but -- in my estimation -- never really a good cook. Cooks can work with what they have, be creative, and find good flavor pairings on their own. I have never really been good at that. I am starting to be now, though. I am on my way to being a legit cook, and that excites me.

Hard going

2011-11-03T17:00:00.001-07:00

The last few weeks have been tough on the food front. I don't know why. Hormones, sick, lots of travel, not having many groceries...they definitely all play into it. But still, I have just not been disciplined about working out or eating, and the scale has reflected that.

I leave again for basically two weeks on Monday (I will be in the office one day, but other than that will be gone). I am very excited about each of the trips for different reasons, but I am not looking forward to not being able to cook for myself or have good control over what I eat or when/whether I exercise.

I am still getting good external feedback about the changes I've made in my life. Today I had someone ask me, "You're totally under 200 lbs now, right?" I said, "Nope. 231 this morning." She couldn't believe it, insisting I'd lost 20-30 lbs since she last asked. I thought to myself, "Ha! If we're talking 20-30 lbs, we're going to have to rewind to November 2009." But still, it is nice to hear and feel like my body is changing.

Not sure what the point of this post is. I will still get sick sometimes (and more if I don't start exercising). I won't always have groceries at home. Sometimes I will be traveling or otherwise not have great control over my food. That is in no way an excuse to eat compulsively, so I need to learn to deal with these challenges. If I am honoring my body, exercising, eating healthy foods in moderation and not eating compulsively, I will be fine if I stay at this weight forever. Given that I am not doing all of these things right now, though, something has to change.

I will pack fruit and string cheese for my trip. I am glad that for one of the trips, my hotel is actually 6 blocks away from where the conference is. I will make a concerted effort to drink a lot of water. I will work out once or twice. And most of all, I will work to be grateful and surrender my food each day. Those two cornerstones of OA really make a huge difference when I am working on them. (Hence the OA mantra "It works if you work it", in reference to working the steps of the program.)

New Normal

2011-10-24T03:59:00.000-07:00

This morning I weighed 228.4. It is so funny -- I feel pretty fat because a bit of my stomach has returned (the most noticable place I lost weight last week). It is odd how quickly we can become accustomed to something -- a new weight, a bad habit, etc -- and how hard it can be to change it. Well, I am back from vacation so I'm headed back to the routine of tracking everything and getting rid of this crappy weight I picked up up north. It was worth it though.

You'd be Swimming in That

2011-10-19T05:13:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went on a bike tour around Chicago, and rented a bike in the morning just to ride around. It was great -- so much fun. I totally recommend Bobby's Bike Hike if you're ever in Chicago (coupon code: YELP2011). The funny thing was, this place is owned by a guy from Arkansas! On the tour, I even got a special job: helping to corral people in the back. Reward: I got to wear the snazzy vest pictured to the right for three hours. Anyway, I digress.

They had cool t-shirts for sale that said "I Chicago" (imagine the I <3 NY shirts, subbing a bike picture for the heart, and Chicago for NY). I wanted one, long sleeved so I asked my tour guide George about it at the end of the tour. He told me and I quote, "Yeah sorry, we only have XL. You would totally be swimming in that."

This guy knew nothing about me, or about my past but I was shocked. For someone who used to not fit into men's/unisex 2XL clothes? It was pretty surreal to be told XL was too big for me. Odd, but great. And maybe he is actually right. Wow.

Eating on Vacation and Progress

2011-10-18T04:40:00.001-07:00

The first half of this week, I'm in Chicago. So far it has been great -- yesterday I got to see two friends and also got to go up to the top of ~~Sears~~ Willis Tower for the first time. I would estimate that I probably walked about 8 miles yesterday, maybe even more. My calves felt tight by the end of the night, but I could have easily walked a whole lot more and this morning thanks to a bunch of stretching last night I am not even tight anywhere.

Backing up, last week I lost 3.6 lbs, following a week where I lost 5.8 lbs. I am so excited -- not so much just to be losing weight (although, yes I am pumped about that), but to be making forward progress again after feeling so stalled for so long. I am now 225.8, a good 4 lbs. below where I was at my lowest point during grad school.

All this to say: I feel a renewed vigor when it comes to WW and tracking my food. I feel like I'm ready to make another big push toward losing weight. When I started this trip I had big plans to track everything and keep moving forward progress on losing weight. I quickly realized that wasn't going to happen.

I am in Chicago. It's only the third time I've really been here, and it's known for pretty specific cuisine -- pizza, hot dogs, etc -- and I definitely want to enjoy that stuff while I am here. But I am not going to spend time before I go to these famous places googling nutrition facts, figuring out the lowest fat hot dog, etc. I am just going to enjoy this food, and eat it in moderation. When I am no longer hungry, I will stop eating. I will make sure I get vegetables with my meals.

It is funny, just as I used to obsess with food, I now realize that if I am not careful I will obsess over planning food and making wise choices. Don't get me wrong, those are both great things...but I want to use them and tools that I control, not obsessions that control me if that makes sense. I will walk and walk and be active on this trip. Today I am renting a bike and will ride along the lakefront and go on a bike tour of the neighborhoods. I am going to a couple art museums and will be on my feet most of the day. I am sure I will walk a bunch too. I will listen to my body and the scale will work itself out. Even if I gain a couple pounds, I will work it off when I get back home.

I feel like this is a good season in my journey. I am starting to feel some traction again, and am hopeful/optimistic that this isn't a flash in the pan. You all know my philosophy that this will take however long it takes to reach a [yet unknown] goal weight, and that changing my thought patterns and mindsets are just as valuable -- maybe even mores0 -- than losing weight on the scale. However, that progress is not visible to the human eye, and is thus harder to show progress for, so it is nice to be making some tangible, measurable progress again.

Financial Health

2011-10-14T07:27:00.000-07:00

So the deeper I go into the abyss of fixing myself from the inside out, the harder and yet more rewarding it gets. Next on the docket: financial health. I made a budget yesterday for the first time.

Let's back up -- when I started this get healthy thing, it was scary and inhibiting to track my food. I felt restricted and confined -- but now I love tracking my food and actually find it freeing. I can totally have pizza, but it means I just have to lighten up at other points in the day or exercise more or something. I doubt if I would have realized that these tradeoffs were possible had I not been so diligent about tracking my food. I am still seeing results I like and am loving the ability to make progress while not feeling totally like I'm in a food straight jacket -- this comes as a result of tracking my food.

Back to the financial health issue -- I make plenty of money. I have paid off my car, I don't use credit cards, and I paid off my student loans. I really don't have any debt, but I don't have much savings aside from retirement either. I give away a pretty big chunk of money, but I feel like I could do even better if I were savvier about the way I allocated my money. I've also recently taken a big pay cut at work -- my income is down 25% temporarily, which is also helping to force the issue of needing a budget.

All this to say: it's time. Time to put on my big girl pants and make a budget, like all responsible adults should. I am hoping that in time, a budget will actually be liberating instead of feeling overly restrictive. I hope that it will free me from the anxiety I feel about money, and that I will actually enjoy tracking my money and seeing it grow, as I now enjoy tracking my food and looking at graphs about what I eat and how I've lost weight. I don't feel that yet, but I am hoping to.

It is interesting how gaining control of one area of your life almost compel you to get control of your others so you're living a prosperous, rewarding life.

I started off wanting to get healthy.

I realized that that went beyond physical health, so I went to a psychologist.

I sought treatment for depression, and realized health also means mental health.

I went to church, and realized spiritual health underlies both physical and mental health.

Now I am wanting to get financially healthy.

I wonder what's next?

Also - an update to the last post - 225.6 this morning. Would love it if I could get the next 1.2 lbs by Sunday. Seems like a long shot, but it could happen! That would be a huge milestone for me -- I would have lost 25% of my body weight, and 75 lbs.

VFT

2011-10-12T04:45:00.000-07:00

Dude. 226.4 this morning. Lowest weight ever. Whoa. If I lose 2 more lbs by Sunday, this could mean that I have lost 75 lbs. on weigh in days. Would that not be WILD?!?!

Snippets

2011-10-12T04:15:00.000-07:00

This week I had a student tell me that the other day when I said hi to him, he didn't know who I was at first and then he figured it out. He followed it up by asking me if I'd been working out. Even if he is kissing my butt, I'll take it!
I love basically everything about my house and living situation -- except the fact that it is not near our town's network of bike trails. That having been said, there are some good cycling options around here, but the big deal is that I rode my bike to church the other day. It's about 7 miles and it took about 40 minutes. I have a couple hills to contend with each direction (the reality of life in the Ozarks, really), I went over the interstate, and I was on roads without bike lanes for about 50% of the ride. I guess this means I'm becoming a real cyclist, not just one who rides on bike paths. Wow. Wouldn't have seen that coming.
I think I really do have one chin now. I can still make it look like I have two, but most of the time it really looks like one. Quite the upgrade, going from three to one.
I have been packing my lunch. Largely to save money, but it is a great thing and I find it is so much easier to save my points when I control my lunch by packing it.
I'm loving soups and have been making about one batch a week and then eating on it all week. This week I made creamy chicken and rice soup -- I sauteed celery, onions, and carrots to add to the soup, I subbed half and half for the cream, and I cut the butter by half -- still delicious, super filling, and 6 PointsPlus per serving. It will get gelatinous and gross looking after refrigerated, but it is still amazing when reheated. Yum.
I am making a really serious go at Weight Watchers. I usually track things, but I haven't had a week where I measured everything in a really long time. This is the week, since next week I will be out of town in the land of deep dish pizza and delicious hot dogs and will have significantly less control over my food -- plus you know I like to indulge and have treats, not just live life in a food straight jacket...so I am going to partake in the local delicacies!

Still here, still kicking

2011-10-06T10:22:00.000-07:00

Things here are going. Going really well, sometimes; really poorly others; just plodding along others still. But they keep going.

I don't really know what to say. I was sick a few days this week, and it was pretty disgusting for a day or two but I lost a bunch of weight. Last Sunday, I was 235. This morning, 227. I think 227 is the lowest I've ever been actually. I bet a bunch of it is the fact that I'm dehydrated and haven't eaten in a couple days save a saltine and banana here or there, but wow I'll take it.

I guess I will say this: I feel pretty healthy, overall. I am realizing some pretty big stuff about myself.

I am prone to depression, and need to be on medication, at least for now. I was off drugs for a month or two, but am back on again and I feel more like myself again. Better living -- however it comes -- is great; I will take better living through chemistry without a second thought.
Weight Watchers and Atkins and exercise and liposuction and gastric bypass will help you lose weight, but they will not fix disfunctional thoughts or obsessions about food. Only God will help with that. Being on any sort of structured plan of eating is not sustailable without dealing with the underlying compulsion first and in my opinion if you're a food abuser using any of these tools will fail if you don't change the underlying dysfunctional thoughts about food.
I am not the same person who started this blog, and as a result I don't use it that much. Many of the obsessions have abated. I process things in real life with friends, not on this blog. I would not say that "food" nor "therapy" are the two most defining things in my life, as they were when I started this blog.
Bad things pass. It may not feel like it sometimes, but bad things will pass.
Steady, consistent progress is amazing. I see pictures of myself from a year or 18 months ago. I've lost about 5 lbs, but I think I look totally different. More importantly, my mindset and life circumstances in that year have changed dramatically -- and pretty much all for the better. I am very hopeful in what lies ahead.

So what does this mean? Both in general and for the future of this blog?

The truth is, I don't know. I feel some level of connection and accountability to my readers, many of whom I don't know but some of whom I do. I've shared a very deep window into parts of my soul through the stories and experiences I've shared on my blog. For those of you who are dysordered eaters, you may have seen glimpses of your own story through mine. I definitely derived strength from your comments when you left them. For those of you who are my real-life friends and acquaintances, I hope that this has given you some level of understanding about what life with an eating disorder is like. I don't say that flippantly or for sympathy, but I do know that in my own life it is fascinating and sort of weird to peel back the layers of an onion that I know just a little bit about. I hope that you never deal with food compulsion, but that you do have an appreciation that it is a very real and very difficult thing to deal with because I've come to appreciate just how pervasive food is in culture.

All this to say -- I think I am just going to formalize the more infrequent nature of my posting. I feel a little sad about it, because so many times when bloggers disappear it is because they're gaining weight and ashamed or dealing with some really hard, dark stuff. I am not feeling like that at all. I don't feel like I am on a mountaintop or anything, but I also don't feel like I'm in a deep dark valley either. I just feel the hum of life -- what I imagine it must feel like to be a "normal" person with a "normal" attitude about food and mental health.

I've decided I will not ever say that weight is "gone forever" or that I am in any sense of the word "fixed" -- I think I will always struggle with food and with mental illness, specifically depression. But this time around things do feel ok. I have dealt with some really hard stuff in what has felt like complete isolation. I have fallen off the proverbial wagon many times. I have gone through periods that I've "let myself go" -- but what is different is me. Each and every time I have gone through these things, I get sad, and then I deal with the underlying emotion, and then I get back on track. I give myself permission to get sloppy sometimes with my eating because, for me, that is how real life is. I know food will not fix problems or bring comfort, and will often in fact make feel worse about myself. Instead of pining on and on about life and my problems with life and with food, I am just going to go out and live it. Experience it, for all its beauty and pain and joy and sadness. And I am going to live it and just write about it occasionally here.

Thank you all for the role you have played in my journey to this point -- we will be in touch, although in a more infrequent way. I am finding the way in life, and am glad that food and my struggle with my mental health are not at the forefront of the issues I am facing these days, but rather just one of many things that will have to be managed in my day to day life. That is so very different than how things were when this blog started.

Till we meet again...

Weird

2011-09-16T11:07:00.000-07:00

The other day I was walking across campus to get some Papa Johns. Pizza is probably my favorite food, and that's probably because it has cheese on it. Wow, derailed and off topic on the second sentence of the post already!

Anyway...in front of the little food court where Papa John's is, there are often tables of students trying to get people to sign petitions, passing out flyers, and so on. The day I went to get pizza, they were passing out free bags of chips to welcome people back to school or something. Free Doritos! Doritos are my favorite!!! (again, the cheese)

"Do you want a bag of chips?" some student asked.

"No thanks," I responded.

OK, that's normal right? Someone living healthy passing on a bag of Doritos? BFD.

Actually for me it's a huge deal and here's why. In the past I likely would have said no so that's not what is new. What's new is that the answer "No" was reflexive -- I didn't have to stop and think "Do I really want this?" What's new is that the answer didn't cause me to white knuckle it past the group of students and take a different route back to my office after lunch so I could avoid having to face that temptation again. What's new is that there was basically no anxiety about forgoing the food. Thats what's new and that's what's awesome.

I have nothing against chips. In fact, I had Doritos the morning of this situation. But I know I can have them when I want them and there's no need to scarf them down like I'll never have the chance to eat them again any opportunity I get, and it's probably better to have almonds sitting in my office for when I get hungry rather than having Doritos around. THAT is what is new, and that is what is so freaking exciting to feel -- that food just really isn't a big deal, even if they're foods that I like a whole lot like Doritos.

I am changing, and it is weird but so gratifying. And so worth it.

New Pictures

2011-09-14T09:28:00.000-07:00

I really don't have that many pictures from my biggest days. Like many, I ran and hid or looked for any sort of excuse to not be in pictures at the first hint of a camera ("No, let me take the picture!"). I do have a couple though, and maybe there are some more out there besides the ones I have -- but seriously, I really tried to avoid cameras back in the day. And I think to a large degree, I was successful.

I no longer do this, and now I even have a ridiculous number of pictures I've taken of myself either with the long-arm self photo technique, or of me in the mirror from my phone. Anyway, as I uploaded the latest set of pictures from my camera on to my computer, I was surprised at how skinny my face looks. I wanted to dig up a comparison photo and found this one from a trip to NYC in 2008. I bought those pants in the photo on the left prior to my trip because none of my others fit; they were all too tight. The olive green pants were a size 24, and eventually got too tight. Three years and 70 lbs later, I now wear size 16W or 18.

BTW, the picture on the right is of my roommate Katie and I at the Razorbacks game last weekend. Our seats were high up, but it makes for a very scenic picture. Plus, if I had to choose, I'd rather have close seats for the theatre and far seats for the football games -- so I am doing pretty well in life :)

Food pantries

2011-09-08T14:51:00.000-07:00

This post was prompted by the Weight Watchers Lose for Good campaign. I love and am very grateful for Weight Watchers. It has changed my life, and I am really grateful for everything the program has taught me. Through Weight Watchers, I've lost 70 lbs.

The biggest thing I love about Weight Watchers is that I can eat real food, and that I can eat whatever I want. I cannot eat as much as I want of whatever I want, but Weight Watchers has taught me how I can "budget" for the foods I want and enjoy them in moderation. As someone who has never really done much of anything in moderation, this is a great skill for me to learn.

I read on a fellow Weight Watcher's blog about the Lose for Good campaign, where they ask you to donate something (a food item, a pound of food, etc) for every pound you've lost to a food pantry. I love this idea. I lately have felt very prompted to give more of my money away, and heard just last week about how many of our local food pantries are running very low on food. This is not a coincidence; I believe that this is a direct sign that I need to give food to these food pantries. I felt great about all of this.... (except for the food pantries being short; that part made me sad)

...then I thought to myself, "What should I give these food pantries?" I think canned food is gross and I really don't eat that much from bags or boxes or cans as I think they're mostly unhealthy (although convenient). I prefer fresh vegetables, milk, fruit, and obviously my favorite -- cheese! But I don't know how I can donate these, as they are harder to store and distribute than shelf-stable items. Also, I don't know how to effectively strike the balance between being like the fuddy-duddy who gave bags of carrots away for Halloween and the person who gives candy to kids in third world nations where they can't easily brush their teeth. I mean, what is the right answer? Donate some Ramen noodles and PopTarts? Or donate some bagged lentils -- surely those would not really be a huge hit, although they're healthy (and a personal favorite of mine).

I welcome your thoughts. Weight Watchers has changed for my life and I'd love to participate in their noble efforts to pay it forward via food drive donations...but paying it forward with unhealthy, sodium laden processed foods that played a major role in my own weight struggles just seems wrong. I don't know. Thoughts? Suggestions?

Another quick update

2011-09-01T08:43:00.000-07:00

My back is hurting the longest it has in awhile -- despite my doing yoga twice last weekend and making it to the pool twice this week, my back is like "you're not serious, right?!". It's making it hard to concentrate and do any sort of work.

The good news is that the food is back to normal. I haven't been to an OA meeting since Sunday (I really need to go soon), but for some reason it's not been a huge struggle this week. I am grateful and I will take it.

I am grateful for the upcoming weekend. I really need the rest; I feel run ragged. This pace of life is not sustainable for me.

Bla bla bla - RBOC edition

2011-08-29T09:47:00.000-07:00

RBOC = random bullets of crap, for those not in the know.

My eating last week was total crap. Not sure why, which makes it all the more disturbing.
Gained 3.4 lbs last week. See bullet #1.
Even with a gain, I'm still in the low 230s which is crazy (in a good way).
I was starving all week long last week. Not sure what that was about, and when I did eat, the choices I made weren't that wise (e.g., having Doritos instead of an apple).
I am really enjoying roommate living. Not only no regrets, but actually no complaints. I love it. Helps with loneliness for sure.
My back has been killing me for about a week now. Not sure why, but I really do not like it. At least it's prompted me to start yoga and swimming again.
I have been cooking a good amount at home and starting to eat out less, which is great. Needs to continue.
I bought a bunch of fruit and veggies on Saturday. It is so much easier to eat healthily when there are fast, easy, healthy go-to options.
They offered donuts for free at church to people who parked in the far away parking lot. Surprisingly, it was not a temptation at all and it was very easy to say no.
Life is starting to settle into some sense of a rhythm. Not all the way there, but starting which is very helpful.
The no cable thing is surprisingly easy, and I still feel super-busy and overwhelmed.
I feel somewhat prompted to get an OA sponsor and to start really working the steps. However, given my read on how obsessive many of them are, this is hard and I am very hesitant.
I cut my hair short. It was on a total whim. If I'm being honest, part of me wondered what it weighed. The funny thing is, I didn't even weigh the day before the haircut so I have no idea. STUPID! (Though I like the haircut just fine).

Overall, life is good and I am really busy and feeling it. I am focusing on reining in the eating and figuring out why my eating went to crap last week.

Hoarders and the QuickFix

2011-08-18T15:02:00.000-07:00

Last night my roommate and I got Netflix. I feel like I am the last person in the world to have Netflix, but since we are not getting cable, we decided to get Netflix. I love it so far.

