Consistency

This week I've been back on the straight and (relatively) narrow. Tracking my food, going to the gym -- all of the habits that help me to be successful and that I get mad at myself when I quit, but that I manage to stray from relatively often. This is resulting in some losses on the scale, though I'm not where I want to be, or anywhere close (236.2 this morning vs in the high 220s for most of the fall).

It is funny -- when I am gaining weight, I am always surprised at how slowly it happens on the way up. Yeah, there's always that shocking "Holy crap, I gained 3 lbs" the day that follows a binge or a cocktail party, but most of the weight typically is water weight and most (though not all) of it usually goes away in a day or two. Let's face it, I have been feeding my body total crap for a month and a half now, and I have gained "just" 10 lbs.

It makes me think, "OMG, how MUCH and how CONSISTENTLY did I abuse my body to weigh 300 lbs?!?"

The flip side is even more infuriating. It took me a long time and a noble effort to gain weight up until the point where I was 300 lbs. How do I seriously expect to undo a month's worth of couch surfing and food abusing in like 2 days? The weight will take time and consistent effort to lose, just like it did to gain.

Patience, grasshopper.

23 1/2 hours

I think that this video is awesome. It was personally convicting, especially as I try to get back into a routine of going to the gym.

It's been a month

SO. Yeah. It's been a month.

Things here have been a lot of hard going. Not really sure why, but what's a blog good for if not a little introspection and conjecture?

The long and the short of it is that I'm up about 10 lbs. It feels like so much more.

So....yeah.

In early November, I was traveling for about 2 weeks. Living out of a suitcase and eating from restaurants everyday used to hold some appeal to me when I was in college and I wanted to be a consultant, but I can now say there is no bed like my own and no food like the kind I can make. That's not to say I don't love travel and adventure and restaurants -- I do -- but there's just something to be said for being able to make and eat your own food. Doing without all of that and having less control than I'd like over what I ate was not that great.

Also, I'm not going to lie, I was pretty lazy when traveling. The good news is that staying on college campuses and in cities several blocks from where my conference was being held led me to do a lot of walking. But as to a formal workout? Yeah, that didn't happen. Not even once in two weeks.

Another critical factor is the emotional battle that is a professional conference. I used to REALLY look forward to these conferences, as they were one of a handful of social outlets that I had when I did not yet have friends in Arkansas. Now that I have friends here? The stress of feeling judged all the time and regretting my early years with little productivity outweigh the nice-ness of seeing my friends at these conferences. That's not to say I don't love to see my friends; I do -- but I find the pre-tenure constant judgement pretty grating. And I'm not pleased to admit that I drowned my sorrows in food a few times. Yep, compulsive eating still leaves you feeling belittled and like a failure and gross. Don't do it.

So when I got back to Arkansas, it was SO hard to get back in a routine! After I got back from traveling, it was Thanksgiving. I did not really hold anything back for that. And I cannot even tell you the last time I went to the gym more than once during a week. Sigh.

So, here I am, 10 lbs heavier, and I feel squishier than I have in a long time (muscle loss from not working out??). It's pretty gross. I am not eating enough fruits and veggies, nor am I drinking enough water.

I want to turn this ship around. Today, I packed my lunch. I said no to leftovers from a work party that would have been delicious but pretty unhealthy in favor of what I'd brought. My goal was to drink 96 oz of water today; so far I've had about 70 oz. Tonight, I am meeting a friend at the gym for an hour long (!!) spin class. And I am going public in saying that I will go to the gym tomorrow too.

So? I feel so grateful that I know that I've been here before, having undone progress but then re-doing it and ending up pushing forward. I feel glad that I am changing my all or nothing thinking. (e.g., I'm not giving up completely after this and saying, "Well I guess I'll always be fat"). That's not to say that my feelings about my current weight loss situation isn't mixed with a fair amount of regret or just feeling gross, but I am glad that I see past this and won't quit.