I have talked about how I moved recently. I don't think I talked about it here, but I'd estimate that I got rid of about 60% of my stuff during the move. During the first three years I was in Arkansas, I got extremely depressed as long-time blog readers know. I dealt with the stress in two ways. The first is discussed here -- eating. The second was by spending money and buying stuff. I accumulated a lot of things, and material objects are no better at curing loneliness and depression than food is. There are other layers to why I accumulated stuff, but I won't discuss them here. Over the course of the move, I got rid of stuff and casually said I was a hoarder.

Now, this is a little true, but I guess it's like the people who need to lose 5-10 lbs. talking about how fat they are. I mean, could they tone up a little? Sure -- but overall, I think that many of us who are or have been morbidly obese tend to discount their stories and say that they're not really fat and that they don't understand, etc. I think that my saying I was a hoarder would make a real hoarder roll their eyes and/or piss them off like very marginally overweight do to me. I see that now after watching an episode of hoarders.

What struck me about this show is how many parallels there are between hoarding and compulsive overeating. Both are unhealthy, compulsive behaviors. Both are not problems that develop overnight: you can't fill your house with garbage in a single day, nor can you gain 50+ lbs. in a single day. Both are exacerbated by painful emotions -- compulsive overeaters often binge to stave off sadness or pain, and hoarders' behavior often intensifies after the loss of a loved one. Both cause you a definite sense of shame and a sharp decrease in the quality of life. Neither are well understood by the world at large.

Bottom line: I could see a lot of myself in the hoarders, even though I now realize I'm not a compulsive hoarder. It was hard to watch, honestly.

Most of all, I felt that the show Hoarders was doing them a huge disservice. For those who have not seen the show, they send in a crew to remove trash (obvious product placement for 1-800-GOT-JUNK), a psychologist, and a professional organizer. I have no idea how long the process takes, but definitely on the order of days, not weeks or months. They show before and after pictures and then the show ends. The stories and lives of two hoarders are showcased in 44 minutes in a nice package with a bow.

As someone who identified very strongly with many aspects of these hoarders lives, I was so appalled! To me, cleaning the hoarders' homes and leaving them is like giving someone who is morbidly obese liposuction and skin removal surgery, showing pictures, and then saying "The end". Will that really work in the long term?! How many of us would not regain the weight?

I guess I can only speak for myself, but I thought before I ever had lost a single pound of weight that if I could snap my fingers and lose the weight that my life would be magical. I don't think that anymore. I am so grateful for the year I spent not losing weight, but stalled out. It forced me to wrestle with some very real emotions and to make some not easy choices. I am grateful for the journey of fitness I've taken. I wish I didn't have back problems, but in the end I'm even grateful for the lessons of learned as a result of having them. To me the process of losing this weight and figuring out what causes me to eat in the first place is as valuable and maybe even more valuable than losing the weight itself. Had I had a quick fix, I would not have reaped the benefits that have resulted from fixing my super-dysfunctional relationship with food and finding other ways to deal with difficult emotions. I also would have given myself only a 5% chance to actually keep the weight off, since I had not learned the skills and behaviors that would help me to maintain my weight.

Not only that, but I think I would have damaged my self worth even more than it already was if I had lost weight via a quick fix and then failed to keep it off. I think that A&E is doing the hoarders a disservice by offering them a quick fix and limited aftercare. And I refuse to feed into it by watching that show ever again. It makes me sad for the hoarders, because I see so much of myself in them -- and even though I am by no means perfect at this healthy living thing and do not always feel this way as it is happening, I am grateful for every single setback on this journey because they have all caused me to learn a whole lot about myself and to improve myself in so many ways beyond just losing the weight.

Back down

2011-08-16T05:03:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned, when I was moving I didn't track my food or anything and I got out of the habit of attending OA meetings. I need to re-integrate OA into the schedule, but with everything going on it just has not happened -- but I've been solidly on WW for a little over a week. I lost about 3 lbs last week. Anyhow, because I was eating out a lot (when all the dishes were packed and life was just insanely busy etc) and because I was not tracking my food, I got back up to around 235 over the course of the move/birthday/finally this proposal is done stuff. On the one hand this is good because this is were I was stuck for a year, and during that period when I gained weight it was usually up to about 240 so that's a net loss of 5 lbs. However, any regression is regression and who likes moving backwards?! It's tough to celebrate a gain when, well, it's a gain.

Anyway, the point of this point -- as of this morning I'm back down to 228.8. So nice to be solidly back in the 220s again.

One of the unexpended surprises (all good BTW) of moving in with a roommate is that it is easier to eat more normally since she is around. I had gotten into the pretty bad habit of eating an entire watermelon for dinner once or twice a week when I lived alone. Now, yes, it's "free" on WW, but that is abusing their free fruit policy -- it is not at all the way they intended for that rule to be used. I do not do that anymore because 1) it is just wrong, 2) others know it is wrong, so it would appear (for good reason) to be gluttonous to others so I don't want to look weird around others, 3) there is more to do/I feel way less lonely. So, the roommate decision is good all around.

I intended this to be a one sentence post just reporting the good news that I'm back in the 220s. I guess I had a little more to say than I realized :) The good news is, well, it's all good news!

Lots and lots of stuff going on!

2011-08-12T07:55:00.001-07:00

I moved into my new house this past weekend with the help of 14 great friends and a 1.25 month old baby. I have to absolutely brag about my friends and how grateful I am for them -- you have to be a great friend to get up at 8 AM to avoid the 105F projected high, and to work in 90F, humid weather to move me out of my second floor apartment. I felt so loved. It sounds cheesy to say that, but seriously I thought in the middle of this "Wow, they are willing to give this huge chunk of their Saturdays for me? And get up so early on Saturday?! And help even though this historically hot weather smothers you the moment you walk outside?!" I was (and am) incredibly grateful for their help, and the spirit behind their help. Beyond the friends who helped with the move itself, there was a friend who stopped by to bring us cold drinks. There was another who watched someone's little daughter because she was pregnant and didn't feel comfortable doing all the lifting, and this freed up two more friends to be able to help. It was a real team effort and I was unspeakably grateful for and humbled by everyone's help. For someone who had a very long and hard season of isolation and crushing loneliness in Arkansas, it was incredible to realize how vast and rich my pool of friends here is now. Again, gratitude is the word that comes to mind -- not only for their help in moving, but for their friendship and for having them in my lives. I am so so blessed and grateful for each of them.

Along these lines, I had a birthday almost two weeks ago now. I think it was the best birthday I've had in probably 10 years. I loved it. My license expired this year so I had to get a new one. It was shocking to compare the new picture with the old. I am so much skinnier looking in this new one; in fact, I could not believe that I had a sleeveless dress on (I didn't think about having to take a license picture when I got dressed that morning -- let's blame my blondness) and that it looks really good in the picture. I then met my friend/new roommate for lunch, ran some more errands, went over to a friend's house (the one with baby Benson, my move in helper), and then met another friend for frozen yogurt where she had a very thoughtful surprise from my mom -- a beautiful bunch of gerbera daisies which are my favorite.

The day was so full (not in an "I'm running around and can't cram a single other thing in the day" kind of way, but in an "I can't believe what a good day this is, and my heart is about to burst" way.). It was only afterward when I reflected on it how different it was from the previous years' birthdays in Arkansas. Previously since I had very few friends in Arkansas, the way I celebrated my birthdays was with food. I'd let myself eat whatever I wanted in whatever amounts I wanted and say that that was just a part of celebrating. In contrast, this year I barely thought about food. Yes, I met friends for lunch/dinner, but food was really in the backdrop and not in the forefront of why we were getting together -- the real reason was to celebrate and have fun together, not to eat for the sake of eating. I thought to myself "THIS is what normal people must feel like around food" -- and it was not lost on me that, at least for the day, I fell into that category of people who were treating food as a part of the background of their lives, not in the starring role. I was amazed and, again, I felt very grateful.

It is incredible to think about how much God has blessed me in the last year, in very unexpected ways. I distinctly remember my birthday last year. I felt probably the worst I have ever felt in my life. I had been diagnosed with depression a few weeks earlier, and somehow putting a label on the emptiness I felt made me even a little sadder. I spent a good chunk of my day crying face down on the floor of my apartment thinking, "This is just not right. Life should not be like this." I was so lonely and sad and I felt utterly defeated. It was on that day that I gave myself permission to leave Arkansas. I cried and thought, "I have no good friends in Arkansas." I felt very strongly the voice of God whispering to me, "I am your friend." It sounds crazy -- well, it is crazy -- but it was unmistakable to me. I cry just writing about it.

I decided I would give myself one year. I would try in earnest to make friends one last time. I had already tried everything I knew to do (and my counselors agreed that the list was long and that I HAD tried a lot) one more time -- and if it didn't work out again this time, I would leave in a year with no guilt and absolutely no remorse.

The move to a place just across town (not out of the state, as I had contemplated a year earlier) and my birthday are a testament to how much God has helped me to make friends here. My friends here have affirmed that I am not weird (at least not enough to justify my having no friends), that I am valued, and that they love me -- and after the drought of local friends, the value of this is immeasurable and I in no way take this for granted.

There are other things I would have never guessed would happen over the last year -- moving in with a roommate after living alone for 10 years, joining a 12-step program, getting a year's extension on my tenure clock -- but I see God's hand in every one and am convinced this is what He has for me in this season of life. I want to learn every lesson and enjoy every day because His plan is best for me.

Just a quick update on life. It is really a great season of life right now, and for this I am unspeakably grateful especially after such a hard three year stretch after I first moved to Arkansas. The fullness and richness of life is certainly not lost on me.

(And by the way, the food part is going pretty well these days too. Again, I'm grateful.)

When I'm in OA I feel...

2011-07-28T09:46:00.000-07:00

Close to God

Not obsessed with food

Grateful, pretty much on every level

Like I understand how I fit into the universe

Joy in submission

Like giving back, and being way less selfish

So the question is, why do I ever stop going? Is busy-ness really a fair exchange for peace and gratitude and living a life that's pretty much better in every way? Doesn't seem so but I do it. It is insane, and just like food addiction and compulsive eating, it makes no sense. NONE.

Do you remember?

2011-07-28T07:04:00.000-07:00

Do you remember this skirt? It's ok; I didn't either -- but I found it when packing to move. I'm wearing it today, and it fits great.

Making Better Choices...

2011-07-28T06:24:00.000-07:00

Stream of consciousness post ahead...

Things here continue to be busy; looks like I've finally hit my stride at work and so they'll just always be like this from now on, which is actually a pretty good thing since it means I'm finally making progress in my professional life.

Layer on top of this a move, and I'm just pretty stressed out. I don't want to buy too many groceries since I'm moving, but since so much of my diet is fresh fruits and vegetables, not buying groceries seems like a bad choice too. And it's really hard for me to believe that I'm moving in a week and I have so much to do. But I will get through things, just like I always do.

Finally, yesterday I made better food choices. Great? No. Better? Yes, and I'm optimistic I'm on my way to eating healthily again, which is great.

As to working out -- I had clothes packed for the gym yesterday, but I wasn't able to leave work until 5:24, I had to meet someone 15 minutes away at 5:30 (I hate being late and feeling rushed, but it's par for the course, lately), I left that appointment around 6:15, and I was starving (which was a great sign after just eating because I wanted to and not because I was hungry for almost the last week) so I knew I needed to eat before I went to the gym. I stopped at Walmart, got stuff for breakfast (string cheese), and bought some fruit, and then ate a couple pieces of string cheese and had some fruit and watched an episode of Teen Mom (guilty pleasure; don't judge). By then it was 8:15, and I knew I needed to do two things for work so I did them. Now it's 9:00 and I'm exhausted, and I fell asleep right then, and didn't wake up until 6:30 this AM. Yep, goes to show I'm exhausted lately since I've been burning the candle at both ends. For me, it's not sustainable and I need sleep or it just devolves into a bad scene.

I miss working out, but I am not going to beat myself up over it until I'm in some sort of a normal routine again (i.e., not moving and settled in). I hope to go today but won't be mad at myself if it doesn't happen since I routinely try to walk places instead of drive, take the stairs where possible, etc. Also, packing and running all of these errands, while not an official workout, takes a lot of energy and so I'll just hope that will not drive my fitness level into the ground.

And OA? I need to make a meeting soon. I haven't been since Saturday I think. I need to work that program seriously so I remember what's important about this healthy living thing.

By Myself

2011-07-25T18:30:00.000-07:00

I have been failing miserably at this healthy eating and healthy living thing. I am pretty disgusted with myself.

I am realizing a lot of things about myself. Things that I don't like.

I can now binge on food that is healthy. Eating a whole watermelon in one sitting? Done that, just last week. Twice. I also ate 1/2 bushel of peaches last week. By myself.
Once I have a slip, the next one is so much easier both to rationalize and to execute.
Once I stop having quiet time, it is hard to reinstitute. When I'm not regularly spending time with God I forget that I'm not the one overcoming this compulsive overeating thing (at least not in my own power).

I haven't worked out in almost a week. I have not eaten well since Thursday and I really went off the rails last weekend. Today was a little better, but still rough. And I look bloated and my face looks so fat. I am not sure if anyone else would notice, but it looks really terrible to me.

But most of all, I feel ashamed and mad at myself, and kind of sad. The topic at tonight's OA meeting was willingness -- and I really needed to hear that. I forget that I need to just be willing to do what God asks me to do with food, and remember to ask for His help to tell me what to do. I realize that may sound simplistic to many, but it is really one of the things that has revolutionized all of this healthy eating thing for me.

Doing this by myself and in my own strength just does not work.

RIP Amy Winehouse

2011-07-23T10:18:00.001-07:00

By the way, I read a little bit ago that Amy Winehouse was found dead at her apartment; she was four years younger than me. As of yet, I don't think the cause of her death has been confirmed but I'm sure we all have our suspicions. I'll just say, addiction is hard.

Talent cannot overcome it.

Peer pressure cannot overcome it.

Trips to rehab cannot by themselves overcome it.

Everyone else wanting you to get better cannot overcome it.

Shame cannot overcome it.

Defiance cannot overcome it.

I'm sad for her, and for her family. I'm sad that she's probably best known for a song where she poked fun at her illness and rehab. Today the world lost a very sick, very very talented woman -- most likely to complications of her addiction. And that is just very sad.

Struggling with food, what now?

2011-07-23T10:02:00.000-07:00

The week has been great with respect to my personal productivity. I have worked a LOT this week, and I am very proud of the way everything has shaped up. I actually think I have a really good shot to get this proposal funded, which no joke would change my career and my life (this award is very prestigious). But even if I don't, I am very proud of the work I've done and grateful for the help of colleagues and friends who have offered very helpful suggestions to improve the quality of my work, and spent their valuable time reading the proposal and offering improvements. So so grateful.

While the productivity has been great, the eating especially the last two days have been bad. Yesterday I'd say I had my first act of willful disobedience with respect to food. I was working with my grad student at a coffee shop. We'd worked together for probably 10+ hours over the course of the week at this coffee shop. While I was very grateful for her willingness to work there and work so hard, it has been stressful since the reason we've been meeting is that this one aspect of our research is not coming together.

It was about 6:30 (yes, on a Friday) and we were still at the coffee shop. Things hadn't been working out. I wasn't hungry, but to say I was stressed and tired? Yes, that'd be a fair characterization. I decided I wanted something sweet.

Now I'm really not opposed to sweets or enjoying them to moderation -- assuming you have planned for them and have the points budgeted and you're hungry for them. This was none of the above. This was an impulse, I'm out of points and just want to eat for comfort decision. The thing I ate was expensive, not that good, and overall not worth it. And I ate every bit of it. Reminded me of the old days.

In talking to a friend this week, I've realized I'm getting reasonably good about responding to the moment-of-crisis "I am so sad or angry and all I want to do is eat" things without relying on food. I am not, however, good at this low-level but ever present stress that wears down my resolve and makes me want to eat. I have experienced this all week, and for the last two days have responded really poorly. It's like "dude, the reason I am stressed is because I am working hard and all the time; I really don't have time to get on an OA meeting!", yet that is when I need the meetings/support the most.

I am struggling with feeling like "Meh, I've already blown it I might as well go off the rails now" thing today. Overcoming compulsive eating is hard.

When I was this age I thought....

2011-07-17T19:03:00.000-07:00

Well yesterday was another big day for me. I had my second big "holy crap I just got through a big meltdown without food" day. It was hard. Well, I guess meltdowns by definition are not really a cakewalk.

Anyhow.

I explained how last week was just stressful. This week will be too. Actually, until I am moved and settled in my new place (early August), I think life will be stressful. And that's just how life goes sometimes, so I'm trying to put my big girl pants on and just deal with it. I'd describe the stress like an ache -- you know, that low level, always there, bother you but you have to learn to deal with it because it's not going away kind of a thing. Yesterday's pain was very acute, and that in the past has almost always driven me right to the food. Learning to find comfort and deal with those sharp moments of pain or feeling "less than" without food is really hard, especially when you've dealt with pain using food for about 20 years.

The theme of the day yesterday was age. I'm 31. I didn't have a hard time when I turned 30 (well, aside from the whole "I don't really have any friends here to celebrate this with" thing -- but the number itself? Not a big deal). I don't feel old. I am really fine with my age. But most of my friends here are younger. I've only recently realized this, as the topic of age has very little to do with why we're friends and so it really never came up.

Yesterday one of my friends had a birthday. I love this particular friend, and was honored to be able to spend a part of her birthday with her celebrating what a cool person she is. I knew that she and her husband had struggled for many years with infertility before adopting their amazing daughter almost a year ago. I figured the whole "struggling with infertility for years" thing made her at least my age or older.

Nope. Turned just turned 29. When I found this out yesterday, I just had an intense few moments of feeling very much "less than". Almost all of my friends here are married. Almost all of them are pregnant or have just given birth (think I'm joking? A few weeks ago I had 15 pregnant friends, no exaggeration). Almost all of them own their homes.

I rent. I'm single. I'm childless.

All of those things are (seriously) ok with me about 95% of the time. They all make sense. I'm not sure how long I'll live here, so it doesn't make sense to buy until I get tenure. I've seen my parents' miserable marriage and I'm not getting married unless I find the right guy, who has yet to materialize so being single makes sense too. And there's no way I'm having a kid solo. (I've generate enough stress for myself -- I don't need a little to help. And if I do decide I desire that? I'll just get a dog.)

But yesterday? This all was very much not ok -- it's one thing to be "behind" people my own age. But when my 25-29 year old friends are all having babies with their spouses that will live in houses of their own? It can mess with your head and make you feel very much like a loser.

So yesterday I really really wanted to eat over this. I even went into Target to buy food to binge on. As I walked up and down the chocolate aisles, I had a moment of clarity. "What are you doing?! Not only will this not make you feel better, you'll really regret shoving this crap in your mouth. You need to feel this pain."

So, I walked out of Target without even so much as a trashy magazine, and I sat in my car and cried for a good 15 minutes asking for God's help to remove the compulsion to eat and to help me to feel confident about where I am in life. Feeling the pain is so hard, but I really think it's the only way for me to deal with it.

It is funny, yesterday afternoon I went to a different OA meeting than I usually do because I hadn't had time this past week to go to many meetings and this particular meeting fit into my schedule. Several different people said during their shares, "You know, I thought for sure by this age I'd be over this [compulsive eating]!" I really let that marinate, and it was so funny that, later that day, the topic of age really sent me down a dark path where I really wanted to eat compulsively.

I am coming to realize that I'll never be 'over' compulsive eating, even if I'm 100. I am for sure getting better with dealing with it. It comes to the surface less frequently when I do the right things to manage my eating. But I think it will always be there. I am coming to peace with that, even though it's something that is something I'm obviously not excited about. Maybe this is the thing that will keep me relying on God for everything, because since I have given food over to Him we converse much more frequently.

I have no great way to end this post with a quip or a resolution so I'll just say the following:

I'm very grateful for God's help in getting over this urge to eat compulsively yesterday. I'm very much needing his help to make it through another stressful week. I'm not sure where I thought I'd be at 31 (almost 32), but in Arkansas dealing with depression and compulsive eating by myself certainly isn't what I'd envisioned. But, with God's help, I will make it through -- and I sure am grateful for the lessons I'm learning these days, even though this isn't exactly how I'd seen my life playing out...

Tough week

2011-07-17T17:54:00.000-07:00

I told you how last week I was teetering on edge with food. I didn't quite explain the whole story. Last weekend, I went with my brother to St. Louis for a quick mini-vacation. I was stressed and my productivity was waning, so I thought two days completely off (NO work, not even a little) would help me out. Incidentally, I have found that taking weekends off guilt free about 80%+ of the time is something that is pretty important for me to have a level head and to ward off depression. I honor this, and take weekends. I may do work around the house, but I don't do school work most weekends.

But anyway, last weekend I met my brother in St. Louis. I prayed for help from God with the food. "Please help me to make wise decisions." I felt good about my decisions, but my Weight Watchers week starts Sunday and on Sunday I was down to 12 weekly points (you start with 49 so basically I had a ton of food Sunday). I made the decision to track it and move on. I would not shirk my responsibility to be accountable for my food.

Anyway, that made it hard for the rest of the week as I had very little leeway on what I could eat (and I rarely stay within my daily points). And when you eat carrot cake? You know, that stuff that costs 18 points/slice? You're kind of hosed for the day unless you've got some extra points to dig into.

All this to day? I was starting on very thin ice if I was going to stick to WW for the week. But I did it, and I ended up only at -10 for the week (I thought for sure I'd end up much deeper in the hole than that).

I am realizing that Weight Watchers is something very deep to me. Not because it's the very best program out there (although I like it a lot, and so do nutritionists), but because it's an act of submission and surrender, and I feel accountable to it. As long as I am honest about what I eat, I am doing ok. Once I start fudging and not recording my food, I feel like it is a slippery slope. I am grateful for the structure the program provides. I am realizing it's important to be honest about what I eat ~~even when~~ especially when you ate half a deep dish pizza and some chocolate all in one day and that leaves you mostly out of any extra points for the week.

Losing it

2011-07-14T19:31:00.000-07:00

As I sit here at a table at my favorite coffee shop staring at my laptop and at the empty plate that once held carrot cake, I'm forced to admit I'm losing it. I have a huge deadline in a little over a week and I am struggling. I was feeling good about what I've done toward the goal, but the more advice I receive the more confusing it gets. Person A says "Add item X; your proposal is not clear without item X." Person B says "Item X muddies the point and takes up too much space. And WTF are you talking about with item Y?? You really need to add item Z."

This feedback is great. It is honest, and it is the result of people taking the time to read a long document which is a sacrifice of their valuable time. I am so so grateful for this -- but at the same time it's confusing. And stressful. And I'm working like crazy to make sure I am doing the best I can to do justice to their comments, and to make my document as clear and concise as possible. But damn is it sapping my energy and making me stressed.

If you are the praying sort, please pray for me because I am seriously about to lose it. I am sleeping more and more and I still wake up exhausted. Part of me is concerned because I wonder if this is exhaustion or the onset of depression; either is not good for productivity. I am trying to feed my body healthy things, make sure I still exercise, and mostly ignore how tired I am. I will make sure I get 7 hours of sleep every night, but I simply can't afford 8.5+ hours/night right now (even though I did get that last night because I was so tired). I know it is not effective to work 24-7, but it is hard not to fall victim to doing that right now. I really want this proposal to be funded, and I am determined to do my very very best work before it is submitted. Please pray that I know where to establish boundaries so that I do not exchange my mental health for this proposal, and that I continue to rely on God and not food to get me through this very stressful season because I feel myself teetering on the edge.

The Slow Track

2011-07-06T18:34:00.000-07:00

I have talked before about feeling frustrated by my slow progress or lack of progress on losing weight over the last few years. Last year, for example, I lost no weight. Although I wasn't torn up about it, I would be lying if I did not acknowledge that I was somewhat frustrated, and wondering if I'd ever be a healthy weight for my height.

Today I realized how grateful I am that this has taken a long time. I have learned so much about myself and about how food affects me over the last few years. I am not sure I would have had to wrestle with these lessons if the weight had dropped off superquickly. This forced reflection has helped me to learn so much about why I am getting healthy, and why this is all worth it. I am optimistic that, with God's help, I can overcome compulsive overeating ("remaining abstinent" is what they call it in OA) one day at a time.

I think one of the things I am proudest of and most grateful for is that I really enjoy my food and am not racing toward an arbitrary goal (e.g., "size 12 clothes" or a certain number) -- I am trying to get healthy, whatever that even means. I'll leave that up to what my doctor says, and how I feel about where I am. For now, I think I can/should continue to lose weight. I haven't always felt this way, but I really do believe this from the bottom of my heart now.

The most obvious thing that will help me to continue to overcome compulsive overeating is God's help. However, outside of that I think one of the things that will help me continue on the path to a healthy life is that I do not really feel deprived at all. I have desserts. I don't eat entire bags of candy at a time anymore, and I don't eat desserts that often. But when I really want ice cream or chocolate, I eat some (and I make sure it's the good stuff). I also eat pizza, but now I make it myself or order the 8" one. I no longer order a large and eat it all at once. There is nothing I feel I lack. To me this is critical as deprivation breeds obsession and obsession leads to compulsive behavior -- namely, bingeing.

Does it mean I've lost 100 lbs in 9 months? Obviously not...but it means I don't resent or feel badly about living a restrictive lifestyle. I am just very grateful that this is the path I've chosen. It's particularly close to my heart today.

Joy in Suffering

2011-07-05T22:06:00.001-07:00

I've never been one of these "no pain no gain" kinds of girls for many reasons. First of all, I have had significant problems (e.g., back) that I don't want to re-aggrivate. My general feeling is that pain is my body telling me to back off a little. Second, the sensation of pain is kind of foreign. Having lived a sedentary life for 85+% of my life, I'm not good at differentiating what's good pain and what's bad pain just yet (i.e., am I "feeling the burn" or ripping a muscle?). I am getting better at it, but it is taking practice. Third, I desire and need exercise to be a part of getting healthy forever. And for me? Pain is not really helpful in making that a reality.

For these reasons, I've said "Thanks, but no thanks" to pain. Until about a week ago.

I have gone to spin class intermittently for about 6 months. I've liked it, but not really loved it. To me, it's not nearly as fun as riding a real bike. However since it's 95+ outside most days of late, I've come to embrace spin as a viable alternative to riding a real bike.

Last Monday I had what I think was the best workout of my life during spin class. It really has changed my perspective on pain, as the workout was SO brutal and I could barely walk up the stairs at the gym when it as over. Despite feeling physically exhausted, I had such a feeling of accomplishment. It was incredible and, ever since that day, I have pushed myself past limits I never thought I could. And WOW do I suffer to do this.

I am embracing pain at the gym. I finally get it. There can be joy in pain. Not because of the pain itself, but because you feel like such a badass for pushing through it. The endorphins help too. I am a changed woman. It amazes me that, even though I've been at this healthy living thing for 2.5 years now, I learn something about myself, my emotions, my health, and my motivations almost every single day. Embracing pain is certainly is a new one, and one that I didn't see coming.

Scientific reasons for overeating

2011-07-04T14:40:00.000-07:00

Have you seen this? Fascinating.

July 4th 2011

2011-07-04T13:01:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went to a BBQ held by friends. It's the social event of the season, to be sure, and everyone brought super-delicious and a lot of unhealthy foods. I can't describe it but I felt such peace around the food. I ate reasonable to small portions of the unhealthy stuff that looked really good (e.g., hashbrown casserole), I passed on stuff that didn't seem worth it, and I made sure to pick out stuff that had vegetables and looked reasonably healthy.

When I got home, I did not know how to track the stuff for WW as I didn't even remember what all I'd had and I had no idea what some of the stuff even was. In the past I would have just given myself a holiday exemption -- ie, we don't have to track this; it's in honor of our nation's independence! This year that just didn't feel right; I knew that this meal should dip into my weekly points. I decided I'd track the meal as 30 points (to give you an idea, my daily allowance is 37, so this means I overshot my daily target by quite a bit) and move on.

It was so bizarre (but GREAT) for it to feel weird not to track my food. To me this was no superficial decision to follow a commercial weight loss program, even though that is what it may seem like. To me it symbolized something so deep, so foreign, and so important to me -- this was basically me reacting to a deep sense of honesty and accountability I now feel about my food. This was about me saying "You know what? I ate that, and I will not ignore it and pretend it didn't happen because it's a holiday. I will take responsibility for this food choice. Not because I feel like I should; not just because I want to lose weight. I am doing this because I will be honest about myself about what I am eating." And there was liberty in tracking that food. It was so unexpected, and so counterintuitive. But it was so liberating.

Today friends invited me over for a BBQ. When my friend described the menu, there was not a good food option on the list that sounded good to me -- the meal is centered around meat, and I really don't eat much meat anymore. I thought about skipping it, but decided that was not a good option because I did not want to forgo the social interaction. I thought about eating before hand, but decided that would be too awkward. I finally decided I'd go and bring a good option I know I can eat, even though I was told that they had plenty of food and I didn't need to bring anything.

I am starting to be able to navigate tricky food situations without feeling like I'm crumbling on the inside or a crack addict having the shakes. Again, I can't take credit for any of this. Clearly, this is God helping me. The tools I am learning through OA have helped me to realize how utterly reliant I need to be on Him for His help in overcoming my addiction to food.

Turning a Corner

2011-07-04T12:32:00.001-07:00

I don't know what to say other than to say it feels like I've turned some sort of a corner, and for that I am very very grateful.

This weekend there was a situation I was dreading. I said yes to helping some friends -- it was the "right thing" to do, but I didn't want to do it. However, I agreed and decided I would honor my commitment to help them. I worked all day on my attitude -- trying to overcome the deep-seated feelings of resentment that had arisen. I had decided I would not eat over the situation, even though in the past I always would have. Even though part of me wanted to stuff my face and eat myself into an oblivion, a bigger part of me didn't and so I went to an OA phone meeting on Saturday and with the help of my higher power did not binge. When I arrived on Saturday to do this cryptic "right thing" I'm referring to -- the one I did not really want to do, the one I rearranged my whole Saturday on a three day weekend around -- the people did not need me to do it, yet could not be bothered to even make a phone call to let me know. So basically? The resentment I felt over committing such valuable weekend time to help them when I felt unappreciated? It was like they were like, "Well not only do we not realize what a sacrifice it is to give up several hours of your day in the middle of your weekend, causing you to reschedule everything, we don't even value your time enough to let you know your help is not needed anymore."

I felt gutted. I felt a deep sense of disrespect for my time which at this point is probably my most valuable asset, as I have way more money than time these days. It wasn't that I was pissed, even though I felt justified in feeling that way, I was just -- utterly hurt. And if I thought the urge to eat was strong before? I just upped the emotional ante by a factor of 10.

However, because I had been on an OA meeting before the "moment", I was very grateful to be in a good place and to not want to binge. It was amazing. I cried a lot, I reached out to a friend, and I just felt these (TERRIBLE) feelings -- but then I went to a movie, and I didn't eat over the feelings. I didn't even really obsess about it; I just made sure not to make sure not to send myself into a dangerous environment (e.g., avoid going somewhere with a lot of trigger foods, as my emotional reserves were down).

All this to say? I'm by NO means perfect, but with God's help I am starting to be able to navigate emotional situations without the help of or even obsession over food. This clearly is not something I could have done in my own strength, so I am so grateful for my higher power's help with this. Even when others disrespect me and my time and hurt me, I can rely on God. He has my back, is always with me, and loves me. Food can do none of those things. The best it can do is to numb the pain temporarily.

Weird, in a good way

2011-06-30T07:32:00.000-07:00

First I want to clear this up -- to some it came across as though I was complaining about losing weight a couple posts ago. I want to clarify that I'm actually very excited about it, and am grateful to be headed back in that direction. There are some things that need worked through, yes, but overall it is a great thing.

I think it's like anything overwhelmingly positive. Say you won the lottery. It would be a bummer to deal with the taxes. It would be annoying/infuriating to deal with the leaches coming out of the woodwork to try to mooch off you. But, overall, experiencing something like winning the lottery I would imagine would be positive. It's the same with losing weight -- there's the potential for loose skin. There's the identity issues that arise, like not recognizing yourself when you look in the mirror, or still seeing yourself as 300 lbs when you're actually much smaller. There's the financial implications of buying clothes all the time. But overall? It is great. I am grateful to be losing weight again and if I didn't want to do it, I could very easily stop. So....hope that clarifies things.

I was writing today to let you know how cool and weird it is to be seeing new lows about 40-50% of the days I weigh (which is everyday) lately! This morning? 227.(I forget). I'm not going to post everyday there is a new low, as I'm basically in uncharted territory. And it is SO COOL to see a new low number on many of these days!!

I am just so grateful that I've made it past this imaginary and invisible 229 barrier. Thank you for helping to pray me past it. I am so grateful for this past year, where I have learned so much about myself, so much about WHY I am getting healthy, and so much about what causes me problems and how I can address those roadblocks. I think that, for me, working through those issues was worth so much more than just getting to some arbitrary number that I want to get to but having a myriad of undealt-with issues lurking beneath the surface. I have been faced with many of those issues. I've cried about them, battled them, and ultimately overcome or made peace with many of them. It's not been easy, but it's been WORTH IT and I think will pay very long term dividends.

And of course I'm thrilled that much of this behind-the-scenes background work has paid off and that now I'm moving closer and closer to a weight that is healthy for my body. Thank you all for the support you've given me as I worked through these issues. I am grateful the rewards are now manifesting themselves physically, and for your friendship virtual or otherwise :)

Peanut Butter

2011-06-29T12:40:00.000-07:00

When I went to Yosemite last month, I had PBJ for the first time in probably a couple years. It was SO GOOD! I loved it and didn't even realize what I'd been missing for so long. And I wanted to have some to make at my house!

I rarely have bread at my house -- it's not that I don't like it, it's just not something I can usually go through fast enough so it usually molds so I don't have it often. When I DO have it though, I make sure it is the good stuff either from a good bakery or something I've made myself.

About three weeks ago, I had bread that I had gotten to make grilled cheese (another favorite, which I am sure is no surprise). I decided I wanted to have PBJ sandwiches too, but I really did think long and hard before deciding to do that. Why?

PB has been a longstanding binge food for me -- one of those things that, in the past, I'd dig into with a spoon, a glass of milk, and more often than not a heavy heart. In the past it's typically been eaten by the jar, not the tablespoonful. So I wondered -- should I get the PB for PBJ? My typical workarounds for foods like this are either to get single serving containers (e.g., Doritos), eat the food at a restaurant (e.g., ice cream) so I only have a single size, or to avoid the food altogether. I could not figure out a way to easily do any of these things, so I decided a) that I really did want the PBJ; it was worth the risk and that b) if it became a problem, I would wash it down the sink (throwing it away isn't always enough -- I've been known to trash dig in the past).

I am pleased to report that my PB is still around. It's been about three weeks and I've enjoyed lots of PBJ delicacies including the straight up sandwich and the PBJ pizza. I think I will try it with oatmeal next week.

The best part? The peanut butter isn't even a temptation. I've been totally enjoying it but not obsessing over it or thinking about the next chance I'd have to eat it.

I am so glad that OA and God are helping me to overcome my food compulsions. I could not even have imagined having PB in my house a year ago and, if it had been there, I am sure I would have been absolutely on edge white-knuckling it through the temptation until I probably would have given in and eaten it all. Now I feel nothing toward that PB. I am so incredibly grateful (but I'm not ready to try to have Nutella in my house just yet).

"Those People"

2011-06-27T20:10:00.000-07:00

You know "those people" who talk in meaningless sounding platitudes and talk as though they know everything about losing weight and living healthy lives? Today I realized that, even if I'm not yet one of those people, I am totally on the verge and I need to step away from the ledge slowly. I am so glad I caught myself, and I hope that if I ever start sounding like one of those people you will all let me know and TELL ME TO STOP!!

Today on Twitter, a blogger was talking about his/her struggle with healthy living and feeling really discouraged about where he/she was. You all know I've been there. Trust me, I. HAVE. BEEN. THERE!!! He/she was sounding desperate, lamenting the number on the scale and basically begging for advice.

Do you know what I twittered her? "It's not about the food."

Do I believe that? Yes. Pretty much whole-heartedly. I stand behind my thought.

Was it helpful to her? No. That's not helpful to hear.

Should I have said it? No. Not if it wasn't helpful, and it made me sound really like a smug ass -- which is not what I wanted to be and certainly wasn't helpful to anyone, least of all someone who is struggling.

In losing this weight, I've come to believe that for many of us -- and certainly myself -- that this is absolutely not about losing weight. Is it a part of the puzzle? Sure. Is it a way to measure our progress? Undoubtedly. It is objective and easy to track. But is it the end all be all? For me, the answer is no.

I think that the mechanics of losing weight -- barring some health problems like a thyroid issue -- is really pretty easy. Move more. Eat fewer calories than you burn, but not so little that your body thinks it's starving. Get the calories from healthy sources (e.g. 100 calories of string cheese or fruit >>>> 100 calories of twinkie).

So if we know all of this stuff, why are we fat? I think that most of us who want to lose weight know HOW -- it's the action and the follow through that is the hard part. For me, I know that years of food abuse and disordered eating caused some really poor choices on my part -- and some I did so long that they even became reflexive. And for me? THAT'S the hard part. Relearning how to deal with stress in ways other than eating. Deciding when to pass on that "I just can't live without it" treat. Realizing that sometimes, food's just not worth it. It's not that I don't KNOW (whatever not-stellar food choice) is bad for me -- it's that I decide that I don't care. I think it's that way for many of us. And THAT'S not about the food -- that's about dysfunctional food thinking.

These are things that I know are true for me. I think these things are true for many of us, and for many people who are still struggling with food.

...but I don't think sharing this stuff is helpful, unless people ask or genuinely care. And broadcasting it from a mountaintop or accosting anyone who will listen with the message? It's not helpful, and it probably won't be well received. But it will make you one of those people.

When I lost 60 lbs five years ago, I talked about saying goodbye to the fat forever. I said I would NEVER go back to the life I led before. One thing I've learned this time around is that I'm certainly not above a relapse, and that all-or-nothing thinking is a surefire shortcut to disaster for me. When I regained the weight, if someone would have told me it was not all about the food? I would have either rolled my eyes at them, argued, or felt even more like a loser than I already did. And really? None of those are good outcomes. So why would I say that to someone else?!?

Even though I talked about how I'd permanently changed my life and freed myself from the shackles of being overweight, compulsive eating led me right back to the old habits -- eating to deal with pain and loneliness. And with the old behaviors, the weight returned -- with a bonus, the way it always seems to.

And although it sucked, I am actually pretty glad it happened. I learned a LOT about humility from that experience. I learned that I am an addict and if I do not use God's help to overcome my addiction, it will suffocate me and eventually take my life. I also learned compassion, and the importance of consistency.

Part of me wants to share the "experience, strength, and hope" (OA buzz words) that I've gotten from this -- but not at the expense of sounding like an ass, or making someone feel bad when they're down. I don't want to be one of those people. I've been on the receiving side of that, and it is not fun so why would I do that to someone else?

Loose Clothes

2011-06-27T06:38:00.000-07:00

As I've told you before, I've been mainintaining my weight for about a year or so. Recently, I think I've broken that streak and I've started to see the scale trending downward again. Overall, this is a great development.

However, there is something I'd forgotten about losing weight since I hadn't been doing it so long: I forgot that when you lose weight, your clothes don't fit anymore.

At first that was a good thing. I'd been about 230 one other time in grad school -- and from that time, I had some clothes that I really liked. There were a couple of pairs of jeans in particular that I couldn't wait to get back into. Having worn them for a little over a year now, I don't give them too much thought anymore. That's probably because I've been at this weight before, and I've been at 235 +/- 5 lbs for about a year now, allowing me to accumulate a normal wardrobe. Actually, I don't give the idea of clothes overall much thought.

Until Saturday. Here's a picture from Saturday in one of the pink polos I've worn for a year or so (and I love this shirt -- it reminds me of Legally Blonde). As I put it on I thought "Why is this too loose?!?!" In just a second I went from confusion to elation to "Oh crap, this means I will have to buy new clothes again."

I'm now moving into uncharted territory. I haven't been this size or smaller since high school through sophomore year of college. I didn't save any jeans or other clothes from that era, which is probably ok since I am unlikely to be wearing carpenter jeans or tapered leg jeans anyway -- but what that means is that very soon I will have no clothes to wear! I forgot about that part of weight loss. It's not that I mind buying new clothes -- part of me thinks it's fun actually. But I really don't mind it presuming you'll be able to wear them for several months, not that they'll just be transient as you pass through on your way to something smaller.

Overall, it's a good problem to have. I need to focus on that rather than annoyance. On the bright side, I'm currently in an 18 (normal, not W) or sometimes a 16W. The good news is that that means I'm not restricted to stores like Lane Bryant or plus sized sections of department stores. This means both more selection and BETTER PRICES! In addition, these sizes are more likely to be available at consignment shops and thrift stores -- which is great.

One Step at a Time

2011-06-23T18:46:00.001-07:00

Photo credit: J@m's flicker page

Today I am not sure what was wrong with me, but I just felt all over the place at work. I got stuff done, yes, but I felt like I was not firing on all cylinders. That's a problem because now is a time I definitely need to be harnessing every ounce of productivity I have, and more. I was kind of frustrated, honestly.

Do you know what I did? I went to go swim. Then I went for dinner (pizza, which I had points to eat -- and I ordered an 8" mini pizza). I was not really feeling like I could work just yet again so I went for a "quick" bike ride -- 11 miles. It was so cathartic.

I was thinking to myself, who ever thought this was possible? Who thought I would deal with stress by exercising?! And who ever thought I would order a pizza smaller than a small?! AND BE COMPLETELY SATISFIED?!?!?!

I remember one time when I was sick (probably about 3 years ago) I circled the Walmart parking lot for literally 10 minutes looking for a spot right next to the door because I did not want to walk any further than I had to. Now parking far away is no big deal.

I remember when I used to walk up the hill where I work wheezing and out of breath. Now I do that, then take the stairs to my office, and I'm not even breathing hard.

I remember when not having soda or dessert every day was unthinkable; now it's not really a big deal (although I do admit, I still love soda).

I was trying to figure out, "When did this happen? When did I change so much?!" As I thought about it, I realized it happened little by little -- by taking one step and making one decision at a time. That's both incredibly gratifying and incredibly humbling all at the same time.

On the one hand, it's great because it just means I need to make just one decision at a time or take one little step followed by another followed by another and I can eventually end up where I want to be, even if it's a place I never thought was possible. When I weighed 300 lbs, I never thought it would be possible to be back down to 229 -- but for the last several days I have been. And it's incredibly humbling and amazing.

At the same time, it's humbling because I can make one "little" decision that's bad and if I'm not careful I can take the path to destruction. I know, because I've done it once before, gaining 70 lbs in just over 2 years. Just by making one little decision at a time. However, I've also made plenty of not stellar decisions over the last 3 years, but I've rebounded. It's not a single bad decision that will do you in, but a series of them. And it's hard to see that you're making them sometimes when you're just living in the moment.

Anyway, tonight I'm kind of on a high because of this new life I'm living. Who thought I would do 1.5+ hours of exercise just for fun, not because it's the right thing to do -- but because it was what I wanted to do -- even more than watching TV or reading a book.

At the same time, I'm humbled because I'm not thinking I'm "fixed" or that I've really arrived at a place of complete recovery -- but I am glad to be living a happy and healthy life today. And I'm convinced I can live another healthy day tomorrow. And the day after... And the day after...

I love this life.

Progress, not perfection.

Father's Day 2011

2011-06-20T07:54:00.000-07:00

Wow yesterday morning was so so hard. SO hard.

First of all, after that great weigh-in early in the week, my weight kept inching upward. The perplexing part was that I was, as far as I know, doing everything right. I had the best week of workouts I've had in probably 2 months. I tracked every single (non-point) thing that I put in my mouth. As a bonus, I even made a conscious effort to drink less pop (successful but still room for improvement). However, in the end I was up 3.2 lbs for this week.

My main reaction was confusion, not anger or disappointment or wanting to give up. I was (and still am) perplexed, but my focus remains on doing the right thing -- eating nutritious food, tracking my points, and exercising regularly and aggressively. The weight will follow. I will only get concerned about the scale if my gains continue over the course of, say, a month. For now, there could be a myriad of causes -- water weight, hormones, stuff caught in my system, etc. Nonetheless, it got the morning off to a lackluster start.

That morning, our regular pastor was out of town. His pinch hitter is, at best, weak. Sometimes he's so glib he's even offensive. It is tough to sit through, and gets tougher with time. For this reason I wasn't excited to go to church. However, I texted some people and decided I should go. One of my friends texted me:

It's father's day and you know he loves his kids a lot so maybe it won't be so bad.

Then it hit me: "Oh shit, he's right. It's father's day and they will talk about this in church." And that's where the REAL fun for the day began, and I had an immediate and very very strong inclination to binge which I haven't done in a good 2-3 months thanks in no small part to OA.

I was a messy flood of tears, mostly sad and angry about my poor-to-non-existant relationship with my father who is an emotionally vacant and even emotionally abusive shell of a man. His behaviors have had long lasting and very deep implications on our fractured family. In addition to being mad about how much he had let me and the rest of my family down, I was mad at myself for my eating disorder and dysfunctional relationship with food which was making me want to binge with everything inside of me.

My reaction in the past would have been immediately to jump to the "screw it" stage and to soothe myself with food. I was determined to do what I could to avoid this situation from playing out let again.

I asked God for help. "Please let this compulsion pass."

One of the things you hear about in compulsive overeating circles is the need to "sit with the feelings" -- you have to really feel your feelings rather than just muting them or covering them over with copious amounts of food. Well I can tell you, in the moment, sitting with (binge food of choice) is a hell of a lot more comfortable than sitting with feelings when the feelings are so deep and hurtful and so shitty. But yesterday, I sat with my feelings. For a good 45 minutes to an hour I sat with my feelings on my bed and cried and cried and cried. I held tight to the serenity prayer, and I prayed for the compulsion to overeat to pass. And after awhile it did.

I was so grateful for God's help in surviving the compulsion to overeat -- the strongest compulsion I'd had for a long time. It also made me think, wow maybe it is actually possible with God's help to be restored to sanity when it comes to food (step 2). While I believed this step in my head, I think I am starting to actually see evidence of it in my life, and for this I am very grateful.

Staying the Course

2011-06-16T04:45:00.001-07:00

Since I posted earlier in the week about how I'd reached a new low, my weight has gone up a little to 230.2 (not outside normal water weight gains/losses). I continue to work out, track everything for WW, and (I don't think I wrote about this) avoid meat. Everything will work itself out. If I do the actions for long enough, the results will follow. I am staying the course.

Article

2011-06-15T18:46:00.001-07:00

Here's an article that was written about me for a publication at school. I'm not super pumped about the article (it reads kind of blah to me, and the food is such a ~~bigger~~ harder piece of getting healthy for me than the exercise).

"Oooh, I like that too!"

2011-06-15T10:38:00.000-07:00

Last night, our community group re-instituted the ice breaker. I don't know why, but I love those things. Quick, surface level questions that actually lead you to discover something interesting about someone you might not have known already.

The question last night was "What's your favorite candy bar?"

My answer was either a Ritter Sport with a Butter Biscuit or a Pay Day. It's probably been a month or two since I've had a Ritter Sport and it's been probably over a year since I've had a Pay Day. I really don't indulge very often on candy or chocolate, as I prefer to indulge on cheese (like those of you who have read this blog before didn't know that...).

It was funny, though, as people went around describing their favorite bars, I was like "Oh, I like that too!" Snickers. Reeses, both the cups and the pieces. Zero. Caramello. Sour Patch Kids. Peanut M&Ms. All kinds of good stuff. And, except for the Hot Tamales, I would say I loved everyone's candy choices. (I'm also not crazy about anything black licorice related -- but almost anything else is good. I also would say I like Butterfinger but I think it is nasty how it gets stuck in your teeth.)

Someone was like "Oh, you really like a lot of candy!" It's funny. Although I like a lot of candy (guilty as charged), I don't eat it much anymore. I guess it was just interesting to me that "normal" people don't like candy as much as I do (or at least they don't vocalize it, and some even comment on my like of it although not in a critical or judgmental way).

It is true. I love candy and, more generally, I LOVE food. But that doesn't mean I have to eat it all the time, or eat it in jumbo sized bags to enjoy it. These are lessons that I'm learning and, shockingly, even starting to believe at a deeper heart level.

I guess you can teach an old dog new tricks. At least one who wants to learn them, like me.

New Low

2011-06-13T04:46:00.000-07:00

This morning I weighed 228.0, eclipsing my old low of 228.4. The funny thing is that I'm learning that just like food and my attitude toward it don't define me, my weight doesn't either. The next thing that needs to go is my identity as a former fat girl. I sometimes still think of myself that way (often?). It's not that I think it's bad to remember where I've come from; I think that's good/important. It's more that it should not define me -- moving it out of who I think I am at my core.

Now here's the thing -- every other time I've hit a new low in the last year, there is some sort of self sabotage involved (see picture above). It's never conscious and it's always subtle, but it's always been there. Soon after I get to a new low, I get sloppy or gain weight or something. I need to figure out why and not do it now. After all, if weight doesn't define me, why should it dictate my behavior? It shouldn't.

I am cautiously optimistic that this is the week I can break the cycle. I will be praying about this with my higher power. If you are into such things, would you mind praying for me too? I hope to have good news to share soon. Hopefully this is the time where I can break through this maintenance phase I've (unintentionally) been in for the last year.

Giving it Up

2011-06-11T21:42:00.000-07:00

Since I started to attend OA (which I do pretty much exclusively on the phone, but usually 3-4 times/week), my journey to get healthy has taken a decidedly spiritual turn. These themes play heavily in this post.

This morning, I went to go see Fork over Knives. It's basically a film advocating a vegan-based diet and advocating viewing food as medicine -- something that can not only prevent but also heal chronic diseases (they focused on cancer, cardiovascular disease, and diabetes). A little preachy, but not too bad.

While I do eat tons of produce (I calculated last week that I probably have 1.5ish lbs of produce/day), I also eat meat and dairy. While meat is something that I feel I could cut out of my diet without too much heartache, I would have a really really hard time giving up dairy. I love yogurt. I love milk. I love cottage cheese. I love kefir. I love basically all forms of dairy that I've tried.

But most of all I love cheese.

One of the big arguments in the film against dairy was that it is high in casein, a protein that some studies show can encourage the growth of cancerous cells. I thought to myself, "If I had cancer and after researching it concluded that dairy was hurting me, would I really be able to give up cheese?" I batted this idea around for 5-10 minutes while I continued watching the film and decided I could not. I'd rather die than give up cheese. And I really did mean it literally.

Only after I rendered this decision did it strike me how absolutely absurd this was, and how deeply engrained my dysfunctional food thinking is. To be willing to continually self-injure or at least not prevent something that will happen as a result of your actions is just -- I don't even know. It's sad. But in that theatre, I decided I'd rather do that than to give up a food that I loved.

This reminded me of the passage of the rich young ruler in the Bible. Basically, a rich young guy asks Jesus what he needs to do to go to heaven. Jesus tells him he needs to sell everything and follow Him, but the man is sad and ultimately can't do it. And for me, the money is food. Would I really be willing to give up food and rely on Jesus instead?

It's one of those situations where you're not really sure until faced with the situation (as opposed to a hypothetical musing), but after praying and working through this issue much of the day I can finally say that I think I could do it. I would give up dairy if it were hurting my health or if I felt led by God to do it. And that is submission in its ultimate form, and a very huge step for me. One more step in this long, difficult journey.

The Heart of the Matter

2011-06-10T14:02:00.001-07:00

Our family has terrible genes as far as heart disease is concerned (but great ones for avoiding cancer -- so yay!). On my Mom's side, my grandpa had multiple heart attacks. Both of my Mom's brothers have had heart attacks and one of my uncles even died before he was 60. Sad. We found out my Mom's mom (Mema) had blown a heart valve right before she died. Mema also had really really high cholesterol. On my Dad's side, my grandpa died while my Dad was in Vietnam of a heart attack. I know my grandma had a stroke, but I believe she also had a heart attack. My Dad's brother also had a heart attack -- I bet he was in his late 40s or early 50s when that happened. My Dad has had heart problems, although gratefully never a heart attack.

This is all in the forefront of my mind since one of my uncles was admitted this week to the ICU for a heart attack. It freaks me out because my Mom has struggled with her weight like I have and still do (although she has lost and maintained a 50-ish lb. weight loss for almost 10 years; very proud of her). She is older than her brother was when he died, and older than her remaining brother who had a heart attack this week. It is crazy.

It also makes me concerned for me and for my own health. I used to think in my 20s "This heart stuff only really becomes important when you're 40 or older." I am glad that I don't think like that anymore, and am trying to be proactive about eating (mostly) right and exercising most days.

I am surprised how much it is being underscored to me that all of this getting healthy stuff is so not about the skin deep issues -- about looking cute and skinny. It is about changing how I approach food and why I eat. I also initially wrote "it's about not dropping dead of a heart attack" -- but actually it's not about that. Instead of living a defensive life of fear where my goal is to avoid bad things happening, I want to live live on offense -- I want to be in the very best physical shape I can so that I can do fun things like climbing to the top of waterfalls or kayaking or running around playing with little kids. Really, it's all about living a full life where I enjoy myself and am not obsessed with or inhibited by the food I put in my body. To me that is the goal of this whole healthy living thing.

Irony

2011-06-08T06:22:00.000-07:00

The title of my blog is that food will not define me forever. The genesis of the title is that nearly everything I used to do or think about revolved around food. Perhaps that is an exaggeration, but if so it is only a very slight exaggeration. I realized that having so many obsessive thoughts about food was extremely unhealthy and I vowed to change it. And I've made huge strides. But it's funny that a lot of my identity with some of my friends is still tied up in food. Let me explain...

I counted the other day and I have literally 15+ friends who are currently pregnant. I'm not exaggerating for effect; I literally have that many friends expecting kids, which is both great and kind of underscoring where I am in my life and where they are in theirs which makes me feel...well, I don't know. But that's not the point of this post.

For the friends in my community group having babies, we are planning on helping them by bringing meals soon after they deliver their children. This is a great service and I am so glad that we will be able to do this for them. I hope that it in some small way makes their transition to parenthood just a little bit easier.

It's funny, though, because I've only joined the group about a year ago and no one has had kids in that time -- hence, no meal sign up sheets for meal delivery service. People in the group are now so excited that I will be in the rotation to bring them food. They've made several comments about being so glad that I will cook for them, really looking forward to my meal, etc. I'll be honest and say there's a little performance anxiety it's causing!

Most of all, I take it as a complement -- that they enjoy my cooking, that they're looking forward to my meal. I am grateful to be able to serve them in this small way that I really enjoy (I like cooking a lot).

It's just funny that this one thing that I've worked so hard to have a functional relationship with and to move out of the center of my life (food) is a big piece of how people in this group view me. They enjoy my cooking (which is great and a good thing), but it is just funny given that I've worked so hard to distance myself from having food at the center of my life. Irony, for sure.

I told them and I will tell those of you who are my friends -- you don't have to get pregnant for me to cook for you. If you ask nicely, I will probably be more than happy to invite you over and cook for you. I really do find joy in cooking and sharing meals with others, even if it doesn't and won't define me.

Not the Answer You Expected...

2011-06-06T07:20:00.000-07:00

The other day I was leaving work to go to lunch. One of the coworkers I don't get to see often (she is in administration and in a different part of the building than I am) was headed out of the building the same time as I was.

We made some smalltalk, exchanging our plans for and accomplishments so far during summer. She then paid me a compliment, saying I looked great. She asked me, "So I never did hear how you lost all the weight. What did you do?"

I am sure she was expecting a short and succinct answer -- something along the lines of Jenny Craig, or gastric bypass, or Weight Watchers. I simply couldn't give her one. The further and further I get down the path of healthy living -- a path along which the scenery and tools will change, but that I should never leave -- the less convinced I am that there are quick answers to what are meant to be easy questions about this journey.

I told her that I hadn't lost weight in a year, but that it has been an important year mentally for me with respect to staying healthy. I told her how I've worked to get a handle on my compulsive eating. I told her how I work to integrate exercise into my everyday life, taking the stairs instead of the elevator and riding my bike to work when the weather is nice. I told her that I eat tons and tons of fruits and vegetables and make healthier choices. I told her I had to focus on getting my mental health in order. I told her that I haven't cut out certain foods altogether, but I really make it worth it when I splurge.

Basically, I told her the truth. For me, the truth of how I've started to change my life and my habits cannot be summed up in a short 2-5 word phrase. It's the result of hard work. It's sometimes a struggle. Sometimes, I mess up.

And, finally, I told her I'd done Weight Watchers but that that's been a more minor piece of the get healthy puzzle. After all, I've been "doing" WW intermittently for the last year, and I've just gained and lost the same 10 lbs over and over. Weight Watchers is really a tool for me to manage what I put in my body, and not an answer in itself.

But all of this? This healthy living thing? It is worth it.

I can climb stairs without getting tired. People don't look at me with "that look" when I'm in public. I am starting to be able to shop in normal stores and normal sections -- ie, something besides Lane Bryant and the tiny corner of old lady fat clothes in regular department stores. I can fit into restaurant booths. I am not so fat that that's the first thing people notice about me.

And although Weight Watchers has played an integral role in all of this -- one that I will forever be thankful for and proud of -- I am the one who has done the work, with the help of my "higher power". And most of it has gone way deeper than just the food I eat -- to why I eat, how I view food, and the emotion behind the food.

And all of this? The changes I've made in my life? I would not trade them for a mountain of cheese dip. There really is life beyond the food. It's so much more than just looking cute walking around in nice clothes. And it is so so so much richer than I would have thought or imagined.

Upper Yosemite Falls Trail Hike

2011-06-05T13:27:00.001-07:00

Me and Kristi at the bottom of Yosemite Falls. We climbed the whole way up!

So, as I said last post, I did it. I climbed up to the very top of Yosemite Falls and it was really no small feat: 7.6 miles round trip with an elevation gain of 2500 ft (that’s twice the height of the Empire State Building for those keeping track at home). And let me tell you...I don’t think I’ve had a more physically demanding experience in my life, or a physical demand with such a huge emotional high at the end. Let me chronicle the journey for you.

I got up at 3 AM Friday so I could shower and catch my 6 AM flight. I flew to Reno, where I rented a car. Google maps told me I had a 4.5 hour trip to Yosemite ahead of me. What it didn’t know about this trip is that it would actually be 10 hours due to navigational errors and seasonal road closures I wasn’t aware of, and that I’d get the first speeding ticket since I was 18 (I guess we'll be glad for the 13 year streak…). Sigh. I finally made it to Yosemite Friday at 10 PM, and was frustrated, disgruntled and tired. That all went away, though, when I saw my friend Kristi who I hadn’t seen since our November trip to Disney. It is always so very very great to see her, and was even greater when I learned some exciting personal updates about her life! She and I stayed up until 1 AM chatting and catching up – and yes, for those of you keeping track of the time difference, that is a full 24 hours of being awake for me. That’s really not the way I roll (I get 7 hrs of sleep/night like clockwork). It was a small price to pay to see Kristi and to have arrived in such a beautiful place (even though I could not tell it was beautiful under cover of darkness!).

The next morning I woke up at 7:30 AM. The good thing about being so tired was that I acclimated to Pacific time from central with no problem! Kristi and I got a slow start – eating a big breakfast, making sure to pack a healthy lunch and a lot of snacks for our hike, checking out the visitor’s center, seeing Yosemite Falls from the ground – before we finally started up the trail around 12:30. The hike was supposed to take 6-8 hours, so we all figured we’d be fine and back on the ground by sunset around 8 PM. And I would be remiss if I did not mention that the weather was perfect -- very slightly overcast with a high of around 60-65. PERFECT weather to be outside.

An overview of the trail. 135+ switchbacks. 7.6 miles roundtrip. ~2600 ft elevation gain.

When the hike started, I had serious serious stomach issues. I was not feeling well AT ALL and was not even sure the hike was a good idea because I felt so badly. I knew deep down that I would regret it if I did not at least TRY the hike so I decided to go despite stabbing stomach pains. About ¼ - ½ mile into the hike let’s just say the spirit moved in a major way (TMI) and I was feeling a whole lot better. I was glad that I had decided to press on and was now sure that I would make it up the mountain. A little bit later we stopped for lunch. I had the first PBJ I’d had in probably 3-4 years and wow it was great! I also had some fruit and a string cheese, and then we soldiered on up the mountain. The first 1-2 miles were not that bad. Some switchbacks, yes, but the rocks weren't slippery or unstable feeling, and I was grateful for whoever had constructed such a cool trail to the top. We made it to an overlook and I was feeling pretty good. I definitely wasn’t fast, but I thought “I’ve so got this.”

Us at the first big outlook. It is after the first set of switchbacks. A lot of people quit the trail here, but not us!! Great view of Half Dome in the background.

We then hit an odd part of the trail that took us downhill for like ¼ mile. For anyone trying to reach the top of anything (mountain, waterfall, whatever), you know that extended stretches of downhill are not good when your goal is to go uphill. Finally, though, we started to go uphill again. This is where things got bad.

The last part of Upper Yosemite Falls trail is steep, long, and has lots of slippery, unstable rocks. My psoas was spasming with nearly every step I took. It hurt so so badly.

…and this stretch of the trail was where I learned I was not in as good a shape as I thought I was and that my friend Kristi may truly be the most patient person on the planet. I googled it and found that there are more than 135 switchbacks to the top of the falls. I started off able to do 2-3 switchbacks before needing a break. It got to the point where I would need to rest once or twice EACH switchback. Kristi never got annoyed or impatient, and was incredibly encouraging. It was incredible. Although I seriously (and I mean it literally and not for dramatic effect) considered turning back twice, I didn't. And it was due in no small part to Kristi's encouragement. She is such a great friend and was so kind to be so helpful and patient.

This might give you an idea how steep and rocky the trail was. But probably not -- I think you have to see it to believe it.

Finally we made it to the top. And would you believe I did not get a single picture? I am virtually certain we had some taken, but I think the camera was switched to the wrong setting because I'll be darned if I didn't get to the bottom and learn that we had no pictures. So so sad.

But I will never forget it at the top. To actually get to the overlook you had to go over these extremely scary stairs (with no guard rail) cut out of the side of a rock face. Despite my exhaustion and fear of heights, I DID IT and Kristi and I enjoyed a beautiful dinner at the top around 5:30. We enjoyed it and I almost cried because I was so proud of myself. It was a full circle moment to have made it to the top of the falls; the fact that I used to not be able to climb a single flight of stairs without getting winded certainly wasn't lost on me.

Scary scary stairs to get to the overlook -- yes, you had to go downhill after climbing and climbing uphill. Crazy. But serious gratitude and props to those who made this trail and these stairs!!!

The way back down? I thought it would be a lot easier than it was. And I definitely thought it would be a lot faster than the way up. I will say this: it killed my knees and we didn't make it to the bottom until 9:30. Fortunately I had bought a headlamp and I had it with me because, even with the headlamp, it was one of the scariest things I'd done in my life. However, we made it unscathed and I was so so proud.

View from the top of the Falls. Yes, I stole this picture from someone online (as I did with the pictures of the trail and the stairs).

And more than being proud I was sore. My psoas was killing me (the uphills). My hamstrings killed me (the uphills). My quads killed me (the downhills). My knees killed me (the downhills). My back was killing me (the stress and exhaustion and the fact that I just have back problems). It. was. rough.

I thought I would be ravenous but honestly I just wanted to go to stretch and go to bed. I did have some pizza, but only two or three pieces -- my body just was not up for more, despite the fact that I'd done 9 hours of hiking. I thought I'd go to bed and sleep for 12 hours; however, I just slept for 7. I guess that's all my body wanted/needed. Strange.

I will say that this is the toughest thing I think I've ever done physically. I felt pushed to and past my limits. Though I wanted to die at times, I made it. And it was sooo worth it. I won't forget it. It makes me want to get in shape and be able to breeze up the falls next time -- and I will be SURE to get a picture before I leave :)

I did it

2011-05-23T08:07:00.000-07:00

I used to not be able to walk up one flight of stairs without getting winded. Saturday, I walked up to the top of Yosemite Falls, which took 4 miles, 5 hours, 2 meltdowns, and 64 oz of water (and I wished I had had more). I was so exhausted and am still sore. But most of all? I'm proud. And humbled, because I am not in the shape I thought. But it was great. I will post more details and pictures later.

Challenge to Self

2011-05-17T15:13:00.001-07:00

This weekend I am going to Yosemite National Park with a friend from graduate school. I am beyond delighted to see her, and to experience the beauty of one of our national parks. I can barely wait (though you wouldn't know because I haven't had much time to think about packing, getting ready, etc -- although I did order a fold up hiking stick).

My friend lives in California and has been to the park quite a bit. She knows the ins and outs -- she found us a tent cabin to stay in, knows which hikes are good, and so on. I am grateful to utilize her knowledge to help us plan our stay.

She suggested that we do the Upper Yosemite Falls hike. I am very excited about this, but also scared. The coin is always two-sided, right? It sure does seem that way.

Reasons for excitement: obvious. I'm in Yosemite, which is beautiful. I'm with my friend, who I love and don't get to see often. The views from the top of the trail are supposed to be particularly stunning -- as good as Half Dome, but easier to reach.

But I'm also nervous. The hike is 7.8 miles (which is in and of itself is a little challenging but not too bad), and the terrain is steep and rocky. My friend was a varsity collegiate track athlete for a Big 10 school. While I'm in reasonable shape, I am still overweight and carrying the extra pounds will be tough; my friend is literally half my size. I drink a lot and don't want to carry a bunch of heavy water up a mountain. I hate slipping and I have read that the gravel on the trail makes it kind of easy to fall. There's a reasonable chance of rain, making things slipperier and generally more unpleasant. So there are definitely plenty of things to be scared of or nervous about.

I expressed my concern to my friend -- mainly that I would be slower than she was, but that I was in good shape and thought I could make it if she was willing to be patient with me. I told her either way was fine. She responded

Let's give it a shot! We can take it nice and easy and if we don't make it all the way, it's okay. The important part is that we're together enjoying Yosemite this weekend!

First of all, what a great friend! Second of all, she's right.

After all, when will I be in Yosemite again? When will I get this chance to try this hike again? Life is moving on so let's just harness the proverbial bull by the horns and go for it! I will not let life pass me by just because I'm not at my ideal weight or afraid of heights. I will try this daunting task and probably make it to the top, even though it will be hard. If I don't give it a shot, I will regret it. And if I fail miserably? I won't wonder "what if"...and I'll probably have a good story to tell.

So here goes nothing -- Upper Yosemite Falls here I come! I can't wait to share with you how this goes!

It's been a year

2011-05-16T05:44:00.000-07:00

It was around this time last year that I weighed in at 235. It was the lowest I'd been on the WL train thus far (this time around). This weight is also significant in that it was the weight I maintained the first time I lost weight -- more correctly, I stalled out around 229.5, gained a little over Christmas, and maintained at 235 for several months.

This week, I once again weighed in at 235. In this last year, I've been as low as 228.4, as high as 240.4 and have bounced in between these two weights in the 235+/-5 window. Perhaps a classic case of "the more things change, the more they stay the same." So how do I feel about that?

Actually, I don't really know, but I lean more towards feeling good about it than feeling bad. But let's start by getting the negatives out of the way.

I know that for a person who is my height (5'8"), that 235 is not a healthy weight. I know that I still struggle very heavily with compulsive overeating and that there is progress to be made on that front. I feel somewhat frustrated that I'm about 50 lbs heavier than the weight that I think is probably healthy for my body and that it's been an entire year since I've lost weight. That part is sad/frustrating/annoying.

Before I go on -- I must acknowledge that this is NOT a plateau. To me, a plateau is when you're doing everything right (at least to the best of your knowledge) -- exercising, following your food plan, etc -- and the scale isn't moving. The fact that I haven't lost weight is due to my decision to not follow the Weight Watchers program consistently, my not being as diligent about exercise as I have been in the past, and succumbing to the occasional binge. I KNOW what it takes to lose weight, and in the past year I've either done it inconsistently or sometimes not at all. And THAT'S why I haven't lost weight -- not because my body is confused or I'm starving myself or anything like that. I accept responsibility for my decisions, and am working to change the dysfunctional thought patterns that underly those decisions so that I can once again make progress.

However, like I said, the larger part of me is proud/happy/optimistic about what I've done with my weight the past year. I have dealt with depression and a lot of anxiety about my career and future. In the past, food would have been my primary source of comfort to deal with these issues; now I more often turn to friends and to God (although food is always there and still gets abused sometimes). I also have just in the past few months have made several realizations that are critical to my longterm succcess, thanks in large part to OA and a book I'm reading called Made to Crave. The biggest realization is that not only do I not have to do this alone, I really can't do this alone -- I must seek help from God if I am truly to recover from using food as a substitute for strength, love, comfort, and hope. And that fills me with unspeakable optimism.

On a pragmatic note, I must acknowledge that I have gone down a size in the past year despite my weight staying the same. I think this is because I work out and I've converted some fat to muscle. I must also admit that I think this is the first time I've ever maintained a weight for a year. While one might see that as a negative, as someone who has either lost or gained a significant (10+ lbs) of weight each and every year of her adult life, I see a year of maintenance as both extremely significant and extremely positive. A year of maintenance puts me one step closer to stopping the madness of gaining gaining gaining or losing a significant amount of weight each year, and so I am extremely proud of that.

I'll leave you with pictures of me from last year this time at 235 (black shirt) and this year (blue tanktop and bad posture). I see a little bit of a change on the side view and I think my face looks skinnier (more pronounced chin), but other than that they look kind of similar to me. I can, however, assure you that those pants fit much better now which means that even though I may not see it, I know progress is being made.

And yes, that's a calendar year of concerted effort to grow my hair. Curly. hair. grows. so. slowly!!!

The newly found importance of OA in my life

2011-05-09T18:57:00.000-07:00

One of the things that got crowded out when life got busy was Overeaters Anonymous, OA, where I'd been going for about a month prior to getting so crazy-busy.

I stopped going to OA for a few weeks, not because I don't like or believe in the program but because I chose to do other things on my Saturday morning -- hang out with friends doing scheduled stuff, Zumba, relax. All of these things are perfectly justifiable, especially as self-care when life is pressing on me from all directions and I need to be particularly careful about my mental health. I do not feel badly about doing any of them.

However, as a result of my absence from the OA program I've realized that -- for me -- OA is going to be something that at the very least will be an ongoing part of my life for the next season. Maybe forever. It is a huge piece in helping me stay sane as far as food is concerned.

I feel like people at OA get me. I love that OA reminds me that I'm not alone in my stuggles with food -- there are not only other people, but most importantly God will and wants to help me with my food. This past weekend, I went to several OA phone meetings (they're free!) and I felt supported and validated and, best of all, that I let go of the compulsions about food. It was fantastic, and I had a great day of eating and activity.

Giving my food and my will about food is something that I'm realizing I must do everyday. It is not a switch that gets flipped; rather it's something like exercise that you must do regularly to derive all the benefits. I am learning this, and learning that I cannot be trusted with food in my own strength is something that is simultaneously very very difficult and humbling to do, yet oddly liberating at the same time.

Stress!!!!

2011-05-09T18:39:00.000-07:00

The end of the semester is usually grueling, but for some reason it seems even more so this semester. I am buried in a stack of grading and just as I make progress on it, it seems that more gets dumped on me. I'm so stressed out.

I've visited the ol' friend of compulsive overeating to help me get through. The busy-ness has also crowded out most of the exercise I'd usually do. After gaining about 10 lbs in about 4 weeks, I feel gross. I feel lethargic and I am starting to feel softer in places that shouldn't be soft, and am losing muscle definition. By all accounts, these things are undesirable.

But do you know what? I realized I am oddly grateful for this. As a result of this, I got to feel how my body shuts down when it's not properly fed or nourished. It's not pretty, and I feel disgusting. It was a great reminder as to why I'm getting healthy. Also, it really reinforced the idea that I am a food addict. Though I am not proud of the title, I think I need reminders sometimes when I feel like "man, I've got this" -- you know, the whole "pride comes before a fall" thing. I have ruined my brain chemistry and neural pathways pathways to not treat food normally (or it genetic, I don't know -- but either way, the result is the same).

Starting yesterday, I said "This is enough." Yesterday and today I have eaten food that honors and nourishes my body; I went for a bike ride yesterday and went to Zumba today. I have worked a whole lot, but I am cutting out TV and excessive internet usage as a way to relax, and instead spending that time on working out. I feel a lot better, even with just 2 days of healthiness under my belt.

I've said it before, and I've said it again: I am a tough broad and I will not give up. This healthiness thing is the way God intended for us to live, and I am going to need to trust Him to help me restore my body to the way he intended for it to work. That starts with giving the body what it needs and deserves both in the form of food and exercise.

My OA experience and Food and God

2011-04-14T16:34:00.000-07:00

I was skeptical about OA prior to going. So skeptical, in fact, that I avoided for a good, long 1.5 years. It's become obvious to me that there are certain bumps in the road -- some I see but cannot avoid -- that have impeded my progress on this journey. I was stuck at 235+/-5 since last May. In that time I've battled depression and been stuck inside for snowstorms and imbibed at Christmas and done all kinds of stuff that impeded my progress -- but I have not made it onward and upward with respect to the weight loss in almost a year.

During the past year it became clear to me that while making healthy choices has become easier, there are sometimes that I still struggle mightily and that I am still addicted to food and probably always will be. There was something mental going on with me -- it wasn't that I had plateau-ed and that my body/metabolism was fighting the weight loss; I was sabotaging my efforts to lose weight and to get healthy. The most frustrating(/sad/infuriating) part is that I could not completely figure out why, leaving me flummoxed.

I completely bought into the addict aspect of the OA program. Although my binges had become increasingly infrequent, they still happened on occasion. Although I have a healthier relationship with food, it was by no means a normal or functional one -- I still obsessed over food way too much. However, I refused to believe that I was "powerless" over food. Was I not maintaining the weight? I was. Had I not lost 60-70 lbs? I had. I was not powerless; I felt I COULD win over food.

That's not to say I'm not proud of maintaining; I am. It's also not to say I'm not stronger/smaller/more toned; I am. But, I have not been losing any significant weight and that is frustrating but a natural consequence of the actions I've made with respect to the food I've used to fuel my body.

I finally reached the end of the rope and, in response to HW given to me by my therapist, went to OA. The folks at OA helped me to reframe the "powerless over food" phrase into something that I can not only tolerate but into something that I love and has revolutionized my healthiness journey. Being powerless over food doesn't mean that food wins, it means that I'm not in control over food but that I can rely on a higher power (I believe in God, so I'll use the term God from now on) to help me with food and to be my strength when I am weak. This is not at all the same as my original interpretation of the meaning of being "powerless over food"; it is actually a great thing to be able to rely on someone more powerful than you to help you with something you struggle so much with, not a bad thing or conceding defeat to food.

It is funny, I always thought asking God to help me with food was too small -- something He could not possibly care about. I felt embarrassed and ashamed to ask for His help with making smart decisions. Finally, I decided "What do I have to lose? I'll give this a try". The first day I basically prayed and said, "God, I am giving my food to you today. Please help me to make wise choices." I felt silly and honestly a little ashamed, but I did it.

That day was so easy. I felt a peace about food I have not felt in a long time -- no obsessing between meals, no feeling chained to my phone to track everything on my WW app ASAP. I also didn't go to the other extreme of not wanting to track anything due either to malaise or guilt because of "bad" food I was eating, no wanting to eat more of something when I was full. I would imagine that is what it is like to have a "normal" attitude toward food. I have always wondered but never really experienced that (in case you haven't noticed, moderation really isn't my strong suit).

Now each morning I give my food to God as part of my daily morning ritual. I spend some time praying and focusing specifically on the food. I just don't obsess about food every moment of the day anymore (we're going on 3 weeks here...). It is so great. And, although it is not the point of OA, feeling at peace with my food has helped me to stay on WW and I've lost about 8 lbs since I started. I was out of town for 4 days at the beginning of the week -- I ate out the whole week basically -- and I still lost 1.5 lbs. Insane, and uncharted territory for me.

If I have learned nothing else from OA, it is that I can turn my food over to God and He will help me with it. I also realized that while I consider food something "small" or insignificant, it's really not to me -- to me it is paramount and has caused me all sorts of trouble and for that reason if no other, I can and should turn it over to God. Clearly He can help me with my food better than I can in my own strength.

Picture and the Big Picture

2011-04-08T12:01:00.000-07:00

I've been on this journey approaching 2 years now. Sometimes I forget the big picture. I know I'm worlds healthier than when I started. I know that I am both smaller and more in shape...but sometimes I forget how far I've come.

When I think about it hard, I remember some things -- that I used to get winded walking up the hill in front of the building where I work, that I could barely fit in airplane seats and seats at the old movie theatre, that I'd be out of breath walking up a flight of stairs -- but honestly, I think I've blocked a lot of it out. I also think that part of this is due to the HEAVY denial that I was in for such a long time. Even when I weighed 300 lbs, I think that I thought I looked good and was not that fat. I was lying to myself only.

Anyway, I forget how far I've come sometimes. Then someone sends me a picture like this...one that I don't even think I realized anyone was taking...

...and I remember. Wow, I don't want to go back.

The last few weeks...

2011-04-08T11:44:00.000-07:00

I got an e-mail from a friend a couple days ago telling me I had been quiet (as in, not updating my blog) and asking me how things were going.

I am so so glad to say things are going well. There are several things that I am sure are playing into this. I'd say this boils down to four main reasons why things are going so well.

The OA program has really helped me. I will write more about this in a future post but for now I will say that if you suffer from compulsive eating, I'd absolutely recommend giving OA a try. For me it has worked wonders. I am excited to share more about this.
The doctor has upped the dosage of meds. While I'm not excited about this, per se, I am glad that I seem to be feeling better and that this upped dosage seems to be working in concert with the other changes I'm making and actions I am taking to change my life.
I have started therapy again. One of the therapist's suggestions was that I really regiment my time via a strict schedule. While I initially hated/resisted this idea, it has revolutionized the way that I keep track of time and has been wonderful for my productivity. And, being productive helps me to feel good about myself.
I rely on my real life friends when things are tough. I actually have a social life and I actually have people who understand me and disordered eating who live in the area. I am so grateful to be able to call on them when I need to, in stark contrast to my first several years here. I'm. so. very. grateful.

In the last few weeks I've lost 6 pounds. While I am of course happy to have the scale headed in a direction I like again, there are other things that I'm even happier about. I'm happy that I've really committed whole heartedly to WW -- not because WW is in and of itself amazing, but because more importantly I've wholly recommitted myself to being accountable for my actions in the form of tracking my food. I am thrilled I have obsessive thoughts about food FAR less than I have in a long time. And, best of all, I am feeling happy and content not just about food but about life and the direction I'm headed. Fantastic, and a great change.

Update

2011-03-27T13:00:00.000-07:00

Posting here has been pretty sparse, for a few different reasons. First of all I've just been engaged in living real life -- life that doesn't just happen on the internet. It is so nice to have friends here to engage with; I am so grateful. Second, things have just been crazy here -- and not the good kind of crazy either.

My mental health has been tenuous at best for awhile. Depression is something I deal with, and when I am depressed I still often want to turn to food to help deal with the emotion and sadness. I fight very hard against this, but sometimes I give up on the food side of things. Now by giving up, I don't necessarily mean "I am going to eat this whole carton of (insert binge food of choice) and I don't give a shit!" (though I have done that a couple times in the last few weeks). I do, however, mean "Dealing with the food and tracking it and obsessing about it is too much to handle right now so I will try to make mostly responsible choices on my own." Well, apparently I either let the leash get too loose, or lost my sense of what was a responsible choice is or SOMETHING, because I was up about 12 lbs in the span of about 5 weeks. This week I tracked 6 days and lost 4 lbs, so that was a victory. Today started out rough, though, signaling that something in my brain/consciousness is not quite to where it needs to be yet. I will get there though, one day and decision at a time.

I have made the decision to get back into therapy. I really fought this idea hard, but I am absolutely convinced I need to be in therapy for now. The first session really sucked, but, again, I think I need to be there for now. I am optimistic that I will be able to fix my destructive negative self-talk and being so hard on myself. I am also convinced, though, that it will be difficult and is likely to cut into some very deep and painful places that I don't really want to go. But, for the sake of my mental health and long-term well-being, I will go there.

One of the things my therapist told me I needed to do was to identify a support mechanism for healthy living (I hate to just term this life transformation I'm on as "weight loss", as the weight is but a symptom of the underlying problem of disordered thoughts and behaviors about food).

I have written before about how I've considered joining Overeaters Anonymous. I finally decided this week to go -- and I was very surprised (in a good way) at what I found. I will have to write a separate post to sum up my experience. However, I will say that that the meeting I attended was great, and that I identified with pretty much everything everyone said. It was cool/odd/great to feel understood in a way that I never really have with respect to my disordered eating. I think that at least for now it is exactly where I need to be -- I will definitely keep going!

Community and Friends

2011-03-27T12:46:00.000-07:00

I have written posts lamenting my lack of friends and posting what a hard time I had transitioning to life in Arkansas and as a real adult. I am pleased to announce that I finally have friends here! Real, genuine, we actually have a lot in common, I'll be there for you and you'll be there for me friends! What a blessing.

It is funny, I had myself convinced there for awhile that I "didn't need friends" and that I "was independent and liked to do stuff without having to please others" and that being alone "allowed me freedom that I didn't want to give up". And, while there are shreds of truth in the last two statements at least, they're mostly lies and coping mechanisms that helped me to feel better. I can assure you that having friends is so much better than not having them.

I think people were designed to be in community. My therapist has even told me that I am someone who functions better in relationships than out of them (not the romantic variety, just relationships in general). He is right. I need friends and am so glad that I have some now.

I am grateful for friends who accept me for who I am -- an emotional overeater, someone who is caring and thoughtful, someone who deals with depression, a professor, someone who can be compulsive, someone who is successful and intellegent, someone who is passionate, someone who is pretty liberal and has a gay brother. They take the good with the bad, and don't try to "fix" me or judge me or convince me that I'm wrong if they disagree. I think I do the same for them -- 'cause that's what friends do. I am so grateful to have them in my lives, adding to and enhancing my existing network of friends who I don't live near anymore. I felt I owed you guys an update on that since I shared the bad with you on that one, and now I have good news to share :)

What's the real issue here?

2011-03-10T10:40:00.000-08:00

This week -- especially the first part of the week -- has been one of the roughest I can remember. Today I mostly just feel numb. I got almost nothing done this morning! Very frustrating, especially since productivity is largely at the crux of the issue.

I did so well tracking, packing my lunches for the first part of the week. Last night, I just felt tired so I ordered a pizza. Was I craving pizza? Yes. Was it a conscious decision to order it? Yes. Now I don't believe any food is inherently "bad" or to be avoided completely, but was it right to eat the whole thing? No. Was it right to mix sugar with cream cheese and vanilla and eat it out of the bowl after I ate a whole medium pizza? Double no.

Then this morning, I felt really guilty about it. Ugh. But here's the thing -- for me, it's not about the food. It's about the hopelessness and exhaustion I feel sometimes. It's about feeling like I have "earned" less healthy food in copious amounts, and using food as a reward. That is unhealthy, and although I do it WAY less often than I did at almost 300 lbs, it is something that I still struggle with. I just realized in writing this post, though, that instead of focusing on controlling what I eat, I need to recognize that I really need to deal with the anxiety and stress and sadness that cause me to overeat. It is so much easier to slay the emotional eating monster when one is level-headed.

It is not about the foods, it's about about the feelings. I need to remember and focus on that. This mental health thing -- so easy to describe, so hard to handle sometimes. The good thing is that it is getting easier to recognize what is me vs. what is mental illness or depression. This week on Tuesday, for example, I thought I was really going to just collapse from the weight of all that is bearing down on me in a particular issue that's been going on. I wanted to stay home. I wanted to cry and eat all day. I wanted to be completely reclusive and avoid seeing anyone after work. Instead I went to work and bowling with friends afterwards (even though I didn't actually even bowl since my back was hurting; another reaction to stress). Going out and being social wasn't what I wanted, but it was probably what I needed. I recognized that it was the seeds of depression that made me want to do counterproductive things, and so I stepped in and seized control. I am able to do that more and more (hence, the ability to lose weight), but it is still not reflexive and is sometimes quite difficult. Like today, for example.

I am a work in progress and am not giving up. And I'm about to go get a healthy option for lunch, so take that emotional overeating!

Not Much to Say

2011-03-03T17:56:00.000-08:00

I feel like I am going in fits and starts lately, and I do not like it. Things at work have been insane. That means things in the rest of my life have been insane too. Thankfully, one of the big reasons for the insanity is (mostly) over.

We are interviewing people for a position where I work. I remember when I was in the shoes of the candidates. Here is how it works for an academic interview: they wine and dine you. I remember going to super-swanky restaurants each night I interviewed. I mean we're talking the $25-40/plate type restaurants -- and that's before the appetizers and desserts which inevitably are ordered. Plus, about 50% of the time people order booze too. Being on the search committee, you go to dinner with each of the candidates. You do the math.

Last week we also had lots of other abnormal work-engagements -- most of which came with free lunch. Also there were tons of cookies around during the interviews. And let's not forget that the Girl Scout cookies I ordered came in.

Can one make good choices at these events and surrounded by cookies? Absolutely. Remember, I reached a new low during a week with four Christmas parties. Can one make good choices in this environment while feeling physically and emotionally drained? Maybe, but I will just admit that I didn't.

I feel stuck. I feel drained. I feel frustrated. I reached a new low and am now back up to 235 -- this past weekend I was even up to 238! I have been giving WW a half-hearted attempt AT BEST, but really I am just trying not to lose ground. I feel mentally off a little bit and am paying extra attention to my mental health these days.

While I don't think that feeling off is a license to go all out and chuck healthy eating out the window, I think that for me for now keeping mentally healthy is more important than focusing on WL. The two are actually very fundamentally linked for me. You may remember that this summer my blahness about WL actually caused me to seek help from a therapist where I was diagnosed with a raging case of depression.

I need to find a healthy balance of keeping my nose to the grindstone so I can make progress for work, but not grinding my nose off to spite my face. Balance is so tricky, you know?

So that is where I have been -- I don't want to be one of those "I am going to do so awesome because today is DAY ONE!" "Oh, I really messed up again yesterday guys -- oops -- so I'm turning over a new leaf. Today is DAY ONE!!!" bloggers, so I just took a bye on updating my blog for awhile. Not to mention, life is crazy busy. Thanks to my mom for checking in on me. There are unexpected bumps in the road for this healthiness blogger. I will stay the course though, even if I have to wear a helmet and take this healthy living train offroad for awhile. I WILL NOT GIVE UP.

Good Riddance Snow!

2011-02-13T20:19:00.001-08:00

(L) My car buried in about 2.5 ft of snow after a historic snowfall. The snow was almost up to the top of the doors of my Honda Civic.

(R) After 1 hr, I freed my car with the help of 2 guys, 2 girls, 1 cookie sheet, 2 brooms, windwhield de-icer, a snow shovel, a Nissan XTerra, a tow strap, and a Chevy Silverado. Success!

I am over this snow. It was nice to have a bit of a break from school (we have had 6 or 7 days of school cancelled which is insane a) for Arkansas b) for a university), but I am so over this. SO. OVER. IT!

Today it was 70 so I was able to go for a bit of a bike ride. It was so nice, and for an Ohio girl quite odd to have a day of biking just a couple days after having 24" of snow dumped on us this week. Arkansas is just not equipped to handle this kind of weather and neither am I after having lived here for a few years. But I digress...the biking weather this weekend was lovely.

Having missed so much school and being stuck in my house for days on end has severely messed with my routine. That is, there hasn't been one. I also noticed today that it has messed with my body too. Because I have not been able to go to the gym that much and have not been disciplined about doing exercise at home, I think I have lost a slight bit of definition in my arms. I also realized today that I don't do much explicitly to workout my lower body these days -- I think the closest thing is the spin class I do on Tuesdays (when I'm not stuck in my house due to snow...). I really need to pick up my strength training/toning game because it helps me to feel better about myself and stronger. Also I am sure there is some truth to the metabolic benefits of being more muscly than fatty.

This week as I re-establish some sort of routine (no chance of snow this week -- thank goodness), I am going to be intentional about getting a well-rounded workout schedule. I want to incorporate a couple days of cardio, some good strength training/toning, and it is critical for my back that I am intentional about stretching and yoga.

What do you guys do to workout? (i.e., how much strength training vs. cardio? what types of exercise do you do) Any suggestions for me? I'm willing to spend an hour a day, 6x/week and I want to make sure I get a total body workout over the course of a week.

Brilliant Quote and Realization

2011-02-11T06:05:00.001-08:00

I am not sure how exactly it fits into this healthiness journey, but I know it does. I heard it today in an interview with Elle, who is a healthiness blogger too as she talked about life as a single lady. The quote is:

I choose not to be defined by what I don't have.

That's deep, right?!

Maybe this is the way it relates to getting healthy. I'm not to goal yet. I am not able to make wise decisions in 100% of situations yet. I'm not perfect. But yet, I shouldn't choose to be defined by that. I make good decisions much of the time. I have lost about 70 lbs. I am WORLDS healthier than I was when I started. I won't choose to be defined by what I'm not, I will choose to be defined by what I am and who I am becoming. Thanks for the realization Elle!

Snow 2.0

2011-02-10T12:20:00.001-08:00

OMG it snowed almost 2 feet here yesterday. This is certainly not what I had in mind when I moved from Michigan to Arkansas! School has been cancelled for the last two days, which means I have been stuck inside. AGAIN. We all know how that went last week.

On the one hand, I was/am kind of annoyed to have to face such a hard challenge again. As I reflect on it, though, this is a second chance to make up for what I did wrong last time. I can prove to myself that I CAN do this. I am stronger than food.

My goal for the time I was stuck inside was to track my food. Even if it was bad, I would track it as a way to be accountable for my decisions.

So how have I done? Pretty well overall. I did not meet my goal of tracking -- I stopped on the first day. However, I have done really well on my water intake, I have not made any sweets, and have eaten really healthfully and mindfully. I've probably eaten more than I would on a "normal" day, but I realized something from last time's experience. A lot of times for me those "I want (unhealthy food of choice...)" thoughts are actually hunger that my body is manifesting in an odd way. Instead of satisfying that hunger with (unhealthy food of choice...), it can often be met another related, more healthy way. For example, instead of making cookies I can eat a sweet piece of fruit. If the craving is more high in fat/salt content, I can have cottage cheese or reduced fat cheese. I usually feel satisfied and the craving goes away -- because my hunger has been satisfied. Also I find it so much easier to stop eating fruit when I am satisfied than I usually do with (unhealthy food of choice...) -- mostly because I rarely keep unhealthy choices around so I feel like they are going to disappear on me and I gobble them up like a possessed mad woman. Odd/dysfunctional thinking, but something deeply engrained and that I am working to change.

As a result of this realization -- that cravings are really hunger in disguise -- I have been vigilant about making sure I stay satisfied and not very hungry which helps me avoid strong cravings and, as a result, binges. I am pleased with this strategy, and we will see how it works out for me at this week's weigh in. Regardless, it is so good for my psyche to have made it through this snowstorm without a binge or monumentally unhealthy choices.

Small Veins

2011-02-10T12:03:00.000-08:00

On Monday I went to go donate blood. We have been slammed with snow (well at least for our area) and so the area is very low on blood donations since a lot of the blood drives that were scheduled have had to be cancelled due to weather.

I have only donated blood once in my life and it was a horrible experience. Every time I squeezed the little ball, it jutted into my vein and I swore I would never donate blood again. I have kept my word since this awful experience in 1997.

The blood shortage, however, made me reconsider. After all, giving blood is the right thing to do. I sucked it up and decided to do it.

An aside -- I've been big pretty much all my life. I was 8 lb. 10 oz. when born. I have always had big boobs (I used to be an H cup - did you even know those existed?). Even when I was relatively skinny, I was considered "big boned" -- and I weighed 195 and looked very height/weight proportional. The other day at the eye doctor, I was even told I had big pupils (? - apparently, this is a sign of "youth and beauty" per the eye doctor after I was like "oh great, one more thing to be self conscious about!"). I wear size 11 shoes. I have always been big. Virtually everything about me. I don't consider it a bad thing necessarily, but there is little denying that it is true: I'm big.

Back to the story - the nurse who was taking the donation poked around my right arm with her finger and said "Hmm, let's try the other arm". After feeling around on my left arm, she's like "Let's go with the first one". Now, I was about to go crazy and jump out of my skin realizing that this was going to make it hard and perhaps painful to get a good stick but I kept thinking -- "You are strong! You can do this!" and was not going to give up. People need blood, and I believe I am one of the types that is badly needed in the area (A-).

It ended up not being terrible (it wasn't great either, but it was nowhere near as bad as the first time), but it was so funny that after the donation was going the nurse made a point to tell me what small veins I have. For someone who doesn't have small anything, it is ironic that I have small veins.

Pareto Principle

2011-02-05T09:03:00.000-08:00

Do you know what the Pareto Princip le is? This is something very fundamental that we teach students in my field. Basically, it says that 80% of your problems are caused by 20% of your situations (or more generally, k% of your problems are caused by 100-k% of your situations). I am finding that this is so true on the WL/life change front.

This week we had a very not great weather week. School was cancelled 3 of the 5 days, and the roads were impassable. Friday I decided to work from home as the roads were still not good and nothing I needed to do required me to be at the office. Hence, I was stuck in the house almost all week.

During this time, I gained 8 lbs. EIGHT FREAKING POUNDS!!

It is funny. Sometimes I really think I've got the whole healthy living thing down. It feels easy and natural. I can go to a party, have lots of unhealthy choices, and have thought about how I am going to handle it, and make the choices I am comfortable with -- either a calculated splurge, or making the best choices available to me. I feel like a rock star.

Other times, such as this snowstorm and Christmas break, not so much. These uncommon (and/or unplanned) situations fall into the 20%(or less) of situations which cause me 80% of the damage on my WL/healthiness journey. I wonder "Why?"

Well, four days of not leaving the house will leave a girl with plenty of time to ponder such questions. Here are the things I can think of.

Feeling trapped and cold makes me crave comfort food. I tell you, I really don't even keep anything unhealthy or trigger-food-ish in my house. However, during the break I found a way to eat unhealthy stuff. I made pecan sandies and pumpkin cookies with cream cheese frosting. Sure enough, I ate the whole freaking batch each time I made something. This was no small task, actually. Finding stuff to make required me to spend a significant amount of time browsing allrecipes for something that was simultaneously delicious (and unhealthy) sounding, and that I had all of the ingredients for which was quite tough given my very limited supply of unhealthy stuff (I think sugar and butter are probably the "worst" thing around). Sigh. I guess we can call that a "premeditated binge" and a case of "old habits die so hard".
The idle mind is the devil's playground. Without the usual routine and distractions, it left me plenty of time to do what I wanted -- and to think about what I wanted. More often than not, that was food. Sigh.
Willpower can only carry you so far. I find that when I talk myself up for something, I can usually last 24-48 hours. I was good on tracking and drinking water for the first day of the snowstorm. After that, it was significantly downhill. I find the same thing on vacation. After the expiration of the 24 hour willpower window, I basically do what I want. Sometimes that is the "right" thing. Sometimes, it's not (see bullet one).

Yes, the Pareto principle. While I am so proud of myself and convinced to maintain the changes and healthy decisions I typically make in day to day life, I find that I want to continue to change my life and move to the 90-10% or 95-5% rule. I am glad that many of my routines involve making the right choices, but if I want to truly be tranformed I need to find a better way to manage the atypical situations and circumstances that are still tough for me.

It is great that, per the title of my blog, I'm realizing that food doesn't define me about 80% of the time. The truth is, though, that I don't want food to define me, ever. I want to define me and not be captive to food. I'm not there yet.

Now Entering VFT

2011-01-25T04:41:00.000-08:00

The end of last week was not great. The day of the big snowstorm I went crazy with my eating (to the tune of four grilled cheese sandwiches; oops) in the morning and then got it all together for the afternoon. However, I didn't track for WW the rest of the week. I ended up losing the 1.8 lbs from the week before, but not really making any huge progress.

This week I am back firmly on plan, and I am happy to report that I am not only back to my lowest weight as an adult for the first time since before Christmas, as of this morning I am entering VFT. I forgot where I read this (it was some blog), but that stands for virgin fat territory -- uncharted ground that I haven't been at since I passed it (once) on the way up. This morning I was at 228.4. I can barely believe it. Time to keep the momentum going!

Struggling

2011-01-20T07:47:00.001-08:00

School is cancelled because the weather sucks. I am stuck in the house. I want to eat eat eat -- something warm and cozy. I will fight this thought and try to do something else to take my mind off of food!!!

Enjoying Food and Spaghetti Squash recipe

2011-01-17T18:23:00.001-08:00

Today I realized that I enjoy food so much more now than when I weighed 300 lbs and ate a ton more of it. It is very counterintuitive.

I now enjoy cooking and trying new things. I did not do this as often when I was bigger -- I had the old standbys, and I valued quantity and the escapist value of food far more than savoring the food I was eating and the creativity and health benefits of enjoying the food I was eating.

Today I made a new dish and got to try spaghetti squash for the first time. It was amazing. I don't have photos and they wouldn't look that great even if I did -- but trust me, this recipe is really good.

Ingredients

Spaghetti squash

A couple cloves of garlic

Onion, tomato, red peppers -- whatever veggies you have on hand, really

Bit of olive oil to sauté veggies

1-2 oz fresh parmesan cheese

Handful of basil

2 T capers

2 lemons

Cut the spaghetti squash in half and clean out the seeds. Place the spaghetti squash rind side up on a greased cookie sheet and bake it at 375 F. You should cook it until a sharp knife can easily pierce the skin. The time will vary, but for me it took about 40-45 min. While the squash is baking, cut up the veggies and mince the garlic. Sauté the garlic and sauté-able veggies (onions, peppers, etc). If you use tomatoes, toss them in toward the end so they can just get warm and barely cooked and not turn saucy. Set the vegetables aside. In a separate bowl, combine the capers, finely chopped basil, and the two lemons you have juiced. You can also shred the parmesan into the mixture, but you may choose to wait on this.

Once the spaghetti squash is finished cooking, take it out of the oven and let it cool until you can easily pick it up. Once you can pick it up, scoop the "guts" out with a spoon. The meat of the squash is fine little cylinders like angel hair pasta (hence the name). Add the cooked veggies and lemon/caper/basil mixture and stir well. You can either scoop into a bowl and then grate the parmesan on top or mix the parmesan in (but it will blend in and kind of melt if all of the veggies and the squash is too hot, which you may want to avoid for aesthetic reasons). Then enjoy it!

It tastes so good, but is so low in calories that you will likely need a big serving to stay full. I ate about 1/3 of the recipe that I made with 2c milk, a grapefruit, and a banana and was starving by 2 PM. I had a string cheese but couldn't shake the hunger and had to finally eat dinner at 3:30. I enjoyed this lunch immensely but in the future will probably find a way to eat more protein to stay fuller so I am not famished so quickly after eating it.

Disappointing Weigh In

2011-01-17T05:44:00.000-08:00

This was the first week I can remember thinking "Man, this weigh in is crap!" about a weigh in in light of my performance. There have been plenty of weeks where I haven't lost or have gained, but I usually think they're justified in light of what I've eaten or how much I have exercised. This week, I don't feel like that. I tracked everything. I exercised 4 times this week (fewer than usual, but still not bad). And, I gained 1.8 lbs this week.

Although I am miffed (and confused), I press on. Not sure what is going on with my body, but this is exactly why I don't do time-based weight goals. I can only control my behavior, not the scale so I will continue to focus on what's in my control and hope that my body follows.

Perhaps this is related to the "free" fruit, which I eat liberally. Anyone know whether there are really functional limits to how many of those one should eat?

Addiction

2011-01-13T10:15:00.000-08:00

I have written before about how I consider myself a food addict. My behavior over Christmas break -- how easily I returned to binge eating and how oddly cathartic (yet disgusting) it felt -- seems to add credence to the mountain of evidence that I am a food addict.

While I usually feel in control over my behavior, sometimes I really don't. Sometimes it is as though I have no control over my decisions and I am just executing some primal, instinctual desire to eat that I have no control over. And for those of you who haven't experienced it? It is a mix of comforting, terrifying, and is without a doubt shameful to feel like you're a robot executing lines of code demanding that you eat everything within sight.

For this reason, I have looked into joining Overeaters Anonymous. Their #1 tenet is "We admitted that we were powerless over food and that our lives had become unmanageable."

Back in the day, I would have believed this. I absolutely felt powerless and hopeless about food. My life WAS unmanageable. Now that I've been in "recovery" for awhile, I no longer feel this way. I still make mistakes. I still have missteps. I'm by no means perfect.

But I am also not a victim. I do not feel powerless, or believe that I am. I am stronger than food.

However, I am aware that with the history that I have and the deeply-engrained (unhealthy) relationship with food that I have worked to change, that I cannot get too cocky and that I'm not above regaining all of the weight back. I want to form some sort of support structure to help support me when I slip and fall. I am not sure what this would look like. I had considered OA because this is what I thought they could help me to do. Since I disagree with their fundamental premise, however, I am not sure that I could join their group.

For you losers/maintainers out there, what are your thoughts and how do you find support? Has anyone tried OA?

Please Allow me to Vent for a Hot Second...

2011-01-13T09:53:00.000-08:00

In light of the new year and resolutions and all, much of the world seems to be in a tizzy about losing weight. On the one hand, it is nice to feel some momentum as a result of the increased WW commercials, supermarket endcaps featuring more healthy items, etc. On the other hand, it makes me sad to see how much of WL is grounded in lies and gimmicks -- things I don't think are healthy and/or sustainable. For example, the thought of the Special K diet makes me cringe and I don't think you can convince me it's healthy (or for most of us realistic) to lose 41 lbs in a week, even if you're surrounded by a team of doctors on the Biggest Loser.

More fundamentally, it bothers me when the focus is on WL not health. Admittedly, it is not healthy to be morbidly obese or 230 lbs at 5'8"; however, I think there are unhealthy people who fall into the "normal" weight category too. I am working very hard to focus on my health, and to view weight as a small piece of what it means to be healthy.

Do I have a number I'd like to see on the scale at "goal"? Kind of. I know I would like to be less than 200, probably around 160-180. I don't have a magic number, and I'm not under the illusion that once I get to some number that life will be butterflies and rainbows.

More important than any number to me is that I am healthy. Being healthy means that I want to be able to manage/prevent my back pain (which almost certainly will continue to improve as I lose weight and do yoga regularly). Being healthy means I don't want to have to takeblood pressure medicine anymore (have been off it for a few months, and doing fine). Being healthy means being able to do most any physical activity without dying (exception: running, deadlifts and other things that hurt my back -- but I want to be able to walk up a mountain or several flights of stairs without getting too winded).

Another critical piece to me is mental health -- keeping aware of how I'm feeling. This is especially a challenge with respect to how I view food, as I feel that many who are successful at WL replace an obsession for compulsive eating with an obsession over counting calories, eating healthily, etc. I do not want to obsess over food OR eating healthily: I want to relegate food to the background while placing relationships and experiences at the forefront of life. This is what motivates the title of my blog; food has been front and center for almost 20 years of my 31 years on the earth -- that MUST stop (and, to a large degree, is).

Losing weight is one step in my getting healthy. Admittedly, it is one that people focus on because it is measurable and comes with many aesthetic benefits. However, I am focusing on getting healthy and viewing weight as a small piece of that. While it is not trivial, it is one of the easier pieces of health for me to control. The mind games, at least for me, are so much harder and more important -- after all, they are what help to dictate to what degree I am successful at controlling what I eat.

Obsession, Revisited

2011-01-09T10:38:00.000-08:00

I wrote last year about how I felt that WW and food tracking had taken over my life for awhile, and led to an unnatural and unhealthy obsession with food, weight, tracking, measuring, the program, etc. When that happened, I went off WW -- not quitting the healthy living thing, just the tracking, etc. -- for awhile to regain a sense of balance. For about 6 months I maintained in a 10 lb. window (235 +/- 5 lbs).

This weekend I realized why I was obsessed with food and tracking during that time: I was hungry. Honestly. My body was whispering that to me, but I could not figure it out at the time. I finally figured that out this morning.

For the majority of my time on WW (maybe even all of it), I have embraced eating about 70-80% of my food and what I cook from natural, unprocessed sources (though I probably eat out too much). Since I've been on WW, I've almost always chosen the apple or orange over a 100 calorie pack, and I ate eggs for breakfast and drank milk and was vigilant about making sure I had protein at every meal even when they were proportionally more "expensive" points-wise. In retrospect, the old WW system did not really reward this kind of eating and that led to my being hungry. And that hunger led to an unhealthy obsession with food. And THAT is what I could not deal with, even though I did not realize until this very morning that the reason why was that I was hungry.

I love that fruits are "free" now on the new WW PointsPlus plan. I eat probably 4-6 servings of fruit and 2-4 servings of vegetables a day. I love that eggs and milk stayed the same number of points, while my daily points allowance increased. I love that the way that I approach food and the way that WW approaches food are now aligned. I feel so validated.

But most of all? I love that I don't feel restricted by my eating, that the program is working (lost 5.8 lbs this week while tracking everything, and eating pizza and burgers and having dinner at the Olive Garden and Panera), that I am not hungry, and that I am not obsessed with the WW program or with food choices, but that they are just a part of what I do and have assumed a supporting role, not front and center in my life. This is so huge for me. A huge step in having food not define me. A huge step toward being in control.

I am making progress. I am proud.

Retro WW Experiment

2011-01-09T10:26:00.000-08:00

I have written before about how much I loved my grandma (who I called Mema). She too struggled with her weight, and spent much of her life on WW.

Recently I have discovered a very ~~cool~~ ~~gross~~ cool blog where a girl is living the original circa 1972 WW plan. ~~Some~~ Most of the stuff that she cooks and was part of the original sounds absolutely disgusting, but it is amazing to see where the plan started. I could have never stuck to that plan!!!

However, I have accepted the challenge to make one of the original WW recipes. I will do so in honor of Mema, who I loved very much and miss. I just hope that this recipe does not contain liver (a staple on the original WW). While I've read about the nutritional benefits of liver, I just can't understand how an organ made to filter waste from the body can be good for you. I'll get my protein from other sources like shrimp and cottage cheese, thanks...

Revelation

2011-01-05T10:55:00.000-08:00

Something has kept me off this blog. I don't know exactly what it is, but I haven't felt like I have had much to write. It's not that things are going badly, per se. It's not that they're going amazingly either, though. They're just kind of humming along at a reasonable clip. I feel like much of what I'm dealing with has become a part of the routine, and that I know better how to manage the ebbs and flows of life, temptations, and motivation as they relate to living a healthy lifestyle. Not a bad place to be, overall.

It is worth mentioning that I have a requisite "What I learned in 2010" retrospective post that I've been thinking about for awhile, and even have a draft of. I can't seem to finish it or coalesce my thoughts into something nice, neat, and concise. Hence, it hasn't hit the blogosphere.

It's also worth mentioning that I don't really believe in "resolutions", per se. I believe in goals and in setting them and working toward them. Perhaps the difference between a resolution and a goal is really just in the semantics, but it seems to me that a resolution is kind of a pipe dream whereas a goal is measurable and has a plan behind it. I, obviously, believe the latter is more likely to be successful. It's also worth mentioning that I believe that if something is worth doing, you should do it the moment that you are ready and that it makes sense to do it. There's no sense waiting for an arbitrary date like a Monday or like January 1. This is why I don't believe in resolutions.

That having been said, I have recently undertaken two new initiatives on my never-ending quest to improve myself. First, I have decided that, in order to help to improve my spiritual health, I will read through the Bible in a year. I am doing it with my mom, which has been interesting, and I am following this plan to do it. Second, I have a new yoga DVD that is amazing at helping me to manage my back and SI pain. With the increasing frequency (and if I'm not careful, severity) of my back pain, it is critical that I manage this condition. I am only 31 and I honestly believe that if I am not very proactive in how I take care of myself that I could end up in chronic pain and perhaps even immobile. For this reason, it is critical that I do this yoga DVD several times a week; I am aiming for about 5x/week. It is really helping me so far.

Both of these initiatives take time and have caused me to have a new routine in the morning. Together, the yoga and Bible reading take about an hour in the morning. I have to say, though, they really set my day off right. I feel physically better (having a stable hip joint and minimal to no back pain is amazing!) and mentally clearer.

Today at lunch I was eating and reflecting on life in general (and the new morning routine in particular) and I had (what to me seems like) a huge revelation. All that I am trying to do in my life -- getting physically healthy (working out, managing the back/SI pain, making a concerted effort to eat more healthily and with more self control), staying mentally healthy (therapy, antidepressants, and reflection), becoming more socially engaged (making new friends, enhancing and strengthening existing friendships), and working on my spiritual health (Bible reading, participating actively in community group, praying) -- is all integrated. Sure, I recognized that there were synergies and that these things were interdependent and didn't exist in a vacuum. However, I did not ever realize until today at lunch how they tied together.

They tie together like this: All are different ways to help me to maximize my quality of life.

This informs so much of how I think about and relate to choices that I make. For example, although I have given into this thinking occasionally, I am not really one to bemoan bad choices if I am convinced they serve a purpose. For example, the fact is that food and certain holidays such as Thanksgiving and Christmas are inextricably linked in American culture. For better or worse, that is just true. While I do not think that these holidays provide carte blanche to go wild with respect to eating, I am not going to beat myself up for not sticking to WW to the letter during these times.

Could I have done better than I did this year? Without a doubt. Is it over? Yep. Did I learn from it? For sure. Therefore, it is water under the bridge. It's not worth beating myself up over: the physical/weight damage is done and so adding a dose of mental baggage would not serve to advance my quality of life. I have learned from it and moved on.

Much of my thinking has already (subconsciously) conformed to this framework of thinking of choices and their net impact on my quality of life. However now that I have really realized how all of my life initiatives tie together, I will be much more intentional about reflecting on whether or not something (a choice, an opportunity, a decision) advances my quality of life. If so, it's worth doing; if not, it's not.

For example, yesterday I had a day of sloppy eating. The day didn't start off right, and I was very tempted not to track my food for WW. As I thought about it though, I realized

a) The damage had been done. It was better to track and learn from it than to ignore that it happened by not recording it.

b) I was only lying to myself if I chose not to track it.

Not tracking was not only the dishonest thing to do, it would only hurt my progress. A huge step in increasing one's quality of life is cutting the BS and being real. I am going to work harder at doing both.

My Inner Fat Girl Lives

2010-12-30T05:19:00.000-08:00

You know the saying "No news is good news"? It tends not to be true when weight loss/healthy living bloggers bow out of the blogosphere for awhile.

My absence over the last week was accompanied by a 10 lb. gain from last Wednesday to Sunday. I don't know what to say except that I started by allowing myself little treats. Then I stopped tracking. Then the wheels fell off and I went over the side of the proverbial cliff.

What do I mean? Well, for example, making a 9x13" carrot cake for Christmas and eating 75% of it in 24 hours before finally throwing the rest away. Copious, copious amounts of eating and throwing caution to the wind. Stuff that is in no way normal and most people would just not understand (and, I am almost certain, would be universally ashamed of).

Now, please don't misunderstand what I'm about to say because I'm not exactly sure how to articulate it. Here it goes: I am learning to embrace failure. It's not that I like it per se and I certainly don't seek it out. However, for me it is probably the best learning tool I have and when I learn the most about myself with respect to the healthy living/decision making thing. Therefore, I embrace it and try to squeeze every lesson possible out of a failure. Hence, I am chalking the gain up to a learning experience and not beating myself up about it.

After this holiday's collosal ~~failure~~ learning experience, I'm easing back on to the healthy eating road. I've been making mostly wise decisions, while still allowing myself some leeway as it is still the holidays. I've come down from my week-high of 239.2 (conveniently on my weigh-in day, sigh) and this morning weighed in at 233.4. I've gone to the gym the last few days. I've finished and/or tossed most of the leftover junk. Starting next week with my new WW week, I believe I will go back to tracking in earnest. For me it is just too hard with holiday parties and the lack of structure with my time right now.

While I did have a few moments of panic and "this is not worth it" upon seeing the huge gains last week, I am proud of myself for getting back on the proverbial wagon. More importantly, I probably actually believe now more than ever that this IS worth it and that my health should remain a priority -- not just because we're entering the new year, but because I am worth it and healthiness is something you don't usually appreciate until it's gone. I, on the other hand, am trying not to take my health for granted, and to enjoy every moment of health that I have.

Gap Pants

2010-12-19T17:24:00.000-08:00

When I grew up, our family had very little money. We had what we needed (e.g., food and shelter), but we did not have money for many things -- even some things like haircuts sometimes. And we certainly never had designer clothes! I always wanted an Esprit bag or clothes from the Gap but we could never afford them so I don't think I ever really even asked for these things.

As someone on my own, even as I began to be able to afford nicer things, I usually could not fit into them so once again I could not have the clothes I wanted growing up. It's not like I was super torn up about it, but it was disappointing and somewhere in the back of my mind I still wanted them.

I was in grad school the first time I lost weight. I got down to 229.5 as I've written a lot in the last few weeks. I remember one time I made a trip during grad school to the outlet malls. I was shocked to find that Gap made XXL clothes! I got a pair of yoga pants and a workout shirt. I loved them, even though I did not do yoga at the time. I used them mostly for lounging around in, and they became some of my favorite clothes. I was very sad when I grew so fat that I could not wear them anymore.

In fact, along with two pairs of jeans that were my favorites during the later part of grad school, these Gap pants were some of the clothes I was most excited about reclaiming as I lost weight. Awhile back (probably about 8 months ago), the pants fit. I love them, wear them pretty frequently, and still get compliments on them.

Saturday I wore these pants to go to Zumba class. Guess what? These pants are getting loose and I had to hike them up a few times for fear of losing them. I think these pants are now moved into the yoga/lounging only category, and out of the category of pants that can be worn to anything that requires hip shaking and/or jumping. In another 5-10 lbs, these pants will have to be retired for good.

While I will be sad to see them go, I am delighted that I will soon be able to buy whatever I want from the Gap because size will no longer be an issue. I love these pants that I think that I might keep them because of all that they mean to me, joining the pair of size 26 pants I keep as a reminder of where I started out on this fitness journey. Or, maybe I will think that is silly and they will join the mountains of bags of clothes I have donated this year because they are now too big. We will see. While I am sad to see them go, I am glad I am about to make it into new size territory that I haven't seen since high school and very early college (pre-freshman 15...and sophomore 20...and you get the idea).

Physical Therapy...blah

2010-12-19T17:15:00.000-08:00

I am back in physical therapy. My SI issues have re-emerged and it makes standing and sitting (mostly sitting) uncomfortable. The good news is that I don't have shooting pain that causes problems sleeping like I did last time I struggled with this. The bad news is that it is still uncomfortable and does impede my ability to exercise somewhat.

I have insurance that covers most (80%) of the therapy. I like the physical therapists I go to, and am confident they will be able to "fix" me. I am grateful to be able to live in a place with advanced medical care, and to have a job that is not physical so that I can rehab this better and lie on the floor to work when I need to.

The other day I was walking through Walmart and there was a girl who was between the size I am now and the size I was when I started -- probably about the size I was the first time I had these back/SI issues a bit more than a year ago. She was bent over and stocking shelves. I know nothing about this girl, but if I had to guess her healthcare is either crappy or nonexistent, and she's probably not getting paid that much. I thought to myself, "What if that were me and I could not only not afford to go to PT, but I probably also could not afford to take time off work to get better? What if I worked a job that made my condition worse?" It was a reminder to be grateful for what I have, even when my back hurts and it feels like life is a challenge. Things can always be worse, and there is a lot to be grateful for.

Amazing Bike Ride

2010-12-19T17:06:00.000-08:00

Today I went for a bike ride. It was 49 out, which is amazing given that it's just a week before Christmas. Biking at this time of the year would likely never happen in Ohio (where I grew up), but it was really nice to be able to bust out a quick 6 mile ride while listening to Christmas tunes. It felt really great, as it had been over a month since I'd been out on my bike (sadly).

Something about my bike ride was just amazing today. I felt incredibly strong. Perhaps it's that I *am* stronger. Perhaps those 5-7 lbs I've lost make a significant difference in being able to propel myself more efficiently. Perhaps I just had an amazing day. I'm not sure, but whatever it is, I'll take it! (and a healthy dose of it too, please...)

The trail where I ride is largely flat, but there are a couple of hills. I sailed up two of them with grace and ease (even in 3rd gear!). There is also a huge hill by my house that I have to ride down to get to the trail. Usually, I get about halfway up the hill on my way home and then walk the rest of the way. Today I decided "You WILL do this. You CAN do this and you SHOULD do this so you WILL do this!"

Not only did I make it up the hill on my bike, I downshifted only to 2nd gear, not even the easiest one! I felt like such a hoss. I am really becoming a cyclist. I was/am so proud.

Disappointing Weigh In

2010-12-19T16:47:00.000-08:00

This week I weighed in at 229.6. The good news is that I'm down 0.4 lbs from last week. The frustrating news is that I'm not officially to the lowest weight I've been as an adult yet, even though I've seen it this week on the scale! While that in and of itself is disappointing, the reason I'm frustrated is that I tracked everything this week like a good little Weight Watcher.

To me this suggests two main things:

1. Perhaps I need to start weighing/measuring things again. Maybe the eyeballing method is not working out for me right now (my eyeballs are typically more generous than a measuring cup or scale).

2. The body will do things in its own time. I often say it, but that's because I'm largely reminding myself because as a competitive and largely high-achieving person. It is hard for me not to perform well or make goals, especially when I give it my all. That having been said: You cannot script weight loss. The body will lose weight when and how it wants to.

I can control my behaviors and choices (e.g., tracking food and exercising), but I can't control when and how my body releases the weight. And, honestly, doing the healthy behaviors is more important anyway given that this is not a sprint or race to lose the weight. This is about living a life that is healthy, enjoyable, and sustainable. As long as I'm making the lifestyle changes to support living a healthy life, who cares when I make if I make it to my goal weight in 18 months or 24? Even if the math says I could bust it out in 4 months with a very strict 1200 calorie diet, personally I don't think I could enjoy life by being the level of a food Nazi that it would take to do make it to my goal so quickly. And OMG I don't think I could ever live on just 1200 calories/day for the rest of my life. (Also, although the changes I've made and continue to make are driven primarily by health reasons and very little by aesthetics, I hear that losing weight more slowly will minimize the chances of loose skin which I think is gross and scary, so that's extra justification for my slow but steady method.)

This week already I am struggling. I have gone way over my points today and probably have blown my weekly points stash too. I don't really even know why. This week will be a challenge to balance the indulgences that traditionally come with holidays (which I have no intention of cutting out completely) with the wise choices that I know will help propel me achieve my health and fitness goals. No one said this journey was easy, and today I am feeling that for sure. This week is likely to be tough -- I can feel it already. Ugh, good thing I usually like challenges.

Losing Myself

2010-12-14T16:13:00.000-08:00

DISCLAIMER - if reading about unhealthy food is a trigger for you, consider skipping this post

I wrote yesterday about how I no longer view food as good or bad. One of the things I have been adamant about this time around on the WL journey is that I would enjoy it. It is hard, yes, but I find that I enjoy the food I eat now much more than I ever enjoyed it when I was fat. It is weird. It is like my tastebuds are more sensitive now. It is also true that I no longer eat whatever I want whenever I want, so I have to make each treat count more if that makes sense.

A few weeks ago, I had the weirdest thing happen to me. It really freaked me out and I still haven't totally figured it out.

I had been eating clean for about a week. It started to feel really easy and natural. It was great. Just like a honeymoon period. Then, I started to get very odd cravings. I wanted lentils. I wanted milk. I craved apples. AWESOME!

Then I realized something -- I DIDN'T want a lot of stuff that I liked. I mean lentils sounded even better to me than cheese dip. Better than a burger. Better than red velvet cake. And more than that, none of those things even sounded good to me. Nowhere near as good as a nice glass of skim milk with a handful of almonds.

hold up a minute here.... WHAT?!?!

I am not going to lie. I freaked out. Seriously, I really honestly did. I ended up eating several of the things like cheese dip that I enjoy just to make sure I still liked them. They were not at all satisfying. I ate them anyways and ended up regretting it. It was as though my brain was trying to convince my tastebuds that cheese dip still was the end all/be all of food. They were not getting convinced.

I have to admit that this revelation was very sad.

One of the things I have been both concerned about and vigilant against is trading one form of disordered eating and food abuse (bingeing, emotional overeating, etc) for another (e.g., anorexia). Though I am not a psychologist or anyone with any sort of training in this area, I think I see a lot of this in the WL blogosphere. It makes me sad. I also don't think it is healthy or sustainable. In fact, in reading through my own archives some stunningly unhealthy patterns have emerged in my own behavior -- I used to work out 2 hours at a time almost 6 days a week. WTH?!? Not sustainable in real life. I am aiming for moderation in all areas, including exercise and food.

Feeling like I didn't enjoy my historical favorite foods made me feel like I was losing a little bit of myself. It was sudden and unexpected. I didn't like it, and OMG did I revolt. I didn't jump off the deep end but I will admit that it was one of the most unsettling feelings I had felt on this weight loss journey, and it was a hard obstacle to overcome.

I've come to recognize that sometimes I'm in the mood for a treat. Sometimes I'm not. And that is ok. Just because I don't want cheese dip all the time with incredible urgency doesn't mean I won't crave it sometimes or won't ever like it again. And when I do crave it, it isn't bad to have it.

Man, learning these lessons is hard. I feel like the work I did over the last six months has been so tedious and hard. During this time, I fluctuated within the same 5-7 lb window -- gaining and losing and gaining and losing. During this time, I've also encountered mental roadblocks and scaled them one by one. I now feel like it's been like clearing out a forest. Now a lot of the trees are down and the stumps are uprooted and moved out of the way. And now I can sail on down the scales for awhile until I hit the next thicket of issues that need worked through. Although I am physically losing myself and shedding the weight, I refuse to lose who I am and what makes me me. Because I like me.

"Bad" vs. "Good" Foods

2010-12-13T09:32:00.000-08:00

I've shared this before, but this is not the first time I have lost a significant amount of weight. I have never been a yo yo dieter, but I have lost a significant amount of weight one other time. I gained all of that weight back.

While that was a terrible experience, it is one I have learned a great deal from. I have learned (and am to some degree still learning) not to be judgmental of those who are fat. I have learned that I am an addict, and that I don't think I will ever be completely "cured" of my messed up relationship with food (even though I can manage it and largely control it). Mostly, I just don't want to be arrogant or prideful about weight loss because I have done that before -- only to fail and set myself up for a larger fall.

One of things I learned from the first time I lost weight was that food is not bad or good. The first time I lost weight, I had all foods neatly classified into foods I considered "good" and foods I considered "bad". For example, I considered bananas good and Twinkies bad. My thoughts on this have evolved significantly.

I no longer consider foods bad or good. Food has no intrinsic moral character. However, foods do have properties (nutritional and otherwise) that can make them better or worse choices, but foods themselves are not bad or good. Do you see the difference? I am not sure if I am articulating this well.

If I view food as bad or good, it means that if I ever have a brownie or Twinkie or some other "bad" food that I have failed. I think this is faulty thinking. In redefining my relationship with food, I want to be able to enjoy all kinds of foods -- even the "bad" ones occasionally.

I also think that dichotomous thinking -- having foods be either "bad" or "good" -- is faulty. For example, if you have read my blog for any amount of time you know that cheese is my favorite food. Is cheese "bad"? Well, it's not great. It has a ton of cholesterol and, depending on the type of cheese, saturated fat. That's admittedly bad. However, cheese has calcium and protein too. Thus I think a "bad" label for cheese is unfair. While it's not the best choice, it's not the worst choice either. There are shades of grey in the "good-ness" and "bad-ness" of food just like a lot of other things in life. Plus a life without cheese ~~is not worth living~~ would be significantly less enjoyable for me.

Finally, I am taking control of food instead of letting food control me. It is MY choice whether I eat a food or not. Now sometimes I make good choices. Sometimes I make bad choices. The good choices are getting more frequent and the bad ones more infrequent, but I still do make both good and bad choices. However by viewing each time I eat as an opportunity to make a series of choices, I get control. I am not powerless to food.

I wrote about how last week I had several Christmas parties. At most of them, I had foods that I would have considered "bad" the first time I lost weight. I looked all of my choices and picked one or two of my favorites from among them. I limited my portions on them. I felt completely satisfied.

In the past with my dichotomous thinking, I might have considered that a failure since I ate "bad" foods. Now, I consider that a win. My thinking on this has evolved: I believe you can still make great choices to eat "bad" foods.

Now I'm not saying that this is the approach that will work for everyone. I believe (and respect the fact) that everyone is different and respect each person's choices as long as they are healthy and honor the body. However, I've realized that I want the freedom to enjoy whatever I like. This freedom comes with responsibility. I can't eat as much as I want of the unhealthy foods that I enjoy without consequences, but I love that I still have the choice to eat whatever I want. For me, it has taken away the allure of the "bad" foods I used to consume so much of so often. I know that I can enjoy them, but I just choose to enjoy other things -- like being able to walk around without getting tired, like being able to shop in normal-sized clothing stores, and like not hating how I look in the mirror or in pictures -- more.

I did it

2010-12-13T05:54:00.000-08:00

This morning the scale read 229.4. Lowest weight since sophomore year in college. I was delighted, but just supermotivated to press on. (Of course, I don't consider this "official" until an official weigh in on a Sunday.)

Next goal? 212. That is what I weighed my junior year in HS.

Unmet Expectations

2010-12-12T05:29:00.000-08:00

I have told you that I am so very close to being at my lowest weight as an adult, ever - 229.4. I was hoping that I would reach that weight by this week.

Today is my weigh in day. I did not meet that goal. I did weigh in at 230.0, 0.6 lbs above my goal.

Initially I felt sad. I was a little angry at myself even. Then I re-evaluated.

I haven't been losing weight consistently since May. The last two weeks are the first two consecutive, significant weight losses I've had in nearly six months. I've finally broken outside the 235 plus or minus a couple pound window.
I lost 3.6 lbs this week. That is 1/2 lb/day. Not insignificant. And for a second week in a row!
My back still hurts so I can't exercise as much or as intensely as I would like. Less intense exercise = fewer activity points = slower weight loss. And a potential minefield for emotional eating.
I had FOUR Christmas parties this week. I still lost almost a pound for every one. I mean, really?! That is freaking incredible.

I realized that there is nothing to be upset about with my loss this week and, even more importantly, that this week was a huge success and is worth celebrating. This underscores for me that I do not like and cannot for my own psyche handle the "I want to lose ____ pounds by ____ time frame!" I can control what I eat and how much I exercise, but when I lose the weight is up to my body. However, if I do the right things (eat healthily and enjoy treats in moderation, and exercise), the results I want WILL follow -- even if it's not necessarily in the time frame that I want it to happen.

I need to focus on the positive and stay the course. I mean, I am only 31 and I have a lifetime of healthy living to do. If I miss my goal by a week, it is ok. I will get it next week. As long as I am making wise choices, the weight will take care of itself in time.

Wordle of my Blog

2010-12-11T09:00:00.000-08:00

Have you ever used Wordle? It is really neat. Here is how it characterizes what I talk about on my blog. Apparently I love milk and cheese. And yoga. And I whine about my back a lot (sorry).

(Re: the dairy: guilty as charged - last week I drank about a gallon of milk. One more reason I love Points Plus!)

Non-Scale Victory!!!

2010-12-10T15:35:00.000-08:00

Notice anything special about what I'm wearing in this picture? No?

Well, there is something very special about these clothes. They aren't plus size. They're 18, not 18Ws! Earlier this month I ordered for the first time in ages -- probably since 2000, literally 10 years -- a bunch of clothes that weren't plus sized. There have been a few times I have bought something on sale that I thought would fit later that wasn't plus sized, or times I've made mistakes and gotten the wrong size (unintentionally) that were not plus sized. However, this order was completely intentional. And, I was a little surprised but 100% delighted when my new goodies all fit!

A new chapter in this WL journey. Now when I get to size 14, it will be like a whole new world because I will be able to shop in almost any store. Goodbye Lane Bryant!! It's been real.

Unbelievable

2010-12-10T06:20:00.001-08:00

Last night was holiday party 4/4 for the week. It was the one where I went the craziest, but my decisions were calculated and not terrible. It was an Italian potluck, and cheese is my favorite food ever. That made things a bit of a minefield, and a good chance to splurge a bit. I also had several desserts, but only slivers of each (except the peppermint bark and I had 3 or 4 good sized pieces). I had plenty of weekly points, made sure to go to the yoga in the morning since the time of the party conflicted with my usual exercise schedule, and overall felt comfortable with my choices. That having been said, I FULLY expected a small gain this morning or in the best case, to stay even. And I was fine with that, figuring the aftermath would go away in a day or two.

Nope. Down this morning to 230.8. Unbelievable. I'm now 1.6 lbs from my lowest weight in 10+ years (and remember I'm 31 so we're talking like 1/3 of my life). During the Christmas season. During a week where I had 4 parties.

I feel like a rock star.

My Opinions on WW Points Plus

2010-12-09T15:30:00.000-08:00

The new Weight Watchers Points Plus system launched the Monday after Thanksgiving. I decided it was a great time to give Weight Watchers another honest try. After so many false starts, I was not sure whether my latest attempt would stick.

But it has. The reason why is because the new program (in my opinion) is great.

The new program emphasizes whole foods -- particularly fruits, vegetables, and lean proteins -- in a way it hasn't before. Here are the differences I've noticed:

The meaning of a point is re-calibrated - everyone receives a higher daily allotment of points, and a weekly cache of points too. For example, I used to get 29 points a day on the old program, but when I started Points Plus I got 38 points a day. Everyone used to get 35 extra points a week; we now get 49.
Many of the formerly 1 pt. foods are higher in points (e.g., Bagel Thins are now 3 points whereas they used to be 1). This applies largely to foods high in carbs and/or processed foods. I hear booze is higher too, but I rarely consume it so I don't know for sure.
Most fruits and vegetables are "free" and do not count against the daily points allowances. The only exceptions I know of are corn, potatoes, peas, and avocados.
Foods containing protein did not go up much in points values and therefore count less against the daily amount of points you can eat. For example, eggs and a cup of milk are still 2 points apiece as they were on the old WW plan.

I believe that the modified Points Plus program addresses many of the concerns/problems I had with WW previously, but retains the parts I like the most.

Modified parts of the program that I like

The program emphasizes (subtly) the importance of protein. The importance of protein is something I caught onto via trial and error this summer. When I have a meal that contains both carbs and protein, it keeps me fuller for longer and also curbs cravings for crap. I like that it is now easier to eat more protein because it is proportionally less expensive than it used to be.
I love the free fruit!!! I still eat a bunch of it, probably more than I have before.
I have openly criticized the WW foods that they used to sell. Although I do not eat 100% unprocessed foods, I would say that about 80% of what I eat is unprocessed. I like that they have gotten rid of the 1 point faux foods (e.g., 1 point ice cream with fiber added) that contain a ton of chemicals.
Although I was never at a weight where I had a restrictively low number of points (the lowest I ever had was 29/day), it was not uncommon for me to be hungry despite eating the "right" things (the filling foods, etc). I feel that the modified plan rewards the way I had been eating, and now allows me to eat more food.
I feel like I can live within my daily points. I could not do this before. I regularly ate 5-7 points above my target on the old plan (which was still technically ok since I usually earned 5-10 activity points/day and could use my weekly points too).

Parts of the program that stay the same that I like

I like that I can eat anything I want. While the program encourages me to make healthier choices, I can still have cheese dip or a donut if I want to and have the points budget for it. I also like that I don't have to subscribe to a fixed meal plan. That makes me feel like I have control over what I am eating, rather than being forced to eat a meal that is scheduled. It also makes me feel like I can go out to dinner with friends without feeling guilty about it as long as I plan for it.
I love the concept of weekly points and activity points. This makes me feel like I can splurge on treats every now and then with this plan.
If you follow it, the program works. I have lost 5.8 lbs in the 10 days I have been on the plan. It's hard for me to argue with results if I feel like I am doing it in a way that is honoring my body. (i.e., eating healthy foods vs. some other gimmicky crash diet)

Other than the annoyance/inconvenience of learning new points values, I cannot think of much that I do not like about the new WW Points Plus system. I feel a renewed sense of excitement about tracking and being on WW that I haven't felt in a long time. I have tracked every single thing I have eaten for 10 days, and I can't even think of the last time that happened before Points Plus.

Renewed Vigor and Tis the Season....

2010-12-08T17:00:00.000-08:00

I haven't blogged about it and I think it is significant enough for a post of its own to be written later, but let me tell you all:

I LOVE THE NEW WEIGHT WATCHERS!!!!

I started the program the day it debuted (week after Thanksgiving), and I figured "I'll give it a shot. We'll see if it sticks."

It's been no secret that I've been stuck in a weight loss malaise for the last 4-6 months. I've been maintaining and not gaining, but I've been stuck in the same +/-5 lb window for a long time. The lowest I've gotten was 230.6 which occurred just prior to bout 2 of back problems. I tend to stick closer to 235 though. The lowest I have ever weighed in my adult life was 229.5 which I weighed for several months in graduate school.

Well, I am proud to announce that the spell is broken. I am now loving the new WW plan and am able to easily stick to it. I am also proud to announce that the scale is moving in the right direction!!

The week after Thanksgiving, I weighed in at 237.2 and started the new WW program. The first week on the program, I lost 3.6 lbs and weighed in at 233.6. This morning I weighed in at 231.4 (though it is not my official weigh-in day; my official day is on Sunday). And this, by the way, is in the midst of back pain that leaves me unable to work out as much or as aggressively as I usually do.

I am 2 lbs away from a very magical number. When I weigh 229.4, this will be significant both because it will mark exactly 70 lbs lost and will be the lowest I have weighed as an adult, ever. The last time I know I weighed this was as a sophomore in college (1999). Who knows, I may reach 229.4 this week!

My original goal for the holiday season was not to gain weight. However, I have now set my sights higher and want to lose weight over the holiday season. I'm not oblivious to the increased incidence of land mines around this time of the year (four holiday parties this week alone!), but I think I can do this. So far (two parties down for the week), I have done ok. Having a mindset of saying "Yes" to health rather than "No" to food, and having a plan that is healthy and reasonable to stick to is making all the difference so far.

What a difference a year makes....

2010-12-07T10:35:00.000-08:00

Christmas 2010 (L) vs. Christmas 2009 (R)

There's about a 30 lb. difference. Sometimes I minimize that (e.g. "less than a lb. a week?! that is nothing!!" or "You're still considered obese!"), but I really shouldn't and I am going to stop that. It is negative self talk and, for those of you who know me in real life, you know I would not allow someone else to talk to me like that!

In the past year, I've overcome depression, dealt with 3 bouts of back issues that leave me unable to even sit up too long and exercise, and dealt with family issues/drama.

I have also made a new group of friends and lost 30 lbs. I have discovered that I love cycling and have ridden about 500 cathartic miles on my bike. I have learned a lot about myself and about life and my ability to persevere.

Probably the most important thing I am learning now is that I WANT to do this. I am not doing this because I should. I am not doing this because of the dire consequences of what will happen if I don't do this. I am doing this -- this healthy living thing -- because I want to enjoy a life where my body and health do not inhibit me from doing the things that I want to do. It makes saying no to food easier about 80% of the time, because it's not saying "No" to something desirable like a brownie, but rather saying "Yes" to the ability to walk around all day without getting tired or being able to shop in a "normal" store and not be banished to Lane Bryant or a plus sized section.

Now that's not to say I don't eat brownies or cheese or other treats, but I just have to be more judicious in my choices and not shovel everything in my trap or use food as a crutch so I don't have to deal with how I'm really feeling. I am nowhere near "there" but moderation is becoming a concept I can understand and am starting to employ after years - YEARS - of disordered eating and abusing food.

I look forward to another year of progress. Game on 2011!

Real Food

2010-12-05T18:26:00.000-08:00

During my trip to Missouri we went to Amish country. There, we bought several goodies including milk and eggs. We made both yogurt cheese from the milk. The milk was simultaneously the most delicious and the most rich milk I have consumed in my life. I also bought the BEST cream cheese (freshly made of course) I have EVER eaten.

Me, making cheese with our milk from Amish country. It was so good (and I must acknowledge the help I received from Esra's mom -- THANK YOU!!!)

While I was in Columbia, we ate really well -- but differently than I usually eat. We ate a lot of cheese (no complaints from me!). These guys also ate a lot of stuff containing olive oil and yogurt. I eat this stuff too (some of my favorites actually), but there is a difference: everything I ate at my hosts' house was full fat. Full fat yogurt; no concern for using a bit of extra olive oil.

I'm not going to lie, this freaked me out at first. However, when I returned from the trip I only gained 0.2 lbs (which is nothing considering the rich food I ate). I also returned with a different mindset.

God made foods as whole fat foods. Cheese is generally made to be full fat; lesser-fat versions are just more processed. I don't generally love the modified/processed foods like the (formerly) 1 pt. english muffins -- why is taking all of the fat out of milk any different? It is just processing the milk into an unnatural state.

I am not sure what changes I will make to my diet, but I am going to be less quick to buy the reduced fat versions of things, and the reduced fat versions of things that taste gross are DONE! It is better to have a little of something that I really enjoy than to have more of something that is processed and unnatural and not even all that appealing.

I am going to try to eat more REAL food, and less processed stuff (even though I did this to a large extent already).

Raw

2010-12-05T18:23:00.000-08:00

This weekend, one of the people at our Thanksgiving was someone that I didn't know too well. She was a part of an arranged marriage with a good friend of mine from graduate school, so it was so nice to get a chance to spend getting to know her.

At some point, the topic of weight came up. I don't even really remember how (although maybe it was due to talking about my mango allergy, which led to my blog?). Anyway, she asked how I got started losing the weight.

As I told her, I cried. I was surprised.

Another friend -- one that I have now known for 9 years (can't believe it's been that long) -- has been friends with me at my fattest and during the first period in my life where I lost weight. He and I were also talking about this journey at one point during my visit.

Once again, I cried.

I have to admit, this kind of surprises me. These guys were not asking anything mean-spirited or judgmental at all. They were both kind and compassionate and genuinely supportive and interested. They were giving out nothing but good vibes.

I've been on this journey for a year and a half now. I have made progress, faced challenges, felt like giving up, pressed on, and have ultimately come out at a much better place. I am feeling like I can do "this" -- this healthy living thing, including but not limited to eating right and exercising often -- forever, and it is shocking to me sometimes the degree to which the choices I'm making feel natural. For example, there was a point last week I was craving lentils, and the thought of Doritos or cake just sounded gross.

So why is this place in my life and my heart -- the one that deals with weight and getting healthy -- still so emotional to talk about? I am not sure, but I feel as though I must figure it out so that I can work through the issues that underlie this sensitivity. Any insights would be appreciated.

Back Problems

2010-12-05T18:19:00.000-08:00

The week prior to Thanksgiving, things were insanely hectic at work. There was a bunch I wanted to get accomplished prior to the break. That meant staying later than I usually would a few days, which meant skipping the yoga class I usually go to on Monday.

Mistake.

Thursday, as I was starting out on the 5K, my back started to hurt a bit and my glutes were tight. By the end of the "race" (which I in no way treated as such, owing to the back issues), I was really really in bad shape.

I figured it would be no big deal. I stopped to get some tennis balls (which are amazing for getting knots out after having muscle spasms) and thought I would do my stretching exercises from my PT.

Unfortunately, the problem has not gone away easily. It's been more than a week now. My back still hurts, although I am managing the pain much better than I ever have in the past. I do a lot of stretching and yoga. Although I am not 100% better, I am getting there and am optimistic I will be ok again soon. In the meantime I will be doing a lot of stretching and yoga, and stopping exercise when it doesn't feel right. Also, I have found that using a foam roller and rolling over it with my whole body, stomach facing up will usually help my back pop back into place. Who knew that, in addition to all of the other great things that foam rollers are, that they are a cheap faux chiropractor?

Lesson learned, though: yoga 2-3/week is imperative for me if I want to stay mobile. These activities need to be prioritized in my schedule, and not crowded out when I'm "too busy". In fact, I am too busy NOT to do yoga, as I cannot afford to be sidelined for several days or even weeks with debilitating back pain -- even if that means leaving work a couple days at 4:30 and working some more from home.

My First 5K

2010-12-05T18:14:00.000-08:00

The morning of Thanksgiving, I went to do my first 5K. It was called the Turkey Trax, and I had found out about it online. It was in the low 30s the day of the race (not remarkable for my friends and past life up north, but I now consider it unseasonably cold weather for where I live), so I dressed in layers.

I was proud of my decision to register for this 5K. My registration was significant for a few reasons...

I sought this out. It wasn't something that I had a bunch of friends participating in and I decided to tag along. I did the research, found out about something happening in a town 5 hrs away from where I usually live but where I would be on Thanksgiving, and registered.
It was my first 5K. I really didn't know what to expect - would this be a "fun run" where there wasn't much pressure? Would this be super competitive? Would there be walkers or just runners? I wasn't sure, but decided I didn't care: I would try anyway, letting the chips fall where they may.
This represents a shift in my priorities. Thanksgiving is another day; exercise and healthy living is no less important on one day than any other. Now, I'm not saying it's not ok to indulge every once in awhile (holiday or otherwise) and in fact I did indulge food-wise on this day; however, it is important for me day in and day out to make healthy living a priority, and this 5K is one way that I did just that.

So how did I do? I'd say the answer is mixed. I had entertained the idea of trying to run/walk it. I decided I would stretch a lot both before and after, but would just see how in shape I was if I decided to go after this run/walk idea with no training whatsoever. That ended up not happening because early in the walk my back started to hurt. I was walking relatively quickly, but was not jogging. I was happy I listened to my body and did not push the running thing.

I finished the 5K in 49:09, which means my pace was 15:49/mile. I finished 424th of the 448 people who participated. Though my stats are unremarkable (maybe even poor), the decision to participate at all is something I am so so proud of.